***Some people get pregnant really easy. We all know that. Before I "share the update" please remember that my journey is not one to envy (whose infertile journey is?). I have been living with the fear that I would never conceive since I was 18 and diagnosed with PCOS; I'm almost 30. When I got married we THEN found out my husband had low sperm count, low T, and low morphology. I have gone through multiple clomid and femera cycles of hot flashes and headaches and no results. I did EIGHT artificial inseminations with nothing, month after month. I got pregnant on IVF all to miscarry and find myself in a clinic getting the baby cleaned out of my body. One of the ultimate lows was 1 week after the D&C, when I thought it was "over," I started lactating. Months later I went through a promising FET with everything in my favor and nothing stuck. Below is a collage of the last 2.75 years: egg retrievals, shots, D&C, IUIs-all from failed cycles:
My second point is I know it is insane/ridiculous to go public w/ an early pregnancy announcement; in my "real world" I'm not doing that. I have only shared it with my direct family because I need them there if things go wrong. But in the blog world, I've been open and honest the whole time so I decided to take the risk and share w/ the followers because you guys will know if things go wrong too.
On Wednesday I had my second beta and it doubled. beta #1 440 (9dpt) beta #2 939 (11 dpt). This is not a pregnancy announcement. From our first miscarriage to following WAY too many stories that had happy news to result in early loss, I am taking 1 day at a time.
When I saw my positive home pregnancy test (I just took 1, 8dpt, Saturday) I whispered a prayer of thanks but this time I am so guarded; I sobbed for joy at the mere hope. Infertility has robbed me the joy of seeing those two lines and not thinking a care in the world could go wrong. There are 3 hurdles: 1-getting the positive hpt 2. Betas doubling (this is where we lost last time). 3. Seeing fetal pole (early August). Even then, my breath will be held. I appreciate all the prayers so much. We currently feel so happy and hopeful but guarded too. I cannot explain how many prayers are whispered as I fall asleep, when I catch myself doubting, when I catch myself afraid. It really is up to Him.
As someone who has been blogging for awhile, I've been really happy for people I followed (like before I did IVF and it would work for someone, I would be pumped) but then as I've been through the ringer a few times, IVF successes stung me a bit too. I pray to God that this glimmer of hope stings no one and brings hope to people fighting or that have had 1 or 2 failed IVFs under their belt. My blog is not going to turn into 5 million pictures of my stomach or my cravings or how I "horrible" feel if I make it to those points. Isn't that why some of us got off facebook? If this pregnancy is viable (again, no big celebration till heartbeat) I'll start a different blog for that a keep this one for the few milestones (heartbeat, gender) and infertility awareness. Thank you again to all the women who have rooted for me, prayed for me, hoped for me. I have a long 8 months ahead HOPEFULLY.
