The Delivery of Brinly Joy Benson, 18 weeks, 2 days

October 30, 2013

"An angel held the book of life and
Wrote in my baby's birth
She whispered as she closed the book
To perfect for this earth"


Here we are, back in the labor and delivery room.  I'm in Birth Suite 10. 

Everything was going fine until Monday night but as I got in the shower, I noticed something.  I won't make this entry the horror story my last few days have been, but it was her umbilical cord.  The cord had smashed her and descended into the vagina (hardly) so we went straight to local hospital.

After waiting, they finally did an ultrasound and determined Brinly's heart had stopped.  Because of this, I was told delivery was "eminent."  Darren and I pushed to get transferred to the hospital in Beaverton with the maternal fetal specialist-they agreed and sent us late Monday night by ambulance.

Tuesday morning I had hope again after talking with Dr. H (my specialist).  They were simply going to do a surgery where the tied the cord and tried to keep me from going into labor.   But when they did a speculum test to make sure that was all, a little foot had descended.  I couldn't see it but obviously that changed the game plan.  I was given 3 options:

1.  Go into surgery and see if they could pull her out/no labor (his hesitation with this was I was only dilated 1.1cm and her head was 3.4.  The surgery could be pointless)

2.  induce labor and cross our fingers Jude stops with no guarantees

3.  wait till morning to see if I dilate a bit more to allow the surgery to help her get pulled out easier.

Tough call but we went with option 3.  I knew there was a chance I could deliver her that night (although I was begging God for the surgery for emotional purposes) but we felt like 1 day would allow for the cervix to dilate a bit more.

Last night the contractions started.  I asked if it would hurt and they said I would feel "excruciating pain" but that it would not last.  I was so so scared and prayed to hold on for the 8:30 surgery.  They told me I would contract her out (no pushing needed) and to basically call them when I knew she had ascended.  I took ambiene and feel asleep.

As gracious as God can be, He basically allowed me to deliver her in my sleep.  I had some strong cramps this morning and when I woke up and went to the bathroom she came out (she had already passed through cervix, the position change allowed her to ascend.)  The nurses here are so sweet.  It was painless and somewhat of a relief since I just wanted to get the "stillborn" birth over with.

Doctor's watched me closely and did another exam.  I stopped labor as of now (they said it can restart but its been 12 hours).  If I don't go into labor again, or get an infection or continue bleeding, all bets are off, otherwise tomorrow is the fight for Jude.

8:30 am they will do one last check and if all is good, they will sew a "stitch" on my cervix to help keep Jude in and prevent infection.  There is no guarantee this will work as my case is freakishly rare, but that is our best bet for him. 

We chose not to look at Brinly but the nurse gave us tons of footprints/handprints and a blanket that was wrapped around her body.  She was almost 9 inches and 6oz and perfect. 

I know there are no words to say to me in this an that's okay.  No more "I'm sorry" or "I couldn't handle that, you are so strong."  One week ago I would have said "No way could I ever handle that."  I genuinely know you are so sorry as are we.  Scriptures/songs of hope and prayers for peace for us and health for Jude is all we can ask for.  (side note: to my blog friends who are pregnant please note this happens to less than .4% of people.  I don't want you to have an ounce of fear, I was just one of the unlucky ones and that's life).  I'll update later but as of now, Jude is alive and fighting.

42 Days and 42 Nights

October 28, 2013

18 weeks pregnant, 6 days past rupture

My motto for this fight:  Finchè c'è vita c'è speranza:  Where there is life, there is hope.

Today, I'm 18 weeks.  42 days and 42 nights away from 24 weeks, which is our current goal.

If I haven't said it I have a condition called PPROM.  It's mid-trimester premature rupture of membrane.  As mentioned, it happens to .04-.07% of pregnant people.  I kind of have to smile at this (my only choice in the matter) because when people give me stats like that, I don't spend 1 ounce of my brain power worrying about it.  When I hit 12 weeks I read that I had less than 1% chance of any hiccups.  We naturally assume that won't be us. 

The last few days have been incredibly hard for a variety of reasons.  I'm on like 8 different emotional roller coasters:  I range from hope to doubt, fear to courage, faith to panic.  So many women have sent me stories of PPROMers with great results.  In the comments I've been sent to stories of women who beat the odds and held on.  I have also been sent stories of women who went into labor days after the rupture.  There's a support website I checked out and it had 70 stories for women who PPROMED at 17 weeks.  Some made it out with healthy babies, others did not.  I think the most devastating out of all the devastating possibilities would be to make it to 22 of 23 weeks and then infection or labor.  The majority of these stories tell of women going into labor at 19 or 20 weeks.  After all these years of trying, crying, hoping, praying and to know that I am FORTY TWO days away from the hope of raising my child feels insane.  Just over a month.  We are so close.

The Dr. gave me several studies and all the stats were different.  Most women go into labor within 48 hours 75% but then it said up to 88% will go into labor within 28 days.  My OB told me 8 days is the average.  Then I read 2-5 weeks.  I need 6.  Come on body, hold on.  Come on Lord, use this platform to perform a miracle. 

I've been trying to drink 1.5-2 gallons of water a day in hopes of Brinly catching some.  I leak a lot.  The leaking kills me each time.

Another strange phenomena has occurred as well:  my awareness/sensitivity to pregnant people.  I hate it.  When Darren and I broke up in college, we had been in a 2 year relationship.  I remember the first time I went to college youth group I was suddenly very aware of being single and very aware of men around me (this had been shut off for years).  I realized I did the same thing with pregnancy.  For once I could talk "baby talk" with my sister and sister in law with no one feeling awkward or like they were on eggshells.  I was in the mommy club.  24 hours before my water broke I parked in the "Stork Parking" at Babies R US and got to spend 2 hours holding the registering gun that I had earned and dreamed of (this is how I wanted to celebrate my 30th birthday).  When I was at the specialist, a pregnant woman walked by and the sting caught me off guard.  The jealously.  The longing for that.  Then I remembered I'm still pregnant too.

That's the other ridiculous emotion going on.  My stomach.  I'm tall but was DYING to show. I could
kiss anyone who said "you're getting big" and I cherished my growing belly because it was my miracle and evidence that this wasn't some crazy dream.  Maybe I idolized it?  If someone said "You don't look pregnant" it was equivalent to "you're super ugly!" lol.  Because of the water breaking my stomach is way smaller.  Like 12 weeks small.  And it breaks my heart. 

Lastly, some women have been telling me how "strong" I am  (thank you by the way).  The funny thing is this is not a choice.  Some people say "I could never do what you've done/are going through." I've always said that too; all my life I've said I could never deliver a dead child.  God willing, that is NOT the ending to my story, but if for some reason part of His plan, I will be strong by choice because there honestly is no other option.

So, 42 days and 42 nights.  Here we go.  One day at a time.  I surrender it all to Him.  Whether you believe in Jesus and the peace He offers or not, this worship song is my heart cry to him today.

Update #3-Meeting with Maternal Fetal Specialist

October 26, 2013

As you can imagine, the last few days have been an emotional whirlwind.  As reality sets in, I can't help but find myself in tears often-the fact that I'm on complete bed rest doesn't help with the racing mind.  My sister made the little image below in honor of her future niece and nephew.  Thanks Heidi.

Yesterday Darren, my mom, mother in law, and I drove to Oregon to discuss everything with a specialist.  He was young and incredibly positive and friendly.  Here's what went down:

1.  The ultrasound: 
First they went to Brinly.  Still shriveled up in fetal position.  "There is hardly any fluid" the tech says.  She does as much anatomy as she can on baby Brinly and then measures the amniotic fluid.  There is 1.18 cm.  She said "normal range" is 3-8 cm.  There was something in there allow a grave amount.

Then she goes to my sweet baby Jude who is 100% perfect.  He was a little wiggly, probably wondering what is going on downstairs (he is high up in my stomach)  and his anatomy was flawless.  We saw his eyes.  We feel in love more.

2.  We meet with the Dr. 
The Dr. had a huge pile of papers and info.  He said he had 3 options for us:

1.  Complete termination (suprisingly most people pick this route which is why there are not much studies on it).  Most cases are done in singletons (not twins) and because of all the risks to the mom and fetus, most people pull the plug.  Obviously this wasn't an option and he said he wouldn't bring it up again.

2.  Selective reduction.  As mentioned, a few studies have shown the sacrificing Brinly's little life could give her brother a better chance because as long as she is alive, I will continue to leak fluid which puts all 3 of us at very high risk of infection.  However, he was not doom and gloom about her like the OBGYNs at the hospital-he said although low, she could make it.  Darren and I had decided that we wouldn't even discuss reduction if Brinly had a .01% chance.  We crossed this option off the list.

3.  Option 3 is what they call expectant management.  I stay on bedrest, drink tons of water, and come in for weekly check ups to check on babies, check my white blood count for infection.  It's a huge up hill climb but we try to beat odds by making it to 24 weeks (43 days from now).  They will admit me at 24 weeks and then get really aggressive about delaying labor.  Here is the reality of the situation:

1.  Brinly is at huge risk for 3 things:  her lungs may be incredibly messed up that she dies the minute she is born (we decided we want to leave that in His hands as He is the giver of life and death, but we want to give her the best chance) he said this is 30-40% chance, 2nd risk: because of lack of fluid, sweet baby girl can't wiggle and move and stretch.  She will remain crunched up in a little ball and would need physical therapy for a couple years but can bounce back.  Lastly, because of lack of fluid my umbilical cord can crush her and kill her in the womb. 

2.  I have a condition called PPROM when the water breaks WAY to early and like I said, it happens in .7% of pregnancies!!  So random its me but that's life.  Unfortunately, when the water breaks this early, most people go into labor within 2-28 days.  I just have to sit here, day in and day out and wonder if I will go into labor.  I hate this.  I can't control it.  Some people hold out for a long time, while others can't hold on at all.  It's totally up to God and my body.  As mentioned, if I do go into labor, we will massively pray that I only deliver Brinly-sometimes they can keep the other twin in.

3.  Since I have to try to hang on for 6 more weeks to hit viability, the risk for infection is high.  Since baby Brinly will keep producing fluid and it will keep leaking, we are all at risk.  The second I get an infection, they force me to go into labor to save my life and my future fertility.  (Obviously this is the worst casenario in our minds).  Although its not protocol, the DR. gave me antibiotics which I am so thankful for. 

So, main prayer requests:
1.  That I don't go into labor
2.  No infection
3.  That God miracously fills Brinly's sac (he said it happens in 10% of these situations)

The doctor left me with a  recent story:
He had a surrogate whose water broke at 19 weeks.  Same situation-almost no fluid.  She went on bed rest, took antibiotics, and held out to 24 weeks when they admitted her. She was in hospital for 10 weeks and delivered a HEALTHY baby girl at 35 weeks with no complications.  The situation is rare, but he just experienced it. 

I really fill called to choose to be positive (not my nature after the years of failed treatments).  It's sooo much easier to be negative, prepared for worst, to think about the seriousness of the situation BUT I've read there is something your body does when you shift to "fight" zone.  I WILL carry these babies.  We will make this.  We have to believe that God will use this platform to perform a miracle until otherwise proven differently.  I'm scared and I cannot express the crazy love I have for these babies, but we will fight for them till the end whether it's today or in 3 months.  Thank you for all the emails, prayers, comments, flowers (Lost Stork), and support. Please keep praying for Brinly and Jude.

Update on Water Breaking at 17 weeks

October 24, 2013

The waiting game continues.  The diagnosis got more grim as different OBGYNs conferenced with the maternal fetal specialists (high risk pregnancy doctors).

Here's the update:

50-75 chance I will go into labor by 11:00 tonight (I haven't had cramping but I am passing some mucous/tissue)

Because Brinly has no water around her, they have given her slim to non to survive.  Because of risk of infection or me going into labor, they have given Jude 25-30% of survival rate.

If I don't go into labor tonight, we are meeting with the specialist tomorrow.  We will get to take a peek at the sac and see if any miraculous event has occurred (it resealing/refilling).  If it's still completely empty, she will most likely still be alive with a  strong heartbeat BUT every doctor has that even if I can carry her-there is no way she will survive outside the womb. 

This is where is gets twisted.  They are suggesting selective reduction-to stop her heart rate (since she is doomed anyway) to give Jude a higher chance of survival.  Never in a million years would I even consider this-I'm not God BUT then I start second guess this because I have another life to fight for-Baby Jude.

I just pray that God fills her sac or stops her heart rate himself if that is His plan.  AT this point there are 2 miracles:

1.  Both live
2. Jude lives

I couldn't handle laying in the hospital with no sleep and leg compressions and since I wasn't getting contractions or signs of an infection let, they let me go home.  Now I just wait and just trust God.  I cannot express how touched Darren and I are from all the prayers, hope, and encouragement. 

My Nightmare Coming True: 17 Weeks and my Water Broke

October 23, 2013

Insane how quickly things can change.  72 hours ago I was crying for joy with my family and friends celebrating the life and gender of our twins.  I'm currently typing from the delivery room at the hospital.

Yesterday I had stronger cramps than usual but nothing alarming.  I'm 17 weeks and I know that's usually a big growth spirt.  During work I went to the bathroom and I guess I lost my mucous plug.  I again wasn't too alarmed as I've had lots of weird discharge.  We went out for dinner and my cramps were a bit stronger (period like) but my husband convinced me it was most likely growing pains.  After a visit to Dr. Google, I figured it was normal.

I woke up with a strong cramp and went to the bathroom at 11:30pm.  I barely went.  All of the sudden my water broker.  Even though I was seated, it literally burst all over the floor.  I was in shock.  No way.  Maybe I just had to go to the bathroom really bad?  I called the advice line who told me to go straight to ER.

After 2 hours of waiting, they wheeled me back to the ultrasound.  There was my sweet sweet baby Brinly (we already decided on the name) with a strong heartbeat but curled up so so tight like a potato bug in the fetal position.  I could see her spine.  He told me I had lost almost all amniotic fluid.  Then he goes to our sweet boy, Jude.  His sack was full.

They wheel me back and I wait another 2 hours.  Here is the situation.  I beg everyone to ask God for a miracle.

1.  Best casenario:  the sac reseals.  This is rare but can happen (again, they all keep telling me how uncommon it is).  It reseals, refills, and everyone lives.

2.  2nd casenario:  Brinly dies because there is no fluid.  I hate this.  I hate it so much.  My sweet baby girl is so healthy and the only reason she dies is because my water broke-not because of some stupid "abnormality" but simply because my body released her fluid.  She dies BUT I don't go into labor or get an infection.  She stops growing and Jude just has to hang on at least a couple more months.

3.  3rd casenario:  I go into labor.  Very likely.  I might have to actually push out my daughter and see her.  I'm am in a FREAKING delivery room.  If this happens there is a small chance Jude would stay in (I only deliver Brinly) but they can't control it.

4.  Worst casenario:  Since my water broke I'm at high risk for an infection.  If I get an infection, they both die.  The OBGYN will force me to deliver to safe myself and uterus if we ever have the courage to try this again.

I keep thinking I'm in a bad dream.  Is this real?  I know I didn't have regular periods, but my cervix and everything is normal.  Am I seriously about to fall into that >1% that losses their babies after the 12 weeks?

A few posts ago I posted about how God never has and never will forsake me.  I can honestly say that it crossed my mind that God knows Darren and I are strong and bold about our faith.  If we can still praise His name, declare His glory, and remain un-bitter-who knows who that can bring to Christ.  I selfishly so do not want that job!  If I lose these 2 precious, forever-waited-for, so loved babies, I honestly think I would want to curl up and die for a bit.  This isn't a "miscarriage" where I can get them cleaned out and move on to the next treatment (as awful as that was) this is I might push them out and see them gasp for air. 

For those of you that know me, I truly accept that He gives and He takes away.  But please Lord, not here, not now.  Not like this.  Please join with us in praying that I'm one of the lucky one's who's sacs reseal and that Brinly makes it. 

Gender Reveal 4 Real!

October 19, 2013

I've been dying for this day.  It's a milestone. My 30th bday combined with gender reveal?   Surreal.

I know my readers are all at different places.  If you are at a "lower" point were the word baby makes you twitch and a bump makes you tear up, don't read today.  Instead, read these:

Box with Blue Balloons: Survival of the Gender Reveal


Cupcakes with Blue Filling

Often when someone who has been battling IF gets pregnant its easy to forget that they have been through hell themselves with the fight.  The first post is more recent and is when my SIL announced gender of her second pregnancy-about a month after our 2nd IVF failed.  I would sum it up as me trying my hardest to live out: happy for them, sad for us.

The 2nd one Cupcakes with Blue Filling is the post I wrote when my younger sister did her gender reveal party.  We had been trying for a year in vain and had about 3 IUIs under our belt.  They got pregnant the first month they tried.  I ADORE my sister and my precious nephew, but the post is honest of the amazing clash of emotions that come with the overall theme I've worked on mastering: happy for them, sad for us.

Finally, finally, finally after three long hard years, tonight WE are HAPPY for US.  This doesn't mean I have forgotten the pain, the worry, the increasing frustration infertility has to offer.

Here is the future dad making the "reveal" boxes:

Here is the video that tells it all:




Lastly, as I was looking through my posts I found one I wrote on my 29th birthday.  When I blew out my candles there were 2 candles left-the colors of my twins!

National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Day

October 15, 2013

For people who have been following me for awhile, sorry for any repeat info.  I just thought I would reflect on our 2 miscarriages in honor of today.

After 2 years of struggling with infertility, our first IVF worked.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  Pregnant.  Clear as day on the clear blue digital.  My future flashed before my eyes.  I fell in love.  I woke up my husband at 5:00 to show him (I set up a hidden camera, you can watch the reaction of my husband finding out we were going to be parents for the first time in the tribute video below at 4:29). This was it.  Prayers answered.  The 8 failed IUIs behind us, the fear gone, the journey to motherhood so close I could taste it.  I couldn't wait for my 2nd beta blood test to confirm it was healthy and normal and to tell our family (they didn't know we were doing IVF). I was on cloud 9 at work.  Smiling non stop.  It worked and there was a life inside me. The nurse called with my first Beta blood test of 100 and she actually said the words "congratulations, you are pregnant."  I put stuff in the "shopping cart" online and planned to hit submit once I got that phone call that all was well.

The phone call came.  My beta, to be healthy/viable, should have doubled to around 200.  It had gone up only to 104.  They warned me that this probably wouldn't be viable.  My dreams of telling our moms in an "awesome" way faded and we called them sobbing, recapping the injections, the surgery, the positive test and blood, and now this. 

I think the thing that hit me the hardest with miscarriage #1 was that for some reason, I didn't even process Ivf could lead to miscarriage.  This is rare for me.  I worry about everything.  Every. Single. Thing.  But when I saw "pregnant" I believed it.  No doubt, this was it.  Answered prayers.  Done with being infertile. 

The worst part of it was I had to wait till I was 7 weeks along for them to fully know 100% that it wasn't viable.  So I continued with the PIO shots nightly.  My beta started to increase and finally doubled (it got into the 7000s).  But that ultrasound, although I walked in with little hope, confirmed the loss.  Empty sack.  Blighted ovum.  No heartbeat. 

Although the baby had almost instantly stopped growing once it implanted, my body thought it was pregnant and continued to grow the sack.  In those weeks of knowing there was a small chance, I tried to embrace the fact the baby was in me, with me.  I was pregnant, just not viable.   The D and C was a good closure, but it also got to me that it was over, the baby gone.  I truly believed he/she went to heaven.  I made a little tribute video to mourn it.  Although I'm iffy on actually giving these babies names, I decided that if I were to name him/her it would be Jaden.  Although I'm pregnant now, I often wonder what Jaden would have been like.  He would have been here now born July 21st.

On July 21st I found out our 3rd IVF worked.  Later on at 6.5 weeks, I saw, SAW 3 heartbeats.  Surreal.  3 lives beating.  The first miscarriage jaded me.  I knew multiples has a higher risk of losing 1-2 in the first tri (I read 40% chance to lose a triplet).  At 7.5 all 3 heartbeats were dead on.  The RE and my OBGYN said it looks like you are going to carry them all.  At 9 weeks Baby B lost its heartbeat the day I went in.  It was the same size as the others and had literally died that day. 

Oddly enough, this "miscarriage" was even "bigger" than the first because I had seen the heartbeat twice.  I was horrified the other 2 would be hurt by it and so sad that my body had failed another sweet little life.  However, I had weird unexplainable peace that Baby B was never supposed to be here and that God had known the whole time that he wouldn't stay.  Never mine to begin with. It was strange.  When we told people we were having triplets everyone would laugh.  Isaac means laughter in the Bible so that is who I will look for in heaven.

I know people have it way worse.  Stillborns.  Loss of a born child.  Repeat miscarriages.  It hurts at all levels.  The first miscarriage was harder for me (maybe 2nd was easier because there were still 2?) but I am grateful they were early.  Every day you love your baby more and more and I think losing a triplet (or singleton) at this point 16 weeks would be even harder than 9, and so on. 

I followed someone who had success with her second Ivf.  Once her baby was born she dealt with deep sorrow because her live baby reminded her of her embryos that didn't make it (we all few embryos differently but to her they were her children).  I wonder if when my babies come if I will think more about the losses.  What if they looked similar?  Maybe they would have been best friends?

Obviously we live in a world full of pain/loss that none of us are immune to.  Tonight, I lite the candles for my 2 who will forever be in my heard and who I hope to meet someday. 

Not For a Moment

October 13, 2013

I was driving to work on Friday (my whole 2 mile commute) and was listening to the Christian radio station.  Lyrics jumped out at me "Even when I could not see in the middle of it all" and "Every tear every cry every prayer, in my hurt at my worst" and then "Not for a moment did YOU forsake me."  It was strange.  When I heard that I had flashbacks of laying on the table for an IUI again and again and again.  My mind brought back the cold hospital room that I woke up in after the D&C to clean out our first miscarriage.  I remembered the tears and the pain and the wondering.

I've been blogging for almost two years and in the first year I did a post called "Remember Me."  In all the infertile stories in the Bible it always mentions God "remembering" someone and then answering the prayer. Even as a strong believer, there were thousands of moments in this 3 year journey where I wondered where He was, and doubted He cared. 

There are some things we cannot understand on this earth...why??  Why is a question I still struggle with.  I follow so many people in so many different stages of this fight.  Some have beaten infertility's ugly face and have sweet little babies at home.  Others have been at it for years and still hold on to the faith.  Others are very very angry, frustrated, and lost.  Why?  Why do we even get the positive pregnancy test if it's going to end in miscarriage?  Why does something as crazy advanced as IVF still fail?  Why do we see the heartbeat once and not always again?  Why did it even implant in the first place?  I don't know.  BUT, I'm a firm believer that if you call yourself a Christian you are 100% or 100% out.  This doesn't mean we can't shake our hands at the heavens and cry out why?  Or feel angry, or question, or be scared.  But like the song says:  After all You are constant, After all You are only good , After all You are sovereign at the end of it all I have to remind myself He works all things together for the good of those who love Him.

After the flashbacks of the shots, pills, treatments, losses, false hopes, other people pregnant all around me, the heartache, the fear, the questioning, the blood, the sweat, the soaking wet pillow, I remembered that Not for a moment did he forsake me.  I don't know why IVF #3 was the "one" He chose, but He had chose that before time.  Tonight I was taking a bath and my stomach is clearly sporting  a little belly.  I didn't believe it for a second. Is this another dream?  Is this actually going to work?  I started crying in pure humbleness and thanks that God is actually doing this for us. 

Wherever you are in the journey-just starting out ttc, worn, tired, weary, taking shots, saving for treatments, praying for guidance, hoping, worrying, wondering, dreaming-keep going.  I pray someday  it will all make sense the route to motherhood God has planned for you (surprise miracle, IUI, IVF, adoption, foster, donor, surrogate, etc.).

Lastly, I leave you with a little "Chicken Soup for the Infertile Soul" (does that exist yet?)  Seriously, this story moved me to tears= this is truly a "triumph-loss" story.

"Not For A Moment (After All)"

[Verse 1]
You were reaching through the storm
Walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all
When I thought You were a thousand miles away
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Not for a moment did You forsake me
After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me

[Verse 2]
You were singing in the dark
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me


And every step every breath you are there
Every tear every cry every prayer
In my hurt at my worst
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Even in the dark
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me
After all

Not for a moment will You forsake me

It'S A.....

October 9, 2013

I got my sixth ultrasound Monday at exactly 15 weeks (they do little quick ones each check up since there are two it's hard to determine heartbeats) and my mom was with me.  The screen was smaller than an IPAD and just looked blurry.  My Dr. seemed happy until we slipped and told her we are doing my gender reveal party next weekend the 19th...I'm doing an "elective" ultrasound.

She made me feel somewhat guilty about these not being medical and the FDA not liking them and no studies done on effects of too many ultrasounds.  She tried talking me into waiting till my scheduled anatomy one on Halloween.  No way in H E double hockey sticks could I wait.  With technology at our fingertips and only $55 to KNOW the gender NOW.  I debated it but after discussing it with the husband and friends, I figured it would be fine.  If they were so "dangerous" I don't think Kaiser would do them every time.  When I looked more into it the FDA was more concerned with long ultrasounds to create a video.

Anyways, Darren and I drove to Portland TODAY!  We found "Fetal Photos" and made our way in.  I told the tech that I didn't need a "show" or a long ultrasound but to determine gender and be done.  I had to quickly address the miscarried triplet (the small sack is still in there, as to not confuse/alarm her).  She did the whole thing in like 4 minutes.  She zoomed in on each "between the legs" and said without doubt the sex of each one.  She said she is 99.9% sure just because she isn't allowed to say 100% and that if she were me she go out and buy baby clothes.  The cool thing is her determination was the same as the maternal fetal specialist 2 weeks ago.  They gave me these kind of cheesy certificates of the official gender.  I've heard stories of techs being wrong, but we are 99% too based on the 2 ultrasounds.  On the way home I stopped at H&M and did a little wardrobe purchase to start the collection.

Now the question.  How do I keep my mouth shut for 10 days??

Sunshine Award!

I have been nominated by for the sunshine award. How fun!!  It's all about supporting one another and showing a little love!

Here are the rules:
1. Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post.
2. Link to the person who nominated you.
3. Answer 10 questions about yourself.
4. Nominate 10 bloggers to receive the award.
5. Link your nominees and let them know they've been nominated.

 1) If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
I actually really like where I live because all our family is here-we wouldn't mind a more sunny state though...(Washington is super duper rainy)

 2) What is your favorite movie of all time?

 3) What is your favorite sinful pleasure?
Probably oreos in regards to food...I like to listen to teenage pop really loud in my car.

 4) What makes you unique?
Hmmm.  I speak Spanish, my husband and I both "waited" for marriage, we've done ELEVEN fertility treatments (not a cool unique!)

 5) What is the sweetest thing your significant other has done for you?
I honestly am so blessed to be married to Darren.  I am a massive natural worrier and he is so positive, comforting, and encouraging.  He never once got annoyed with me during all the fear and obsession over the last 3 years of ttc.  Recently he's been doing massive housework to.  Our proposal was pretty sweet too :)

 6) What is the number one thing on your bucket list?
Have a child

 7) If you could be anyone for a day who would it be?
Probably my husband.  It would be so crazy to actually see how calm the male brain is!

 8) What word in the dictionary irritates you the most?
Lol, I don't know.  Although I have my masters degree I have a very very very limited vocabulary and get made fun of all the time!

 9) What would your dream job be?
I'm actually doing the job I've always wanted to do (high school teacher) BUT in another life I would have been a nutrionalist or a social worker with foster children.

 10) What is your favorite memory?
My husband and I had a rocky road to marriage.  We dated for 2 years when we were young (20-22) and then broke up 2 years and didn't talk.  We got back together when I turned 25.  A lot of my favorite memories are the funny/cute things we did in our early twenties (like first time he said "I love you" and those moments when you just know they are the one)

Here are 10 bloggers that I follow and they also take the time to comment on my blog which always brightens my day.

Here are your questions girls!

  1. Where did you come up with the name of your blog (this intrigues me)?
  2. You have the chance to be told 5 significant events that will occur in your lifetime (what will happen and when).  Do you want to know and why?
  3. If you could do any job, regardless of money or talent, what would it be?
  4. What was your favorite Halloween costume when you were young?
  5. Has ttc changed you?
  6. What is your favorite thing about yourself?
  7. You can eat one thing every day for the next month.  What is it?
  8. If you had a superpower, what would it be?
  9. Would you rather live one 1000 year life or ten 100 year lives?
  10. What is your best piece of advice?

My Bucket List:

My Bucket List: