April 18, 2012

Desperate times call for desperate measures.  I have always kind of "laughed off" natropathic medicine.  I went to one about 4 months ago and left with some tea to drink.  I didn't go back.

But now, 4 months later, I'm kind of willing to try anything.  I met with one in Portland today.  She was very very nice and not much older than me.  She asked a lot of questions and then made a lot of suggestions.  By the end, there was probably over 12 things to try and buy.

The receptionist showed me all the medicine on my way out.  Bottles droplets and oils and creams.  Each about $30.  I also don't want to overstimulate but they seem so confident.  As of now, I've decided to try the following, crazy or not...

1. Seed cycle:  First 14 days of cycle I eat pumpkin seeds, last portion of cycle, I eat sunflower seeds.

2.  Castor Oil: I literally rub caster oil on the outside of my liver and lay there for 30 minutes a day.

3.  Magnesium

4.  Fish Oil (I'm ify on this one because I HATE the smell).

5.  30 minutes of exercise to reduce insulin

6.  Several deep breaths throughout day and reminding myself that God is in control and the timing hasn't been right yet.

7.  Skin combing:  I literally take a hairbrush and brush it lightly on my arms and lets towards my heart to move toxins there?  Weird but I'll do it.  I just hope Darren doesn't pop in ;)

Happy Wife=Happy Life

April 17, 2012

Well, the last cycle was a bust and it's amazing to think of all the emotions I've been through in the last week.  I've cried to friends (can't hold back tears) about how I'm trying to keep my faith high and eyes above, but the pain of another failed cycle and the fears of "what if."

I have become a bit more aggressively medically as well.  I have insisted on a pelvic ultra sound just to make sure my ovaries are not covered in cysts.  I emailed my doctor in regards to how far Kaiser Permanente will take me.  I'm about to start 7.5 mg of Femera (the highest dosage) and if this doesn't work, my only option is to try clomid 150 mg one more time with an HGC shot.  If that doesn't work...

I'm in a tough spot because I don't want to "rush" God but in numbers, I have only ovulated twice in a year.  I was able to convince my husband to let me go to IVF when he is done with school at the end of the year, but then again, if nothing works before hand, why not do it now?

It's such a frustrating boat.  The program we would do is called ATTAIN and you pay 20k but get 6 trys.  It's hard because the last 3 years of our marriage we have been putting every penny to get out of student loan add 20k to that seems heartbreaking; to not be pregnant seems worse.  How long do you try before IVF?   On one side, I would pay 20k tomorrow to get out of this emotional/stressful ride.

Darren my husband is sweet and he trusts me with financial decisions.  He said he wants me to be happy and if I want to go this route, he supports its.  It's relaxing to know their is a little hope in the future that I can move forward with this, but on the other hand, I really really really am praying God will answer before then.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

April 5, 2012

CD 21, no positive opk yet.

Today is hard.  This is such a process of hope and doubt and surprise and disappointment.  I recently have been feeling like I was going to ovulate and almost shocked when the digital tester came back negative.  It's difficult because I feel like I'm wasting time.  If this cycle is a "bust" I want to move on to the next.  I HATE that I have to wait 40 + days to restart a new cycle and then wait another 20 to see if I even ovulate.  It puts SO much pressure on the positive days for us to "do it" because the opportunities are so few and far in between.

Being pessimistic, it's April and I have only officially ovulated once (New Years) this entire year :(  I wish I could go right to IVF, but I know we haven't tried long enough.  Plus, IVF is its own "can of worms" with the trillions of shots and hormones they put you on, not to mention, the price of a house down payment. 

Kaiser offers free counseling to people struggling, I think I need to go.  Sometimes its hard being a woman because I am 100% constantly aware of the ache and fear inside me.  I even dream about it.  Even in my  happiest of moments, I am aware.   

My only options are to chose to hope or despair.  I'm not going to sugar coat this.  It really SUCKS.  But maybe this month I'll still O or maybe next month the next dosage will do the trick...


April 3, 2012

Today my little sister got to see her baby.  She is 8 weeks.  My mom wanted to tell me all about it (although I said I would rather just talk to my sister).  Mom went on about the "miracle" of life. 

By this point, I am well aware that conception is indeed a miracle.  With millions and millions of sperm and a failed Artificial Insemination, I know that babies being created is beyond miraculous.  I don't need people to tell me. 

I'm reading the Old Testament and so many women had "closed wombs."  Hannah, the mother of Samuel, prayed and prayed and prayed and then eventually it says, "And then God remembered her." 

I feel terrible.  Terrible that my sister's joy magnifies my sorrow.  Terrible for feeling it.  I don't want to be that person that everyone has to "tip toe" around, but even walking by the baby aisle in Target feels like the cute toys and puppy ear hats laugh at me and remind me of the hole in my heart and womb. 

I continually am trying to turn my worries and anxieties to prayers.

"I have a gut feeling that the Femera won't work this cycle" =Oh God, help it work

"What if we do IVF and that fails too?" =Jesus, I trust you.  If that is your will, open that door.

"This saddens deepens daily.  I'm tired of charting, hoping, temping, testing, monitoring" = Father, have mercy on me, give me patience.  And REMEMBER ME.

This video brings tears to my eyes.  Watch it if you want to experience even a small ounce of the thoughts and fears in women dealing with this.  I don't have all the fears (ie husband leaving me for a fertile women), but I have many. 

My Bucket List:

My Bucket List: