42 Days and 42 Nights

October 28, 2013

18 weeks pregnant, 6 days past rupture

My motto for this fight:  Finchè c'è vita c'è speranza:  Where there is life, there is hope.

Today, I'm 18 weeks.  42 days and 42 nights away from 24 weeks, which is our current goal.

If I haven't said it I have a condition called PPROM.  It's mid-trimester premature rupture of membrane.  As mentioned, it happens to .04-.07% of pregnant people.  I kind of have to smile at this (my only choice in the matter) because when people give me stats like that, I don't spend 1 ounce of my brain power worrying about it.  When I hit 12 weeks I read that I had less than 1% chance of any hiccups.  We naturally assume that won't be us. 

The last few days have been incredibly hard for a variety of reasons.  I'm on like 8 different emotional roller coasters:  I range from hope to doubt, fear to courage, faith to panic.  So many women have sent me stories of PPROMers with great results.  In the comments I've been sent to stories of women who beat the odds and held on.  I have also been sent stories of women who went into labor days after the rupture.  There's a support website I checked out and it had 70 stories for women who PPROMED at 17 weeks.  Some made it out with healthy babies, others did not.  I think the most devastating out of all the devastating possibilities would be to make it to 22 of 23 weeks and then infection or labor.  The majority of these stories tell of women going into labor at 19 or 20 weeks.  After all these years of trying, crying, hoping, praying and to know that I am FORTY TWO days away from the hope of raising my child feels insane.  Just over a month.  We are so close.

The Dr. gave me several studies and all the stats were different.  Most women go into labor within 48 hours 75% but then it said up to 88% will go into labor within 28 days.  My OB told me 8 days is the average.  Then I read 2-5 weeks.  I need 6.  Come on body, hold on.  Come on Lord, use this platform to perform a miracle. 

I've been trying to drink 1.5-2 gallons of water a day in hopes of Brinly catching some.  I leak a lot.  The leaking kills me each time.

Another strange phenomena has occurred as well:  my awareness/sensitivity to pregnant people.  I hate it.  When Darren and I broke up in college, we had been in a 2 year relationship.  I remember the first time I went to college youth group I was suddenly very aware of being single and very aware of men around me (this had been shut off for years).  I realized I did the same thing with pregnancy.  For once I could talk "baby talk" with my sister and sister in law with no one feeling awkward or like they were on eggshells.  I was in the mommy club.  24 hours before my water broke I parked in the "Stork Parking" at Babies R US and got to spend 2 hours holding the registering gun that I had earned and dreamed of (this is how I wanted to celebrate my 30th birthday).  When I was at the specialist, a pregnant woman walked by and the sting caught me off guard.  The jealously.  The longing for that.  Then I remembered I'm still pregnant too.

That's the other ridiculous emotion going on.  My stomach.  I'm tall but was DYING to show. I could
kiss anyone who said "you're getting big" and I cherished my growing belly because it was my miracle and evidence that this wasn't some crazy dream.  Maybe I idolized it?  If someone said "You don't look pregnant" it was equivalent to "you're super ugly!" lol.  Because of the water breaking my stomach is way smaller.  Like 12 weeks small.  And it breaks my heart. 

Lastly, some women have been telling me how "strong" I am  (thank you by the way).  The funny thing is this is not a choice.  Some people say "I could never do what you've done/are going through." I've always said that too; all my life I've said I could never deliver a dead child.  God willing, that is NOT the ending to my story, but if for some reason part of His plan, I will be strong by choice because there honestly is no other option.

So, 42 days and 42 nights.  Here we go.  One day at a time.  I surrender it all to Him.  Whether you believe in Jesus and the peace He offers or not, this worship song is my heart cry to him today.

Update #3-Meeting with Maternal Fetal Specialist

October 26, 2013

As you can imagine, the last few days have been an emotional whirlwind.  As reality sets in, I can't help but find myself in tears often-the fact that I'm on complete bed rest doesn't help with the racing mind.  My sister made the little image below in honor of her future niece and nephew.  Thanks Heidi.

Yesterday Darren, my mom, mother in law, and I drove to Oregon to discuss everything with a specialist.  He was young and incredibly positive and friendly.  Here's what went down:

1.  The ultrasound: 
First they went to Brinly.  Still shriveled up in fetal position.  "There is hardly any fluid" the tech says.  She does as much anatomy as she can on baby Brinly and then measures the amniotic fluid.  There is 1.18 cm.  She said "normal range" is 3-8 cm.  There was something in there allow a grave amount.

Then she goes to my sweet baby Jude who is 100% perfect.  He was a little wiggly, probably wondering what is going on downstairs (he is high up in my stomach)  and his anatomy was flawless.  We saw his eyes.  We feel in love more.


2.  We meet with the Dr. 
The Dr. had a huge pile of papers and info.  He said he had 3 options for us:

1.  Complete termination (suprisingly most people pick this route which is why there are not much studies on it).  Most cases are done in singletons (not twins) and because of all the risks to the mom and fetus, most people pull the plug.  Obviously this wasn't an option and he said he wouldn't bring it up again.

2.  Selective reduction.  As mentioned, a few studies have shown the sacrificing Brinly's little life could give her brother a better chance because as long as she is alive, I will continue to leak fluid which puts all 3 of us at very high risk of infection.  However, he was not doom and gloom about her like the OBGYNs at the hospital-he said although low, she could make it.  Darren and I had decided that we wouldn't even discuss reduction if Brinly had a .01% chance.  We crossed this option off the list.

3.  Option 3 is what they call expectant management.  I stay on bedrest, drink tons of water, and come in for weekly check ups to check on babies, check my white blood count for infection.  It's a huge up hill climb but we try to beat odds by making it to 24 weeks (43 days from now).  They will admit me at 24 weeks and then get really aggressive about delaying labor.  Here is the reality of the situation:

1.  Brinly is at huge risk for 3 things:  her lungs may be incredibly messed up that she dies the minute she is born (we decided we want to leave that in His hands as He is the giver of life and death, but we want to give her the best chance) he said this is 30-40% chance, 2nd risk: because of lack of fluid, sweet baby girl can't wiggle and move and stretch.  She will remain crunched up in a little ball and would need physical therapy for a couple years but can bounce back.  Lastly, because of lack of fluid my umbilical cord can crush her and kill her in the womb. 

2.  I have a condition called PPROM when the water breaks WAY to early and like I said, it happens in .7% of pregnancies!!  So random its me but that's life.  Unfortunately, when the water breaks this early, most people go into labor within 2-28 days.  I just have to sit here, day in and day out and wonder if I will go into labor.  I hate this.  I can't control it.  Some people hold out for a long time, while others can't hold on at all.  It's totally up to God and my body.  As mentioned, if I do go into labor, we will massively pray that I only deliver Brinly-sometimes they can keep the other twin in.

3.  Since I have to try to hang on for 6 more weeks to hit viability, the risk for infection is high.  Since baby Brinly will keep producing fluid and it will keep leaking, we are all at risk.  The second I get an infection, they force me to go into labor to save my life and my future fertility.  (Obviously this is the worst casenario in our minds).  Although its not protocol, the DR. gave me antibiotics which I am so thankful for. 

So, main prayer requests:
1.  That I don't go into labor
2.  No infection
3.  That God miracously fills Brinly's sac (he said it happens in 10% of these situations)

The doctor left me with a  recent story:
He had a surrogate whose water broke at 19 weeks.  Same situation-almost no fluid.  She went on bed rest, took antibiotics, and held out to 24 weeks when they admitted her. She was in hospital for 10 weeks and delivered a HEALTHY baby girl at 35 weeks with no complications.  The situation is rare, but he just experienced it. 

I really fill called to choose to be positive (not my nature after the years of failed treatments).  It's sooo much easier to be negative, prepared for worst, to think about the seriousness of the situation BUT I've read there is something your body does when you shift to "fight" zone.  I WILL carry these babies.  We will make this.  We have to believe that God will use this platform to perform a miracle until otherwise proven differently.  I'm scared and I cannot express the crazy love I have for these babies, but we will fight for them till the end whether it's today or in 3 months.  Thank you for all the emails, prayers, comments, flowers (Lost Stork), and support. Please keep praying for Brinly and Jude.