Love/Hate Relationship With Hope

November 29, 2012

Yesterday I went back to Kaiser EXACTLY 48 hours after my BETA on Monday at 881.  I was praying that

A.  If it's not in God's will that this ride ends and my numbers drop so I can mourn and move on.
B.  A miracle and numbers double.


I cannot begin to explain the anxiety I've had since the day the little babies were put in me.  First, when should I do a HPT?  Second, what is my blood level?  Third, did my HCG blood level double??

When it didn't, that when the craziness began.  It went from 100 to 104 (48 hours) to 134 (72 hours).  As mentioned, I cried and said "goodbye" and even told the secretaries at my work that I was having an early miscarriage.

But then I get the news to wait a full week.  I spotted once and the RE said to stop the PIO shots.  I didn't just in case.  Monday my numbers were 881.  Yesterday they had gone up to 2020!!!  More than doubled!!  I was so sick waiting on the phone with Kaiser to hear my results (I was on hold for 20 minutes).  My heart beat fast, I had the worst headache ever. 

When I finally heard the results I temporally was released from the level of stress.  My own OBGYN (who is now monitoring me) said "this looks great!"  the RE said "still low but lets do an ultrasound in another week".  I go in Tuesday.

I realize how much I love and hate hope at the same time.  I love it because it means there is a chance.  It means miracles can still occur.  It means I might go on to have a healthy pregnancy. 

But I hate it too.  The minute I think "I might go on to have a healthy pregnancy" I realize, the hope is making me more vulnerable.  That if this fails, because I've started to allow hope in, it will hurt worse than before.

The Bible says HOPE does not disappoint us.  I know HE will give me strength no matter what, but He has also brought me this far and been responding to prayers.  I'm guarded, but I so so so HOPE that I see that little beat next week.

Thank you for the prayers.  I would love to personally experience this miracle!

The Waiting Room

November 26, 2012

What a crazy string of emotions it's been since last Monday.  Last Monday, as mentioned, my HCG levels went up (from 104 to 134 in 3 days) and the RE said, "Let's give it a week and to get an ultrasound next Monday (today) to check in."

To cope, I've allowed myself to "mourn" my babies.  Although still inside me, I know things look very very dark.  I believe in a God of miracles but I also believe in a God that does His plans over mine. 

I have always thought it was "weird" to name babies before they are born, but I've done it. 

I have always thought it was "weird" to want to have a funeral or memorial service for early miscarriage.  I've planned one.

I have always thought it "strange" how some people can be so deeply saddened by the loss of babies that didn't even have a heartbeat yet.  I've sobbed, I pleaded in prayer, I have felt like I've tasted death.

Infertility redefines us at the core.

Today I went to Kaiser (my insurance doesn't cover IVF stuff) to get the ultrasound.  It was just a lab tech.  I got my blood work done at Kaiser as well.  I was in the waiting room forever.  Then waiting in the ultrasound room forever also.  I thought "the waiting room" would be the perfect name for an IF blog.

They put my OBGYN on the phone.  She actually seemed hopeful.  She said my numbers are not great but she has seen them develop into normal pregnancies.  The lab tech couldn't detect much but they THOUGHT they MIGHT have seen something in the uterus but too early to detect. 

It's been a week but my levels went up to 891.  They are increasing.  She said this is good although still a "little low."  The RE called and said I'm in the grey area, they are not sure what to make.  They don't think it's chemical because that usually dies off fast...

So many people have recommended Te book "A Jesus Calling" to me and I finally got it.  Here is the first one I read a few days ago when I was at a low point:

I was sure today would be the day I could let go, mourn, cry, sob, and then try to move on.  But the only answer I got was repeat blood test Wednesday.  God could be doing a miracle.  Or He could be putting me through trials to refine me...but for now, I'm stuck in the "waiting room."

Thank you so much for the continued prayers.  Lord, hear us knock, do a miracle, and save the lives of my babies.

Mirages, Miscarriages, and My Moms

November 19, 2012

(Disclaimer, I was 100% I was going to get the pull the plug 'aka progesterone in oil shot" and let it go call that I told everyone at work that knew that i was miscarrying and wrote this post.  However, the roller coaster continues.  They called me and said it only went from 104 to 134 in 3 days.  Still a horrible sign but she said there is a SMALL super tiny chance of hope.  I have to wait an entire week for 1 more blood test and an ultrasound to rule out ectopic.  I'm trying to stay positive: more time to pray and ask for a miracle, 1 more week I get to spend with my little sweethearts.  This post was written before I got the "wait" news.  I want closure and to move on either way. Please hope with us)
I wasn't prepared for the emotions that come with IVF.  I knew positive pregnancy would be crazy joy, and I knew negative pregnancy would be deep sadness, but I wasn't prepared for a "congrats" and "I'm so sorry" within 48 hours.  That one is throwing me bad.

In order of my title, I looked up reasons why I would get a positive HPT and blood test all to have it turn into an early miscarriage.  When I was searching I came across this title:

"Chemical Pregnancy, a Cruel Mirage"
"A chemical pregnancy occurs when an embryo does not implant properly. The embryo produces enough HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin, the molecule which is unique to pregnancy) so that it can be detected on the beta HCG blood test and the sensitive uterine pregnancy home tests (hence its name, because it can be detected using chemical tests) , but because it does not develop normally, the HCG levels decline. "

The article goes on to say:
The most difficult aspect of a chemical pregnancy is the false hope that it creates - you get excited that you are finally pregnant - and then you have to deal with the crushing disappointment of having to cope with a miscarriage. For many couples, this can be the last straw which breaks the camel's back. They often find it easier to deal with a negative HCG result ; rather than a result which starts of offering hope by being positive, and then declines.

I couldn't agree more. Cruel.  Crushing Disappointment JUST because I heard congratulations.  I let out a sigh of tension that has been building for years. 

Not to mention the crush of future dreams.  The minute the "ring is on your finger" or you "hold the positive test" you almost hear your baby say "mommy."  It's natural to instantly go to these dreams.

My mom and mother in law were amazing.  My mom instantly prayed for a miracle and told me she already loved her little grandchildren so much.  My mother in law also went to prayer and then reminded me of the positives (hard to see in the moment, but stuff like "knowing an embryo  can stick" and that miscarriages are usually the sign of an unhealthy baby on the way).

A wonderful fellow blogger sent me a little stitched heart with 2 hearts stitched inside representing the embryos (before I knew I was going to miscarry) and I can't let go of it. All weekend, it's been in my pocket, in my shirt, on my chest.

Bad, Bad News

November 16, 2012

I know that it is "idiotic" to celebrate a pregnancy  early.  I felt I could announce it on my blog since my followers are almost all strangers that deserve to know the honest truth of the journey.

My Beta didn't double.

It went from 100, to 104.

The nurse wasn't optimistic but said they are not pulling the plug yet and i have to continue with the huge shot till Monday for 1 more bloodtest.

I'm pretty speechless.  My husband felt like it was time to press in and pray for a miracle.

That we will do, but I need EVERYONE to pray.  Just like in the Old Testament, Moses was at a point where he couldn't hold the rod up anymore because his arms were tired. 

My arms are tired.

We are breaking the news to our families tonight to get them on the prayer wagon.  Not how I dreamed of telling them, but I don't care.  There is a glimmer of hope and I'm chasing it.

In the meantime, I'm preparing for next steps.

A trillion cuss words to you, infertility.

I'm Engaged!

November 15, 2012

Okay, I've been married for 3 years.  BUT, my mind is BLOWN with how similar a "positive pregnancy test" is to a wedding ring.  My sister and I were just having this conversation.

When Darren gave me the wedding ring, I knew the plan was to get married in 6 months.  I had six months to prepare, to plan, to dream.  BUT, many many many engagements end for whatever reason: doubt, fear, timing, insecurity, infidelity, realization, etc.  It's not a guaranteed deal till it's official and I hear those sweet words "I know pronounce you man and wife."  I had an amazing engagement and am blessed with an awesome marriage.  But it would be a lie if I didn't have that little fear creep in that the dream could end, that a date was "set" but not fully 100% going to happen.

Many people warned me that pregnancy is the same.  I think, at least in the beginning, people pursuing ART have it worse.  I mean, when all my friends and sister got the positive hpt, that was it.  They celebrated among close friends and family, rejoiced, and of course looked forward to (and some still nervous) the 9 week ultrasound. 

But with me, it almost feels as if someone told me Darren will propose tomorrow.  Tomorrow is when I go in for the 2nd BETA to make sure it doubles.  If it doesn't double, that's bad.  Most women don't go through this, although they can miscarry, they accept that they are pregnant and move on.  But IVFers and IUIers have lots of mini steps.

I cried when I saw the positive pregnancy test.  I have been fearing for over 11 years I would never experience that moment. 

BUT, when the nurse called to tell me congrats, she was calm.  She said I need to come in tomorrow for the second blood test.  When I got off the phone with here, there wasn't the relief I was expecting.  There was  my automatic "what if."  I have got to completely let go and trust God and know that at this point, I'm on cruise control, but it's bittersweet.  I want to celebrate but I'm in dread of tomorrow. I am so used to NEGATIVE tests (I mean come on EIGHT failed IUIs).

Even when I called to tell my close friends the update it wasn't a celebration.  It was a cautious one step at a time congrats.  Which is healthy and safe...but kind of sad.

Infertility impacts women on both sides of the coin.  PLEASE understand I'm not complaining, I'm just not celebrating, at least not yet.  Tomorrow when I get the BETA, if it's good, I'm going to let go of my held breath.

I follow some awesome blogs.  I'm really inspired by a fellow blogger named Jen (http://theinconceivablehousewife.blogspot.com/).  She pondered keeping her pregnancy a secret till the official 12 week mark but realized, in this moment she is pregnant and she is going to embrace and celebrate each day God gives her with the baby. 

After tomorrow, that will be my new goal.  One day at a time, enjoying the pregnancy and not fearing it.  I think we will tell our families after all.  I want mom and dad and the in laws to get to experience the joy too, come what may.

The funny thing is, another fellow blogger (http://ababyinthemakingihope.blogspot.com/) pointed out, the worrying  over our children will never stop.  It starts with did the embryos stick, to is there a heartbeat to is everything okay with the baby, to them being born.  When they are actually walking around, I've heard its like "your heart outside your body."  I guess the other part better get used to worrying for them and training my mind to turn that to prayer.

Until tomorrow, I feel like I just found out Darren bought the ring.  If the numbers are good, let the 9 month engagement begin.

IVF Results: Wordless Wednesday

November 14, 2012

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(BETA came back today at 100.  I have to go in Friday to make sure it doubles, after that, I can relax)

I Want to Meet Them So Bad

November 8, 2012

When I got the egg transfer on Sunday they handed me some "post" instructions.  They said to come back in 10 days (Nov 14) for the Beta blood test.  The paper warned that this may feel like a "prolonged" amount of time.  No @$#%#%^@#^%.

At first I was like, ha!  Ten days?  Piece of cake.  Heck, I've been sticking myself since October 8th, what's 10 measly days?

It's only been 4 days since the transfer and I'm in that crazy zone.  I know I know that HE is the author and finisher and God already knows the outcome, but I don't.  I keep reminding myself to turn my fears to prayers my worries to requests, my doubt to hope.

Google is an evil creature.  I've googled "eye twitch" (but this has been going on since the beginning of IVF), sore legs (my calves are sore), cramps, how early YOU tested on a hpt, etc.  Some are great stories, some are sad.

In a day, I range from I know this isn't it, I'm horrified (it's almost a tough mechanism you develop when you have seen X amount of negative pregnancy tests, guard the hope), but then I'll range to pure excitement, 2 perfect embryos, just 6 more days till I know!  I must be pregnant I just must.  But then, the clinic is only 50%...my brain is a yo yo and my heart is on a roller coaster.  Nobody in the world can make Wednesday come quicker.  I must pay the full 24 hour a day time.

Then I start thinking about Wednesday.  Do I dare take a hpt in the morning to help me "prepare" for come what may?  If it's positive, I'll lose my breath, if it's negative my heart will sink.  I'm really afraid for the pain I know it will bring.  Don't get me wrong, I won't dwell on it.  I'll think about the frozen embryos, the more tries ahead in the near future.  I'll think about all these amazing women that go through this more than once.  But the joy?  Out of this world.  I want it so bad.  I get stuck on that too.  Buying a crib, telling our families!! So crazy how some news can bring such intensely different feelings based on the outcomes. 

The sun rises and the sun sets.  Wednesday will come.  Oh God, grant me the peace I need to make it through.  Grant all of us the peace to wait. 

To my sweet babies:

  I already love you more than anyone can imagine loving little specks the size you are.  But right now, you are real lives.  You are inside me.  And if Jesus takes you sooner than I hope, I'm cherishing these 10 days of KNOWING you are with me, in my stomach and in my heart.  I love you both so much and I pray that sometime I can see you.  Hold you.  Touch you.  I want our house to be full of your laughter.  I want to know you both so bad.  I place you in His hands and say let his will be done.  But know how bad you are wanted. How hard  we are fighting for you.  I love you and I'm going to enjoy the next 6 days with you inside me.  Hang out.  Be strong!  You were the strongest.  Cling on, fight for us too!  We want to meet you so much sweet sweet children of mine.  Hang in there. 

Clinging to the Promise

November 5, 2012

Waiting (so difficult and feels so long).   Knocking down heaven's door. Asking that God breathes His breath of life into my womb.  Praying for grace and mercy and peace despite the outcome.  Here are some "gems" to put my focus on Him.

(Side note update, after all the hype, only 4 little embryos were frozen.  I'm okay with this.  They said they were all great quality but 13 would have been more exciting!)

Lyrics from Ginny Owen's "If You Want me To"

 

'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire if You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness if You want me to

 

 

IVF?? So not the way I would have chosen, but after all these trials, I will be closer to You.

 

 

Scriptures I cling to:

 

Psalm 127:3-5         

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Jesus, you say the fruit of the womb are a reward!  God, you say blessed is them an who fills his quiver with them.  Father, I ask, that you make my womb have fruit.  I ask that you choose to bless Darren and I this time, with children.

Genesis 1:28         
And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

Lord, you commanded us to be fruitful and multiply.  It was in your original plan.  You love to create and you made us in your image!  Jesus, allow us to "create" a child in our image as well.  Please allow us to experience fruitful and multiply

Psalm 113:9 He settles the barren woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD.

Father, you PROMISE to settle the barren women.  You cannot lie because you are good and holy.  I pray that this cycle, you fulfill this promise in our lives.  Make me a happy mother of children.  If you want us to pursue adoption, I pray you open our hearts to that.  But Lord, please answer soon.

Genesis 30:22
Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and opened her womb.

1 Samuel 1:19
Then they rose early in the morning and worshiped before the LORD, and returned and came to their house at Ramah. And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife, and the Lord remembered her.

 

Jesus, remember me!  Oh God, hear me!  Father I knock and knock and you say in your word you have GOOD things for those that love you.  Jesus, open my womb.

Neh 4:9
But we prayed to our God and posted a guard day and night to meet this threat.

I love this!  I was torn for a bit if doing IVF was a sign of "not trusting God" if I went forward with the agressive treatment but then I read this verse.  These people in the old Testament knew they were going to be under attack so they prayed (faith) AND posted a guard (taking action).

 

 

My prayer:

Dear Lord,

First off, I thank you for my beautiful life.  For the hope we have in you.  For your hand on my life and the blessings you have given us.  I thank you for my wonderful husband, for a warm house, for great jobs.  I thank you for a family that loves us so much.  I thank you for health and Jesus.  I thank you for my friends.  I thank you for science.

Jesus, you know my heart.  You know the exact number of tears I’ve cried.  God, just as Hannah, Rachael, and Sara cried out to you over and over again for a child, I cry out to you tonight.  God, in your word, before each women became pregnant, you said “and then God remembered her.” 

Heavenly father, in your holy name, I ask that today you remember me.  Lord, I know that you never promised it to be an easy road, you simply said you would be with us.  God, you have felt so distant these last two years because it has been closed door after closed door.  Broken dream and broken dream.  But Lord, we trust you.  We realize that you are the author and finisher of life.  That you choose when people take their first breath, and when they take their last. 

I realize that no matter how scary this is, no matter the success or failure rate, no matter how many eggs are retrieved and how many embryos are made, at the end of it all, it’s in Your hands.  I want your will in my life and I ask that this be the timing our wills collide. I feel like you have led us here.  In your mercy, in your grace, please Father, grant this request.

In your word you say that children are a blessing.  You wired us to want to create life as we are made in your image and you are the Creator.  Father, we are asking something that is holy and right.  Jesus, I cry out, that you hear me, and remember me.

I am so afraid.  I pray that I feel your peace deep in my heart and soul.  I pray I feel your presence at a level I didn’t know I could.  I pray for no fear tomorrow as I walk into surgery.  I pray for supernatural hope as they transfer the eggs.  I pray that your hand will be on the doctor’s hands and she pulls out eggs.  I pray that your hand will be on the embryologists hand as he injects the sperm into the eggs.  I pray that you are there.

And Father, as much as it hurts, I pray that if this isn’t your will, you will be there when I get the call.  You will hold me.  You will comfort me.  I pray that I won’t allow bitterness and hate and resentment to creep in but at the end of it all, come what may, I can raise my hands and say blessed be your name.

I thank  you for this opportunity.  That we have eggs, we have a chance . I thank you that you heal.  I thank you that you still do miracles.  I pray in Jesus name that you fill us with peace, and hope for the future.  I pray for all my infertile friends going through this valley.  Be with us now.

 

 

 



Kinda Sorta Maybe Pregnant

November 4, 2012

I got the phone call this morning that today was transfer today.  The RE on call told me that there are 2 perfect embryos and a lot more good ones to freeze (she referred to it as a "family").  She was so nice (I hadn't met her yet, OHSU has a team of 4 REs that rotate).  She told me to fill my bladder an hour before so at 9:30 I drank 2 bottled waters for the 10:30 appt.

They were behind so by the time they got me back there (like 11:05) I was dying!  But, I didn't want to risk going "a little" in case I couldn't stop.  The RE talked to me about the risk of OHSS still attacking if I get pregnant, specially with twins.  She asked if I would want to just transfer one (no way) because I still have a high chance.  She said she would check the fluid in my ovaries before making a final decision. Then the embryologist came in and chatted with us but didn't give us a total number because they are waiting to see if some hit blastocyst tomorrow. 

The doctor came back in and did a real ultrasound (on the outside of my stomach). She confirmed bladder was super full (duh) and that there was a little fluid around the ovaries.  She said she felt comfortable with 2 embryos if that's what I wanted. 

The speculum is bigger and wider for transfers, but this was the "moment" all of this has been leading up to.  On the screen we watched as the 2 babies were transferred into my uterus.  She said she thinks they are placed in a great spot.

 

Here is an embryo in the eye of a needle:

Everyone has a different opinion of when life begins.  As a teenager I firmly believed that life begins the SECOND the egg hits the sperm.  I was and am ProLife.  But as a younger woman, I didn't really think about my "opinion" on all this in regards to IVF.  Like I said, please don't be offended if I don't think the exact way you do, but here's where Darren and I stand:

1.  God alone is the author of life and death.  He decides which embryos lives on and doesn't.

2.  We believe that it is a life when the sperm meets the egg INSIDE the body.  The embryo cannot live without my uterus.  We had to think this one through because the concept of "frozen embryos" gets a little intense if I look at them as frozen souls.  I know look at them as "cookie dough" that needs my "oven" to become a cookie.

3.  With all this said, right now, this moment, with 2 little embryos FORSURE inside my body, I'm pregnant.  I've prayed the whole time God guides the right sperm and grows the right embryos and selects the ones He wants right now to be put in me.  If I don't get a positive pregnancy test, I know the REs don't acknowledge it as a miscarriage, but we will.  I believe those little babies will be in heaven waiting for us if they don't make it through.

So, with all this, I guess I'm officially kind of sort of maybe pregnant. 

 

I was so disapointed they don't give you pictures of the embryos, they are so cool!  They did give me this picture though (the screen I watched).  Where the heart is is the fluid with the embryos being placed inside so kind of babie's first picture :)

Again, prayers are sooooo soooo soo appreciated!  I want to knock down heaven's door with prayers.  If the answer from Him is still "no" I'll be sad, but I will still follow Him and love Him. 

New Mantra: Be the Bloat

November 3, 2012

Got a call from the nurse yesterday (day 3) saying that ALL TWENTY are still in the running and that they want to push them all to blastocyst (day 5 or 6).  This is great and scary.  Great because they can identify the "better" embryos at this level and great because my clinic doesn't freeze unless they hit blastocyst.  Scary part is many don't make it that far (I read 40%) but the risk of none is a possibility.  As I said from the beginning is my prayer is ONE (or happily two) healthy babies with frozen "siblings" so I NEVER have to go through all the stims and egg retrieval again.  I'm really hoping tomorrow is delivery day (day 5).  They will call me in the morning.


On a positive note, I feel good today and today is day 6 after the HCG trigger shot.  My RE told me that the severe OHSS usually kicks in 4-6 days after the shot.  The nurse told me that she thinks I'm "out of the woods" but it's no guaranteed.  However, my fears of looking 4 months pregnant and getting liquid drained and throwing up and freezing all embryos is quickly fading.

BUT, this doesn't mean I don't experience mild-moderate symptoms of OHSS.  Most patients get some form of it and when you have E2 levels the way I do and the amount of follicles I had removed (24), I was prepared for symptoms.  I mean my ovaries and freakishly large right now and I have been putting all kinds of crazy medicine into by body since beginning of October.

The worst has been this crazy bloat.  I'm not complaining.  I'm thankful that I most likely have been miraculously protected from real OHSS, but I'm talking about reality here.  The bloat hit bad about day 3.  It felt like a miniature hard ball was in the pit of my stomach.  There were hours where I couldn't stand up straight.  I had to sleep with a heating pad to ease it all.  Not not mention, NOBODY warns you about the insane constipation that follows.  I'm sorry, its TMI, but you need to know!  :)  I go to the bathroom a ton and it's never been an issue.  Ever.  But between the yucky self-injected enema to the surgery to the pain meds, that has played a HUGE role in me not going #2, like at all!!  The first two days I was fine but by yesterday I was getting nervous.  Not to mention that the "bloat" was getting more and more painful.  Finally my sister gave me some left over stool softeners, I drank a tall ice coffee this morning, and I prayed like crazy (yes, God cares about EVERYTHING), I finally went.  Thank goodness!

A friend that has gone through a couple IVF treatments warned me and said "out of everything, the bloating was the worst for me." She even bought larger clothes and borrowed maternity pants!  I (like the other side effects) thought all the stims would make me bloated but didn't learn till recently it happens after egg retrieval.  I emailed her 2 days ago to ask how long it lasted and she said that during that time her new mantra was "Be the Bloat."  Ha ha ha.  I love it.

So, as I wait for my little babies to divide cells, as I pray that angels guard them and that God Himself hand selects the 2 embryos He wants in my body in this time, I embrace my new situation because it leads to dreams coming true and I "Be the Bloat."

The Holy (Bad Word) Shot

November 1, 2012

Today was the day we started the dreaded progesterone in oil shots.  During egg retrieval, the nurse drew 2 big "landing pads" for us with a sharpie.

Today, I googled several "ideas" and "techniques."  I basically found that putting ice on butt 60 seconds before numbs up area (some people said this is bad as it messes with the oil), to heat oil to room temp (I just wrapped it in heating pad for a bit), to dart in and release medicine slowly.  I was nervous but had a "let's do this" attitude as this symbolizes the more downhill part of the journey.  Not to mention, in my opinion this is one of the most important shots as it helps keep my uterus lining thick and welcoming for the little embryos that will be joining. I choose the fattest part in the landing zone and was able to stick the needle in myself.  It took awhile but Darren was freaking me out because he was nervous because he "hadn't practiced." It was painless!  I almost was scared I did it wrong?  Darren did the "check for blood" pull up check and then slowly put the oil in.  DONE!

Here's a pic of my pinkie with the needle.  It's about 1.5 inches.

Unless I get OHSS (which I know is HORRIBLE), I'm starting to realize so much of the "horror" of IVF is the dread and unknown and emotions involved.  Sure, the injections are annoying, but they weren't the end of the world.  I was terrified of the egg retrieval and once it started, I relaxed.  Emotions are tricky because we put our body through poison and hell and torture all for the love of a baby that's not promised at the end.  The recovery from egg retrieval has been bumpy, but I can handle stomach ache and mild bloating...the constipation is getting old (and creepy) but it's not forever.

So far the worst part of all of this has been fearing/dreading next step and the "waiting" to see if I get OHSS.  The Dr. said if I get it, it will most likely hit 6 days after trigger shot which would be Saturday!

I made it to work today and just sat at a table and explained to the students I wasn't feeling well, that I had had "stomach" surgery and that I was just going to teach sitting down.  I jokingly asked if anyone would be willing to carry me to my computer and a student said "I volunteer as tribute."  Lol.  I love teenagers!

Out of all the links/videos, I found this one most useful for "how to" with the progesterone in oil shot:

http://www.freedommedteach.com/player/patientvideo.aspx?codes=FOL-GAN-NOV-PRO