Love/Hate Relationship With Hope

November 29, 2012

Yesterday I went back to Kaiser EXACTLY 48 hours after my BETA on Monday at 881.  I was praying that

A.  If it's not in God's will that this ride ends and my numbers drop so I can mourn and move on.
B.  A miracle and numbers double.

I cannot begin to explain the anxiety I've had since the day the little babies were put in me.  First, when should I do a HPT?  Second, what is my blood level?  Third, did my HCG blood level double??

When it didn't, that when the craziness began.  It went from 100 to 104 (48 hours) to 134 (72 hours).  As mentioned, I cried and said "goodbye" and even told the secretaries at my work that I was having an early miscarriage.

But then I get the news to wait a full week.  I spotted once and the RE said to stop the PIO shots.  I didn't just in case.  Monday my numbers were 881.  Yesterday they had gone up to 2020!!!  More than doubled!!  I was so sick waiting on the phone with Kaiser to hear my results (I was on hold for 20 minutes).  My heart beat fast, I had the worst headache ever. 

When I finally heard the results I temporally was released from the level of stress.  My own OBGYN (who is now monitoring me) said "this looks great!"  the RE said "still low but lets do an ultrasound in another week".  I go in Tuesday.

I realize how much I love and hate hope at the same time.  I love it because it means there is a chance.  It means miracles can still occur.  It means I might go on to have a healthy pregnancy. 

But I hate it too.  The minute I think "I might go on to have a healthy pregnancy" I realize, the hope is making me more vulnerable.  That if this fails, because I've started to allow hope in, it will hurt worse than before.

The Bible says HOPE does not disappoint us.  I know HE will give me strength no matter what, but He has also brought me this far and been responding to prayers.  I'm guarded, but I so so so HOPE that I see that little beat next week.

Thank you for the prayers.  I would love to personally experience this miracle!


  1. Shut up, what awesome news!!!!! Your babies are fighting girl :) Maybe the Lord just wants to show you what miracles are really made of ;) (and stress you out in the process, ha) I know exactly what you are saying about hope, my goodness what a true statement! I canNOT wait for your ultrasound :) I will continue to pray!!! xoxo

  2. soooooooooo by the time you find out you ARE pregnant, you'll be six weeks along already. haha!

  3. Oh..WOW!!!! keep us updated!! WOOOHOOOO!!

  4. great news!! sounds like it could be 2 embies to 1 type deal which obviously is not preferred but better than the alternative! i really hope those babies/ baby hangs on for you! good luck!

  5. Holly... I can't imagine. I've had miscarriages, I've had hope that has crashed... but I cannot imagine this scary line between the both. I'm praying for you every day and that God gives you a miracle... is it wrong of me to say it looks like He is giving you a miracle?! I know it's scary to be vulnerable to this hope... but you have God on your side and mother's intuition already. You knew not to give up on the PIO shots, even in severe distress. Keep breathing my love. I'll be holding my breath for you until your next ultrasound. With so much love for you and the little one(s)!!! PTL for hope!

  6. Holly this is amazing news. I am so proud that you stood by your babies even when there was no hope. I will continue to pray that these/this baby keeps fighting strong like his/her mommy!

  7. So glad that your beta is rising! I will be sending tons of prayers for you this week.



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