Hope is an amazing thing. Despite the buckets of failure that have poured down so hard on our trying to conceive fire, it can not be fully distinguished. Yes, there are moments that the glow is hardly visible and then there are moments where the flames are huge. As time tics away the glimmer starts to dimmer as callous grow in to protect the heart.
I posted an article last week that warned against losing hope in the infertility journey. The writer acknowledged that it is natural tendency to guard ourselves (which is good to some degree too) but to be weary of not allowing hope at all.
After our miscarriage IVF, I put so much hope into my frozen embryos. Every time I drove by the hospital I couldn't help but think of my loves in their freezer on teh 10th floor.
When those didn't stick in our FET, hope hit an all time low. Even the little excitement/hope I put in those frozen embryos made the loss that much of a kick-to-stomach and disappointment.
The author encourages the readers to hope. No matter what. To not put it out or try to guard it. To hope 100%. He goes on to say then to be sad 100%. Do both. Over and over and over.
I have been really nervous the last few days as Darren and I are going back to mating 101 this month (minus me taking femera to ovulate) and day 16, 17, 18, 19 came and went with no :) on the clear blue opk. I freaked out that I can't even respond to high doses of ovulation inducing medicine, then it's over if IVF fails. I made the mistake of letting my mind go to worse casenario and called my doctor to prescribe me period-inducing meds to restart the cycle.This morning, looking happier than ever, Mr. Smile Face visited my clear blue digital. Maybe it's partly because it's a positive SOMETHING after negative pregnancy tests and 10 days of negative
ovulation detections, but along with the cute smile face came an unexpected emotion. Hope for this cycle. Hope for our future IVF. Hope for my baby.
I know I'm nuts. Darren has low morphology and low count. We've done this song and dance before. But miracles happen. Just the fact that we can "try" while waiting for IVF makes it a bit better. I'm fully prepared that realistically I will do IVF #2 this summer, but that small glimmer re-appeared. Who knew such a little tiny smiley face could re-light the fire of hope.
Jesus asks us to hope and says that hope does not disappoint us. I will keeping hoping until I hold our child in my arms.
