In Loving Memory of Brinly and Jude

March 16, 2015

This month I have gotten a few "reminders" of Jude and Brinly-two "Happy 1 year old Birthday" cards from their old registries included in that.  Yesterday would have been their twin due date.

When I lost them I joined this great group on facebook for women who have lost all their multiples.  In my deepest grief there was this small pool of strangers who 100% got it.  The horror and pain of losing 1.2.3.4 babies during the same pregnancy.  Many women had lost their twins+ years ago and were still so so sad.  One person asked "Will I ever be happy again?  If I go on to have more kids, will it help heal the loss?"  Many people replied.  Some said no, they were still sad daily even with their kids.  One women wrote that after she had her rainbow son that there was so much love in her heart for him that there was no room for sadness for the twins she had lost.  She explained that it was sad, and always would be, but that she was moving forward and putting all that love into her live son.  I remembered that I wanted to choose that option.  I personally don't want to go through each year saying "She would have been 2"  "She would have started Kindergarden" "He would have been playing this with his cousin" etc.  Because the reality of it is, no they would not have.  They died, there is no "would have been."

We have decided that each year, on March 15 we will do something kind in their honor and make it some kind of a special family holiday.  Maybe when the boys are older we will take them to the falls where we spread Jude's ashes.  If I am being perfectly honest, now that I have Noah and Beckom the pain is more like a distant painful memory in comparison to the overwhelming can't-breathe type of pain I was experiencing last year.  The whole thing is bittersweet-If we had Jude and Brinly we would not have transferred 2 more embryos at once meaning we would never have had Noah and Beckom.  All this to say that I find that I have fallen into the category that I had hoped to.  So full of love for Noah and Beckom that I am not daily sobbing about the loss of Jude and Brinly.  I will forever have a sad spot in my heart but I am also so grateful to get to raise their little siblings.

For those that are new to the story, here is a very sad video of our pregnancy and then loss of Jude and Brinly I made days after they died.  I won't forget them and I won't stop honoring them by doing kind things in their honor on this day.  <3

The Rest of the Frozen Embryos?

March 3, 2015

About two years into our infertility we did our first IVF which resulted in 6 "5 day" Blastocysts.  We transferred two and told since I was young and since these were such high quality-the odds of pregnancy were very high.  One embryo implanted but resulted in an almost immediate miscarriage (a blighted ovum) that eventually was removed via D&C.

We waited the three month minimum and went back for our first even frozen embryo transfer.  My lining was perfect, they de-frosted magnificently, and I was SURE at least one would stick.  My HCG at the beta blood test wasn't even one. 

Although we had two more frozen embryos from this cycle left, we were beginning to wonder if we had a "bad batch."  We had already paid a package for another fresh cycle, so we decided to move forward with that.  For those that have followed on long for awhile, this 2nd IVF result in 7 "5 day" Blastocysts and 2 "borderline" blasts they froze on day 6.  With four failures behind me in embryo world I boldly (and desperately) said:  Transfer 3.

All 3 stuck.  I saw it.  Three heartbeats.  I saw them at 6.5 weeks, 7.5 weeks, and at 8 weeks.  We were scared and thrilled all at once.  I began to get excited.  I had never seen heartbeats in my body and three???  I felt as if it was a miracle.  I loved them.  I like a good challenge and I was confident Team D and H could handle and succeed at raising triplets.  Long story short, I randomly miscarried one at 9 weeks exactly, went on with a healthy twin pregnancy of a boy and girl until my water randomly broke at 17 weeks-a rare and random condition call pPROM that impacts like .07% of the population.  I delivered my daughter Brinly at 18 weeks and my son Jude at 21 weeks.  Although 3 embryos took, I lost them all. 

In-between failed transfers and my triplet pregnancy, I would make sure to yell out "Hi babies, I love you!" Every time we drove by OHSU (where our frozen embryos are stored).  I partly yelled this because I did/do love them, and partly to annoy my husband. 

After losing my triplets, we had 8 frozen embryos left-2 from that first cycle were the previous ones didn't take, and 6 from the Jude and Brinly's cycle.  When our amazing friend Becky stepped forward to carry our embryos for us, we transferred 2 from the 2nd cycle and both took.  Noah and Beckom Benson were almost born to the date a year after I delivered their older brother Jude.

So, as a recap 4 embryos resulted in nothing but 1 very early miscarriage.
5 resulted in a pregnancy-w a 9 week miscarriage that may have related to triplets, so technically 4 pregnancies-I didn't lose Jude and Brinly due to bad embryo quality-it was due to lame cervix.

We are 4 for 9, under 50%

We have six left on ice (which are in theory our lowest quality ones but still with high grades).  We want to give them a chance but since I can never risk carrying twins again, the idea of transferring one. at. a. time. seems so overwhelmingly hard.  I can't do it emotionally.  I'm horrified of pregnancy and miscarriage.

We have decided to pay to have the embryos genetically tested and it will take place this month.

It's fascinating really.  They defrost all 6, and remove 1 cell and then refreeze them.  They send the 1 cell off to a genetic testing company where there they can determine some diseases, gender, and most importantly, if the embryo has the right amount of cells to become a successful pregnancy.  Although we have 6 great-rated blastocysts, it doesn't mean they would all implant.  If they are missing chromosomes, I would have another failed cycle or early miscarriage.

Obviously we are in no rush.  We are in love with our sons.  I guess my mind has been so infertility obsessed for these past 4 years, I want to know what we are dealing with.  I need to know.  I don't want to spend years wondering if any are normal.  If none are normal-we have our answer.  We can have closure and not a big "what if some day" hanging over our heads.

If a couple are normal than there are some frozen transfers in our future.  Even if there are some normal ones, they are not "guaranteed" success.  They are given 80% success rate in a fresh cycle-mine will have been frozen, de-frosted and biopsied, refroze, and then unfroze again-not exactly what happens in normal pregnancy.

We get the results by the end of the month.

I'll Be the One if You Want Me To.

October 10, 2014

I've mentioned it before but since the loss of Jude and Brinly, it's hard to trust Him again.  Going to church is like going to the gym.  I know I should, I know it's healthy, and I know that discipline pays off, but it's hard to get there, its hard to stay there, and I'm still a bit indifferent. 

Recognizing the need to force myself to do something I know is right, I joined a Bible study on the book of Jonah (for those non-Christian's long story short it's about a guy who ran in the opposite direction God had asked him to go so he got swallowed by a big fish.  This made Jonah rethink his initial choice and in the end, he goes to Ninevah, obeying what God originally asked him to do).  I am not going to lie, it's hard for me to go for many reasons.  They call painful things "divine interuptions" and ask really tough questions that always lead me back to thinking about Jude and Brinly.  It hasn't been a whole year since there loss yet so it still is so overwhelming at times.  I'm in a room full of strangers (minus one of my best friends I drag along) so I haven't mentioned anything about our infertility struggle/loss yet.

On the first night we had to go around the room and say our name and if we had kids (cute ice breaker right?).  I was stressed to the max about how to respond:  2 but they died a birth.  I had stillborn twins last year.  None.  No living children.  My mind swirled and it finally got to me. "No children yet."  I always instantly feel like I betrayed Jude and Brinly someway in these situations but for the love of all things social I don't want to dump this on this proper group of women.

At our first meeting one of the discussion questions was along the lines of "when do you see a divine interruption as something horrible or can't see God's purpose?"  The room was quiet but then someone said "when a child dies."  I was listening.  Another mom, with twin 21 year old boys piped in, "We lost our first son as a baby."  My eyes stayed glued to her.  I needed her all the sudden.  Someone that knew my pain to some level.  Someone that would maybe take me to coffee and listen to my story and share her own.  Someone who would/could acknowledge that she truly understood what I went through opposed to be those that "can't even begin to imagine."  I wanted to grab her email but I didn't get a chance.

This Wednesday her and I showed up late, but at the same time.  I thought timing was perfect.  We were walking in together so I began the conversation:

Me: "Are you the one with twin boys?
Her: "Yes!"
Me: "We lost twins last year.  A son and a daughter.  They were stillborns."
Her: "Oh, I am so sorry, losing a baby is the worst.  I lost a baby too."
Me: "I know!  I heard you mention that last week and I wanted to talk to you and get your email, it was such a horrible experience, I was 21 weeks along...
Her: "Did we pass the house? Oh hi (to her friend pulling up).
Me: "Oh, um, here is the address, here is the house."

The end

Maybe she thought I was going to be really needy (I'm not).  Maybe it's still to hard for her to talk about (doubt it).  Maybe she didn't want to connect/share with a stranger (understandable I guess).  I wasn't hurt but more shocked.  As we discussed Jonah I just sat there thinking about what just happened.  She lost a baby.  She should know how it feels to be treated differently or awkwardly.  In those moments I felt over empowered to BE someone who will listen, talk, hug, comfort, share and validate.  I needed that woman.  She owes me nothing and doesn't even know me, but I needed her. 

When Darren's uncle lost his wife at a young age, he suddenly became the one people would go to if they lost their spouse.  The comforter of the widowers.  Someone who tasted hell, lived a nightmare, and came out alive.  When it comes to baby loss, Darren and I are professionals.  An early miscarriage at 6 week with no heartbeat, miscarriage at 9 weeks after seeing a heart beat twice, and delivering my stillborn twins 3 weeks apart, 1-at-a-time.  I get what a failed IUI feels like.  I get what a failed IVF feels like.  So much hope mixed with doubt you feel sick before you even take the first injection.  Do you need someone to talk that has been though something similar to you?  I'll be the one if you want me to.

I promise I won't be awkward or change the subject.  I promise to look you in the eye and when things get horrific to hold eye contact.  I promise not to say stupid cliché phrases or "christianese" inspirational statements.  I will validate you for the mother you are.  I truly believe we all become mother's once the desire to grow a family conceives in our hearts.  To the mom who has been trying for years, pursuing adoption, going for another treatment, waiting, hoping, praying, you are not alone.  I see you.  I know those paths.  They suck they suck they suck.  They are unfair they are unfair they are unfair.  I think faith is extra hard in these losses-although more fragile and vulnerable, my faith remains in His goodness.  Please, email me, text me, reach out.  I'll be the one.

The Bible talks about sorrow lasting in the night and joy coming in the morning.  The hardest part about that is it never says how long the night actually is and how dark it will actually become.  We have had a very long night and, as mentioned previously, I plan to blog about the morning soon as little sun rays have began to pop over the mountain top giving us hope to believe that  morning isn't that far away.  The morning helps heal the darkness because the sun is more powerful. 

For you women who have been in the night for a long time, or are just entering those nasty nasty dark nights that seem the world will stop spinning forever, I know your sorrow.  I love you already.  I am full of compassion for you and I am so sorry.

How Do You Pray?

November 7, 2013  19 weeks, 4 days

Last night we had a scary extra bleeding episode at the hospital.  The blood looked the same but it wouldn't stop for the first time.  By the time I laid down, my legs were shaking.  I know medically speaking we are in the best place we can be for our position.  Losing Brinly gives Jude a better chance at life, and praise God we did not have to make the decision of ending Brinly's life-He did it shortly after we declined.  I hate that we lost her but the doctors think that since the sac had burst, it was Jude's best bet.

The confusing thing for most of my friends/family/followers is Jude.  People are constantly asking "How is Jude?"

The funny thing is, Jude is perfect.  He has his own nice full water sac.  His heart rate is dead on.  In the hospital they did a couple ultrasounds where we saw him stretch, yawn, and put his hands in his mouth.  I felt him kick for sure for the first time and Darren was able to feel his son kick for the first time.  I cried.  Every time I hear his heartbeat (every day for the last 12 days) or see him twist and twirl on the ultrasound the risk of loving him increases.  There is no concern that something will go wrong....with him.  Allow me to explain.

The reason why there is such a risk to him is because my body is completely whacked out.  I had water break and went into labor.  I had an umbilical cord and a foot hanging out of my cervix which puts me and him at high risk for infection (which is why today was the 13th day of antibiotics).  There is a ton of debrie sewn up in my uterus: Brinly's placenta and left over sac, part of her cord, the first triplet we lost.  There is an uncontrollable chance that I could go into preterm labor again.  That's what people should be asking.  Signs of infection?  Are you in labor? (Okay, I guess those are awkward questions) but my concern and deepest fears are not in "is Jude okay?" Because he is and chances at this stage in the game of him having issues are very low and honestly not on my mind.  Brinly was good too until the water broke. 

I struggle falling asleep at night because my mind runs.  Flashbacks of the cord hanging out.  Flashbacks of hearing "I don't see a heartbeat."  Last night I had a vision of freshly caught fish that was on the shore, flipping around gasping for air.  I felt like that fish.

All my life I have served God.  I have been 100% faithful in following the Bible, loving others more than myself, following the rules and trying to treat people the way He would.  I fully believe in miracles.  There are several examples in the Bible where God simply had to speak the miracle and it was.  The blind were healed, the deaf could hear.  Jesus rose from the dead.

And here I am, a desperate fish gasping for a breath, struggling, suffereing, in a world of pain.  "God! Lord? WHERE ARE YOU?"  With one simple word He can throw me back in the water and save me.  But He is not, at least at this point.  I am not angry, but feel so forsaken, so abandoned.  I know He never leaves me and I accept that His ways are higher, but here I am, hour by hour flopping around desperate for Him to save me.  I told Darren that I no longer have the strength to pray.  Not out of anger, but out of speechlessness.  Over the last 3 years in our battle I have BEGGED God:

1.  to help me get pregnant
2.  to let IUI #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,8 to work
3. to let IVF #1 to work
4. to do a miracle in our first pregnancy and help my baby beat the odds
5. to let the frozen transfer to work
6. to give me healthy Triplets (yes, once I put in the 3 on IVF #3, I WANTED them all)
7. to protect to my twins
8. to save Brinly and fill her water sac
9. to not let me go into labor with Brinly (after her heart stopped) but that she would remain in my body till the end of term

Every answer: No.

I told Darren I just don't have the words.  The "let" and "help" have echoed into an empty cave. 

This is not to say He hasn't given me strength to face things I never could imagine.  This is not to say He hasn't given me an incredible passion for women who struggle with infertility.  This is not to say that I love my husband more than I ever imagined.  This is not say that I will have a crazy fierce love for the baby I hold someday (unlike those women I HATE dislike envy-to-death who practically just look at a pregnancy test and poof). 

Caroline, a sweet blog follower sent me a book today called "I Will Carry You."  I've only read the beginning.  The woman had three girls before she had to go  through the loss of her 4th (to be honest, it's hard for me not to judge "but she already has kids, it's easier", I know that's not fair).  BUT, I have already learned something.

The author points out that in several miracles in the Bible people did not say "Raise him from the dead" (Lazarus), or when Jesus turned the water to wine at the wedding, Mary did not say "Can you make some more wine" or "Can you LET there be more wine."  She simply stated the problem to Jesus "There is no more wine." And stepped back to see what He would do about the problem. 

I like this.  Although it's so easy (and not wrong by any means, bringing our requests to Him), but for me, where I am now, rock bottom, speechless before my king, I'm simply going to state the problem:

Lord Jesus, I love Jude so much.  He is at great risk.  We could get an infection.  My body is haywire.  I could go into preterm labor.  I'm bleeding a lot.  I am really really scared.

And release it to Him.  I'm going to step back and see what He does. 

Goodnight My Angel: Video Tribute to Jaden

December 8, 2012

We decided that  a D&C is the best choice for us.  They get me in Monday. Since I have an end date, I decided that it was time to reflect, grieve, and say goodbye.  This video is 7 minutes.  It's happy and sad.

You will get to see my husband's reaction at 4:00 am when I got my first pregnancy test ever :)

I decided to name the baby Jaden (which means God has heard).  It works for a boy or girl, and I will know who to look for in heaven.  Jaden Benson. 

Thanks again for all the prayers and support.  The anger stage is passing and I'm praying for hope for frozen siblings.

You Tube Link for video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9w1YHqCXD8&feature=youtube_gdata