In situations like what Darren and I have just gone through, there truly are "no words" as many people have written. NOTHING can bring J and B back. NOTHING can explain WHY? However, certain responses have brought comfort-women that have been through similar losses and promise the pain gets easier. Nurses who cried while I cried at the hospital. There is a principal at my school who simply just gives me a little hug every time she sees me-she doesn't "bring up the topic" but she is showing that she knows I'm still hurting. So kind.
I guess I thought I would write this post to give people ideas of how to reach out to people in tragic situations. Of course we are all different, but here are some ideas of how to show you care in a personalized way if someone close to you faces similar circumstances. In regards to losing a child/children our greatest fears are that the babies will be forgotten. The majority of us WANT to talk about our babies instead of brush it under the rug like nothing happened. Here is a list of amazing/creative gifts given to Darren and I in love that are outside the box and so kind, again, the idea is to help you maybe reach out to a sister suffering a miscarriage or a friend going through a bad 20 week ultrasound, etc.:
1. The necklace I wear every single day. It's from Etsy but appeared on my door step with the letters of each child's name that I lost. Who ever gave it to me didn't put their name on it which made it feel that much more powerful and loving. J, B, J, I. This was so amazing as it showed this person really values all my losses.2. A charm for a necklace I also got in the mail. It has Jude and Brinley's name on the front and "too beautiful for earth" on the inside. It is beautiful. Also a random act of kindness from a stranger.
3. My mom bought me a ring that says "too beautiful for earth JB" for Christmas. I love this as I can wear it everyday. My favorite part of this is mom got herself a ring too that says "I carry your hearts in my heart" My mom also got special Christmas ornaments to put on the tree each year to remember the twins. She gets it.
4. Stephanie @ http://wannabe-mama.blogspot.com is a co-worker (due in just a couple weeks) and for Christmas she got me this awesome present from a company called "A Heart to Hold." It's incredibly intimate, and can be found at http://ahearttohold.com/. This company makes a stuffed heart that weighs the exact amount of the baby at birth. Stephanie got me 2 hearts. 1 for brinly at 13 oz and 1 for Jude at 1 pound 3 ounces. It was so amazing to hold those (and emotional). I put them in the memory box to hopefully tell my rainbow babies someday about their older siblings. Beautiful.5. Stephanie and follower blogger Meg @ http://www.skinnymeg.com set up a 2 week fundraiser to help with hospital bills. They shared the link and raised over $2000 towards our $3000 bill. It was so humbling and touching. Paying a huge hospital bill to leave the labor and delivery ward empty handed and broken hearted is one of life's cruelest things.
6. Fellow Blogger Lost Stork @ http://whereisthatbird.blogspot.com recently purchased me a massage. So thoughtful. She also made a very kind image and put it on her blog in memory of J and B. We have never met in person. She became pregnant with twins while I was losing Jude and has been so understanding, sensitive, and supportive.
7. My mother/father in law took care of the funeral costs/cremation and picked up Jude's ashes for me and are storing them till I am ready to move forward with spreading them. I love this too because it's not like we don't have $200 to pay for this, BUT, this is one of the saddest things to EVER swipe your own debit card for. If you have someone who has lost, helping with the funeral is so thoughtful to take off that burden. It is the most nauseating action to ever have to complete seeing your child's name on a death certificate in an ugly funeral home and signing off permission forms.
8. This Picture. A woman who lost her own child at 39 weeks makes these for mommy's who lost their babies too soon. She doesn't even know us but sent it to a mutual friend who sent us the pictures. I LOVE them. I just developed a couple for me and my family.These are just the beginning of kind things. Willow tree angels (I have 1 for each loss), journals, cards, meals, books, etc are all virtual hugs. I got tons of cards from blog followers that would say something as simple as "this is from a random person from a random place who prays for you daily." One of my old students hand-made me a baby blanket for the future she is so eagerly looking forward to. The comments on this blog and the many prayers have also been so touching and a reminder that we are not alone. Thank you.
Darren and I are moving forward and trying to grasp the hope that is left that we will someday bring home a live baby from the labor and delivery ward. I love the Bible verse that says "We are pressed down but not destroyed." That sums up where we are at. I have never been so "pressed down" in my life, but I am alive, therefore not destroyed.
*I have to add something so sad it's actually funny. Yesterday at my massage the woman asked about my thyroid meds. I told her my thyroid was normal but since we are trying to conceive I have to make sure its just a bit lower. She looked at me with a huge smile and said "So you are actively trying to get pregnant??" (in a super happy tone). I smiled and say yes. "Fun!!!!!"She replied in an even happier tone. Oh man. I had to laugh about it afterwards. I spared her the details and said "yep!" ha ha.
