The 3 Hour Moment

August 26, 2013

Moments.  I cannot grasp the concept that sometimes (during really fun stuff like our cruise) a moment lasts a split second. Then, there are moments that seem to drag on for at least 3 hours each.  I'm experiencing those.

So far things have been going smoothly, but I'm not out of the "safe zone yet."  I literally day dream about September 16 if/when I hit that 12 week number to be able to be happy, excited, and announce my news to the world that perhaps this dream is coming to reality.  I know I know, nothing is guaranteed, not even after the babies are born, but 12 weeks is such a beautiful milestone.

I am a worrier and anything can set me into panic mood.  Last week after CAREFUL examination of toilet paper I swear there were 2 or 3 pin drops of red blood.  I called asking for an ultrasound.  My doctor convinced me it was probably nothing to worry about but said I could have another if any more bleeding continued.  It didn't.  Not another sign of those horrid red dots. 

I've also had a perfect amount of morning sickness: not enough to make me puke but enough to let me know something is going down.  A few days it got bad so I took Zofran (this anti nausea pill that is safe).  I wasn't forewarned that Zofran basically is the complete opposite of exlax.  Do you catch my drift?  I haven't really gone to the bathroom in like SIX days.  This isn't a complaint, its a fear.  I've taken a ton of stuff and nothing.  I don't feel stomach pain but whatever.

So Friday I take Zofran and actually do stuff the whole day, get ready to host my SIL's baby shower, go grocery shopping, pick up the last (praise the Lord) of my PIO injections, clean, etc.  Saturday I don't take anything and feel 100% I run the shower no problem, clean the house, eat GASP donut holes...and what do I do?  Freak out.  Loss of symptoms!  Loss of symptoms!!  This could be bad! I've felt dead and tired and miserable the last 2 weeks and today I randomly feel perfect. 

I ask Darren to pray my morning sickness will come back. He stares at me in disbelief closes his eyes and asks the big man upstairs that tomorrow Holly will feel "better slash worse."  It was funny but I was serious.

Yesterday I did feel worse and I was happy although I decided NOT to take Zofran unless I'm desperate.  Dar and I stayed up late discussing an article we had read dissing some Christian leaders I like.  At midnight I went to the bathroom and of course couldn't go #2 GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.  But then I noticed PINK on the toilet paper.  Not a pin drop.  Pink spotting.  Again.  Three times.  I hate these moments.  My heart starts racing and I feel numb. 

It only happened then.  No more through the night no more this morning, but I've been on the phone demanding they hook me up.  I know I can't control it, but I want to know what's going on.  In my heart and after some googling I think the spotting could have been from all the pain of trying to go to the freaking bathroom (I read lots of women who had this) but then you find those articles saying "my miscarriage starting with pink..."I hate it.  I know I have to reach a point of I'm not in control at all, God is.  He will do what is best for all of us and He has a plan for each life inside but holy mother, enough scares!

Now as I wait for the call, and HOPEFULLY the ultrasound today, each moment feels like 3 hours.