While I'm Waiting

September 25, 2012

Got some really bad news recently from Darren's school bill that could change the course of IVF.   We should have answers from them soon. Back to the dreaded land of the waiting.

I feel like so much of this journey has been WAITING.  Waiting to see if I ovulate.  Waiting to see if my progesterone is normal.  The @$@#%@%@@ 2 Week wait.  And now the IVF timing wait. 

I have grown to hate the land of waiting because here the mind can take over.  Fears become nightmares.

My pastor once said "Worrying is planning negatively for the future."  It's true in theory, hard to actually put in practice.  Guess God wants to teach me how to control my thoughts (this could be useful during my eventual IVF 2ww).

I did buy birth control today.  It was so incredibly strange to hear the pharmacist say "use a backup plan for 7-12 days so you don't get pregnant."  WOW.  I have to go on BCP anyway before IVF so I might at well start it in case we decide to move forward this month. 

This song couldn't be any more applicable to me right now.  Here's the lyrics, youtube link is at bottom if you want to hear the song.

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I will move ahead bold and confident
I'll be taking every step in obedience, yeah

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint

And I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You Lord

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting

Bye Bye IUI/Hello In vi tro

September 23, 2012

Honestly, despite the low progesterone result, I was holding my breath.  Hoping.  I think hope is the only thing that can keep ya going in these situations.  Hope that this isn't forever.  Hope that God has a plan.  Hope that end of this crazy, insane, hard journey, my child will be there waiting.

It would be lying if I said I was surprised when the dreaded period showed up today, but I was also prepared.  Instead of the usual mourning I instantly thought "So God has it planned for us to do IVF."

So, Bye Bye IUI

Hello Invitro.

I was scared, but now I'm more excited.  I can suck up anything for a month.  I will start birth control in 3 days to help my ovaries take a break.  Though I'm sad I didn't conceive, I'm excited for the break.  Obviously I can't get pregnant on birth control, so for the first time in years I can have sex without thinking about infertility.   I can take a breath.  Relax.  And gear up for the injections, egg retrieval, and HOPEFULLY egg transfer. 

I can't believe that my chances of being pregnant are about to be FIFTY percent or higher.  I can't believe that by early November, I will know the results.  I can do anything for a month.  Fear has been replaced with anticipation.  Bring it on. 

Lord, give us the strength.  Remind me that you are with me and though I don't know why, this is the path you are leading Darren and I down.  I thank you for this beautiful science.  I thank you that we have jobs to help us pay for this.  I thank you that you are building our testimonies so someday we will truly be able to relate to other couples struggling.  By your grace and mercy, I ask that IVF works the first time.   I trust you, I praise you, I am letting go and trusting that what is best will work.  Prepare our hearts for this month and fill us with hope and joy.  Instead of crying, give us laughter.  When I give myself injections, remind me to praise you instead of complain.  When I am afraid, remind me to turn it to prayers.  Thank you for the plans you have for us.

Un-Beautiful Cervical Mucus

September 17, 2012

Since I have been ovulating since April and since I went the extra mile to take the HCG shot, I hardly forgot that I even had my 7dpo test done Saturday.  My progesterone levels since femera have ranged from 15-48; all great indicators I've ovulated.  I usually call in the next morning to get results because I'm so anxious, but this time, since it's worked for so long, I didn't even think about calling.  For once I didn't obsess or worry about it.  The only thing I thought was a little off was the nurse didn't mention anything about nice-looking cervical mucus this time, but she was super quiet in general.

I got an email today.  My level was a FIVE.  After frantically googling this, 5 is the lowest it can be to mean I did have ovulation, but it's by no means a good sign.  The nurses note read:

This does show ovulation, but fairly low level hormone produced. Dr
Foster should have also received this and should advise on what next.

I almost couldn't beleive it.  I felt like I ovulated.  My nipples are on FIRE like they are every other ovulatory cycle?  I did have lots of EWCM two days later and we "did it."  I'm hopefuly I just ovulated a bit later because there were THREE eggs on the ultrasound. 

But I'm super freaked out because the HCG shot didn't work.  It is supposed to force all the grown eggs out.  This EXACT shot it what they use for the last step in IVF.  Scary.

I'm a little confused with exactly what God wants from me.  We have had either bad timing, low sperm count, or no ovulation each IUI.  Is it a sign that he wants us to let it all go?  Only purse adoption?  Or is it a gentle reasuurance that IVF is the next step, and to move forward with confidence?

I had acupuncture today.  As I laid there and prayed, all I could hear was "Be still."  I know I did what I could do this cycle, the rest is in His hands and out of my control.  I feel a little numb about it all as I feel like our last hope in the IUI has just become a very very long shot.  But I know He is good and I trust that too.  I know He has already selected the "when" I just have to choose to trust that and move forward.

Dream a Little Dream For You...

September 15, 2012

Well, I'm onto the last half on the last two week wait for IUI's.  I actually felt like we timed it perfectly with the HCG shot and sperm count was strong, but nurse didn't mention anything about how good my cervical mucus looked this time.  Realistically I'm not holding my breath.  I have had 8 IUIs.  Although many have been doubled or done on months I didn't even ovulate, it's easier to expect my period in this case then to convince myself EVERYTHING is a sign and symptom.  Since get to go to IVF next, I'm at more peace with "whatever happens" than I usually am.

But here I am, sitting alone this Saturday afternoon, dreaming.  What if?

What if it worked?!?  What if I don't have to go to IVF?  How miraculous would that be?  I truly believe that even if we do have to do IVF, God will be with me each step and it was still be 100%miraculous.  But this month would be a surprise!

I constantly find myself daydreaming about how I would tell my husband.  How we would tell our family.  Would I be able to wait out till hearing the heartbeat?  Would I want to? 

I've been taking so many pictures and documenting so many things on this journey, I kind of think a surprise video would be fun.  Like invite the whole family over for dinner, and pop it in.  Ending it with ultrasound pictures maybe?  Playing music from my blog in the background?  Crying and laughing as I get to see the look on my parent's face that they will be grandparents again?

I've also thought of inviting my mother-in-law and mom to the ultrasound, by "tricking" them and telling them my OPGYN needs to talk to me and I don't want to go alone.  They would walk in to the heartbeat!

Oh and Darren!  I love surprising my husband.  I've been joking with him forever that when I get pregnant he gets an "automatic" push present (even though he doesn't have to push), he has probably wanted to PUSH me a few times since the infertility journey has been so long and painful, I never shut up!  The poor man knows more about female reproduction system than most women I know.  He was actually rolling his eyes the other day because a girl at his work didn't know what "ovulating" actually meant.  He he.  He has never once told me to be quiet and has done nothing but remained strong and positive.  He really wants a Bowe's Surround Sound System for our tv....maybe, I could have it all set up when he walked in and just see if he "get's it."  I really want to film his reaction too.  I'm going to cry so much!

And then, my dreams get bigger.  Hearing the heartbeat.  Setting up his/her room.  Feeling him/her move in me.  Despite how sick or tired I feel, feeling happy and content and peaceful.

My little sister is due next month.  I've been so private with my family because I don't want to take a moment away from her pregnancy.  While one daughter is buying diapers, the other is buying injections.  It doesn't seem right to complain, or whine, or even talk much about it when something so beautiful is going on to the other extreme. 

We have decided that our IVF is going to be a top secret minus a few people and of course my blog world of friends.  In fact, only one person out of all my friends and family have even seen my blog.  I will tell my sister and best 2 or 3 friends.  I got to have an outlet.  But I want to 'regain' some of the fun of SURPRISING.  I don't want a million people checking in with me, but I do want a million praying. 

And someday, God willing, my dreams become reality.  During this last week of the 2ww, I'm going to keep dreaming instead of fearing, come what may.

Here is a picture of the sign at the hopital we go to for the IUIs.  Hopefully we never have to look at it AGAIN.

What I Dreaded Has Come True

September 11, 2012

I was reading my Bible the other day and I happen to be in Job.  For those of you non-bible people, Job is a man who lived a flawless life and had a perfect life.  One day, to prove Satan wrong, God allowed Satan to take everything from Job.  He ended up losing his children, his home, and his own personal health hit a sickening low to where he cursed the day he was born.  At one point he said in Job 3:25

"For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me. " or in another translation "What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come true."

Yesterday as Darren and I actually physically stepped into the IVF consult room, paid $405 to talk with the doctor, and heard his explanation, I couldn't help but think of Job. 

Don't get me wrong.  I am so grateful for the hope IVF offers.  That God has allowed science to develop to this point that Darren and I someday may be called "mommy and daddy" from a human being that has his right dimple and my left dimple (we each just have 1 on opposites sides).  The doctor told us with two attempts he thinks we have a 70% chance.

But I was there.  Sitting in his office.  Seeing pictures of things I've just read about.  Egg retrieval.  Harvesting.  ICSI.  Anesthesia.  Embryo.  Freezing.  Injections.  Trainings. A crazy amount of money.

I'm kind of surprised this day even came.  I have always been nervous we would have trouble conceiving but I didn't think it would have to go this far.  Although I have an AMAZING marriage now, it was a rocky road getting to the altar; I've prayed God would spare us a rocky road getting a child.

Then the payment plans.  Thank Jesus I don't put my value in money because I'm about to feel like I'm throwing dollar bills out the window fast.  With a swipe of a card $405 for the meeting.  Before any plans we purchase kick in, it looks like another $900 for the trial transfer and another procedure were they fill my uterus with dye called SIS.  The payment plans are so hard because there is one option for 10k where you get 1 fresh and 1 frozen attempt (but if there are no extra embryos to freeze, then you are out the 2nd try).  Then for 16k you get 2 fresh and 2 frozen.  But if you get pregnant the first time, you pay the full price (which is SOO worth having a baby, but also frustrating you could have just bought one cycle).  The decision is heavy on my heart.  Do we gamble and go with the 1 or play it safe and go with the 16k one?  We are leaning towards 16k because we realize not all first attempts work and it might be better for our sanity.

I'm scared.  I know so many women do this, but I'm still scared.  I'm scared of the invasivness of it all.  I 'm scared of what the injections will do to me and how I'll feel at work.  I'm scared I'll fall into the 5% that have no embryos.  I'm scared we have to do ICSI because birth defects slightly increase.  I'm scared it won't work.

However, I also have hope.  I am stronger than I know and through HIM I can do all things.  It's invasive but who cares?  I'm used to being examined by now.  I will survive the injections; I survived the HCG, I will be okay.  It's only 5%  I have a 95% of having embryos.  ICSI directly puts the sperm in the egg so I won't have to worry about low morphology.  Birth defects happen to people who conceive on their own too.

Now is that awful waiting game.  Small chance I could be pregnant from the IUI I had on the 8th.  I might not be able to start till end of next cycle (late Oct) so maybe I'll conceive on my own in October?  Or maybe we can speed up process and start IVF this month.  JESUS let me know your peace in this storm and bless and the women who know the pain of "what I dreaded has come true."  Fill us with hope.

Just so you know, about Job, in the end, God restored him and blessed him with a better life he could have dreamed of before.....

Today I "Saw" My "Baby"

September 4, 2012

Okay, fine, I saw half of it.  Or them.  Since this truly will be our last IUI, we have decided to go all out.  The full blown monitoring (where they go inside and measure egg growth), HCG trigger shot, and all.

Did I mention that I HATE the monitoring?  It's so dang uncomfortable.  I'm a more private person but I'm so over that everyone sees me down south at this point; it's uncomfortable because it hurts.

However, although this was the 2nd time, I had the same weird sensation I did the first.  I got to actually see the tiny eggs that are growing inside me.  There is a big on measuring at 1.8 and 2 smaller at 1.5.  It is so strange that one of those, after making friends with Dar's sperm, could be my BABY.  I know it's a long shot, but there is hope in the fact that this is the last IUI no matter what.

We had the privilege of actually scheduling the IUI (and bonus it's on Saturday so I don't have to miss school) and almost guaranteed that we are going in at the right time because of the shot (last time we did the shot we had the freakishly low sperm count of just 1 million). 

At this point, I'm going to pack away the ovulation predictor kits, stop temping, give myself the injection and relax.  I keep reminding myself it's in God's hands.  As a Christian I deeply know that He has the best for us and future baby and that I have to trust that which is sooo hard.  At this point, I'm going to do my part and then "Be still."

My Bucket List:

My Bucket List: