It Still Stings

July 5, 2013

You would think that after over 2.5 year of infertility that I would have grown numb to other people's pregnancies. I'm 29 years old.  I am in the ZONE of EVERYONE and their MOTHER (yes, this happened) are getting pregnant.

I have posted several times about my process when I hear about someone pregnant.

1.  First I feel jealous/annoyed and kind of a "that's not fair" attitude.  Although it's easier when someone in the infertility land world gets their BFP, if I'm being 100% honest, I still get that initial kicker.  We were in the same boat and now they left it.  Waves of emotions come (I am NOT saying this is right, I'm aware of that.  Read on).

2.  Second, I feel bad that I'm jealous that something good happened to someone.  I am really really nice and that first emotion is really really mean.

3.  Third, guilt.  I'm evil!  Why am I crying that someone else got something I want?  That is wrong.

4.  Anger.  I'm angry that infertility has created this mean cycle in me.  Angry I feel guilty.  Angry that something I'm trying for for so ##^^#% long comes so @#@#%% easily for someone else (or sometimes harder if its from other infertiles).

5.  Sadness.  Deep deep sadness.  A reminder that I may never experience pregnancy.  No guarantees.  Again, "unfair" emotions of lucky person at least knows they will.

6.  Reconciliation.  Reflection.  Calming down.  Choosing to chose to be so happy for them.  So sad for me.

My YOUNGER sister who has a 10 month year old baby has a friend who is my age.  Her friend has been married a couple years and really relaxed about having kids later.  I think her knowing about my situation made her nervous to wait, so they decided to start trying (like 3 months ago). I  just found out she is pregnant.  My mind whirled. I honestly, physically cannot image getting pregnant with in 3 months of trying.  I know it happens.  A lot.  But I couldn't digest it.  I'm sitting here, injecting myself with hormones, praying for miracle, fighting for 36 months and BAM, 3 months? 

I know I know.  It's called fertility.  It's called being normal.  It's called being the 9 in 10 that don't have issues.  It stung me though and I don't even ever see this person.  Whoosh me through my 6 step process and I'm happy for her.

The funny thing is, I'm in a lose-lose situation.  As mentioned, even seeing "fellow" bloggers get pregnant is bitter-sweet.  It gives me hope and happiness that they no longer suffer, but in a way it magnifies my pain.  However, I say lose-lose because I'm rooting for these people too.  If they are not pregnant after a treatment, I feel deep sadness for them.  If they miscarry, I SOB.  Like big time cry. I don't want anyone to get pregnant and I don't want anyone not too (lol, can you hear my stims talking by chance?)  I found this "prayer" on a blog and had to share:

Lord, Give me Strength...

·         To keep my cool when another period starts.

·         To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her pregnancy.

·         To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her.

·         To endure my sister-in-law's comments about toilet training.

·         To keep from crying when I see children begging on the roads.

·         To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for two hours for a consultation - and then can't remember my name.

·         To make the right decision about treatment.

·         To maintain a good relationship with my husband in spite of all this

 

I know that this is a season and I trust that in time, I will carry a baby or that God will give us peace to go a different route and that the sting won't be so deep or harsh.  For all you women chasing your BFPs, I really really am rooting and really really am so happy for those that catch it and so sad for those that don't.  We all must keep hoping.