Super Scared

July 30, 2013

I haven't been "this far" in the BFP quest before.  I guess I assumed once I had the benefit of nice doubling betas I would sigh in relief and be just a little guarded (and really excited) for the fetal pole check.

I'm disappointed in myself because I'm doing a horrible job of allowing worse case scenarios to play in my mind over and over.  I keep stumbling on blogs of people who (everything looked perfect) and then no heart beat.  I'm so jealous of the confidence women have going in to this-many bloggers (not all) go in to it wandering how many implanted instead of if any are alive.  I wish I had that.

I'm obsessing over symptoms.  I felt on and off nausea even before the test.  I have mild twinges in my uterus as well.  My breasts are sore.  The nausea has died of the last couple days and as it dies, more fear is born.  I keep pushing my breast to "make sure" they still hurt.  If I feel queasy AT ALL I feel happy. Yesterday I did have a really really weird emotional situation.  I was trying to annoy Darren and kept telling a joke over and over again (I was literally cracking myself up to the point of tears), he wasn't as amused.  Anyways, when I really really laugh, I usually shed tears-as I reached that point, I realized I was sad crying, like sobbing.  I got up to hide my insanity from my poor husband who was trying to watch the Big Bang Theory and took a shower.  In there I sobbed, tears non stop, gasping for air.  I honestly think I'm in shock.  My body has been through the crazy ropes of IVF and there have been so many anxious moments of waiting for hpt and then relief, waiting for first beta-relief, etc. I'm scared and I think my body was wanting to release some of the stress.  It was so weird .  Heck, I can't even go to the bathroom without infertility teasing me.  I'm horrified of blood in this situation.  Every single time I go I would be lying to say it doesn't pop in my head.

 I just got off a low dose anxiety pill so that's hard to since I'm thrown into a more serious than before TWO WEEK WAIT AGAIN for the heartbeat.

I know 85% of pregnancies don't end in miscarriage for women in my age range.  I know that a strong doubling beta is a great start.  I keep reminding myself that God has brought me this far and no matter what I do/don't do, the results will be the same. 

The miscarriage last time was so so sad.  I just watched this video tribute I made to "cope" with it (December 2012) and found myself sobbing.

I'm praying for courage to get through the next 2 weeks.  I'm praying that God will continue to hold these babies in His hands and let them stay.  I've mentioned it before but right around us seeing the fetal pole is right around the time our baby from our first IVF miscarriage would have been born.  What a beautiful testimony and circle.  I don't in anyway want to "dis" God by just living in fear and worry during this miracle, I've got to get it together.  I think I'll go in for a 3rd Beta just for a boost of reassurance. AHHHHH.  I'll need botox by the time I'm 31.

Suddenly: The Stories of the BETAS

July 26, 2013

***Some people get pregnant really easy.  We all know that.  Before I "share the update" please remember that my journey is not one to envy (whose infertile journey is?).  I have been living with the fear that I would never conceive since I was 18 and diagnosed with PCOS; I'm almost 30.  When I got married we THEN found out my husband had low sperm count, low T, and low morphology.  I have gone through multiple clomid and femera cycles of hot flashes and headaches and no results.  I did EIGHT artificial inseminations with nothing, month after month.  I got pregnant on IVF all to miscarry and find myself in a clinic getting the baby cleaned out of my body.  One of the ultimate lows was 1 week after the D&C, when I thought it was "over," I started lactating.  Months later I went through a promising FET with everything in my favor and nothing stuck.  Below is a collage of the last 2.75 years: egg retrievals, shots, D&C, IUIs-all from failed cycles:

My second point is I know it is insane/ridiculous to go public w/ an early pregnancy announcement; in my "real world" I'm not doing that.  I have only shared it with my direct family because I need them there if things go wrong.  But in the blog world, I've been open and honest the whole time so I decided to take the risk and share w/ the followers because you guys will know if things go wrong too. 

On Wednesday I had my second beta and it doubled.  beta #1 440 (9dpt)  beta #2 939 (11 dpt).  This is not a pregnancy announcement.  From our first miscarriage to following WAY too many stories that had happy news to result in early loss, I am taking 1 day at a time. 

When I saw my positive home pregnancy test (I just took 1, 8dpt, Saturday) I whispered a prayer of thanks but this time I am so guarded; I sobbed for joy at the mere hope.  Infertility has robbed me the joy of seeing those two lines and not thinking a care in the world could go wrong.  There are 3 hurdles:  1-getting the positive hpt   2.  Betas doubling (this is where we lost last time).  3.  Seeing fetal pole (early August).  Even then, my breath will be held.  I appreciate all the prayers so much.  We currently feel so happy and hopeful but guarded too.  I cannot explain how many prayers are whispered as I fall asleep, when I catch myself doubting, when I catch myself afraid.  It really is up to Him.

As someone who has been blogging for awhile, I've been really happy for people I followed  (like before I did IVF and it would work for someone, I would be pumped) but then as I've been through the ringer a few times, IVF successes stung me a bit too.  I pray to God that this glimmer of hope stings no one and brings hope to people fighting or that have had 1 or 2 failed IVFs under their belt.  My blog is not going to turn into 5 million pictures of my stomach or my cravings or how I "horrible" feel if I make it to those points.  Isn't that why some of us got off facebook?  If this pregnancy is viable (again, no big celebration till heartbeat) I'll start a different blog for that a keep this one for the few milestones (heartbeat, gender)  and infertility awareness.  Thank you again to all the women who have rooted for me, prayed for me, hoped for me.  I have a long 8 months ahead HOPEFULLY.

The Wonderful Way Babies are Made

July 24, 2013

I didn't know about sex until I was in 3rd grade.  I was homeschooled that year and I remember my mom ordering this book called "The Wonderful Way Babies are Made"


The book had "large print" for children (for example: when a mommy and daddy really love each other they can make a baby); the book also had "small print" for the detailed, scientific way (example the mommy and daddy lay next to each other and then.....well, you get it).  I had heard the large print several times.  I remember the day clearly mom read me the small print; I mean the real beez naz.

I was horrified, disgusted and in shock.  I was convinced the world had gone mad and convinced that I would NEVER do that.  I even said it, "Mom, I'm never doing that." 

My little sister got the small print treatment a couple years later.  Some how she missed something because that night when Dad got home from work, she stormed up in him with a very angry scowl (poor Dad didn't know mom had just revealed life's deepest secret to her) and she looked up at him holding up 3 very angry fingers and said, "I can't believe you did that to mom THREE times!" (There are 3 kids in our family).  I think Dad took a couple steps back and then called for my mom.   Heidi and I were both again horrified to find out people do this for fun?  What the beep? 


Obviously as I got older, The Wonderful Way Babies are Made started to sound, well, enticing.  I had committed to wait till my wedding night so I didn't experience the "first part" of the small print till I was 26.  As time went on though, I mean when we were ready to have a baby, I realized something was off.  For me, The Wonderful Way Babies are Made was a lie. 

Lying in my loving husbands embrace turned into cold speculums and catheters.  "Making love" to make a child slowly began to fade.  At first, in the beginning, it really stung.  I was taking pills, and crying, and trying shots and ultrasounds and predictor kits.  I started to despise sex because all it would remind me of was that it wasn't resulting in what it is supposed to do.  This just isn't how the book said things would go.  As time went on fighting the IF journey, I let it go. 

I accepted that there are other ways for babies to be made; they aren't the same type of wonderful that involves passionate sex with your adored husband, but they are wonderful in the sense that they can still let a baby be made. 

I might write a book for mom's to read to their IVF or IUI or surrogate or embryo adopted or sperm donated or egg donated babies (I know some already exist).  Or maybe I'll make a sequel called "The Many Wonderful Ways Babies are Made."  I've been sad for a long time that that book mom read me back in 1992 was wrong; at least for us.  But as I accept there are other ways, I'm deciding to forgive that book for lying to me and praise the Lord for the fact that there are now more than 1 way and to pray that although He clearly closed the door, He opens a window. 

Every Hour

July 22, 2013

We all know the waiting is really really hard.  The mind plays tricks.  Every twinge or non twinge causes anxiety.  We find ourselves feeling feelings of hope and excitement and then our brain "catches" it and reminds us to guard ourselves.  Waiting is so hard.

I came across this worship song called "Lord I Need You" by Chris Tomlin and it's so embedded in my heart and spirit that I wake up with the lyrics playing in my head.  I truly need Him every hour through this. (I'll paste lyrics at bottom of post)

In other thoughts, I came across 2 really good "perspectives" of explaining infertility.

1.  (my own) it's like a sliver.  No one can see it, you always know its there, and it hurts really bad at times and other times its just a nusince.  My husband had a deep sliver after working on the bark dust . "It hurts so bad, I want it out, I can feel it as I walk and it's annoying," says my husband.  "Darren," I reply, "You my love have just defined infertility."  I went on to explain that if he says "don't think about it or relax" that it's physically impossible, just like a deep sliver.

2.  I was blog reading and came across this post on  http://hiddeninfertility.blogspot.com  blog.  It is beautiful in regards to explaining the weight of infertility and might make people that tell us to see the glass "half full" shut it. ;)

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full" question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?"

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

 

She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything."

Lots of stuff on my mind, trying to remember that I truly need Him every hour and to breathe through the wait. 

 

[Verse 1:]
Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart

[Chorus:]
Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

[Verse 2:]
Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

[Bridge:]
So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay

 

Transfered 3-Day 5 Embryos on Transfer Round #3

July ish, 2013

This week has definitely allowed me to flex my faith muscles.  Last fresh cycle I felt like the embryologist called me daily for updates.  The last update I got was on Day 3 that all 11 were still in the running.  As a worrier, I flashed back to my last cycle.  All TWENTY were still in the running on Day 3 but just 6 made it to blastocyst and out of the 4 "perfect" ones transferred, I'm still not pregnant.  Eleven seemed a lot slimmer to me and of course worse casenario is nothing makes it to Day 5.  On the bright side, I have trained my mouth and mind to whisper Jesus and remind myself no matter what I do/don't do, He is in control and makes the call.

On a great note, since they triggered me a day early (day 8) I had 1 day of mild bloating but by the 3rd day after SURGERY I shoveled dirt for our yard and my parents for 3 hours and mowed the lawn.  AND shoveled bark dust.  The best part of all this was after we did our yard, I decided to help my dad (they are our neighbors) and he gave me $10!  LOL, it was like a little allowance.   I feel amazing and am so thankful I avoided OHSS.

I got the call today, Day 5, that it was "game time" and that I won the "best embryos of the day" award.  I'm guarded because last time I got that award too.  Just because they are "high quality" doesn't mean they implant or that they are normal (flashback early miscarriage).

I over zealously filled my bladder.  The embryologist came to talk to us and said he was shocked our FET didn't work (they dethawed beautifully) but that infertility is unpredictable (no crap).  He went on to say that we have SEVEN blastocysts that meet freezing criteria with a possible 2 more he can add tomorrow.  I was shocked because last time we just had 6 with more than double the fertilized embryos to begin with.  I told him I wanted to transfer 3.  He laughed.  Then realized I wasn't kidding.  He asked "why?"  I pointed out that FOUR high quality had been transferred and that nothing stuck.  He stared a me and my husband silently and said "you will have to talk to the Dr."

Well, I was one step ahead of him and had talked with her a few days before.  We know the risks but at this point with this being our 11th total treatment (including IUIs) I don't want to mess around.  Triplets would be nuts, and our goal is a healthy baby, but I do want to do this again.

The Dr. did her best to try to re-convince me one last time "you're young, your embryos are good" but she said, "I'm fine with 3" and as she was setting up said the chances of all 3 sticking are slim anyway.  I would be lying if I said Darren didn't look a little nervous with all the concern, but we had prayed God would make it clear if we were to not tranfer 3, and we both felt peace about it.  We decided to transfer our two "BEST" 4AA embryos and then lucky number 7 (he said this last one was still like a B plus).  It went smooth.  The only small hiccup was I had to get up to go to the bathroom after 20 minutes (instead of waiting the 30-40 they prefer) but the nurse convinced me it was safe. 

Darren then drove me to an acupuncturist that was willing to be "on call."  It was different than the regular one I see but I felt better going.  The only annoying part was she asked me if I have had all my hormones checked and if my husband had been checked (read in sarcastic voice 'oh, we've only done 3 IVFs and haven't even thought of that?).  Lol. 

The nurse on duty today told me that I'm on "princess duty" and to lay low the rest of the day.  I've watched like 10 episodes of Arrested Development and whenever I need something I refer to my husband as "helper" instead of Darren :)  I feel peaceful now, praying that lasts the next 9 days.

*Final count:  17 retrieved, 11 mature, 11 fertilized, 9 made it to blastocyst, transfered 3, 6 frozen (added to our 2 other frosties from 1st transfer so we have 8 frosties total).  Infterility is so random. Last time had 20 mature fertilzied eggs and 6 made it to day 5; this time I had half that amount but 3 more made it?  So strange.  Of course several people I follow only ending up having TWO viable embyos total and still end up getting pregnant.  I've had tons of awesome ones and nothing yet. I know too well that ART isn't 100% guaranteed and although I'm thankful for the numbers, it doesn't mean they are all normal or healthy (we didn't pay for genetic testing)  But, for now I get to flash around the annoying term PUPO!  That's me!  Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise ;)

Egg Retrieval

July ish, 2013

Wow, time comes and goes so quickly.  The official 2WW has begun.  Egg retrieval.  CHECK!

Here's a brief recap of our day:

7:20 am left early to get to OHSU on time in case of traffic.

I woke up with peace and excitment.  I didn't "worry" the way there.  The only time I got nervous was when I was waiting on the bed. 

8:45 they called me back.  The anestegoligst was defiantly a talkitive hippi.  He was wearing a bandanna.  I was a little nervous because he said he was going to start me off "low."  I wanted to be OUT.  He did do a great job of getting in the IV.

Darren had to go give his "donation."  I BEGGED him to take pictures of the "artwork" in this special room.  He has talked about it and it sounded hilarious.  Naked abstract women. Perfect.

Once the IV was in, Dar came back and I had to listen to him and hippi sleep doctor shoot the birds about airplanes while we waited 20 minutes for our RE to come back.  In the middle of their conversation I said "Hey, do you guys want to bet money on how many eggs I get retrieved and the winner takes all?" Darren just laughs and the anethostigist said "ya, I'm in, I've never made money off a  patient before."  Ha ha ha.  Then he pointed out I had an unfair advantage since I've seen the ultrasounds.

Finally the RE came back and he started pumping his magic.  He just didn't pump enough.  I was in a lot of discomfort and too alert for my liking and I kept saying "is this normal?"  They got the message and after that I basically lost all my memories.

I could re-tell so many events from my last egg-retrieval so I told Darren to not tell me a thing and I would prove that I was alert.  I couldn't.  I didn't remember asking the nurse to draw "launching pads" on my hips for the PIO shots, I guess I asked "how many eggs did we get?" like 7 times, and apparently when I was recovering I kept telling Darren to take pictures of me!! (I'm so embarrassed about that, the staff probably thinks I'm nuts).  I did want a good "blogger" pic, but one that I was AWARE in.  I have NO memory of this but here she is.  The pictures Darren took literally looks like I'm on my dying death bed.  Oh well, at least there is evidence. 

They got 17 eggs.  Last time we had 24, but last time I was at a way higher risk for OHSS so they triggered me a day early.  I knew this would mean less eggs, but of course, it makes me worried too just because the 24 resulted in just 6 "viable" embryos but out of those, we have put in 4 and no pregnancy.  However, this is a beautiful opportunity to "let go and let God."  I can't do anything about it and at the end of the day, 'que sera' sera'  Now I have to trust Him.

I don't want to jinx myself, but the recovery so far has been AWESOME.  I'm up and walking around, have only take 1.5 pain meds, am eating, and it didn't kill to go to the bathroom.  I'm assuming the dreaded Bloat will come soon (or tomorrow) but I'm thankful that I'm probably not near as close to OHSS that I was last time.  *update-minus a tiny bloat the day after, 2 days after the surgery I shoveled bark dust for 3 hours.  Praise the Lord!

So now, I get to take the week off (I cancelled my 2 college courses I teach this week) and relax and pray. 

Pulling the Trigger

July 2013  (I'm trying to be vague with exact dates so I don't FREAK out, but this has recently happened)

What a whirlwind this cycle has been.  I took a night job for the graduate program at a university in Oregon so I've been busy thinking about that instead of the nightly injections and growing follicles.

The REs did start me on a lower dose this time.  I respond really really well.  Like too well to the point where it's bad.  Last time around they had me trigger shot on Day 9. 

After today's ultrasound there are 26 follicles and 15 are completely mature.  The RE on call (Dr. Wu, she is the one who did my first fresh transfer back in the fall) was pretty confident in doing it a day early.  She said they could push me one more day and get more mature follicles (last time they "harvested" 24) but she said she didn't want my estrogen levels super high and thought I would have a better chance at success if we cut it short and go over the 15ish that are mature.  She said I "could have" miscarried last time because of all the inflammations in the pelvis from the crazy amount of eggs retrieved.  She said "if you were doing a 'freeze all' I would push it out one more day and say go for it.  But since fresh cycles have higher success rates and the goal is to get you pregnant, I want you to trigger tonight."

I was a little shocked.  I was half excited (wow, we are doing something different from last cycle, this could be good) and a little scared (if I'm going to go through ALL this, I want to suck it up one more day and have more follicles).  I remember that my husband had encouraged me to trust the RE's judgement and God.  I have been praying that He would give them wisdom.

I had my first meltdown on the way home.  Crying on the freeway.  Crying because there is no turning back.  Crying because this amazing opportunity is so close.  Crying because I'm happy and excited.  Crying because I'm scared. 

Tonight I trigger at 9:00 pm.  Then I'm just 36 hours away from the "show getting started" and the beginning of the dreaded 2WW.  Here. We.  Go. 

Hope-In-Oil Injection

July 11, 2013

As I near the dreaded, big, scary, creepy, long progesterone in oil shots, I'm reminded of this image I saved awhile back:

For you women who have gone through IVF, this bottle looks a lot like what Lupron and Menopur come in.  At the point, with all our failed treatments behind us, I would actually load this med up in my PIO shot and shoot it in my booty if it gave me a burst.

I haven't gotten to the hard part yet (injections-no big deal, egg retrieval-challenging, 2WW-INSANITY).  BUT so far in this cycle, I have allowed myself to hope again.  Like, all out hope.  Not to be confused fully with "expectation" but plain and simple, there is a good chance this will work. 

I could sit here and worry.  I could sit here and play back ALL the failed attempts of the past and the "what ifs" and the "then whats." But this cycle I am making a conscious effort to not be negative.  And, I'm making a conscious effort to not go down the "it probably won't work again" road.  At the end of the month I'll know and its basically a 50% chance it works and 50% chance it won't.  I might as well "waste" all my energy on the 50% it will, since they are tied.  I found this quote on someone else's blog and am trying to embrace it:

“If you get caught up in the worst case scenario and it doesn’t happen, you’ve wasted your time. And if you are caught up in the worst case scenario and it does happen, you’ve lived it twice.” -Michael J. Fox

 

 

I know for sure I don't want to live any of the negative twice.  I'm not trying to be "new age" nor have I convinced myself that my brain controls the outcome.  100% Jesus Christ does.  He is the author and finisher of life and no matter what I do/don't do, ultimately He decides.  I've been blogging long enough to see PERFECT cycle end with BFNs and really grim looking cycles end in positives.  I've seen people get "surprises" (one lady did after 6 failed IVFs and adoption), and I've see couples embrace the desire to be parents is stronger than carrying the child and find their baby that route.  God will do what He has planned but I have the choice to be fearful, doubtful and miserable OR excited, hopeful, and content.  "But Holly," one might ask, "how are you going to feel if it doesn't work again?"  But I'm asking "How will I feel if it does?"  Whether I'm horrified and depressed through this or excited and thrilled, the outcome will be the same:  Super super sad or super super happy.

 

 

Lastly, there are two Bible verses pulling me through and I thought I'd share:

 

"But me, I not giving up.  I'm sticking around to see what God will do.  I'm wanting for God to make things right.  I'm counting on God to listen to me."  -Micah 7:7 (message)

 

And

 

 

"I will not cause pain without something new being born."  Isaiah 66:9

 

This last verse is especially important to me because IF I do get pregnant from THIS cycle, the day I could hear the first heartbeat would be the same day that my baby that I miscarried would have been born. 

 

I got to go.  I'm going to take an injection of hope ;)



It Still Stings

July 5, 2013

You would think that after over 2.5 year of infertility that I would have grown numb to other people's pregnancies. I'm 29 years old.  I am in the ZONE of EVERYONE and their MOTHER (yes, this happened) are getting pregnant.

I have posted several times about my process when I hear about someone pregnant.

1.  First I feel jealous/annoyed and kind of a "that's not fair" attitude.  Although it's easier when someone in the infertility land world gets their BFP, if I'm being 100% honest, I still get that initial kicker.  We were in the same boat and now they left it.  Waves of emotions come (I am NOT saying this is right, I'm aware of that.  Read on).

2.  Second, I feel bad that I'm jealous that something good happened to someone.  I am really really nice and that first emotion is really really mean.

3.  Third, guilt.  I'm evil!  Why am I crying that someone else got something I want?  That is wrong.

4.  Anger.  I'm angry that infertility has created this mean cycle in me.  Angry I feel guilty.  Angry that something I'm trying for for so ##^^#% long comes so @#@#%% easily for someone else (or sometimes harder if its from other infertiles).

5.  Sadness.  Deep deep sadness.  A reminder that I may never experience pregnancy.  No guarantees.  Again, "unfair" emotions of lucky person at least knows they will.

6.  Reconciliation.  Reflection.  Calming down.  Choosing to chose to be so happy for them.  So sad for me.

My YOUNGER sister who has a 10 month year old baby has a friend who is my age.  Her friend has been married a couple years and really relaxed about having kids later.  I think her knowing about my situation made her nervous to wait, so they decided to start trying (like 3 months ago). I  just found out she is pregnant.  My mind whirled. I honestly, physically cannot image getting pregnant with in 3 months of trying.  I know it happens.  A lot.  But I couldn't digest it.  I'm sitting here, injecting myself with hormones, praying for miracle, fighting for 36 months and BAM, 3 months? 

I know I know.  It's called fertility.  It's called being normal.  It's called being the 9 in 10 that don't have issues.  It stung me though and I don't even ever see this person.  Whoosh me through my 6 step process and I'm happy for her.

The funny thing is, I'm in a lose-lose situation.  As mentioned, even seeing "fellow" bloggers get pregnant is bitter-sweet.  It gives me hope and happiness that they no longer suffer, but in a way it magnifies my pain.  However, I say lose-lose because I'm rooting for these people too.  If they are not pregnant after a treatment, I feel deep sadness for them.  If they miscarry, I SOB.  Like big time cry. I don't want anyone to get pregnant and I don't want anyone not too (lol, can you hear my stims talking by chance?)  I found this "prayer" on a blog and had to share:

Lord, Give me Strength...

·         To keep my cool when another period starts.

·         To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her pregnancy.

·         To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her.

·         To endure my sister-in-law's comments about toilet training.

·         To keep from crying when I see children begging on the roads.

·         To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for two hours for a consultation - and then can't remember my name.

·         To make the right decision about treatment.

·         To maintain a good relationship with my husband in spite of all this

 

I know that this is a season and I trust that in time, I will carry a baby or that God will give us peace to go a different route and that the sting won't be so deep or harsh.  For all you women chasing your BFPs, I really really am rooting and really really am so happy for those that catch it and so sad for those that don't.  We all must keep hoping.