Praise the Lord, the 24 hours after delivering Brinly were fairly uneventful. I had a few contractions and was bleeding, but nothing that alarmed them and no sign of infection.
On Halloween morning I woke up way before the surgery. My brain/stress/worry cannot be overcome with their power sleeping meds. They took me to the Operation Room and gave me a spinal. I was horrified for the pain but it just felt like a shot. My body went numb fast and I didn't feel a thing.
Since my case is so rare, every move is an educated guess. The doctors literally went in and sewed stitches in my cervix. This type of surgery is called a cerclage. They usually do it on people with incompetent cervixes but in my case they thought it couldn't hurt.
One of the specialists told me they have had 5 of theses "cases" in the last 5 years where one twin or
triplet delivers and then they give a cerclage. 2 have had successful outcomes (baby at the end). The hope is it keeps out infection and reminds my body not to go into labor but there are no guarantees.
I cannot express in words the amount of emotions and mainly fear I have experienced in the last week. I cannot go to the bathroom without a "catcher" in the toilet because I'm horrified to simply go to the bathroom. Every twinge, every spot, every ache can lead me to a panic attack. I was originally told I would go home today (Sunday) but one of the specialist feels I need to be on antibiotics 7 days after surgery so it looks like my new "home" date isn't until Thursday.
Friday was the melt down day. My back hurt really bad from the spinal, I realized we are so far from out of the woods. I'm on an IV where they give me antibiotics every 6 hours-hardcore antibiotics to the point I'm getting a yeast infection. I could see the box where Brinly's footprints, and blanket, and hat were and lost it. I want this to be over so bad. The infertility journey is enough for one person, then adding rare pregnancy complications? I'm in so much shock.
I also went through a selfish cry period. I've dreamed of being pregnant and FINALLY reached a point in my pregnancy where I could breathe and enjoy. We didn't officially announce till 17 weeks-far beyond the "safe zone." I cried because the rest of the pregnancy is jaded. Every day I will wonder if this is the day. I will be scared to go to the bathroom. I will probably panic and think I'm going into labor the first time I feel sweet Jude move instead of laughing and smiling and "just knowing" he was okay. I cried because I won't have a joyful baby shower-I only want one IF it works out (so sad I have to say IF). I cried because the joy and excitement in "bump pictures" seems pointless, the nursery is on hold. Of course, it will be worth it in the end, but I'm being honest. I told Darren I feel like I just got a positive pregnancy test-4 weeks pregnant-and that I have to keep my mouth shut and emotions guarded till 12 weeks. Maybe I can breathe again a bit once I hit 24 if God allows me to go that far.
Lastly, the most painful wave of emotion I'm dealing with is the fact Brinly was perfect. I HATE (insert every horrible bad possible word here) HATE that Brinly would have been alive if her water didn't freakishly break. I HATE that after 3 years of infertility we were 41 days away...FORTY ONE freaking days of where she could have possibly survived. If I knew something was wrong with her...anything...deformity, mental illness, etc.I could at least know that she was spared from a more challenging life. But she was perfect and I hate it.
Through the storm, we will praise Him. I do not have one ounce of anger toward God. I don't understand it, but I trust that He is good and that He sees things we don't. I'm not angry-but I'm very deeply sad. I'm sad at God.
Thank you all so much for the verses, encouragement, packages (Sarah and Suzanne), prayers, and crying with us. Means the world and brings support. Thank you. Let the fight continue for Jude.
