It Is Well

March, 2017

I have been working on this post FOREVER!!  Sorry for the late late end of a new beginning.  Judah entered this world exactly 4 months ago. 

If you are new too my blog and deep in the depths of infertility, I am so sorry.  I know the ache of multiple failed IUIs, failed IVFs, failed FETs, early miscarriage, miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat, and the agony of stillborn twins.  I know the overwhelming fear you can feel physically as your mind begins to worry that maybe you will never have a child.  That nothing will work.  That you will fall into that small small percentage of people who can't have a child, can't afford adoption or fertility treatments.  I know the feeling of gambling our $ hoping that we can just have a baby.  I know how it feels to cry out to God for help for years and hear nothing.  I know the deep feeling that develops in your throat with every pregnancy announcement as you try with all you have to be happy for them and sad for you.  I see you. I get you.  It was 3 years ago I sat at the churches candle light service empty handed although I had just help my son before saying good-bye.  Miracles still happen.  For all you are, with all that you have, if you still have the desire to have a baby, a sibling, keep fighting, keep praying, keep hoping.  Don't let infertility defeat you and rob you.  She tries to ruin so many of our lives by stealing our times and haunting our worries.  She can't win. If you ever need to talk/vent/ask me questions about anything related to loss, infertility, IVF, medications, inducing lactation, gestational surrogacy, and, lol, "raising boys" I love supporting other women #tribedemama

My live twin boys were born in 2014 via an amazing woman/gestational carrier.  I attempted this pregnancy.   Little Judah Tim Benson made his grand entrance at exactly 38 weeks 11/23, a half hour before Thanksgiving day.  We didn't know it till later but Judah means Thanksgiving.

Pregnancy after loss is scary and the whole 9 months I felt like I was waiting for something to go wrong.  This Bethel song "it is well" was one of the most supporting songs I had

I had 0 Braxton hicks or false labor throughout the pregnancy so I was sure that with murphy's law I would end up having to be induced.  The MFM was a bit concerned because the ultrasound was showing Judah weighed 8lb 9oz at 37 weeks.

I won't go into a long labor story, but here are the main events.  I had planned on a natural birth but went in with a very very open minded birth plan.

On Monday night, 11/22 I went to acupuncture to "induce labor"


At 6 pm that night contractions started.  At first I didn't think much but by 8:00 it was a pattern, by 9:00 every 5 minutes, so by 10:30 we headed to the hospital. 

I was only 2 cm dilated but contractions were strong.  They had me walk around for an hour to see if I would progress.  I did so they admitted me and we called in the moms.  We had decided to invite both my mom and Darren's mom to come witness it all. 

I labored naturally for 12 hours but was barely progressing.  At 5 cm I decided to get the epidural; at the rate it was going I thought the labor could last for days and I was exhausted.  I needed energy to make it through the day and I hadn't slept that night.  I felt super depressed after getting it since I so passionately wanted to experience natural birth.  Maybe it's because I didn't carry/labor Noah and Beckom, but I wanted to feeeel him come out. 

The afternoon was uneventful and I visited with the moms and tried to sleep.  Every hour they checked and I wasn't progressing which was also discouraging.

Around 4pm I started feeling contractions again.  They got harder and harder.  The anesthesiologist assured me that all was working, but by 6 I was in "transition" having contractions every 50 seconds that were long.  I lost it.  I thought I could use my breathing techniques but holy mother. The on call Dr. came in and affirmed what we knew.  The epidural was 100% gone.  They tried to get me to push but I couldn't.  I had nothing left.

They gave me the option to have a 2nd epidural with a 50% chance it would work; let me just say, I was no longer "depressed" about this option.  I said yes, it worked.  They had me rest for an hour and I started pushing around 9:30pm.  I was informed that Judah was "stuck" as he was sunny side up. After 1.5 hours of pushing with little progress, Dr. Coleman suggested forceps (think huge metal salad tongs).  They pulled Judah out with them.  I felt it.  It hurt.  But I was so happy to be experiencing a birth that ended in a live baby that I didn't care.

 Here is a pic of the little love right before heading home.  We were concerned from the first few hours he would be a grouchy little guy and this pic didn't help the concern.  Such a big scowl!

Today baby JT turns 4 months.  He loves to eat and almost weight 18 pounds.  I have only seen him roll over 3 times ever.  He giggles.  He spits up a lot.  He goes from 0-10 in 3 seconds with incredibly loud screams if he is hungry or tired.  He gives me 6-9 hour stretches at night.  I feel more attached to him than ever and I feel immense guilt going back to work.



This Christmas I returned to my childhood church, sitting in the same area I had sat just 3 years before.  Our carrier Becky and her husband Tom, along with my family all attended.  We sang this Christmas song called Hope Has Come and I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed with how far hope has carried us.  I saw my THREE little boys sitting among our group.  

It. is. well. 

Remembering

September 12, 2016

"There are three heartbeats."  I stared at the screen.  Darren and I had been through 7 failed IUIS, an early miscarriage after our first IVF, and a failed FET.  Despite his and the doctor's hesitations, I insisted on transferring 3.  I had had enough.  My body had had enough.  All I wanted was a child and the previous 4 embryos that made it through on the last two IVFs resulted in nothing.

Three heartbeats.  I knew instantly it was 2 boys and a girl.  Darren was white.  I was pumped.  Although I had a clue that multiples could come early, I didn't realize what that meant.  I didn't even know why "hitting 24 weeks" was a thing or a big deal.  I was just happy that after the years of struggle, the years of pain, injections, and tears that I would have a complete insta-fam within 9 months. 

I was also arrogant.  I was young, athletic, thin, and tall.  The doctors told me I had a perfect body for carrying three.  I LOVE challenges and I knew I could do it and I knew having three babies at once would be a challenge that I could face with joy.  A friend told me some random story of a woman who was pregnant with triplets and only 1 ended up living.  I said, I am pregnant with three, I will at least end up with 1 as well.

As we drove home I asked Darren "Why do you think God let all three stick now?  Why these ones, after all the failed ones before?"

He was quiet for a moment.

"Triplets will get a lot of attention.  Maybe God wants us to share our story so others can have hope and see His faithfulness." 

I smiled.  Yes.  That made sense.  By the time we got home we had already become so excited about this journey ahead of us and couldn't wait to tell our family.  The dream of becoming a mom was a reality.  I saw three heartbeats at 6 weeks, again at 7, then again at 8.  Strong ones.

At 9 weeks I spotted once.  I went in to be safe and sadly found out Baby B had miscarried that morning.  He was the same size as the other two.  I felt sadness but convinced myself that maybe it was for the best for the other 2. 

Jude and Brinly continued to grow as our dreams of boy/girl twins grew.  One of each.  I remember placing my hand on my stomach thanking God for His faithfulness and apologizing for ever questioning His goodness from all those painful years of ttc.

Most people know the story.  Something called pPROM that happens to literally .07% of people happened to us.  My water on my daughter broke at 17 weeks.  In the most horrific of events we chose to believe and trust Him for a miracle.  A week later her cord collapsed and killed her (no water to protect her).  I delivered her dead at 18 weeks.  I was awake for her delivery.  Brinly was not a miscarriage.  Many people refer to the twins as that and it stings.  She was 9 inches.  She had a face. 

I got an emergency cerclage to try to help my body stablilize and not labor Jude.  I was in the hospital on antibiotics 7 times a day for 10 days.  We begged God to let us make it to just 24 weeks where he could have a 50% chance survival.  Things looked hopeful but again, the things we only think of in our nightmares happened again.  Contractions.  Minutes before I delivered Jude I felt him move.  I actually said outloud "see you on the other side."  He was sick, my body was, and the impact of labor killed him.  My sweet stillborn son Jude Samuel Benson was born 1 day shy of 21 weeks.  Just 22 days away from MAYBE being able to live. 


That summer I thought our painful attempts to create a family were finally over, but they were only beginning.

An amazing friend Becky (who actually started a blog about her experience as a carrier, check it out here) carried our biological embryos 3 months after losing Jude and they were born 3 days before his 1 year old birthday. 

In the meantime while Becky was going through all the loop holes to become our carrier, I was drownding in grief and the desire to mother living children was becoming an obsession.  I did a few back to back IUIs out of desperation while waiting for her transfer.  Nothing worked, which led us to 11 failed IUIs. 

Noah and Beckom have healed our hearts in ways that words will never express.  While I think of Jude and Brinly daily, I don't live in the deep sadness that engulfed us after their death.  I feel awkward when people ask how many children I have or if they say "are you going to try for a daughter."  There are days when I still cry, if I really think about what happened.  But then I cry again when I remember the engraved scene in my end of the doctors pulling out my living sons from Becky's stomach-an overwhelming feeling of gratitude, humbleness, and thankfulness as I basked in the redemption that Jesus finally brought us. 

We had some frozen embryos left.  Despite my hellish pregnancy, I had not lost the desire to carry a child.  We had always wanted 3.  The doctors had told me that by transferring "just 1" and taking some precautions I would have a better chance.

This January 2016 we transferred our only female embryo, making it my 4th IVF.  She didn't implant.  This brought back some waves of emotions but we were determined to face infertility again.  We were able to grieve the idea of ever having a daughter here with us as it allowed us to know and choose that moving forward would mean another son.  This was helpful in the sense that we had time to see the pros of another boy/all boy family and get excited. 

We transferred again in March.  I had never done IVF so closely to each other and Darren and I had both agreed that if this 5th IVF didn't take that we would take a long break from the shots/hormones etc.  My gut told me from the beginning he would implant.  He did. 

When you know you have only boy embryos left and have been trying to conceive for almost 6 years, you have a lot of time to pick names. 

Darren and I always loved Jude and Judah.  Noah and Beckom's names are so meaningful to us because of the "rainbow" in the Bible and Beckom is a combo of Becky and Tom's names...this one though?  Judah.  During my 2 week wait I looked up the name.  Biblically Judah was the fourth son of Jacob and Leah.  He will be our fourth son as well. 

I would be lying if I didn't say that this pregnancy has been easy. I have lived on egg shells since the injections began.  For months and months I was convinced I was in pre-term labor or my water was breaking or I was miscarrying.  Besides delivering Jude and Brinly, this is mentally the hardest thing I have ever done.  Panic, fear, anxiety, have been a part of my daily life.  Choosing to try to carry again after stillborn twins born at different times brings up A LOT of PTSD that I didn't see coming.  It again challenges my faith.  But the idea of birthing a live child from my body, although it seemed impossible for years, is starting to look like a reality. 

I'll be posting a bit more about all that this rainbow pregnancy has entailed (including my surgery, MFM appointments, etc).  In the meantime I'm working on a new blog called "Raising Captain America."  I will be the mother to THREE boys who all happened to be frozen, just like him <3  My goal is to make Captain America their fav.


Here is us on transfer day, March 21 (notice I'm sporting the Cap. America shirt to support my little frozen baby boy).  If you want to see updates on little Noah and Beckom (TWO in November!) my Instagram is hbenson10

The Rest of the Frozen Embryos?

March 3, 2015

About two years into our infertility we did our first IVF which resulted in 6 "5 day" Blastocysts.  We transferred two and told since I was young and since these were such high quality-the odds of pregnancy were very high.  One embryo implanted but resulted in an almost immediate miscarriage (a blighted ovum) that eventually was removed via D&C.

We waited the three month minimum and went back for our first even frozen embryo transfer.  My lining was perfect, they de-frosted magnificently, and I was SURE at least one would stick.  My HCG at the beta blood test wasn't even one. 

Although we had two more frozen embryos from this cycle left, we were beginning to wonder if we had a "bad batch."  We had already paid a package for another fresh cycle, so we decided to move forward with that.  For those that have followed on long for awhile, this 2nd IVF result in 7 "5 day" Blastocysts and 2 "borderline" blasts they froze on day 6.  With four failures behind me in embryo world I boldly (and desperately) said:  Transfer 3.

All 3 stuck.  I saw it.  Three heartbeats.  I saw them at 6.5 weeks, 7.5 weeks, and at 8 weeks.  We were scared and thrilled all at once.  I began to get excited.  I had never seen heartbeats in my body and three???  I felt as if it was a miracle.  I loved them.  I like a good challenge and I was confident Team D and H could handle and succeed at raising triplets.  Long story short, I randomly miscarried one at 9 weeks exactly, went on with a healthy twin pregnancy of a boy and girl until my water randomly broke at 17 weeks-a rare and random condition call pPROM that impacts like .07% of the population.  I delivered my daughter Brinly at 18 weeks and my son Jude at 21 weeks.  Although 3 embryos took, I lost them all. 

In-between failed transfers and my triplet pregnancy, I would make sure to yell out "Hi babies, I love you!" Every time we drove by OHSU (where our frozen embryos are stored).  I partly yelled this because I did/do love them, and partly to annoy my husband. 

After losing my triplets, we had 8 frozen embryos left-2 from that first cycle were the previous ones didn't take, and 6 from the Jude and Brinly's cycle.  When our amazing friend Becky stepped forward to carry our embryos for us, we transferred 2 from the 2nd cycle and both took.  Noah and Beckom Benson were almost born to the date a year after I delivered their older brother Jude.

So, as a recap 4 embryos resulted in nothing but 1 very early miscarriage.
5 resulted in a pregnancy-w a 9 week miscarriage that may have related to triplets, so technically 4 pregnancies-I didn't lose Jude and Brinly due to bad embryo quality-it was due to lame cervix.

We are 4 for 9, under 50%

We have six left on ice (which are in theory our lowest quality ones but still with high grades).  We want to give them a chance but since I can never risk carrying twins again, the idea of transferring one. at. a. time. seems so overwhelmingly hard.  I can't do it emotionally.  I'm horrified of pregnancy and miscarriage.

We have decided to pay to have the embryos genetically tested and it will take place this month.

It's fascinating really.  They defrost all 6, and remove 1 cell and then refreeze them.  They send the 1 cell off to a genetic testing company where there they can determine some diseases, gender, and most importantly, if the embryo has the right amount of cells to become a successful pregnancy.  Although we have 6 great-rated blastocysts, it doesn't mean they would all implant.  If they are missing chromosomes, I would have another failed cycle or early miscarriage.

Obviously we are in no rush.  We are in love with our sons.  I guess my mind has been so infertility obsessed for these past 4 years, I want to know what we are dealing with.  I need to know.  I don't want to spend years wondering if any are normal.  If none are normal-we have our answer.  We can have closure and not a big "what if some day" hanging over our heads.

If a couple are normal than there are some frozen transfers in our future.  Even if there are some normal ones, they are not "guaranteed" success.  They are given 80% success rate in a fresh cycle-mine will have been frozen, de-frosted and biopsied, refroze, and then unfroze again-not exactly what happens in normal pregnancy.

We get the results by the end of the month.