Oh Baby, Baby: While I'm Waiting

While I'm Waiting

September 25, 2012

Got some really bad news recently from Darren's school bill that could change the course of IVF. We should have answers from them soon. Back to the dreaded land of the waiting.

I feel like so much of this journey has been WAITING. Waiting to see if I ovulate. Waiting to see if my progesterone is normal. The @$@#%@%@@ 2 Week wait. And now the IVF timing wait.

I have grown to hate the land of waiting because here the mind can take over. Fears become nightmares.

My pastor once said "Worrying is planning negatively for the future." It's true in theory, hard to actually put in practice. Guess God wants to teach me how to control my thoughts (this could be useful during my eventual IVF 2ww).

I did buy birth control today. It was so incredibly strange to hear the pharmacist say "use a backup plan for 7-12 days so you don't get pregnant." WOW. I have to go on BCP anyway before IVF so I might at well start it in case we decide to move forward this month.

This song couldn't be any more applicable to me right now. Here's the lyrics, youtube link is at bottom if you want to hear the song.

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I will move ahead bold and confident
I'll be taking every step in obedience, yeah

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint

And I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You Lord

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting

1 comment:

Hope- Our StorySeptember 26, 2012 at 5:19 AM
I love that song as well! I hope everything works out and you can go forward with IVF this cycle.
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Meet the Bensons

Hi! I'm Holly and Darren is my husband. We have been married 5 years; after our 11th fertility treatment in 2013 we lost triplets (2 were stillborns in the 2nd tri). It nearly destroyed us. The day I delivered my son a friend emailed us and offered to carry some of our biological remaining embryos. The transfer was a success and we had twin boys born almost exactly a year-to-the-date later than when I delivered my son. If I'm not blogging about our journey, I'm teaching high school Spanish, drinking Starbucks, hanging out with family, eating candy-and then working it off at the gym. If you ever need to contact me directly you can at hollybenson10@yahoo.com or if you want to see more into our daily lives, my instagram is hbenson10

Babies in Heaven

We have had two miscarriages and 2 stillborns (born 3 weeks apart). I'm 50/50 on naming the early miscarriages but it gives me a sense of peace and reality of their lives. In heaven, I will call for them.

Jaden lost 11/2012 blighted ovum (my sister gave me the idea for this name, it means "God has heard" and he had because it was our 1st pregnancy)

Isaac lost 8/2013 everything was perfect and then stopped at 9 weeks (my sister is law gave me this idea. Isaac means "laughter" and everyone's first reaction to us having triplets was laughter)

Infertility Treatment Journey

Me: 31 I have mild PCOS and ovulate very randomly (I respond to femera and on that have normal cycles)

Husband: 32 He has "lower" sperm count, low morphology 4% and low T

2000-Diagnosed with PCOS

3/15/2011-Got off pill

4,5,6/2011-Tried "naturally"

7/2011-Determined anovulatory (don't ovulate on my own) and low sperm count/low morphology

8/2011-50 MG Clomid, no O, BFN

9/2011-100MG Clomid, no O, BFN

11/2011-100 MG Clomid, no O, BFN

12/2011-150 MG Clomid, ovulated!!

12/2011- #1 IUI too early, IUI #2 three days later, BFN

1/2012-150 MG Clomid, false positive OPK, #3 IUI, no O, BFN

2/2012 No O

3/2012-5 MG Femera, No O, BFN

4, 5/2012-7.5 MG Femera, OVULATED!!! BFN

5-6/2012- 7.5 MG Femera, False Positive, IUI #4

6/2012, True O (4 days after fake one), IUI #5, BFN

7/2012, 7.5 MG Femera, 1st ever follicle scan (2 follies), 1st ever HGC shot, IUI #3 (but really #6) , BFN

8/2012, 7.5 MG Femera, HSG test (came back normal), IUI #7 on day of LH surge instead of day after, confirmed O (progesterone 25), BFN

9/2012, 7.5 MG Femera, Follicular scanning round 2, HCG shot, IUI #8, found out HCG shot hardly took (progesterone level on 5.5), BFN

9/26/2012 Start Birthcontrol for pending IVF cycle

9/28/2012 Trial Transfer at hospital, wait for IVF protocol

10/8/2012, Started first shots of LUPRON!!

10/20/2012, Started "stimulation" injections 125 ius of follistem in morning and 100ml menopur at night, lupron reduced to 10 ml at night.

10/30/2012, egg retrieval surgery day, 24 eggs retrieved!

10/31/2012, embryoligst called, 20 fertilized!

11/2/2012, pushing day 3 transfer to day 5 or 6, all 20 are still in the running!

11/4/2012, transfered 2 perfect scored embryos, only 4 extras made it to the "ice age" zone...10 day wait.

11/13 2012, #1 IVF took hpt BFP first one EVER
confirmed 11/14 bloodwork BETA 100

11/16 2012, last BETA check to make sure embryo is growing. Bad News, BETA #2 only 104

11/19 2012, BETA #3 only 134. Praying for a miracle but heartbreakingly dim hope

11/26 2012, BETA #4 881

11/28 2012, BETA #5 2021 FINALLY DOUBLED!!

12/4, 2012, ultrasound confirmed miscarriage, BFN

12/10 2012, D&C

1/08, 2013, started provera to induce period to start the LONG 7 week protocol for FET (projected date March)

1/16/2013, Cycle day 1 from provera

2/1/2013, Start 20ml Lupron injections to put everything to sleep

2/16/2013, Supressed. Reduced lupron to 10ml and taking estradial pills

3/1/2013, Lining check ultrasound was told lining looks "perfect" stop Lupron injections/start PIO

3/8/2013, Transfered two frozen embryos 1 4AA 1 4AB. 2 week wait begins

3/17/2013, #2 IVF (FET) BFN, hcg beta 1

4/10/2013, trying on our own! 7.5mg femera, O on CD #20, BFN

5/1/2013, 1 more month of "solo" 7.5 mg femera, O on CD #17, BFN

6/2013-Started Lupron till the 17th and then stimmed from June 29 to July 6-1 menopur vile nightly, started me on 100 iuis of follistem but quickly dialed me down to 50

7/2013, 17 eggs retrieved, 11 mature, 11 fertilized, 9 made it to blast-transferred 3: 2-4AA, 1-4AB, froze 6 to join our other 2 frosties (8 frosties total from the 2 IVFs)-BFP!!!

7/22 Beta #1 440 (9dp5dt)

7/24 Beta #2 939 (11dp5dt)

7/31 Beta #3 15,431 (18dpt5dt)

8/09/2013: TRIPLETS! 3 perfect heartbeats
8/16/2013 (7.5 weeks) 3 heartbeats on track

8/25 light spotting
8/26 Miscarriage of 1 triplet (fetal pole had completely stopped) :(

10/9/2013: It's a boy and a GIRL!!

10/22/2013:PPROM-water sac broke at 17 weeks :(

10/30-delivered my stillborn daughter at 18 weeks, 1 day

11/17-due to infection, I was forced to deliver Jude, our son at 21 weeks, also a stillborn

2/12/14-caught a random ovulation on CD 27. We will move towards medicated cycles as a next step...

3 and 4/14 strong ovulation with femera and Darren on clomid and back to back IUIs-BFN

5/18/2014-ovulated on own-BFN

6/2014 Trying to not "try" but I'm still looking for signs of O

7/2014 I ovulated around day 25, BFN

8/2014, ovulated around day 30, BFN

9/2014-gestational carrier is 24 weeks pregnant with our genetic twin boys so I start birth control to induce lactation

Infertility is...

Watching your husband playing with your friend's baby and
wishing you could give him one of his own.

Telling nurses to please take blood from your right arm because the veins in your left arm are all gone because of all the IVs you've had.

Avoiding people you haven't seen for a long time because you
don't want to hear the question, "Do you have any kids yet?".

Feeling very left out when your friends start comparing their
pregnancy or childbirth experiences.

Feeling like the whole town is pregnant except for you.

Getting tired of people always expecting you to do things
because "you don't have any kids to worry about".

Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing you could hear your baby crying.

Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren.

Wanting to fall apart if one other person says, "Why don't
you adopt?" Easy, right?

Sometimes avoiding friends who are pregnant or with newborns because you just can't handle the situation at that moment.

Every single time you babysit someone else's kid they go off about how you are getting "practice." I want my own child, I know how to change a diaper. Thanks.

Credits: How to Have a Baby: Overcoming Infertility

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