The 3 Hour Moment

August 26, 2013

Moments.  I cannot grasp the concept that sometimes (during really fun stuff like our cruise) a moment lasts a split second. Then, there are moments that seem to drag on for at least 3 hours each.  I'm experiencing those.

So far things have been going smoothly, but I'm not out of the "safe zone yet."  I literally day dream about September 16 if/when I hit that 12 week number to be able to be happy, excited, and announce my news to the world that perhaps this dream is coming to reality.  I know I know, nothing is guaranteed, not even after the babies are born, but 12 weeks is such a beautiful milestone.

I am a worrier and anything can set me into panic mood.  Last week after CAREFUL examination of toilet paper I swear there were 2 or 3 pin drops of red blood.  I called asking for an ultrasound.  My doctor convinced me it was probably nothing to worry about but said I could have another if any more bleeding continued.  It didn't.  Not another sign of those horrid red dots. 

I've also had a perfect amount of morning sickness: not enough to make me puke but enough to let me know something is going down.  A few days it got bad so I took Zofran (this anti nausea pill that is safe).  I wasn't forewarned that Zofran basically is the complete opposite of exlax.  Do you catch my drift?  I haven't really gone to the bathroom in like SIX days.  This isn't a complaint, its a fear.  I've taken a ton of stuff and nothing.  I don't feel stomach pain but whatever.

So Friday I take Zofran and actually do stuff the whole day, get ready to host my SIL's baby shower, go grocery shopping, pick up the last (praise the Lord) of my PIO injections, clean, etc.  Saturday I don't take anything and feel 100% I run the shower no problem, clean the house, eat GASP donut holes...and what do I do?  Freak out.  Loss of symptoms!  Loss of symptoms!!  This could be bad! I've felt dead and tired and miserable the last 2 weeks and today I randomly feel perfect. 

I ask Darren to pray my morning sickness will come back. He stares at me in disbelief closes his eyes and asks the big man upstairs that tomorrow Holly will feel "better slash worse."  It was funny but I was serious.

Yesterday I did feel worse and I was happy although I decided NOT to take Zofran unless I'm desperate.  Dar and I stayed up late discussing an article we had read dissing some Christian leaders I like.  At midnight I went to the bathroom and of course couldn't go #2 GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.  But then I noticed PINK on the toilet paper.  Not a pin drop.  Pink spotting.  Again.  Three times.  I hate these moments.  My heart starts racing and I feel numb. 

It only happened then.  No more through the night no more this morning, but I've been on the phone demanding they hook me up.  I know I can't control it, but I want to know what's going on.  In my heart and after some googling I think the spotting could have been from all the pain of trying to go to the freaking bathroom (I read lots of women who had this) but then you find those articles saying "my miscarriage starting with pink..."I hate it.  I know I have to reach a point of I'm not in control at all, God is.  He will do what is best for all of us and He has a plan for each life inside but holy mother, enough scares!

Now as I wait for the call, and HOPEFULLY the ultrasound today, each moment feels like 3 hours.


  1. Praying for you guys. I hit 12 weeks Wednesday and still have this huge fear that something is going to happen before then or shortly after. I think after everything (and you've been through more than me) you are just paralyzed with fear about what will happen.

    I did have bleeding & cramping with this pregnancy along with a few scares, and ended up getting diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma. No one wants to see blood, I think there should be this body response for infertiles that you are not allowed to bleed no matter what, even if it is normal it is NOT normal for us. We think it's bad and think the worst.

    PS I still have awful issues with um...the bathroom. And when I first started bleeding they mentioned that straining caused it. I know it's bad but I wish we could fast forward to certain milestones and checkpoints and get to 24 weeks and then let time pass naturally. This is all so scary. I don't even care what anyone says!

    1. Fellow infertile now 18 wks. My doctor gave me miralax to help me "go" and also told me I could take Colase. Both have REALLY helped me. I had a miscarriage at 13 wks last year and started spotting at wk 11 with this pregnancy due to a placenta previa. Praying for you girls!!! I'm cupcake23 on insta. I don't have a google acct.

  2. I am praying for you and your little ones! While I have never had spotting during a pregnancy, I went through IVF at OHSU like you and ended twins from the process (8 months old now), you are in good hands! Please keep us updated!

  3. If it makes you feel any better, I also had #2 issues during the earlier part of my pregnancy, and I had a bit of bleeding from the straining and "traumatic" exit. Groan. I highly recommend Myralx to help bring water to your bowels, as well as daily consumption of fiber gummy chews. Both have helped immensely. (Check to see if both are compatible with Zofran, of course.) I understand... I am about to hit the 36-week mark and I still worry. It's so hard not to. Sending good thoughts your way that all is well with your little beans!!

  4. So glad you are taking the Zofran! It really is a lifesavor. I had the same problems on it, but once I got the problem "fixed" the first time (granted after over a week!) I just kept taking stuff the rest of my pregnancy and it really helped. Can't wait to hear about your ultrasound praying for you!

  5. Congrats on your pregnancy! I am a new followers, and I have also just recently beat infertility and am expecting my first after 4 years of trying, multiple ivf cycles, etc.

    Hope you start to feel better soon!! Pop by and say hi sometime!!


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