Ultrasound #2, 7 weeks 4 days

August 16, 2013

Today we got to go back and make sure the hearts were still a-beating.  I am so thankful that I get these extra "peeks" into the womb but I would be lying if I said that I'm 100% confident all is well each time.  For people that have been following our story, they know by now that I struggle with fear and worry.  I felt really really nervous.

The ultrasound tech started on the abdominal and could instantly verify the heartbeats were still beating.  She gave me the option of vaginal and I took it-it would give more info.  She said the heartbeats at this point should be between 120-180.  Considering last week they were around 130, this time the lowest was 154 and the highest was 177.  We still haven't got to hear it yet but seeing it does wonders for my worrying mind.

I had my first pre-natal visit on Wednesday (I was with the OBGYN for 1.5 hours).  She would not drop the idea of selective reduction.  She went on to say not to do it till 10 weeks because lots of times multiples miscarry on their own (this doesn't help my anxiety).  I know selective reduction is a personal choice but for us, it's against our own values.  We were lucky enough to choose to "risk" having more than 1 knowing the extra risks that come.  Honestly, I did think I would get more than 1 considering 4 perfect embryos before didn't stick, but as a strong believer, I also knew God had the final say in how many implanted.  I know many women struggle with this because they think "it has taken me forever to get pregnant, I just want ONE" they want (and deserve) a smooth pregnancy since the road was so bumpy.  I have peace about where we are at and like I said I get that the have to talk about SR to me, but I'm done with it.  She told me the specialists will talk to me too (and I've gotten the speech from the RE). 

I read a story of a couple that got pregnant w/ triplets and the wife insisted on selective reduction-the husband was against it.  She said she would terminate all 3 if he didn't let her terminate 2.  He explained watching it and actually said you could see the little babies "swimming away" from the needle.  The husband was really sad about the whole process.  It was heartbreaking.  From a medical view I get it, though as mentioned I personally don't agree.  Having twins or triplets can put the others in danger and they almost look at it as saving a life/lives to eliminate 1 and give the other 1 or two a better chance.  But SR can also cause miscarriage to the other.  Heck to the no.

Thankfully we live in a time where the NICUs are stronger than ever.  My husband was born at 29 weeks in 1982...things are much more advanced.  Although I feel guilty that my babies (God willing they all make it) will be premature, I am grateful that there is great technology and support.  Since I'm considered high risk I'm getting referred to a hospital across the bridge in Portland and their NICU is the 3rd largest in the West.

As mentioned, one of the "blessings" of high risk is that I get to be monitored way more often.  I'm hardly 8 weeks and have got to see the heartbeats twice.  I get to go back the first day of school (I'll be 10.5 weeks) to see how things are progressing. 

I've trained my brain to pray the same thing each day I wake up.  I have several fears in several categories:

1.  1st trimester: what if I miscarry one?
2.  1st trimester: the OBGYN said +1 can mean X2 symptoms.  I'm so worried about how I'm going to teach with the way I feel (dead tired and nauseous).  Spanish is a bit trickier because we have a big program and if I'm out a lot, it can mess stuff up for other teachers. 
3. premature-early labor-with multiples sometimes women go into labor like at 22 weeks.  That is a death sentence.

As I give God each fear, I constantly acknowledge that I have NO control over any of these outcomes.  It is His choice to give or take away.  Same with the premature thing.  Yes, I can go on bed rest, and not have sex, and not exercise, and eat healthy, but HE is the one who has already chosen the minute.  I have to daily remind myself of these things.