Big Mouths and Heartbeats

August 13, 2013

I cannot stop listening to "Lord I need You" by Matt Maher.  One of my favorite lines is "teach my soul to rise to you, when temptation comes my way."  I feel like since I'm still smack dab in the middle of the first trimester, my greatest temptation is allowing my mind to go down and down and down the "what if" and "worse casenario" track.  I hate it so bad.  I feel so guilty for it.  After nearly 3 years I finally have my prayers of answered of being pregnant, but all I can think of is watching the clock to make it to 12 weeks.  I know that 12 weeks doesn't guarantee a single thing but sheesh!  I have to teach my soul to rise to Him instead of just being so worrisome. 

When we saw the heartbeats and were told they were strong, it was to hard not to tell more people outside immediate family.  I had to tell some of my best friends who knew we were cycling.  I gave my mom and MIL permission to tell close friends. 

I did IVF alone.  It was less stressful for me to just cope with it on my own and not tell family/friends.  I'm kind of private (would you have guessed that considering I bare my soul online? ;).  It was so nice telling them it worked instead of having to mass text the entire world that it failed.  But I'm only 7 weeks and 1 day.  I so long for the 12.  My mother in law works at a big company connected to my parents church.  The whole company knows now.  We weren't going to tell my husbands cousins till 10 weeks but they got a phone call too.  I'm not mad, I know people are excited and its hard to keep quiet.  But I am a bit stressed just since I'm not in the kind of "safe zone" yet.  I'm even guilty of telling random people at work in the district that I rarely see (ie I ran into my high school basketball coach and just let it out when she asked if we had kids). 

Big mouths.  Me included.  I feel stressed more people "know" than planned, but it is what it is and I'm trying NOT to think about it.  If I tell anyone I basically am very cautious and say "it's still early"  "miscarriage rates for multiples is higher in the first tri so one day at a time" "we are happy, but we are waiting."  It annoyed my husband at first.  He was like "stop doing disclaimers.  You are pregnant, accept it."  But then I think he got it once I explained the stats.  The RE did say that I'm in a great position since the beats were strong and that I'm a great candidate for multiples since I'm in my twenties (cough cough for like 2 more months) and tall (5'9'').  I of course ask everyone to pray.  Pray for their safety.  My sanity.  To guard and protect those sweet little miracles as they grow. 

In the other update world since I do currently have +1 in the belly I immediately have to see a specialist called a perinatologist because I'm considered high risk.  However, there is silver lining to this.  Since I'm "high risk" they do way more scans/checkups/check-ins and I get to do another ultrasound this Friday at 7.5 weeks.  I think throughout the pregnancy they do way more ultrasounds which is a blessing to my crazed brain.  I'm so nervous because I want them all.  After seeing the heartbeats they feel so real.  I never got to see this in our first pregnancy.  I cry at the thought of where I currently am and know that I don't deserve a thing.  I cannot stop thanking Jesus for the miracle He is allowing to happen and begging Him to let them ALL stay safe and sound.  I keep apologizing for my doubt and fear.  God, teach my soul to rise to you!!

Thanks for all the prayers from you guys too!! There are days I feel crazy peace and I know its from the believers lifting us up.  I pray for so many of you by name that God will move and answer your prayers too as we all fight this beast.

I don't like plastering positive tests all over the place but I took this one just because it represents the fight a bit.