Too Little, Too Late

December 4, 2012

Today God answered our prayers, it was just with a "not right now." 

The line between hope and miscarriage has been so thin, so intense, so scary.  It's caused me to cry, lose my breath, laugh, pray, hope, doubt, fear, trust, shake.

I'm 6 weeks, 6 days today.  And there was nothing but 1 empty sac on the ultrasound window.  The sac was too little, the hcg numbers went up too late. 

There is this song by Pink called "Try" and the lyrics have been stuck in my head: 

 Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try

It is so true.  When there is desire, there is flame, and the risk of being burned is high.  I feel like we got burned. It hurts, it stings.  But it heals.  I like the reminder that "it doesn't mean youre going to die."  Sometimes when life is kicking me and I'm feeling depressed (aka now), I need to remind myself I'm not going to die.

First off, I thank God that I was somewhat prepared for this.  I knew it would have to be a miracle but I also knew that things were not looking promising.   I can't imagine walking in all happy and joyful and then seeing the empty sac.  However, that doesn't erase the crazy sting of the words "that's were the baby should be." and "I'm so sorry."

Second, yesterday in my devotions I came across:

"Rather than trying to take control of your life, abandon yourself to My will.  Though this may feel frightening-or ever dangerous, the safest place to be is My will."

I am a Christian so I don't have much choice to trust His plans.  I don't think it's God's will for miscarriage, but we will in a fallen world.  He knew it would happen and He knows the master plan.  I have to rest that He is in control.

Third, I'm actually hoping it's a blighted ovum or chemical (though they don't think it's chemical since the numbers grew).  I don't want to see the baby when I get my period.  I cannot bear that thought.

My heart is really heavy.  I have been pregnant for awhile, for the first time.  I think the deepest fear is never becoming pregnant.  I mourn the loss of these babies, but I also fear that the next try and the next will result in this type of pain.  Amazing how IVF can produce some extreme emotions of joy and sorrow and amazing how in one shot, I've tasted both sides of it.

I'm trying to be strong, trying to look ahead.  Four frozen embryos, future, hope.  But I will also have to deal with the loss I am currently suffering.  I hated telling my husband.  That look of dissapoint is heartbreaking. 

We serve a God who GIVES and TAKES away.  Thank you so much to all of those who have held us in prayer.  We will hopefully be going after our little frozen babies in the early new year.