The Anger Stage

December 6th, 2012

I know grieving has 5? steps?  I never really went into denial.  I guess I'm kind of doing that now, trying to tell myself it's just a period, it's just a period.   IVF in February.  A few more months.  You won't see anything, there is nothing to see.

I don't really get angry.  Honestly, I hardly ever feel "anger."  I always joke that at work in a high school sometimes I should be angry so I "act" upset (aka if kids are messing around) but I'm usually more entertained.  However, when I do feel anger, it quickly turns to deep deep sadness. 

I don't want to feel the sadness, it's too ugly.  Uncomfortable. 

I read on a blog or article that some women need MONTHS to try again while others find the best therapy to jump on the baby makin' bandwagon ASAP.  I'm think I'm option 2.

Here is where the Deep Sadness Anger Stage comes in:

I had to schedule an appt with my normal OBGYN yesterday to discuss miscarriage options.  Of course there was a gorgeous glowing 5 month old pregnant women next to me in waiting room.

I went to check in, and went through the regular, "yes address still the same" and "no, no other insurance" and then the secretary got a sweet smile and looked up at me and said in a really happy voice "is this for a pregnancy?"  For some reason, that was the straw that broke the camels back.  Up till then, I had been really strong (aka no crying) yesterday.  I smiled back sadly and said "no miscarriage" and my voice cracked and I felt the tears.  Just not how I imagined it to be dreaming of being a mommy as a little girl.

I think the most shocking thing about this process is actually understanding the horrors of a miscarriage.  Oh sure, we have all heard of them.  They happen.  A lot.  I just always thought "how sad" and assumed it was a heavier period.  I even expected that with myself, before the appt. I had convinced myself that since the sac is so small, it will pass, naturally, easily.  I had been lying to myself.

The dr. came in and said there was still suspicion of an ectopic (growing in ovaries) due to a cyst on the ultrasound (something different then the sac).  She then asked if they could do ANOTHER biopsy (if you remember, I had a colposcopy about 2 months ago) instantly.  She said they would get some tissue from the lining and use it to rule out ectopic.

Before I knew it, there I was again, in the stirrups, getting pieces cut out.  I was alone.  My legs were shaking and I was staring at the ceiling and that was the first and only time so far I heard myself think "why me, it's not fair."  It is fair.  This happens to 1 in 5 women.  I'm not except.  I guess i had just convinced myself that I wouldn't miscarry out of God's grace since it took us 2 years and 9 treatments to get to the positive HPT.

Besides the biopsy, the worst part for me is the decision in how to move forward.  Here are our options:

1.  See if it happens naturally.  This one freaks me out.  A.  Because they don't know when it could happen.  It might be tomorrow, but it could take WEEKS.  I have a friend who went through it naturally and she said she had contractions (she was  few weeks ahead of me but not much).  We are going to Disneyland next weekend and I don't want that.  I don't want to see it.  I don't want to just wait.  I want to move on.  But the hard part is its natural.  Its at home.  I feel like I owe my body some type of break from all the drugs and treatments.

2.  D and C.  This is a surgery where they go in, put you to sleep and clean it all out.  It's done.  You bleed a bit but it ends the misery of waiting.  However, its a freaking surgery.  More anestia, more missed work.  There is a 1% chance I could have some scrapped too hard and seriously damaged.  there is a chance it could weaken my uterus.  Not exactly a good thing for us during this battle.

3.  Take a pill that helps me have it naturally and speeds it up.

I'm really really sad I'm facing these choices.  I hate them all.  I love my baby, but I am ready to get everything out and move on.  Tomorrow we will decide once we get biopsy results.  I've started spotting from stopping the PIO shots, but that doesn't guarantee the miscarriage is on its way.  They said I could bleed for weeks if I go natural.  The thought of holding on to this and the dreaded waiting kills me.

I'm not trying to scare people.  Friends and doctors alike said its a personal choice.  Some find healing in the passing of it natural where others want to be done.  I just didn't picture myself having to make these choices, and that makes me angry, which makes me so sad. 

For those that follow me, they know I'm not a "debbie-downer" I'm really not.  I've been smiling all day at work and I refuse to curse God.  This is just the reality of where I am now.  I will be better once I can close this chapter and move forward. 

Since this is my anger stage post, I just got to say two more rants:

1.  I was once guilty of saying "at least you know you can get pregnant" to a friend that went through a miscarriage and I even said that to myself.  I know my body can implant an embryo, that is good news BUT for some reason, "at least you know you can get pregnant" coming from non-infertiles stings. Why?  Because I don't know if I can ever just go on and get pregnant.  We have 2-3 more shots with IVF.  Its insanely expensive and the most intense thing I can do to get pregnant.  So in a since, (read sarcastically) ya! great!  I know i can get pregnant . I just have to pay 10k each time.  No big deal...

2.  I know that everyone has their story and their feelings.  I used to be frustrated with women that were miserable and suffering from secondary infertility.  I mean, they have a child!!  My prayer is just ONE God. But I realized it was wrong of me to judge those emotions.  However, 2 people (I think had good intentions), with kids of their own, have tried to relate to me by saying "I had a thick period once and I'm sure it was a miscarriage" and they tell me how sad they felt.  We are talking people that never saw a positive hpt and got a period like a day late.  And you are trying to relate to me?  You know how I feel?  Try sobbing during sex because its so stressful.  Try 100 injections.  Try 8 failed IUIS. Overstimulated ovaries.  Surgery.  Biopsy.  1093839 vaginal ultrasounds.  8786 trillon blood draws. A CONFIRMED pregnancy and 7 weeks later losing it and then having to choose how to deal with the "thick period".  I get you felt sad, but come on.

All I know is that this is over.  There is hope for the future.  I want to move on.  I found this quote and I'm so not into "tupac" or the "f-word" but I love it.  It's almost like tough love.  And yes, my dear readers, don't worry.  I know I can be sad for now. I know I can mourn, and I am.  But there comes a point where you just have to let go and move the #$#% on.  Otherwise you get stuck.

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