Peace OUT 2012!

December 29, 2012

For those that often read my blog, I always talk about how horrible/unnatural opposites can feel when they collide.  Fire and ice.  Black and white.  Hope and fear.  Basically 2012 has been just that: Joy and pain.

This year has been amazing and horrible.  Only horrible in the sense that so much revolved around infertility, so much money, tears, emotion, hope, loss, pain, fear, stress, anger, and deep deep sadness.  After 7 IUIS (this year) and a POSITIVE pregnancy test after round 1 of IVF all to end in miscarriage basically brought me to rock bottom.  But this is the beauty of fresh starts, a new year.  So in regards to the rough patches, I say "peace out 2012."

But one can't complain about the ugliness without seeing the beauty.  2012 was also amazing.  Darren got to go to Paris for free (incentive through the program I planned our school Spain trip to) and then we went to Spain, Morocco, and Disneyland together. 

Darren graduated!  This was a 12 year process and he walked!

We paid his entire school as he went (22 K) and managed to knock out a whole bunch of extra student loan debt.  When we got married, he had acquired 127,000 in LOANS!! He had made some bad choices as an 18 year old and took out big time debt over the next several years.  However, we have been doing Dave Ramsey and after 3 years of marriage only owe about 30k.  This is a miracle.  (It also made it easier taking out the IVF loan, we are experts with them ;).  Darren just got a 10,000 raise/promotion so God is definitely providing a way to pay our debts.

We've been able to remodel a bit in the house as well which is always a great feeling, and I ALMOST met my goal of reading the whole Bible in a year (I'm on November 27 in the daily year Bible). 

I'm so grateful for the beautiful life God has given us and for such a caring/supportive husband.  I have to remind myself to dwell on these things instead of the heartache.  To be honest though I am at a weird spot spiritually.  I'm not mad at God at all but I have lost some desire/purpose to pray.  I figure, He will do what He is going to do.  I know it's a bad attitude and the Bible says to knock knock knock knock but my HANDs hurt from knocking.  I don't want to say I'm complacent, but I'm so "hard" from all the loss/negatives that I have to guard myself even though every single day I think about our "snow babies" and February.

We do have 3 more tries with IVF left.  As I said before (stolen from a fellow blogger) I'm praying two things:
1.  God's will.
2. My heart's desire and God's will to finally be the same.