The Waiting Room

November 26, 2012

What a crazy string of emotions it's been since last Monday.  Last Monday, as mentioned, my HCG levels went up (from 104 to 134 in 3 days) and the RE said, "Let's give it a week and to get an ultrasound next Monday (today) to check in."

To cope, I've allowed myself to "mourn" my babies.  Although still inside me, I know things look very very dark.  I believe in a God of miracles but I also believe in a God that does His plans over mine. 

I have always thought it was "weird" to name babies before they are born, but I've done it. 

I have always thought it was "weird" to want to have a funeral or memorial service for early miscarriage.  I've planned one.

I have always thought it "strange" how some people can be so deeply saddened by the loss of babies that didn't even have a heartbeat yet.  I've sobbed, I pleaded in prayer, I have felt like I've tasted death.

Infertility redefines us at the core.

Today I went to Kaiser (my insurance doesn't cover IVF stuff) to get the ultrasound.  It was just a lab tech.  I got my blood work done at Kaiser as well.  I was in the waiting room forever.  Then waiting in the ultrasound room forever also.  I thought "the waiting room" would be the perfect name for an IF blog.

They put my OBGYN on the phone.  She actually seemed hopeful.  She said my numbers are not great but she has seen them develop into normal pregnancies.  The lab tech couldn't detect much but they THOUGHT they MIGHT have seen something in the uterus but too early to detect. 

It's been a week but my levels went up to 891.  They are increasing.  She said this is good although still a "little low."  The RE called and said I'm in the grey area, they are not sure what to make.  They don't think it's chemical because that usually dies off fast...

So many people have recommended Te book "A Jesus Calling" to me and I finally got it.  Here is the first one I read a few days ago when I was at a low point:

I was sure today would be the day I could let go, mourn, cry, sob, and then try to move on.  But the only answer I got was repeat blood test Wednesday.  God could be doing a miracle.  Or He could be putting me through trials to refine me...but for now, I'm stuck in the "waiting room."

Thank you so much for the continued prayers.  Lord, hear us knock, do a miracle, and save the lives of my babies.