42 Days and 42 Nights

October 28, 2013

18 weeks pregnant, 6 days past rupture

My motto for this fight:  Finchè c'è vita c'è speranza:  Where there is life, there is hope.

Today, I'm 18 weeks.  42 days and 42 nights away from 24 weeks, which is our current goal.

If I haven't said it I have a condition called PPROM.  It's mid-trimester premature rupture of membrane.  As mentioned, it happens to .04-.07% of pregnant people.  I kind of have to smile at this (my only choice in the matter) because when people give me stats like that, I don't spend 1 ounce of my brain power worrying about it.  When I hit 12 weeks I read that I had less than 1% chance of any hiccups.  We naturally assume that won't be us. 

The last few days have been incredibly hard for a variety of reasons.  I'm on like 8 different emotional roller coasters:  I range from hope to doubt, fear to courage, faith to panic.  So many women have sent me stories of PPROMers with great results.  In the comments I've been sent to stories of women who beat the odds and held on.  I have also been sent stories of women who went into labor days after the rupture.  There's a support website I checked out and it had 70 stories for women who PPROMED at 17 weeks.  Some made it out with healthy babies, others did not.  I think the most devastating out of all the devastating possibilities would be to make it to 22 of 23 weeks and then infection or labor.  The majority of these stories tell of women going into labor at 19 or 20 weeks.  After all these years of trying, crying, hoping, praying and to know that I am FORTY TWO days away from the hope of raising my child feels insane.  Just over a month.  We are so close.

The Dr. gave me several studies and all the stats were different.  Most women go into labor within 48 hours 75% but then it said up to 88% will go into labor within 28 days.  My OB told me 8 days is the average.  Then I read 2-5 weeks.  I need 6.  Come on body, hold on.  Come on Lord, use this platform to perform a miracle. 

I've been trying to drink 1.5-2 gallons of water a day in hopes of Brinly catching some.  I leak a lot.  The leaking kills me each time.

Another strange phenomena has occurred as well:  my awareness/sensitivity to pregnant people.  I hate it.  When Darren and I broke up in college, we had been in a 2 year relationship.  I remember the first time I went to college youth group I was suddenly very aware of being single and very aware of men around me (this had been shut off for years).  I realized I did the same thing with pregnancy.  For once I could talk "baby talk" with my sister and sister in law with no one feeling awkward or like they were on eggshells.  I was in the mommy club.  24 hours before my water broke I parked in the "Stork Parking" at Babies R US and got to spend 2 hours holding the registering gun that I had earned and dreamed of (this is how I wanted to celebrate my 30th birthday).  When I was at the specialist, a pregnant woman walked by and the sting caught me off guard.  The jealously.  The longing for that.  Then I remembered I'm still pregnant too.

That's the other ridiculous emotion going on.  My stomach.  I'm tall but was DYING to show. I could
kiss anyone who said "you're getting big" and I cherished my growing belly because it was my miracle and evidence that this wasn't some crazy dream.  Maybe I idolized it?  If someone said "You don't look pregnant" it was equivalent to "you're super ugly!" lol.  Because of the water breaking my stomach is way smaller.  Like 12 weeks small.  And it breaks my heart. 

Lastly, some women have been telling me how "strong" I am  (thank you by the way).  The funny thing is this is not a choice.  Some people say "I could never do what you've done/are going through." I've always said that too; all my life I've said I could never deliver a dead child.  God willing, that is NOT the ending to my story, but if for some reason part of His plan, I will be strong by choice because there honestly is no other option.

So, 42 days and 42 nights.  Here we go.  One day at a time.  I surrender it all to Him.  Whether you believe in Jesus and the peace He offers or not, this worship song is my heart cry to him today.