Not For a Moment

October 13, 2013

I was driving to work on Friday (my whole 2 mile commute) and was listening to the Christian radio station.  Lyrics jumped out at me "Even when I could not see in the middle of it all" and "Every tear every cry every prayer, in my hurt at my worst" and then "Not for a moment did YOU forsake me."  It was strange.  When I heard that I had flashbacks of laying on the table for an IUI again and again and again.  My mind brought back the cold hospital room that I woke up in after the D&C to clean out our first miscarriage.  I remembered the tears and the pain and the wondering.

I've been blogging for almost two years and in the first year I did a post called "Remember Me."  In all the infertile stories in the Bible it always mentions God "remembering" someone and then answering the prayer. Even as a strong believer, there were thousands of moments in this 3 year journey where I wondered where He was, and doubted He cared. 

There are some things we cannot understand on this earth...why??  Why is a question I still struggle with.  I follow so many people in so many different stages of this fight.  Some have beaten infertility's ugly face and have sweet little babies at home.  Others have been at it for years and still hold on to the faith.  Others are very very angry, frustrated, and lost.  Why?  Why do we even get the positive pregnancy test if it's going to end in miscarriage?  Why does something as crazy advanced as IVF still fail?  Why do we see the heartbeat once and not always again?  Why did it even implant in the first place?  I don't know.  BUT, I'm a firm believer that if you call yourself a Christian you are 100% or 100% out.  This doesn't mean we can't shake our hands at the heavens and cry out why?  Or feel angry, or question, or be scared.  But like the song says:  After all You are constant, After all You are only good , After all You are sovereign at the end of it all I have to remind myself He works all things together for the good of those who love Him.

After the flashbacks of the shots, pills, treatments, losses, false hopes, other people pregnant all around me, the heartache, the fear, the questioning, the blood, the sweat, the soaking wet pillow, I remembered that Not for a moment did he forsake me.  I don't know why IVF #3 was the "one" He chose, but He had chose that before time.  Tonight I was taking a bath and my stomach is clearly sporting  a little belly.  I didn't believe it for a second. Is this another dream?  Is this actually going to work?  I started crying in pure humbleness and thanks that God is actually doing this for us. 

Wherever you are in the journey-just starting out ttc, worn, tired, weary, taking shots, saving for treatments, praying for guidance, hoping, worrying, wondering, dreaming-keep going.  I pray someday  it will all make sense the route to motherhood God has planned for you (surprise miracle, IUI, IVF, adoption, foster, donor, surrogate, etc.).


Lastly, I leave you with a little "Chicken Soup for the Infertile Soul" (does that exist yet?)  Seriously, this story moved me to tears= this is truly a "triumph-loss" story. 
http://www.today.com/moms/mixed-bag-triumph-loss-one-moms-varied-path-motherhood-4B11204962

"Not For A Moment (After All)"

[Verse 1]
You were reaching through the storm
Walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all
When I thought You were a thousand miles away
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Not for a moment did You forsake me [Chorus]
After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me
[Verse 2]
You were singing in the dark
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me
[Chorus]

And every step every breath you are there
Every tear every cry every prayer
In my hurt at my worst
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Even in the dark
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me
After all
[Chorus]
Not for a moment will You forsake me