What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

April 5, 2012

CD 21, no positive opk yet.

Today is hard.  This is such a process of hope and doubt and surprise and disappointment.  I recently have been feeling like I was going to ovulate and almost shocked when the digital tester came back negative.  It's difficult because I feel like I'm wasting time.  If this cycle is a "bust" I want to move on to the next.  I HATE that I have to wait 40 + days to restart a new cycle and then wait another 20 to see if I even ovulate.  It puts SO much pressure on the positive days for us to "do it" because the opportunities are so few and far in between.

Being pessimistic, it's April and I have only officially ovulated once (New Years) this entire year :(  I wish I could go right to IVF, but I know we haven't tried long enough.  Plus, IVF is its own "can of worms" with the trillions of shots and hormones they put you on, not to mention, the price of a house down payment. 

Kaiser offers free counseling to people struggling, I think I need to go.  Sometimes its hard being a woman because I am 100% constantly aware of the ache and fear inside me.  I even dream about it.  Even in my  happiest of moments, I am aware.   

My only options are to chose to hope or despair.  I'm not going to sugar coat this.  It really SUCKS.  But maybe this month I'll still O or maybe next month the next dosage will do the trick...

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