Saline Infusion Sonogram (SIS)

June 3, 2013

My RE suggested getting a SIS before starting our next cycle.  I was iffy as I've had every other test in the book and it's been fine.  Getting my uterus filled with dye didn't exactly sound like a "fun" way to spend a Monday afternoon.  My insurance covered half so Darren and I decided that we should just do it for "peace of mind."

The procedure was similar to and IUI but they filled my uterus with dye.  It was pretty uncomfortable and the doctor was super young and super new and he couldn't figure out how to get the spectrum out (my worst nightmare).  Everything was "clear" and I'm so thankful for that.

On the drive home though, a huge wave of sadness hit me.  Like the 2 and half years of failed procedures and the 2 and half years of incredibly invasive procedures (like the SIS) just kind of landed on my shoulders.  Tears streamed down my face in frustration of lives's injustice.  I know God doesn't owe me a thing, but going through the process is hard.

Today I was proctoring a state test at work and the math teacher's quote on his desk caught my eye.  It said:

"Sometimes life feels like we are driving a bicycle through a carwash."

I loved it!  This doesn't just apply to infertility.  This applies to everyone in some season.  The beauty of it is that although it's scary, creepy, painful, uncomfortable, you are being "cleaned" in the process.  I have to believe that God's promises are true.  In Isaiah he says "I will not cause suffering without something new being born."  He doesn't promise comfort, he doesn't promise a perfect life, but he does promise something new after suffering.  I was reading the book of Job and the study guide mentioned that when God allows His children to suffer, we often question his goodness.  It goes on to say this is exactly where Satan wants to discourage us-in that moment-to question if God is good. 

For some reason I've read several blogs this week of writer's annoyed with complaining.  Complaining can be very painful of course (like a pregnant friend complaining to me for example) but I also believe that sometimes venting is necessary.  It's real life.  Thank goodness my dear hubby listens, but sometimes, after I've repeated my complaints and worries to him to the level of seeing his eyes glaze over, I write.  I hope that through my pain, and venting, and honesty that I come across as a person TRYING to remain hopeful and positive despite the mounding fear behind.

Next steps in our process?  I have to be honest, I'm so jealous of some of the bloggers I follow.  Their RE let's them jump right in and get to the stims! I would love to just jump all in.  I called our RE office because we would like to move forward.  The nurse said if we started now it would be an 8 week protocol??? What?? It was 6 last time I did a fresh? I'm the type of person that just likes to get stuff over with and with everything a floating in the unknown future, I get anxious.   Due to scheduling they want me to be on BCP and then 17 days of lupron before starting anything.  I guess this is called the "long protocol."  I emailed my RE directly and asked if there was any way to shorten the lupron part since I was only on it 10 days last time and completely surpressed.  This request annoyed the nurse and she called me back to let me know that this isn't an option (she seemed annoyed).   It actually hurt that she was "short" with me.  I'm so vulnerable right now I wish she could have been more gentle about it.  In the world of infertility when you are waiting for results it can feel like years.  I guess I just had mentally calculated I would be doing a transfer like July 1.  Looks like I won't be getting to "this moment" till the end of July or early August. I know God is teaching me over and over again that I am not in control.

 I don't think I'm going to put dates or specifics on my blog this time.   I'm so nervous about everything that I feel like if I keep it secret (from the entire world except my husband and the doctors) that it might feel less real.  I am terrified of what can come.  I am thankful of what can come.  But at the end of the day I know it really only matters if God says "yes" or "no" and nothing I do/don't do can change that.  I am hopeful His will and ours allign this time!