It Was Another Lifetime and It Was Yesterday

May 12, 2015

"Sometimes infertility feels forever ago, and then someone announces the Stick Turned Blue and I’m right back in the emotions, the longing, the feeling left out.  It was another lifetime and it was yesterday.  A part of me will always be that woman with her face pressed up against the glass looking in on what she can’t have."  - Melanie Dale

I came across this article above felt so connected to it.  It was another lifetime and it was yesterday.  I longed for, fought for, injected for, begged for, paid for, bled for the chance to be a mom for four long years.  During those 4 years I experienced 11 IUIs, 3 IVFs, a 6 week miscarriage, a triplet pregnancy that resulted in a miscarriage at 9 weeks after seeing his heartbeat 3 times, my water breaking and going into preterm labor with my daughter at 18 weeks, and then when I thought there would be a miracle, lost my son Jude at 21 weeks.  I have been an infertile longer than I have been a mom to living children.  I have more experience on that awful side then on the side of parenting.

Beckom and Noah have brought an unexplainable amount of healing to the nasty hole that was left in my heart from the loss of my stillborn twins, and the compound years of negative pregnancy tests, stressful ovulation mating, countless pills and tears.  They will never replace Jude and Brinly, but like stiches, they have helped my wounds close and have allowed me to live again.  They have in a sense, saved my life. 

I have avoided church on Mother's Day for years.  I was over the "all moms please stand up" section where I would have to desperately watch mom's get flowers and hugs and applause.  It worsened when I lost the twins.  I deserved to stand, I wanted to stand. I had HELD my own child, he was just dead.  But if I stood-would people think I was pregnant?  Would people be confused?  Would the really fertile women who have no clue what it is like to miscarry/deliver babies roll their eyes? I wasn't jealous.  I wish their was a word that mixes a twinge of jealously with deep deep longing for something just and good that isn't happening for no-good-reason; a word that captures a woman holding her empty stomach and sobbing, a word that captures the unbearable silence in the ultrasound room after the words "I cannot detect a heartbeat".  Melanie Dale puts it perfectly=for so many years I felt like that woman with her face pressed up against the glass looking in on what she can't have. 

This year I attended church, twins in tow, and sat with my own mom.  The moment came.  All mom's stand up.  I did, but I felt weird.  I was so conscious of the fact that there were women in the room who had suffered silently, who were longing for the title, who were fighting themselves to beat infertility.  I got my flower.  I got my chocolate.  But to the majority of the strangers there, I just looked a lucky girl that got 2 for 1.  I have actually had strangers tell me "you are so lucky you got two."  While I am beyond lucky I got twins through a selfless friend/carrier and a 2835723895732 treatments, I am not lucky.  My story has been bumpy, and messy, yet somehow beautiful. That is His way I guess.  On Mother's Day I was happy and sad-Dale also puts in her article, it's a tension between wooo-hoooing that I am finally a mom and mourning for the women who are not and want to be.  Mother's day reminds me of ALL my children and that makes me happy and sad too.

On a lighter note, I will tell you about Noah's Mother's Day gift to me.  Mother's Day afternoon we spent quietly at home relaxing.  The boys are really really into their jumperoos (it's almost like a baby bungy) and Noah was jumping his little heart out with a huge smile for a long time.  I eventually went to sit by him and then I saw it-#3 running down his leg and getting grounded into the carpet with each soul-felt hop.  I yelled for Darren to come look at his son.  I couldn't stop laughing.  I carried him to the bathroom at an arms length away while Darren started the bath.  As I was holding him awkwardly in the bathroom, I turned to look at the scene in the mirror.  Noah turned too, caught my eye, and with his little poop filled onsie he gave me the biggest gummiest smile ever.  I just have to say to those designers of Dolce and Gabanna that recently said "IVF babies are synthetic" there is NOTHING synthetic about their #3.  I smiled the whole time I cleaned Noah up.  His mother's day gift reminded me I'm a mom, to living kids too.

 For those mommies to children that have died, and to women who are mother's in their hearts but have not yet gotten to hold your child, keep fighting.  Miracles still happen.

Me holding Jude, 2013, then me holding Noah and Beckom, 2015
 



17 comments:

  1. Aw they are adorable! And yes infertility is something that's always with you.

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  2. It warms my heart that you finally got to stand up as a Mom. And yes, even though you've been a mom for longer than just this day. You have been through far more than anyone ever should and you're strength is inspiring to us all. Those pictures of you with your babies are beautiful. So much love.

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  3. Yes! I'm glad my mother's day feelings weren't alone. I felt guilty for still harboring a little sadness. But this time there was a lot of joy as well. Your children are gorgeous. All of them. Coxo

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  4. I think you are such an amazing woman. I read your story and find it very inspirational that a mother could go through all you have gone through and come through the other side. Your boys are beautiful, and they have a older brother and sister watching over them.

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  5. Those pictures of you holding your sons are amazingly beautiful. I know infertility can changed your whole perspective on mother's day. It will always be a part of us.

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  6. Well as usual I sobbed through this entire post. I love your writing, it's so raw. I'm so glad you got to stand up as a mom. Your twins are adorable.

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  7. Your message is a powerful one. That too often society's exclusion has long-last impact. My heart always sinks when I here about these rituals at churches honoring one population. There is change on the horizon with educating pastors about being more sensitive, but we still have a long way to go.

    I'm glad you had a wonderful mother's day. You've long held the title and celebrating is long overdue.

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  8. My sister is a pastor, and I had found this blog last year and sent it to her. Since I've had an ongoing struggle myself with having children, I wanted her to read this so she understood another side to this. After reading it, she no longer has mothers stand, but acknowledges them during the service. Have you read this? http://www.messymiddle.com/2012/05/10/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/

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  9. YES. This is exactly how I felt on MD. And I wouldn't blame you for punching anyone who says you are 'lucky' for having the 2-for-1!! The boys are just precious- you are all beautiful in the MD picture!!

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  10. Loved this. I read the same article with that quote & it so resonated with me. Is that the same one that talked about how pastors should not ask the moms to stand? That one was good too, I think all pastors should read it! It's just so awkward. My church is small enough for me to know i'm the only one dealing with infertility. My pastor knows about it and is very supportive of us, but i still could not go. I feel sure that if i went, he would probably do something to help me feel included or possibly even pray for us (we are public with what we are going through now), but i just couldn't. It's now just a fun day for the two of us. It was hard this year, but we made the best of it. Maybe next year i will have my baby!

    I found your blog right after you lost Jude & Brinley & have prayed for you since. You have a beautiful way with words. I am so happy for you and that you have twin boys now! They are just precious :)

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  11. Beautifully written Holly! The boys are so stinking cute!

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  12. I just wrote a post about this. It's something we will always carry with us. Mother's day this year was hard on me because I just kept thinking about all my friends who are still fighting. Your boys are sooo dang cute tho!

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  13. A beautiful post. I'm so glad you got to celebrate Mother's Day in a different way this year, even though it was also a little bitter sweet. Your boys are adorable!

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  14. Thank you Holly for taking the time to write these posts that so beautifully sum up what so many of us are feeling!

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  15. I just came across your blog.....it's very tear jerking!! Yall are angles and God is good!! I too have twin boys....best of luck to you!! Your boys are defiantly gifts from God!!

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  16. Hi. I am going through a fertility treatment for almost 3 years with no luck.
    Sorry for my English as I am not a native speaker.
    Your post has touched me to a bottom of my heart and I am really really happy for you and your husband now.
    I cannot describe how sorry I am for the loss of your baby and sorrow you and your family have been through.
    Going through infertility is described in so many ways but you would never understand the feeling until you are in that positon. I am very moody sometimes I'm very sad and sometimes I am very motivated.
    I will not lose my hope. I will hold my baby in this arm someday!
    Thank you again for posting this blog.

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  17. I read all of your blogs posts there is such depth in your writing I also gone through that missed miscarriage no heartbeat thing I can feel the pain it was my first child with lenght of 11 weeks pregnancy I was all alone there I was so depressed and when my husband asked if it just because you are weak and not having a perfect hemoglobin level? ( I m 5ft 6" and was 124 lbs that time with 10 hemoglobin level) I was completely heart broken even he sorry for those words doesn't matter

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