Pulling the Trigger

July 2013  (I'm trying to be vague with exact dates so I don't FREAK out, but this has recently happened)

What a whirlwind this cycle has been.  I took a night job for the graduate program at a university in Oregon so I've been busy thinking about that instead of the nightly injections and growing follicles.

The REs did start me on a lower dose this time.  I respond really really well.  Like too well to the point where it's bad.  Last time around they had me trigger shot on Day 9. 

After today's ultrasound there are 26 follicles and 15 are completely mature.  The RE on call (Dr. Wu, she is the one who did my first fresh transfer back in the fall) was pretty confident in doing it a day early.  She said they could push me one more day and get more mature follicles (last time they "harvested" 24) but she said she didn't want my estrogen levels super high and thought I would have a better chance at success if we cut it short and go over the 15ish that are mature.  She said I "could have" miscarried last time because of all the inflammations in the pelvis from the crazy amount of eggs retrieved.  She said "if you were doing a 'freeze all' I would push it out one more day and say go for it.  But since fresh cycles have higher success rates and the goal is to get you pregnant, I want you to trigger tonight."

I was a little shocked.  I was half excited (wow, we are doing something different from last cycle, this could be good) and a little scared (if I'm going to go through ALL this, I want to suck it up one more day and have more follicles).  I remember that my husband had encouraged me to trust the RE's judgement and God.  I have been praying that He would give them wisdom.

I had my first meltdown on the way home.  Crying on the freeway.  Crying because there is no turning back.  Crying because this amazing opportunity is so close.  Crying because I'm happy and excited.  Crying because I'm scared. 

Tonight I trigger at 9:00 pm.  Then I'm just 36 hours away from the "show getting started" and the beginning of the dreaded 2WW.  Here. We.  Go. 

Hope-In-Oil Injection

July 11, 2013

As I near the dreaded, big, scary, creepy, long progesterone in oil shots, I'm reminded of this image I saved awhile back:

For you women who have gone through IVF, this bottle looks a lot like what Lupron and Menopur come in.  At the point, with all our failed treatments behind us, I would actually load this med up in my PIO shot and shoot it in my booty if it gave me a burst.

I haven't gotten to the hard part yet (injections-no big deal, egg retrieval-challenging, 2WW-INSANITY).  BUT so far in this cycle, I have allowed myself to hope again.  Like, all out hope.  Not to be confused fully with "expectation" but plain and simple, there is a good chance this will work. 

I could sit here and worry.  I could sit here and play back ALL the failed attempts of the past and the "what ifs" and the "then whats." But this cycle I am making a conscious effort to not be negative.  And, I'm making a conscious effort to not go down the "it probably won't work again" road.  At the end of the month I'll know and its basically a 50% chance it works and 50% chance it won't.  I might as well "waste" all my energy on the 50% it will, since they are tied.  I found this quote on someone else's blog and am trying to embrace it:

“If you get caught up in the worst case scenario and it doesn’t happen, you’ve wasted your time. And if you are caught up in the worst case scenario and it does happen, you’ve lived it twice.” -Michael J. Fox

 

 

I know for sure I don't want to live any of the negative twice.  I'm not trying to be "new age" nor have I convinced myself that my brain controls the outcome.  100% Jesus Christ does.  He is the author and finisher of life and no matter what I do/don't do, ultimately He decides.  I've been blogging long enough to see PERFECT cycle end with BFNs and really grim looking cycles end in positives.  I've seen people get "surprises" (one lady did after 6 failed IVFs and adoption), and I've see couples embrace the desire to be parents is stronger than carrying the child and find their baby that route.  God will do what He has planned but I have the choice to be fearful, doubtful and miserable OR excited, hopeful, and content.  "But Holly," one might ask, "how are you going to feel if it doesn't work again?"  But I'm asking "How will I feel if it does?"  Whether I'm horrified and depressed through this or excited and thrilled, the outcome will be the same:  Super super sad or super super happy.

 

 

Lastly, there are two Bible verses pulling me through and I thought I'd share:

 

"But me, I not giving up.  I'm sticking around to see what God will do.  I'm wanting for God to make things right.  I'm counting on God to listen to me."  -Micah 7:7 (message)

 

And

 

 

"I will not cause pain without something new being born."  Isaiah 66:9

 

This last verse is especially important to me because IF I do get pregnant from THIS cycle, the day I could hear the first heartbeat would be the same day that my baby that I miscarried would have been born. 

 

I got to go.  I'm going to take an injection of hope ;)



It Still Stings

July 5, 2013

You would think that after over 2.5 year of infertility that I would have grown numb to other people's pregnancies. I'm 29 years old.  I am in the ZONE of EVERYONE and their MOTHER (yes, this happened) are getting pregnant.

I have posted several times about my process when I hear about someone pregnant.

1.  First I feel jealous/annoyed and kind of a "that's not fair" attitude.  Although it's easier when someone in the infertility land world gets their BFP, if I'm being 100% honest, I still get that initial kicker.  We were in the same boat and now they left it.  Waves of emotions come (I am NOT saying this is right, I'm aware of that.  Read on).

2.  Second, I feel bad that I'm jealous that something good happened to someone.  I am really really nice and that first emotion is really really mean.

3.  Third, guilt.  I'm evil!  Why am I crying that someone else got something I want?  That is wrong.

4.  Anger.  I'm angry that infertility has created this mean cycle in me.  Angry I feel guilty.  Angry that something I'm trying for for so ##^^#% long comes so @#@#%% easily for someone else (or sometimes harder if its from other infertiles).

5.  Sadness.  Deep deep sadness.  A reminder that I may never experience pregnancy.  No guarantees.  Again, "unfair" emotions of lucky person at least knows they will.

6.  Reconciliation.  Reflection.  Calming down.  Choosing to chose to be so happy for them.  So sad for me.

My YOUNGER sister who has a 10 month year old baby has a friend who is my age.  Her friend has been married a couple years and really relaxed about having kids later.  I think her knowing about my situation made her nervous to wait, so they decided to start trying (like 3 months ago). I  just found out she is pregnant.  My mind whirled. I honestly, physically cannot image getting pregnant with in 3 months of trying.  I know it happens.  A lot.  But I couldn't digest it.  I'm sitting here, injecting myself with hormones, praying for miracle, fighting for 36 months and BAM, 3 months? 

I know I know.  It's called fertility.  It's called being normal.  It's called being the 9 in 10 that don't have issues.  It stung me though and I don't even ever see this person.  Whoosh me through my 6 step process and I'm happy for her.

The funny thing is, I'm in a lose-lose situation.  As mentioned, even seeing "fellow" bloggers get pregnant is bitter-sweet.  It gives me hope and happiness that they no longer suffer, but in a way it magnifies my pain.  However, I say lose-lose because I'm rooting for these people too.  If they are not pregnant after a treatment, I feel deep sadness for them.  If they miscarry, I SOB.  Like big time cry. I don't want anyone to get pregnant and I don't want anyone not too (lol, can you hear my stims talking by chance?)  I found this "prayer" on a blog and had to share:

Lord, Give me Strength...

·         To keep my cool when another period starts.

·         To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her pregnancy.

·         To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her.

·         To endure my sister-in-law's comments about toilet training.

·         To keep from crying when I see children begging on the roads.

·         To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for two hours for a consultation - and then can't remember my name.

·         To make the right decision about treatment.

·         To maintain a good relationship with my husband in spite of all this

 

I know that this is a season and I trust that in time, I will carry a baby or that God will give us peace to go a different route and that the sting won't be so deep or harsh.  For all you women chasing your BFPs, I really really am rooting and really really am so happy for those that catch it and so sad for those that don't.  We all must keep hoping.

Infertility in Laymen's Terms

June 27, 2013

This is me on Lupron:

 

I would take hot-flashes any day over OHSS and all those other rough things that come with IVF treatment, but them leaving me on Lupron for longer than last time is H-O-T!

 

 

I recently had a conversation with my mother-in-law and dad (at separate times) trying to explain infertility. 

 

 

In life, most (note: I said most, not all) situations/challenges/issues are consequences of our choices.  I.E you have bad credit card debt?  You most likely made unnecessary purchases.  Overweight?  Wrong food choices.  Bad marriage? Maybe one of you is selfish or mean.  You get fired?  Probably didn't work hard. 

 

I personally have always loved a good challenge and I'm one of those "over achievers" who "make things happen."  When my husband and I got married 3.5 years ago he had over 100K in student loans and no degree (see example list above of decision:consequence).  HOWEVER, he didn't want to live his life in debt so we PUT IN discipline.  Blood, sweat, tears of forcing ourselves to use 1 of our entire paychecks to go towards the loans every single month.  We wanted new things, we wanted vacations, but we also wanted to have control of our finances: so we SACRIFICED.  But got results we wanted: financial peace.

 

In college, I graduated in 3 years.  I overloaded credits, I stayed in on the weekends (I know, nerd alert), I studied hard.  I graduated with a 3.9 and started teaching high school when I was 21.  I put in hard work, I reaped a degree and job. 

 

In my conversation with my dad, we talked about weight loss.  Many Americans are overweight and it's hard to lose.  BUT, anyone would agree that if the person truly committed, took action, dieted, ate right, exercised, etc. they would get the result they wanted.  It would be hard.  It would cost a lot of time, effort, etc.  BUT ultimately the choice/result is in their hands.

 

Again, massive disclaimer.  I know there are people that have to use credit cards to survive.  I know there are people with medical issues that make weight loss more challenging.  However, my point is, in MOST situations, you work hard-you get the results.  Ball in your court.

 

So, now.  Infertility.  This is what I said to my dad in regards to me having a struggle with "hope."

 

Imagine that you need to lose 100 pounds and you commit.  You're in.  You want it bad.  So, you follow the strictest diet perfectly.  You eat lots of fruits and vegies.  No sugar.  You exercise hard several days a week.  You deny yourself candy and treats because you want a healthy body more.  After 1 year of really really working hard you step on the scale.  It hasn't budged.  You still weigh the exact same as you did at the beginning of the year.

 

You feel mad.  Shocked.  Confused.  You did everything right.  You want to be healthy!  You do it again for year 2 but maybe consult another Dr. or nutritionist.  You go a step further.  You pay a lot of money.  You involve your body in hard physical challenges.  You eat perfectly.  Year 2 comes to an end.  You step on the scale.  You weigh the exact same.  Again.

 

At this point, it is harder and harder to believe that you will reach a healthy weight.  You are discouraged.  You become a little "harder" a little more cynical.  You look to the future wondering if it will ever work...

 

"This is how I feel dad"  I say, "This is how infertility has been for us."

 

We started off so pumped, so excited.  We took the right vitamins.  We don't drink alcohol.  My husband avoids hot-tubs at all costs.  We used OPKs and BBTs.  We did IUIs and monitoring and trigger shots and clomid.  Year 1 passed, no baby.

 

Year 2 is a little harder but we bring in the "big guns"  IVF.  At this point we are giving it our all.  Blood, sweat, tears, SPERM, eggs.  Injections, retrievals, transfers.  Everything we can possibly do emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually.  Nothing.

 

I'm not hopeless, dont' get me wrong.  I know there are many instances of "suddenly" in the Bible where out of nowhere ONE thing changes the course.  This even happened with me getting together with my husband.  I was single for so long (and nervous it would never happen) and then BAM out of nowhere God brought him into my life.  I'm not hopeless, just frustrated.  Infertility is not a consequence of me making bad choices, it's just part of living in a fallen world.  And no matter how hard I work towards getting results, I haven't yet.  It's hard sometimes.  I know God is reminding me that I am not in control.  I get that.

 

After having this conversation with my family, many light bulbs went on.  They could understand why I am "guarded" and not super overly excited for future IVFs.  I'm thankful.  I'm hopeful but I guarded.  I'm praying for a "suddenly" experience where despite the PAST, God does something new in my future. 



Keep Pounding the Rock

June 20, 2013

“When nothing seems to help, I go look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it, but all that had gone before.”

-Jacob Riies

My husband is a huge NBA fan and of course we have been watching the final series of the Miami Heat verses the San Antonio Spurs. I played bball in high school myself so I usually watch the games with him.

On Thursday we were watching the game and I mentioned how strange it is that now a days they actually film/broadcast what the coaches say to the players in the huddles.

Darren said, "well, all he ever says is "keep pounding the rock." 

Me:  "What?  Why?"

Darren:  "In theory if you keep pounding a rock, it will break.  The Spurs are steady and strong but older.  Their motto this year has been "keep pounding the rock." 

Me:  (I didn't respond out loud but get major epiphany) nod my head

It all the sudden totally applied to infertility to me (surprise surprise I could connect something to infertility since I'm never, wink wink, thinking about it). Pounding (in my case punching) a rock sounds really really painful.  I imagine a really sore hand.  Blood.  Lots of pain.  Frustration.  But, with the inspiration of the San Antonio Spurs, they believe if you KEEP pounding the rock it will eventually break.

In the world of IF, I have beat the living $%#^#&## out of the rock.  I am tired.  I am bloody.  I am frustrated.  But what if all I need is just a few more hits before it breaks?  What if I "give up" from all the pain and lack of movement when really one more strong punch would have done the trick?

Our IVF #3 is going to happen in July.  I have been pounding the rock for over two years.  Little weak hits of off-timed IUIs, some bigger hits with perfectly timed IUIs or even on our own, and my hands hurt bad.  IVF #3 is going to be an extra hard punch.   It will hurt (literally) but I pray that this will be the last swing I have to throw for a bit.

Father's Day Funk

June 17, 2013

Although we have been ttc for oh, 951 days or so, Mothers Day and Fathers Day haven't really "gotten" to me till this year.  Last Mother's Day I had just had an IUI that seemed perfect and someone on the prayer team at church told me he felt like God wanted us to know "Mother's day was our day"  (he didn't know about the treatment and said he really didn't know what that meant but wanted to share).  I had more hope last Mother's Day.  Heck, once I started clomid in 2010 I thought we would be knocked up within months.  I almost cancelled the trip I had planned to Spain in summer 2012 (I started planning it in 2011) because I "just knew" chances of being pregnant with so many IUIs ahead were high.

I've almost calmed down.  I've stopped that thinking to some degree.  I try really hard to take one day at a time.  However, when you find yourself shooting up in the Olive Garden bathroom (not crack, lupron) it's really hard not to wonder about the future, and then worry.

When our FET failed, I booked a cruise to the Caribbean to "get out."  I was happy we would be missing mother's day.  It was my younger sister's "first" and my grandma was in town.  I just didn't like the idea of talking about moms.  I feel like I am becoming an OBESE, SMELLY, AWKWARD, elephant in the room.  Although others may not think it, I do and thats no fun.

I didn't really see "Father's Day" hitting me the way it did.  I'm on an long IVF protocol and have to take Lupron injections FOREVA and for some reason the Lupron this round is making me nuts.  I mean like every emotion I feel is just super intense.  If it's sad, I'm heartbroken.  If it's happy, I'm giddy.  If its worried, I'm horrified.  I can feeeeel the emotions. Basically everything is a bit "biggger" than normal.

Anyways, we haven't even gotten through Father's Day with my side of the fam, but we celebrated with Darren's.  The fathers in this group include:  Darren's dad, and our brother-in-law Mike.  Michael and Darren's sister struggled with IF for years but now have a 2 year old daughter and are pregnant with a boy.  We go out to eat at this crab shack place.  We arrived with Darren's parents and the waiter almost instantly puts on a #1 Dad Bib on the father in law.  Okay.  I'm used to this.  But when Michael showed up a bit latter, and got one two, I suddently felt so isolated.  I wanted Darren to have one.  Bad.  I really really wanted Darren to have a bib that said #1 Dad.  It was obvious we had no children.   Now remember, this round of Lupron injections is making my emotions X 10.  I basically held back tears that Darren didn't have the right to wear the bib.  Am I totally insane? 

To make matters worse, I was asked if I had had all my hormones checked.  This is one of the situations were people are genuially trying to be nice and caring and helpful but it reved me up.  Of course I've had all my hormones checked.  To be on the verge of doing my 10th IF procedure, I guarantee you I know what's up (and down) with my hormones. 

Darren had a headache so I drove our new (to us) mini-suv that we bought for kids, back home.  And I didn't hold back the tears.  I felt better when I got home, but as the years go by and the families grow, I'm going to have to come up with a way of dealing with Fathers/Mothers day.  Ah!

On another note, at my inlaws church there was a quote that said:

"Delay may not mean denial.  Keep praying."

This little quote was JUST what I needed.  I have so many failed attempts behind me, I get stuck on what to say, to even mess with praying, on hoping.  But then it hit me.  Yes, God could ultimately say "You shall not bear child" and I would have to pray for peace and move forward.  But we are not there yet.  Maybe, just because it hasn't happened, may not mean it's denied. 

Jesus, I pray for all the women who are reading this who are in a boat similar to mine. I pray for all of us.  For a new breath of hope.  To have the will power to keep asking to keep dreaming.  To accept your will and that it be clear to us.  Give us strength each day in each high and low.  Help us look forward and not back.  Help us anticipate the things to come and cling to your promises that you work all things together for good for those that love you.

If You Adopt You WILL Become Pregnant

June 12, 2013

I have written several posts about things NOT to say to people struggling with infertility, but rarely do I experience it directly.  Yes I've had the nosy "does you husband wear boxers" to "have you read ________" and of course the "I heard keeping your legs up after sex...."

At  a district curriculum meeting an older Spanish teacher started up the conversation.

Her:  "How's marriage?  You're still in the newlywed stage right?"

Me: Well, it's almost been 4 years so kind of."

Her:  "Are you guys wanting children?"

Me: (I'm prob too blunt at this point but they asked!) "We've been trying for awhile. We did IVF in the fall and had a miscarriage so we are hoping to do IVF again."

Her:  "Oh sorry to hear it...you should just adopt.  If you adopt you WILL become pregnant.  I know two people that this has happened to."  (follow by her overzealous giggle).

Me: "Can you give me a money back guarantee?" (trying to add humor but sheesh!)

The conversation ended and the meeting started.  I wasn't mad at her, I get that most people don't "get it."  At this point we have spent $25k on IF stuff and I don't know if we could do it all again for awhile on the high cost of adoption.  It just stings and reminds me of the isolation I have from so many people who haven't had to deal with this challenge.  If only "just adopting" was as easy as getting pregnant and completely satisfied the desire to carry a child (which I have not let go of yet), I promise I would be holding a baby right now. 

On another thought, a fellow blogger posted an interesting article on the impact of infertility on men : http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/for-men-infertility-often-becomes-a-private-heartache/2013/06/05/049e33ca-ba6b-11e2-b94c-b684dda07add_story.html

It was a good read.  It reminds us (me at least) that men have it rough too.  Of course, when I'm reved up on hormones, I might get a little cynical with him because all he has to do is have an orgasm; I know its so much more.  I think I often forget about their feeling of helplessness.  My husband is strong on the inside and outside.  For him to not be able to fix a sobbing wife I think gets to him.  The article talks about how men don't really talk about their emotions/struggles with their friends.  It talks about how the sperm is always called a "sample" but to us its "my future dreams."  It talks about them peeling their wives off the ground after a failed treatment. 

It also mentions how society always "assumes" infertility is the "woman's fault."  We were with his old high school friends the other day and they started asking questions about IVF (I'm an open book about it).  His friend jokingly said "Is it you Darren?"  Something about a man having "bad" sperm messes with his ego I think.  I jumped in "I don't ovulate on my own!" I had to defend Dar and his fish, I could take one for the team.  After all, we both got "issues."  Along those lines though, Darren has been taking clomid and his testosterone has gone from 138 to 440!  The normal range is like 250-800 so we are hopefully making progress in case we have to try on our own again if IVF doesn't do it for us this summer (even typing it makes me anxious). 

I just bought a Christian book called "Battlefield of the Mind."  It really encourages people to train their brains to think positive, choose joy, fight against worry.  Easier said then done but I'm so about to read that book.  I need it!

Saline Infusion Sonogram (SIS)

June 3, 2013

My RE suggested getting a SIS before starting our next cycle.  I was iffy as I've had every other test in the book and it's been fine.  Getting my uterus filled with dye didn't exactly sound like a "fun" way to spend a Monday afternoon.  My insurance covered half so Darren and I decided that we should just do it for "peace of mind."

The procedure was similar to and IUI but they filled my uterus with dye.  It was pretty uncomfortable and the doctor was super young and super new and he couldn't figure out how to get the spectrum out (my worst nightmare).  Everything was "clear" and I'm so thankful for that.

On the drive home though, a huge wave of sadness hit me.  Like the 2 and half years of failed procedures and the 2 and half years of incredibly invasive procedures (like the SIS) just kind of landed on my shoulders.  Tears streamed down my face in frustration of lives's injustice.  I know God doesn't owe me a thing, but going through the process is hard.

Today I was proctoring a state test at work and the math teacher's quote on his desk caught my eye.  It said:

"Sometimes life feels like we are driving a bicycle through a carwash."

I loved it!  This doesn't just apply to infertility.  This applies to everyone in some season.  The beauty of it is that although it's scary, creepy, painful, uncomfortable, you are being "cleaned" in the process.  I have to believe that God's promises are true.  In Isaiah he says "I will not cause suffering without something new being born."  He doesn't promise comfort, he doesn't promise a perfect life, but he does promise something new after suffering.  I was reading the book of Job and the study guide mentioned that when God allows His children to suffer, we often question his goodness.  It goes on to say this is exactly where Satan wants to discourage us-in that moment-to question if God is good. 

For some reason I've read several blogs this week of writer's annoyed with complaining.  Complaining can be very painful of course (like a pregnant friend complaining to me for example) but I also believe that sometimes venting is necessary.  It's real life.  Thank goodness my dear hubby listens, but sometimes, after I've repeated my complaints and worries to him to the level of seeing his eyes glaze over, I write.  I hope that through my pain, and venting, and honesty that I come across as a person TRYING to remain hopeful and positive despite the mounding fear behind.

Next steps in our process?  I have to be honest, I'm so jealous of some of the bloggers I follow.  Their RE let's them jump right in and get to the stims! I would love to just jump all in.  I called our RE office because we would like to move forward.  The nurse said if we started now it would be an 8 week protocol??? What?? It was 6 last time I did a fresh? I'm the type of person that just likes to get stuff over with and with everything a floating in the unknown future, I get anxious.   Due to scheduling they want me to be on BCP and then 17 days of lupron before starting anything.  I guess this is called the "long protocol."  I emailed my RE directly and asked if there was any way to shorten the lupron part since I was only on it 10 days last time and completely surpressed.  This request annoyed the nurse and she called me back to let me know that this isn't an option (she seemed annoyed).   It actually hurt that she was "short" with me.  I'm so vulnerable right now I wish she could have been more gentle about it.  In the world of infertility when you are waiting for results it can feel like years.  I guess I just had mentally calculated I would be doing a transfer like July 1.  Looks like I won't be getting to "this moment" till the end of July or early August. I know God is teaching me over and over again that I am not in control.

 I don't think I'm going to put dates or specifics on my blog this time.   I'm so nervous about everything that I feel like if I keep it secret (from the entire world except my husband and the doctors) that it might feel less real.  I am terrified of what can come.  I am thankful of what can come.  But at the end of the day I know it really only matters if God says "yes" or "no" and nothing I do/don't do can change that.  I am hopeful His will and ours allign this time!

Box with Blue Ballons: Survival of the Gender Reveal

May 25, 2013

Almost exactly a year ago I wrote a post called "Cupcakes with Blue Filling" when my younger sister did her baby gender reveal party.

This weekend my sister in law did her's but they used a box full of blue balloons. 

I have written so much of the "happy for them, so sad for me" concept, but this weekend, as we were at the beach with my husband's fam, I felt a taste of that concept from them.  My mother is law was thrilled when she opened the box and the blue balloons floated to the sky.  Her first grandson.  She teared up, she cheered.  We cheered.  We smiled.  We gave them a cute baby hoodie with a frog head (we had a girl gift in case it was a girl).  The parents-to-new-baby-boy were beaming with pride and happiness and well-deserved joy.  They had battled IF for years for their first child who is now two.

But then I felt it.  The unspoken painful fact that we are in infertile.  That I should be 7 months along right now.  I was the elephant in the room, again.  My mother is law even started a phrase of "someday you guys..." and faded off.  In this joyful moment for them, I realized that I think everyone in that room is happy for them...and sad for us too.

Of course, the clash of emotions rise.  I see the growing stomach.  I see the ultrasound pictures.  I am 100% truly happy for them, but it takes a lot of myself to hold it together.  To keep the smile painted on.  To hold in tears.  Selfish tears because I want it so bad.  Scared tears because I don't know if/when.  Sad tears because I am constantly aware of the baby I am not holding in my arms.  Angry tears because I am feeling this whirlwind of emotions during something beautiful for someone else.  I'm angry I can't be normal happy; I have to work to be happy in these situations.  I'm angry that we have been at it for so long.  I'm angry that although I followed all the rules and that I would be a great mom, I'm not. 

Blue cupcakes.  Blue balloons. 


I heard this song on the Christian radio station on the drive down.  It's called WORN.  My favorite line is "let me see redemption win, let me know the struggle ends" Oh God, what I would give to know the struggle ends.  Although my head panics/worries/fears, deep in my heard, I know somehow, someday, the struggle will end. 

Mother Nature Is Just Plain Mean

May 24, 2012
I usually don't get my hopes up but this last cycle was different.  I ovulated on the cruise and I had the most "non-stressed" sex I've had in a long time.  With the low T issue it's hard, but we "tried" a lot more than our normal 2 times around ovulation.  When I got the smile face on the OPK it was perfect timing.  Still a long shot.

However, here is where Mother Nature has been soooo (read in dramatic voice) cruel to me.  For the first time EVER in ttc land I had what could have actually been REAL implantation bleeding.  I know it only happens to 30% of women, but 6dpo I had random pink spotting for 2 days.  This happened like 9 days before expected period.  The first time I saw the spotting, I tried to ignore it, but when it was very noticeable, I sobbed.  I cried for 2 reasons:

1.  This is the first time I allowed myself to get excited.  This has never happened.  We timed it all perfectly.  What if God is going to let us be one of those miracle couples he "saves" right before our upcoming IVF.  The fact I allowed myself to picture myself holding that stupid "congrats your pregnant" clear blue digital test and the fact that I actually believed "MAYBE" made me so happy I cried.  For a moment, I even believed "this is probably it" and I cried. 

2.  But the tears were not pure joy.  They were also pure horror.  I've very aware Mother Nature is mean (for those that follow, I got MILK coming out of my nipples a week AFTER my D&C).  I was scared. Why the random and noticeable bleeding if it isn't implantation?  Do I have an infection?  Is something wrong?  Will this mess with  IVF?  I went back to guard mode "don't get excited Holly, just wait it out."  The tears also streamed down because I'm tired.  Tired of month after month after month.  I just worn out a bit. 

And here my dear readers, is what I'm always venting about, the CLASH of 2 opposite emotions.  Expectancy mixed with "don't expect it" is a way worse feeling (when mixed) then the "don't expect it."  I HATE the clash. Hot and cold.  Black and white. Infertility is full of them.  Hope and Doubt.  Dreams and Reality.  Excitement and horror.  Happiness and sadness.  Fighting and giving up.  Trying while crying.   It really really shakes you up inside. 

I told myself that I won't mourn this little glimmer of hope that has faded away.  Last night the mourning came.  My bed had tear stains.  I couldn't breathe out of my nose.  I wasn't just crying because my period is starting, it was also crying because I know what a "fresh cycle" means/entails.  I was crying because there are no guarantees.  My husband said "Be positive."  Through my plugged up dry mouth I was able to get how "But how can someone be positive when what they are after has failed over 20 times?" Hopeful?  I can be that sometimes? But positive?  It's only natural to prepare for the worst when the worst has happened almost every month for the last 2 years. 

I told myself that since IVF is on the horizon, I'm moving forward with the BIGGEST guns they make for this stuff.  But then I remember how it ended last time and again am faced with another clash:  Hoping for a miracle, preparing for the worst.

Mr. 2 Week Wait's Wild Ride

May 16, 2013

All of us TTCer's know the 2ww oh to well.  Those dreaded 14-16 days after ovulation.  They were pretty hard on me during all our IUIs becasue at the time, the IUIs seemed super intense.  I mean, I was an infertility patient getting a treatment.  I am guilty of the trillon google searches as ridiculous as "does a right eye twitching mean early pregnancy" to more normal things like "what does implantaton bleeding look like" and "are cramps good?  bad?"  You know the drill.

The absolute WORST 2ww were after my IVF and FET.  By the time of transfer I only had to do a 9 day wait but it literally felt like 1 minute = 1 day.  Reading into feeling a cringe.  Panicking about not feeling a cringe.  Ug.

I'm in a very "comfortable" 2ww now because we know it's a long shot on our own.  I did ovulate 5 days ago and miracles happen, but I'm not expecting anything although of course am hoping.  I look at it more as winning the lottery.  Possible.  But I'm not going to cry if this cycle is a bust.  We have a fresh IVF on the horizon so that helps.

I found this article by a doctor and his reflection on the 2ww.  I had to share. I could have written this word for word.  If you know anyone suffering from infertility, here is a little peek into our crazy souls:

Symptoms after embryo transfer

http://blog.drmalpani.com/2012/03/symptoms-after-embryo-transfer.html

As any IVF patient will attest, the 2 week wait after the embryo transfer are the longest 15 days in your life. All the action and the excitement of taking injections , going for scans , monitoring your blood test results and admiring your embryos is now over. Your doctor has put your embryos back into your uterus - and now all you can do is wait for the final outcome , in order to find out whether the embryos have implanted are not. Not only is the fact that the outcome of the treatment completely out of your hands extremely frustrating, what makes it even worse is that there is no way to of finding out what is happening to your precious embryos inside your body.

Your doctor is not very helpful either , because he's finished doing whatever he can do . He just tells you to be patient and wait till you get the HCG result . It's easy for him to say this , because he has other patients to treat - but how do you deal with the uncertainty , the impatience and the anxiety of those 15 days - where every minute seems to last an hour.

Your mind plays all kinds of games with you ! Do my breasts feel more tender than usual ? I am feeling nauseous – is this early morning sickness and does this mean that my embryos have implanted ? Should I panic because I am not feeling anything at all ? Does this mean that my embryos have died and that they cycle has failed ? Was that blood in my vaginal discharge ? Does that mean my embryos are falling out ? Are my symptoms because of PMS or are they a side effect of the medications I'm taking ?

Your mind is full of doubts and questions and there is really no one who can provide the answers. There’s little point in asking your doctor , because most the time all he can say is – We’ll have to wait for the blood test results to find out what’s happening. You can't keep on bothering your husband , which is why you spend hours on the net , googling your symptoms . You try to make sense of them by asking other more experienced IVFers on online IVF bulletin boards , so you can compare what’s happening to you with their experiences. These expeditions often leave you even more confused and frustrated, because there’s so much variability , and so many old wive’s tales !

What you need is emotional support to calm your anxious mind , but while your head understands this, it's very hard for your heart to come to terms with the fact that these 15 days will also pass. You try to do everything possible to maximize your chances of success. Your friend’s mother-in-law suggested that you should be resting in bed , so you spend all day , lying down. You read somewhere that eating pomegranates is good for your fertility , so you drink a bottle of pomegranate juice daily. The nurse at the IVF clinic suggested that you should be eating a lot of pineapples , so you eat a tin-full of slices daily; and your online buddy suggested that royal jelly helps embryos to implant, so you dutifully buy this and consume it religiously.

You try to stop your mind from playing games , by using meditation and other mind-body control

techniques, but nothing seems to work . You are dying to find out what's happening inside you , and you start cheating by doing pregnancy tests 4 days after the transfer, even though you know it's too early to really get an answer one way or the other . When you see a second line, you wonder whether it's an optical illusion , or whether you are actually be pregnant.

You just can't understand why your husband is not as obsessed about the result as you are – and because he's busy with his work and you can't keep on bugging him about your feelings and your symptoms every day , you try to bottle them up.

When it's D-day and you go to do your pregnancy test , you are not sure whether you're happy that you are finally going to find out what the results are you . You are so scared , that you find yourself trembling with anxiety. This is not the sort of person you normally are. You are used to being in control of your life and to making decisions for yourself . You find it difficult to understand why you are behaving like a student who's waiting to find out what her exam results are . And then starts the final wait to find out what the results – and every time the telephone rings , you are never sure whether you should pick it up because the nurse may be calling with good news – or not!

Boats, Bahamas, and Baby-makin'

May 13, 2013

Darren and I got back from our cruise last night.  We flew to Miami (from Portland, OR) and caught Carnival's newest ship "The Breeze" for a 6 day cruise to: Florida Keys, Grand Turk, and the Bahamas.  The main rule was, for once in a LONG time, not talk about cervical mucus, and sperm, and bbt, and opks, and what-ifs, and whens', and maybes. 

This of course was a bit challenging since 1.  I am always thinking of this.  2.  I should be ovulating around the time of the cruise.  For the most part I was able to not ramble on about any of the above and quietly take my ovulation kits in the morning.

The highlight of the trip was our last day in the Bahamas, we went to Atlantis (the biggest water park in the Caribbean).  It had the most fun lazy river called “The Current” with rapids and dips and slides.  I’m a big scardy-cat but after much convincing and reassurance I agreed to go down a huge tube waterslide on a double intertube with Darren that shot us into a shark tank.  I was having a blast and then it hit me.  I had actually gone a few HOURS without thinking about fertility/infertility/IVF, etc.  I looked at my wrist and noticed my bracelet/wristband that let me in the park.  This is the first time in 2 years I have had a wristband that DIDN’T have my health record number on it.  It was nice.

A little update, right before the cruise Darren saw an urologist.  From blood work he re-confirmed that his testorone level is very very low.  He was shocked that Dar’s first doctor didn’t put him on clomid and he prescribed it for him to instantly start taking it. 

I was really really annoyed about this.  Clomid can take 3 months to really kick in for the males.  Hopefully it will increase sex drive (it’s hard to really “try” during ovulation), his sperm count which will in turn help his morphology (shape).  Nothing really improves morphology but more sperm means more normal shaped overall.  I was annoyed because we did a year of IUIs without anyone telling us to try this.  We went months “trying on our own” and me suffering through nasty femera side effects all to be sort of trying in vain.  But, it is what is it and he is taking Clomid now, so God-willing in will work a bit.  Both of our infertility issues are minor (I ovulate with medication/he can have more sperm with medication) but it's been a MAJOR process.

The plan is to do IVF sometime this summer. 

We kept referring to our little trip as “Honeymoon Dos” and it was a perfect getaway although I still feel like I’m rocking on a ship.  I did get my little smiley face the last day of the cruise so although odds are low, it was nice to ovulate on vacation.  My poor husband did tell me that he “needs a break” from all the baby-makin’ efforts for a bit, but it was a good run ;)  The fear of another IVF is fading as the desire and the “bring it on” attitude is coming back.


Here's some pics from our vacay:  The first two are from the "formal night."  In the 2nd picture I'm laughing beacause the waiter counted to like 5, very slowly, before taking the shot.

These "cabanas" were on the adult only deck and we snagged one right by the clear railing.  It was such a fun, and relaxing day.  I'm secretly hoping this is our LAST babymoon ;)