Up the %$&*^%% and Around the Corner

July 6, 2012

Well, my husband and I made it back from Spain.  I'm a Spanish teacher and we took a group of 7 students.  It was amazing but it's good to be home.

I actually took a pregnancy test this time.  I usually don't allow myself till I'm "late" (which has been never) but there wasn't any spotting at all this cycle (usually is) so I got pumped and took a pregnancy test at 4:00 am before getting on the plane to Europe.  It was negative, but I still hoped.

Got my period on the airplane and dealt with that disappointment over the Atlantic Ocean.  Since I was with students, I was stronger than usual and didn't have a meltdown even though I just saw the 2 IUI's fail along with $400.  Periods almost feel like "dead children" to me these days.  However, trying to be optimistic, I knew the 9 days in Spain would help speed through those CD 1-10. 
So now, here I am, cycle day 11.  Because of the bad timing of my IUI's, they have finally insisted that I get monitored vaginally via ultrasound.  Let me give you an "image"

Basically, they put a probe up the you-know-what "cold turkey" because lubrication can kill sperm.  This is actually worse than and IUI for me because it's longer and they move the wand like crazy to "measure" the follicles.  I feel like I'm doing crazy sex moves (uncomfortable sex moves that is) hence the title of this post.  I was alone during it.  The top right image is basically what egg follicles look like.  Isn't it crazy that I could potentially be seeing my future child pre-conceived? 

Anyways, I cried on the way home.  Cried for the unfairness of it all (so many people get the "oops, funny!  We are pregnant and weren't trying" issue) as I have to lay there, legs straddled again, with a probe literally poking my ovaries.  I cried because I may never see an actual baby during an ultrasound.  I constantly remind myself that obviously life isn't far, I have a good/blessed life, but I can't help but have those few moments where I work on accepting and processing what infertility is.  It will be worth it in the end, but the end seems so far off.

So, now I wait for the doctor to tell me when to go back for another scan.  Hopefully I won't need too many before the next IUI, but at least it will be timed closer!  Fingers triple crossed!

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