Dear God, I'm Sorry.

July 11, 2012

It seems like whenever I allow myself to have a crying-raging-snot running-shake the fist-pity party, I get completely, and overwhelmingly humbled.  Don't get me wrong.  Whether our lives are perfectly smooth or unfairly rough, everyone has the "right" to feel their emotions.  BUT, perspective is important.

Here is a quick summary of what I mean:
1.  I went 3.5 months with no response to clomid (aka over 100 days where getting pregnant wasn't even possible).  I was mad.  I allowed myself to think of God as mean.  He could fix this is a single word yet I'm suffering and suffering and suffering.  Not an ounce of prayer being answered...

But, through that, we decided to get my husband's testosterone level checked.  About 10 blood tests early, they were highly concerned he had growth on his pituitary gland.  The MRI confirmed it. 

I was terrified.  I want a baby more than anything, but I choose having Darren first if that's all I can pick.  I adore him and losing him would kill me. 
I was humbled.  Here I am shaking my fist and yelling "you're mean" to the Creator of the world, while this whole time, He may have just been directing us to discover Darren's growth (if we would've gotten pregnant right away, we never would have tested.)  I felt so bad.  God could be using infertility to save his life, and I had been throwing a fit.


2.  I started ovulating on femera, but we can never get the timing right.  Either I put too much pressure on Darren and he panics, I'm out of town, we think the IUI was too late, etc.  WOE IS ME.

My friend that recently found out she has basically gone through menopause and told she had a 5% chance of conceiving on her own (she's 26) had the most humbling response.  She said "Looks like God is going to use me to do a miracle through."  Wow. I've never once looked at it like this.

3.  Lastly, I felt pure rage last Sunday because after the injection, IUI, monitoring, and then just getting 1.5 million sperm, I jumped back into my "God is mean" attitude.  I cried and cried and cried.  I even complained about "how God could let me walk into pick up my hgc shot and run into a couple who had their 3 day old baby."  I went on about how cruel it was that He let that moment that I went to get the shot be the same moment I ran into this couple. 

Today, 2 people in our community died.  A 15 year old boy and a 26 year old youth pastor.  Drowned.  I was mad about the coincidence of running into new parents?  What about the coincidence of having a terrible accident?  If that 15 year old boy had simply decided to stay home.  Or if that youth pastor hadn't wanted to take a picture of that waterfall.  I feel like I have no right to complain about timing. 
I went to the youth pastor's facebook wall.  He had had a beautiful girlfriend.  This is what she had posted:

cannot even begin to describe the echoing scream inside my soul...a big piece of my heart died with you, Brett... this storm of thoughts and emotions is overwhelming to me. SO many people cherished and loved you; the things everybody has said ring so true to the core... thank you for forever changing my heart, my soul, my mind, and my life... your impact on everyone around you and God's kingdom is evident.

Even though I don't know these people, my heartaches for them.  For her.  There is a scream inside her soul.  I want a child so bad.  It hurts.  But I HAVE to keep perspective and not lose sight of the beautiful life I do have.  I can cry, I can be disappointed, I can be mad, I can long and hurt, and I will, but I can't question God.  Dear God, I'm sorry. Thank you for the beautiful life You have given me.  I don't understand Your ways, but I trust You.