Are You Pregnant?

November 20, 2013, 84 hours after the fact.

*little disclaimer, part of grieving advice is journaling.  Obviously this has been my place to do that.  I can spit out the emotions and it helps me cope and move on.  Although we are rock bottom I cannot secretly hope that this is not how our story ends.

For people that have been following me for awhile, they knew that I HATED people telling me "how small" "how teeny" "how I wasn't even showing." For someone who is tall and pretty flat stomached, I thought I looked super pregnant but it seemed like everyone wanted to ask "are you sure you are carrying twins?" From 9 weeks on I was carrying a present in my purse, a Starbucks card, for the first stranger who asked me "Are you pregnant?" in public.  Well, it didn't happen.  My water broke at 17 weeks and I have been on strict bed rest for the last 5 weeks-not leaving my home or the hospital.  17 weeks to 21 weeks is a huge "growth spirt" in pregnancy and although I didn't realize it, I began to look very pregnant at this 5 month mark.

It wasn't till I got home from delivering Jude that I noticed.  I forgot that the uterus is a muscle and takes weeks to contract down.  I still look 5 months pregnant and I cannot express in words the HATE I feel towards my body.  I use to hug and admire and measure my growing belly and the miracles inside but now its just a cruel reminder.  And my breasts?  I have somehow, almost overnight gone from super flat to porn star boobs. My milk is coming in in full force and my chest is rock solid.  Darren has to bind my chest with tight bandage strips and I can't hug people.  Last night was the first time I have been in public since October 18.  I wore a loose dress that I  thought hid it well.  But then, as we all know murphy's law, I got asked the question I had so desperately wanted to hear a month ago.

I was at Bath and Body works, my eyes puffier and redder than ever but me composed looking at soaps.  An employee came up to me.  Smiled this super huge sweet smile, pointed to my stomach and said "How ya doing?" This was the moment.  I said "What?" She repeated it, pointing to my stomach.  "I'm alright."  Darren walks in and she tells him he better carry my bags.  All the sudden, I transformed from a confident woman to an insecure 7th grader and worked to cover my stomach with my purse the rest of the outing.  We ran to Target to try to get me some "in between clothes."  I can't stand to wear maternity clothes and I've mainly purchased tight, stomach hugging clothes.  We grabbed some huge sweaters and large shirts and went to the dressing room.  Then I saw it.

My body.  I was surrounded by mirrors where I could see my entire body.  My stomach looked bigger then ever.  My belly button is half out.  My chest was all loop sided wrapped in sport bras and bandages.  My back had a huge red mark from the epidural and was covered in red bed sores.  My thighs looked loose and gross and I've been sedatary for 5 weeks.  Every shirt was a no, it hugged me in the wrong spot or just made me look like I had some weird fat roll.  Finally we found a shirt that was loose enough to prevent people from asking.  I made Darren go through the check out line because I was using a "baby" Target gift card I got for my birthday. 

Then today we had to make the trip no mom should ever make.  Since the babies were born in Oregon and Brinly was born at 18 weeks and weighted 6 ounces, the hospital provides complimentary burial services; however any baby born after 20 weeks is a stillborn (legally) so we have no choice but to arrange funeral services for Jude (1 lb 3 oz).  I asked if we could pay a fee at the hospital for them to do it but that is not an option.  Our parents are taking care of the majority of it but we legally had to go to the funeral home to sign for his cremation.  There I was, sitting in a creepy room surrounded by tombstones and crosses and plaques with an incredibly obese funeral director asking me tons of questions (like the date of my last period-seriously??), bringing up sorry for the loss of 3 babies, going into details of the cremation process, and there was the folder that said "Jude Benson."  So sad.

On a lighter note, we are discussing next steps.  You would think that after this hell I've been through we would throw in the towel.  In fact the day before Jude's birth I was begging for a d&e but everyone (doctors and Darren) didn't love this because it could hurt my future fertility. Future fertility? I almost laughed.  Darren once worked with a  woman who was born without a uterus so all her life she grew up accepting/knowing she would never carry a child-I almost envied her because she had an answer.  I was convinced I was "done" as I was in labor and shaking from pain and crying.

But then Jude.  When Darren and I saw his face we both felt the same-our desire to have a biological child increased.  We want to meet Jude's siblings.  Whether we go the surrogacy route or I get the guts to try again (the water breaking was a freak accident not connected to our fertility issues), Jude's face is what told us to not stop. 

PLEASE.  I beg you if you know me to not just shoot out "why don't you just adopt?"  Why don't you just adopt?  (Maybe you did but most haven't). Adoption is a beautiful thing and I have see families created through it.  We are open to adoption if we truly feel that God is making it obvious that is His route for us and I'm 100% He will bring us to that point in His timing if that's His plan-but no doctor has told us we are done; at this point it would be wrong for us to adopt since neither of us feel that is the current route.  Plus, adoption in the US can be around $25,000 and that can fall through as well.  The other killer comment people say is "my friend's mom's sister's cousin's co-worker's daughter adopted and then they got pregnant!"  Statistically this only happens to 1% of couples.  If we decide to adopt we are not doing it to get pregnant.  Please don't judge us because we want to experience a biological child-upon evaluation of our "issues" our fertility doctor told us he thinks with time we could get pregnant on our own, we just jumped to IVF because we didn't want to take chances and were ready to start our family.  Again, we are open to adoption and always have been, it would just have to feel right, be the right fit,  and be clear-we are also open to it after a pregnancy to expand our family.  But in case you are wondering, we are not actively pursuing that -it could change as everything is fresh and we are praying for guidance with next steps.