Are You Pregnant?

November 20, 2013, 84 hours after the fact.

*little disclaimer, part of grieving advice is journaling.  Obviously this has been my place to do that.  I can spit out the emotions and it helps me cope and move on.  Although we are rock bottom I cannot secretly hope that this is not how our story ends.

For people that have been following me for awhile, they knew that I HATED people telling me "how small" "how teeny" "how I wasn't even showing." For someone who is tall and pretty flat stomached, I thought I looked super pregnant but it seemed like everyone wanted to ask "are you sure you are carrying twins?" From 9 weeks on I was carrying a present in my purse, a Starbucks card, for the first stranger who asked me "Are you pregnant?" in public.  Well, it didn't happen.  My water broke at 17 weeks and I have been on strict bed rest for the last 5 weeks-not leaving my home or the hospital.  17 weeks to 21 weeks is a huge "growth spirt" in pregnancy and although I didn't realize it, I began to look very pregnant at this 5 month mark.

It wasn't till I got home from delivering Jude that I noticed.  I forgot that the uterus is a muscle and takes weeks to contract down.  I still look 5 months pregnant and I cannot express in words the HATE I feel towards my body.  I use to hug and admire and measure my growing belly and the miracles inside but now its just a cruel reminder.  And my breasts?  I have somehow, almost overnight gone from super flat to porn star boobs. My milk is coming in in full force and my chest is rock solid.  Darren has to bind my chest with tight bandage strips and I can't hug people.  Last night was the first time I have been in public since October 18.  I wore a loose dress that I  thought hid it well.  But then, as we all know murphy's law, I got asked the question I had so desperately wanted to hear a month ago.

I was at Bath and Body works, my eyes puffier and redder than ever but me composed looking at soaps.  An employee came up to me.  Smiled this super huge sweet smile, pointed to my stomach and said "How ya doing?" This was the moment.  I said "What?" She repeated it, pointing to my stomach.  "I'm alright."  Darren walks in and she tells him he better carry my bags.  All the sudden, I transformed from a confident woman to an insecure 7th grader and worked to cover my stomach with my purse the rest of the outing.  We ran to Target to try to get me some "in between clothes."  I can't stand to wear maternity clothes and I've mainly purchased tight, stomach hugging clothes.  We grabbed some huge sweaters and large shirts and went to the dressing room.  Then I saw it.

My body.  I was surrounded by mirrors where I could see my entire body.  My stomach looked bigger then ever.  My belly button is half out.  My chest was all loop sided wrapped in sport bras and bandages.  My back had a huge red mark from the epidural and was covered in red bed sores.  My thighs looked loose and gross and I've been sedatary for 5 weeks.  Every shirt was a no, it hugged me in the wrong spot or just made me look like I had some weird fat roll.  Finally we found a shirt that was loose enough to prevent people from asking.  I made Darren go through the check out line because I was using a "baby" Target gift card I got for my birthday. 

Then today we had to make the trip no mom should ever make.  Since the babies were born in Oregon and Brinly was born at 18 weeks and weighted 6 ounces, the hospital provides complimentary burial services; however any baby born after 20 weeks is a stillborn (legally) so we have no choice but to arrange funeral services for Jude (1 lb 3 oz).  I asked if we could pay a fee at the hospital for them to do it but that is not an option.  Our parents are taking care of the majority of it but we legally had to go to the funeral home to sign for his cremation.  There I was, sitting in a creepy room surrounded by tombstones and crosses and plaques with an incredibly obese funeral director asking me tons of questions (like the date of my last period-seriously??), bringing up sorry for the loss of 3 babies, going into details of the cremation process, and there was the folder that said "Jude Benson."  So sad.

On a lighter note, we are discussing next steps.  You would think that after this hell I've been through we would throw in the towel.  In fact the day before Jude's birth I was begging for a d&e but everyone (doctors and Darren) didn't love this because it could hurt my future fertility. Future fertility? I almost laughed.  Darren once worked with a  woman who was born without a uterus so all her life she grew up accepting/knowing she would never carry a child-I almost envied her because she had an answer.  I was convinced I was "done" as I was in labor and shaking from pain and crying.

But then Jude.  When Darren and I saw his face we both felt the same-our desire to have a biological child increased.  We want to meet Jude's siblings.  Whether we go the surrogacy route or I get the guts to try again (the water breaking was a freak accident not connected to our fertility issues), Jude's face is what told us to not stop. 

PLEASE.  I beg you if you know me to not just shoot out "why don't you just adopt?"  Why don't you just adopt?  (Maybe you did but most haven't). Adoption is a beautiful thing and I have see families created through it.  We are open to adoption if we truly feel that God is making it obvious that is His route for us and I'm 100% He will bring us to that point in His timing if that's His plan-but no doctor has told us we are done; at this point it would be wrong for us to adopt since neither of us feel that is the current route.  Plus, adoption in the US can be around $25,000 and that can fall through as well.  The other killer comment people say is "my friend's mom's sister's cousin's co-worker's daughter adopted and then they got pregnant!"  Statistically this only happens to 1% of couples.  If we decide to adopt we are not doing it to get pregnant.  Please don't judge us because we want to experience a biological child-upon evaluation of our "issues" our fertility doctor told us he thinks with time we could get pregnant on our own, we just jumped to IVF because we didn't want to take chances and were ready to start our family.  Again, we are open to adoption and always have been, it would just have to feel right, be the right fit,  and be clear-we are also open to it after a pregnancy to expand our family.  But in case you are wondering, we are not actively pursuing that -it could change as everything is fresh and we are praying for guidance with next steps. 

47 comments:

  1. When you are ready, please read this blog: This is a woman who lost her son due to premature delivery. Now, yes, she did adopt two boys because her health problems prevented her from trying again with pregnancy for a while, BUT...she is pregnant now and doing well (over 30 weeks along). Maybe it will give you some hope...
    http://whenhellomeansgoodbye.blogspot.com

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  2. Next time someone tells you to "just adopt", please, send them my way. The fact that anyone would even have the audacity to bring that up to you period, let alone right now makes me furious. I might just be a little over protective over here but you know what I mean. You Holly, are so strong. I know it doesn't seem that way but really, I'm sure everyone who is reading this is thinking the same thing I am. For you to endure everything you have up to this point, and then to lose the triplets- and STILL want to fight infertility, I am standing up applauding and cheering you on. You're amazing and I know you CAN and WILL do this- you will overcome all of this and I pray that this day comes soon. You and Darren both deserve it more than anyone. Whenever you get a chance, even if it's weeks or months from now please email me. Especially if you are going to go swinging back at IVF, my husband and I want to help and I think we might be able to in a (small) way. Sending all of our love and prayers your way.

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    1. I agree with you whole heartedly here. As I mentioned in my comment below. People are ignorant when it comes to all of this because they haven't suffered through something like this. It's been almost nine years since my loss and I STILL have to deal with people that are just flat out stupid.. on a weekly basis I have to tell myself, "forgive them for their blissful ignorance". You are right Megan-- Holly WILL overcome this!

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    2. Megan and Holly,
      Both of you are so incredible. I am in awe of how strong both of you are. Holly I came to your blog through my cousin Megan and have thought and prayed over and over for you just as I have for Megan. I wish I would have had friends like both of you have when I was going through IVF and during the times when I lost our 4 precious babies. My heart goes out to you holly. I wish I could reach through my phone and hug you. Since I started reading your blog two weeks ago I cannot get you off of my mind. I have something that I would love to send to you and actually have one for Megan too but just haven't been able to give it to her. After my first loss I started making bracelets for pregnancy and infant loss, remembering our babies. I'm sure you know but there is a day October 15th that is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance/awareness day. Wearing my bracelet helped me cope with losing my babies. My husband wanted something as well so I made him something to hang from his rearview mirror in his truck. I would love to make and send you one to remember your 3 precious babies. And Megan please forgive me I have yours sitting on my table next to my bed and have had it made since the day I found out about your loss time has gotten away from me and I feel horrible for not getting it to you a long time ago. So please forgive me. Holly if you could email me you address and size of your wrist I would be honored to make one for you. My email address is mlynnabell@gmail.com. still praying for you and thinking of you. Lots of hugs to you sweetie. Melissa.

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  3. I have nothing to offer other than how incredibly amazing I think you are for sharing your experience. I came to your page through another infertility blog a few weeks ago and I cry each time I read your posts. I pray for you to get through this time and carry a take home baby when the time comes.

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  4. Your emotions are so raw and real and I think you are stunningly beautiful. I've never met you but if we're going by what I read her, you are an amazing woman, friend, mom. What you are recording here will help someone going through the same thing while it also helps you to grieve. You are brave. I feel so sad when I read your words. I pray for peace for you both.

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  5. Oh my goodness you inspire me! Your are the epitome of a woman of strength! Thank you for that! I can't even tell you how your story has impacted me just as a person! I'm praying for you guys and I know God is going to use your story in a mighty way and has so many blessings stored up for you! Can't wait to see what he does with your amazing audacious faith!!! Take care of you!

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  6. For many people , having a plan on how to proceed from this point on is imperative. For you, getting pregnant again, either through IVF or naturally should be possible. The next goal is a safe pregnancy. I know many, many people who lost twins/triplets, and got pregnant with a singleton and carried that baby to term easily. One thing I'd strongly recommend is checking your vitamin D blood levels now: if you were deficient (you also need to figure out how deficient), then having high levels the next time around, and being pregnant with only one baby could strongly increase your chances of a perfectly safe pregnancy.

    Another option, though I'm not pushing it, is surrogacy. I'm somebody who had three first trimester losses and decided to go for surrogacy in India. That comes to about 15,000 USD.

    It's hard to know the way forward now, but it will come to you in time.

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  7. One of my blog readers sent me your blog a day ago. I read your very fresh, raw story and bawled. Last May I lost twin boys at 20 weeks, over a toilet in a hospital where they were birthed into my hands. Alive. Then we tried to adopt. And 6 months into it that fell through. Then I got pregnant. I finally carried a baby to full term (even my daughter was a day under 37) and 4 days after he was born they discovered he had a severe heart condition. We were flight for life'd to Dallas, waited for 2 1/2 weeks for a heart transplant, and he was denied, and died in my arms on his 3 week birthday.
    You're not alone. And I'm sorry you joined such a shitty group, because it's not where anyone wants to be. Your words help heal my very broken heart. I know you don't care and it's not what you want to hear and you're probably reading this thinking, "Great, another sad story" but please know that you can feel however you want and it's ok. I am so, so sorry for the postpartum crap you have to deal with and the faces that won't go away and the trauma you're working through. I wish none of us ever, ever had to deal with this. I'm so sorry.
    If you ever want to connect, my blog is http://dianawrote.com and email is hello@dianawrote.com
    I'm here when/if you're ready and I'll just listen. Please write and vent and let the stupidity that will come roll off your back. Take the grace and pain for your loss others give instead.

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  8. Oh there is a million things I want to say. I have been there, it is a dark place. Pull together with your husband and in God. My story is oh so different and yet so the same. Short story: we tried on our own for 14 months and the month before taking clomid we got pregnant, at our 7 week u/s we found out it was twins. I believed this was why God made us wait, b/c he was giving us 2. I knew they were identical b/c there was no way I ovulated 2 eggs. That was September of 2009, over Christmas and the New Years I was counting down the days to our 18w u/s. I knew something was wrong looking back, but was too naive to believe it. At the u/s we found out they were gone, my identical twin boys were still born January 9th, 2010. They were beautiful. My OB said we had to wait 3 months before trying again and we were lucky and got pregnant again the first month of clomid, we had a miracle little boy. Trying for another child ended up being much harder, 6 rounds of clomid, IUI's,a chemical pregnancy, then injectable cycles, then IVF#1 transfered 2....big fat negative and no frozen embryos and an empty pocket book. We had to do one more IVF and after transferring 2 again we just had another little boy. I hope its ok that I am sharing all this. I remember reading blogs of loss and then having hope when I saw them go on to have children. If you want you are welcome to read my blog of all our struggles. This link should take you to our twins birth story if you are interested: http://jeannasmotherhoodjourney.blogspot.com/2010/01/baby-boys-holmes-birth-story.html

    As I read your blog tonight I remembered all those feelings again and even more my heart breaks b/c you are in the middle of it. I wish I could promise that you will come out on the other side. Still to this day I can't believe I have been pregnant 4 times and have 5 children and only 2 on this earth. I have used my loss and my pain and I reach out to women in my life that have had losses and if my story or blog can give a moment of comfort to anyone then somehow it makes some sense in this world.

    Adoption is right for some families, but only you and your husband will know when that time is right for you. We always thought it was a back up plan, but our desire for biological children was stronger than we knew. So don't let anyone make you feel bad for wanting what others so easily get.

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  9. Holly, I still can't believe all that is happening. I got your gift in the mail today... it made me so sad. Thank you so much for it. I totally feel your choices towards adoption. I can honestly say I'm grateful for getting the notice that we couldn't have children. God has a plan for you. I don't know why these things have happened but I know he has a great plan. You are in my heart and in my prayers!

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  10. I think you hit the nail on the head--"the water breaking was a freak accident not connected to our fertility issues"--that is exactly what it was. A freak accident. You WILL have a biological child, I have no doubt in my mind. Stay strong friend.

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  11. I believe you will go on to have lots and lots of biological children. I totally agree with on the adoption section. My mother in law (my husbands step mom) called not too long ago and said, "maybe it's time to start thinking of adoption." Who says that? My husband told her that unless you have the desire and the heart for adoption then you don't need to do it "just to get a baby". So I totally agree with you. If God has given you the desire to have your own children then He will fulfill that desire. He is faithful. Keep hoping and trusting in Him. Praying for you!

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  12. I hate when people have advice for how you are supposed to get your children into your family. You have to do what works for you and your husband. Adoption definitely is no walk in the park. Its just a different fight. I also believe you will have your babies biologically.
    Even though I don't know you, I know you are still beautiful, inside and out.
    You are so brave and such an amazing, strong woman! Sending lots of love your way!

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  13. A changed body is a shocking reality for someone who had a normal pregnancy, so I can only imagine how cruel this is. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

    Regarding the adoption argument, it always angers me that there's this idea that adoption is a form of fertility treatment. But the fact you are having to deal with this false assumption while you are grieving the loss of your children just boggles my mind! It's beyond cruel and terribly disrespectful. If you continue to be pestered by this assumption, I highly recommend you have these well-meaning though clueless people read this recent post by an ALIer who recently adopted. She addresses every point you brought up and basically makes a case that takes the "just" out of adopting. http://acoursetothefinishline.wordpress.com/2013/11/19/lets-be-honest-just-adopting-is-easier-said-than-done/

    Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Sending love.

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  14. Cabbage.. line your bra in it.. when it wilts.. re-line it. Google it. It's a miracle for engorgement. I was a surrogate.. saved my poor boobs.

    Praying for you <3 Every.Single.Time.I.Think.Of.You.

    XoX

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  15. I hear you on adoption. My first therapist told me repeatedly how traumatic my HG and loss were for my older son, and then asked how important biological children were for us. I wanted to hit her. All in the first 15min of our 1st appointment. I'm so sorry if people are saying that to you. Also, peppermint and sage tea, as well as sudafed can help dry up milk. Big (gentle) hugs.

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  16. I completely understand about "why don't you just adopt" & "my so & so person tried for years & then adopted & then got pregnant!" I am like - i am so glad that happened for them but that doesn't mean it will happen for me! And they throw adoption out there like THAT'S also super easy?! I don't get it. Only people who have not experienced infertility say these things.

    I go to a support group for infertility (best thing i have done!) & at one point i went to an infertility workshop. They had an adoption workshop & I went to it, out of curiosity, in case one day down the line I decide adoption is for us. But i loved that the speakers were VERY clear about how you have to come to the decision to adopt on your own & you have to first grieve the idea of having your own biological children (if that hasn't worked out). I loved how they were not pushy at all - just informative & there if you had any questions. I don't know why people always say so casually, "just adopt!" like it's that easy! Ugh.

    I am so sorry about all you are going through. I am going to be praying for you & your husband continually.

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  17. Reading through this reminds me of a place I was at 5 years ago when we lost our Hannah at 19 weeks...I begged for a D&E as well, and then demanded my tubes be tied....The grief and fear of pain can really cause you to make some crazy assumptions and decisions...But after the shock wears off, Hope keeps whispering...I am so sorry for all you have endured...My heart breaks watching you live this....Hang in there...I believe your journey to YOUR precious take home baby is NOT over...I wish I could tell you it will all work out great next time, or it wont be as hard, but truth is, none of us really know what the future will bring, but I will do everything I can to war for you in the spirit and pray for your healing and then finally, success...

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  18. You and Darren are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. I have had miscarriages but never so far along, and I can only imagine the heart wrenching grief that is consuming you both right now. I do pray and hope that time brings you peace. I also think this isn't the end of your story and that someday, somehow, you will bring your baby home. I just know it for you - you're meant to have this. That said, you don't need to make any decisions today about how you will have your family. Take time to grieve and heal and when you're ready, talk to your doctor. It was a freak accident - you can carry a child to term and I don't think anyone can judge you for wanting to do it yourself. I hope it all works out for you and one day, this chapter of your life will be closed. Praying for you guys always. xo

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  19. I am so so so sorry. I know there are no words anyone can say to make this better or make you feel better...just know how sorry I am. Praying for you, dear! (I am a new reader and happy to be following along).

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  20. Oh Holly, that was certainly a cruel and unfortunate day! I don't think any of those of us who have not experienced infant loss can possibly understand what you're dealing with, but what my mind can even imagine is so horrendous and overwhelming... I think I would be in a corner in the dark sobbing my life away. I think of you constantly and continue to lift up you and your husband in prayer. I'm believing with you that you are not done... asking the Lord to provide a clear path for you both when you're ready! Hugs!

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  21. Holly, I am also in Portland and suffered a number of early losses. I recommend to all the women I've met through resolve that they consider a naturopath to look into other issues. Vit D or B11 deficiencies, mthfr, clotting, etc. Mayve you already have done this. I just started following your blog. Dr. Leigh Ann Chapman in Sellwood is great.

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    1. Silly phone cut me off early. If you haven't already, also consider resolve meetings in PDX or Brief Encounters meetings (also PDX). My heart is broken for you and I am so angry this happened to you and Darren.

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  22. You are beautiful and wonderfully and fearfully made in HIS image!! I hope you can look in the mirror and know you are adopted, redeemed, forgiven, loved and the daughter of the most High King.

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  23. Along with that type of advice people kept telling me "oh you'll be fine and everything is fine" meaning with the baby. Everytime I heard that I'd think no you dont know that everything is ok and turns out it wasn't. I know people mean well but I feel like just offering someone an ear to listen to them or pray for them is the best thing in the world. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us and you are in my continued prayers. I can't wait to see how God works in your lives each day from here on out.

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  24. The adoption comment is much. People assume it's easy, but it's not. My co-worker went through a similiar situation as you at 36 and lost twins and had to bury them, but then a couple of years later she had a beautiful baby boy. His name is Weslee and he's 12 now. I think take some time to grieve and let you body recoop and regroup. You're still very young.

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  25. You guys are always in my thoughts friend. I still have no words except that I am praying. And I have faith that you will bring home a baby at the end of your journey. And then you can tell them about their beautiful siblings that are looking down on them from heaven. Your strength amazes me.

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  26. Holly.. my milk came in full force after my son Miller was born still. I put red cabbage in my bra and it stopped the milk within 3 days. I totally reccommend that.. especially since that's the last thing you need to deal with right now! Just a suggestion of what helped with me. Once again, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Beware-- people are going to say a lot of stupid, hurtful, and just downright mean things to you.. but the thing is, (and you've probably already experienced this) they just simply don't know what to say or what they are saying. I had to live by the motto of "forgive them for their blissful ignorance". I'm here for you if you need to talk to someone who has been through the stillborn journey or if you need some resources, etc. And journaling is a great way to deal with grief.. my actual journal, from the first year after Miller's birth and death, is what I had published and is now on Amazon. Thinking of you and praying for you and Darren. XOXO

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  27. I know EXACTLY where you're coming from on the whole adoption front. I can't tell you how many times people told that to me. I became very bitter about it and toward anyone who mentioned it to me. It's not fair, trust me, I know. But I can def tell you that if adoption is the way the Lord wants you to go, He will make that clear to you. We just started the adoption process. To say I am so sorry about everything that has happened to you and your husband would not even cover the amount of sadness I feel. I know there are no words that are going to make you feel better or take the pain away, but please know that you are in my prayers. Just keep holding on to each other, and to your faith.

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  28. Holly - my name is Polly. I only recently started following your blog. I'm very sorry for you and Darrens losses. I do not know what it feels like. I won't pretend it can't be "that bad". Because I can hear your hurt in every word you've posted. I've been praying for you and will continue to do so. I just have to add a little snark. Some people are real douche bags and have no self control when it comes to diarhhea of the mouth. I hope in the coming days, weeks, and months you'll encounter fewer and fewer of them. Also, if people are quick to judge your need to have a biological child, they cannot understand what longing for a child of your own feels like. Until next time, much love for you and Darren. *hugs*

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  29. Holly, I am so sorry! I hate that you are going through this just as much as I hate that I know exactly how you are feeling. Please know I am praying for you and think you are doing great!

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  30. So many prayers! It feels so unfair that milk comes in even when your child doesn't. Lifting you up!

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  31. I like how you say if you find the courage to try again....after all you have been through that is exactly what it would take. I hate that the joy of any subsequent pregnancies will be taken from you because of the worry and concern you will feel. I understand your desire to have a biological child, don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for that desire. I pray for your peace and acceptance and most of all I pray for the day we get to read about you holding your child in your arms after a successful and healthy pregnancy and delivery. I always said I can't imagine wanting to have a child and not being able to have one easily....it must be so hard. I have no experience, but my heart goes out to you a million times over. I will be praying for you always, and hope your dreams come true. You two are already such amazing parents to your little babies in heaven, your children here are on earth how ever they come to you are so lucky to have you.

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  32. Someone in my baby loss support group posted the link to your story a while back. I've been checking up on you ever since. I sat in this same chair begging God to let you keep Brinly, then I whispered, "NO!" when I read she had died, I prayed and prayed you would get to keep Jude....today I sit here and cry. I am so so sorry you have been sent down this path. While I have a story that is similar only in the fact that I also delivered a perfect, still little girl I know that no two losses are the same. I can not and will not say I know how you feel. But I know how I've felt. I know how I've felt like I was drowning while everyone around me watched and no one could or would do anything. I know the tears I've cried over the last year. I also know how those tears almost seem pointless because they hardly lessen the pain. But, I also know God won't send us alone. "'Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For thou art with me". Oh, it certainly doesn't always feel that way and there have been multiple times I've asked Him WHY but He is there. And needing to survive moment by moment has turned to surviving day to day. My heart breaks for you. It isn't fair. I'll continue to pray. Please feel free to contact me if you want someone to talk to...sometimes a stranger is easier! Hugs to you.

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  33. Praying for you all. I have sent a FB message to Darren, went to his "other" in case you haven't seen it. Don't expect a response unless our lives are meant to be connected =)

    I always find comfort in this song by Ginny Owens:

    The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
    And I don't know the reason why you brought me here
    But just because you love me the way that you do
    I'm gonna walk through the valley
    If you want me to

    Cause I'm not who I was
    When I took my first step
    And I'm clinging to the promise
    You're not through with me yet
    So if all of these trials
    Bring me closer to you
    Then I will go through fire if you want me to

    It may not be the way I would have chosen
    When you lead me through a world that's not my home
    But you never said it would be easy
    You only said I'd never go alone

    So when the whole world turns against me
    And I'm all by myself
    And I can't hear you answer my cries for help
    I'll remember the sufferin' your love put you through
    And I will go through the valley
    If you want me to.

    May you find peace and I hope that it brings you comfort that across many miles there are people who are praying for you and all of your babies.

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  34. My heart breaks for you guys and the only thing I can say of any comfort is that I will hold you guys in my prayers today and tomorrow and always.

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  35. I completely understand wanting a biological child. I was married twice before finding my soulmate;we have been married 17 years now. We both had our own children when we met. Mine were almost grown. He had a vasectomy after his two were born. I had an extreme case of endometriosis when we met. We too wished for biological children just one made of US. Due to the costs involved of raising 4 children and a reversal of his vas plus my endo we didn't pursue it. To this day we regret it. Keep trying until you feel you just can't anymore. You will know when that time comes. My heart breaks for you and Darren. I hope your grief passes quickly and you BOTH feel joy and happiness soon. I wish for you to feel the warmth of the sun and the love that all of us are sending you.

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  36. People say stupid and insensitive things because they just don't understand. I am so incredibly sorry about that lady in bath and body. Your body might not be the image you want it to be right now, but you ARE a beautiful person. Your faith is inspiring and a testimony to others. My heart goes out to you and Darren.

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  37. I am so inspired by your faith and your rock solid relationship. I am sorry for the things people say when trying to offer advice or "compliments". I hope that you are blessed with the chance to meet Judes and Brinlys siblings. Thinking of you.

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  38. I'm so sorry you got that question now, after waiting so long for it and after going through this terrible loss. I was so worried someone would ask just that, but I was lucky (well, and I hid at home for a while).
    And I so understand the wish, the desire for siblings for your lost children. We felt the same way after holding our daughters.

    As for the breasts, my hospital leaflet said binding them tight doesn't help, so I stopped doing that as it hurt. Ice packs for 20min and expressing a little milk to take off the worst pressure helped me. And yet - I had read about this but it still surprised me - it was emotionally painful to have the milk dry up. It was what my body was trying to do for my babies, and hit hurt to have this reminder of their lives come to an end.
    Hang in there. I'm thinking so much of you and Darren.

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  39. I got the just adopt question many times during our struggle to conceive and people just have no idea what they're talking about. Yes, adoption is a beautiful thing, but it's also insanely expensive, invasive, can take years and is in no way as easy as the flippant question. It also ignores the desire to have a biological child. Keep trying for the child you want by whatever means you want it. Most people are lucky enough to never understand the devastation of infertility and have no idea how insensitive their questions can be. You will get your babies. I am so sorry you are having to wait so long for them and go through so many unimaginable challenges.

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  40. I am so sorry for your losses. No one should ever make the remark to "just adopt". Everyone has the right to have a biological child if they want. I'm a surrogate here in Oregon and my first couple that I worked with researched and found that surrogacy was about the same price as adoption. My heart goes out to you and I'll be thinking of you and praying that someday soon you have the family you've been waiting for.

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  41. I will be reading your blog daily waiting on the news of a baby for you.

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  42. I'm so sorry people are trying to give you advice on how to create your family. No one can make that decision except you and your husband and only the two of you will know what's right for you. HUGS!

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  43. Praying for you and Darren, Holly. Especially praying that The Lord will comfort you as only another grieving parent can.

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  44. So many people told me to adopt and used that same story..."I know someone that adopted and got pregnant within the month" I experienced infertility for 3 years, had miscarriages, lost my twin girls at 24 weeks and I sit here now with my 4 and 2 year old sons on my lap. It can happen to you too. Just be sure to give yourself time to heal your heart and body first. My dr made me wait 6 months to try again just to make sure my body was ready to hold another baby. I ended up requiring surgery, but afterwards, I got pregnant. I am praying for the same happy ending for you.

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