The Wonderful Way Babies are Made

July 24, 2013

I didn't know about sex until I was in 3rd grade.  I was homeschooled that year and I remember my mom ordering this book called "The Wonderful Way Babies are Made"


The book had "large print" for children (for example: when a mommy and daddy really love each other they can make a baby); the book also had "small print" for the detailed, scientific way (example the mommy and daddy lay next to each other and then.....well, you get it).  I had heard the large print several times.  I remember the day clearly mom read me the small print; I mean the real beez naz.

I was horrified, disgusted and in shock.  I was convinced the world had gone mad and convinced that I would NEVER do that.  I even said it, "Mom, I'm never doing that." 

My little sister got the small print treatment a couple years later.  Some how she missed something because that night when Dad got home from work, she stormed up in him with a very angry scowl (poor Dad didn't know mom had just revealed life's deepest secret to her) and she looked up at him holding up 3 very angry fingers and said, "I can't believe you did that to mom THREE times!" (There are 3 kids in our family).  I think Dad took a couple steps back and then called for my mom.   Heidi and I were both again horrified to find out people do this for fun?  What the beep? 


Obviously as I got older, The Wonderful Way Babies are Made started to sound, well, enticing.  I had committed to wait till my wedding night so I didn't experience the "first part" of the small print till I was 26.  As time went on though, I mean when we were ready to have a baby, I realized something was off.  For me, The Wonderful Way Babies are Made was a lie. 

Lying in my loving husbands embrace turned into cold speculums and catheters.  "Making love" to make a child slowly began to fade.  At first, in the beginning, it really stung.  I was taking pills, and crying, and trying shots and ultrasounds and predictor kits.  I started to despise sex because all it would remind me of was that it wasn't resulting in what it is supposed to do.  This just isn't how the book said things would go.  As time went on fighting the IF journey, I let it go. 

I accepted that there are other ways for babies to be made; they aren't the same type of wonderful that involves passionate sex with your adored husband, but they are wonderful in the sense that they can still let a baby be made. 

I might write a book for mom's to read to their IVF or IUI or surrogate or embryo adopted or sperm donated or egg donated babies (I know some already exist).  Or maybe I'll make a sequel called "The Many Wonderful Ways Babies are Made."  I've been sad for a long time that that book mom read me back in 1992 was wrong; at least for us.  But as I accept there are other ways, I'm deciding to forgive that book for lying to me and praise the Lord for the fact that there are now more than 1 way and to pray that although He clearly closed the door, He opens a window. 

Every Hour

July 22, 2013

We all know the waiting is really really hard.  The mind plays tricks.  Every twinge or non twinge causes anxiety.  We find ourselves feeling feelings of hope and excitement and then our brain "catches" it and reminds us to guard ourselves.  Waiting is so hard.

I came across this worship song called "Lord I Need You" by Chris Tomlin and it's so embedded in my heart and spirit that I wake up with the lyrics playing in my head.  I truly need Him every hour through this. (I'll paste lyrics at bottom of post)

In other thoughts, I came across 2 really good "perspectives" of explaining infertility.

1.  (my own) it's like a sliver.  No one can see it, you always know its there, and it hurts really bad at times and other times its just a nusince.  My husband had a deep sliver after working on the bark dust . "It hurts so bad, I want it out, I can feel it as I walk and it's annoying," says my husband.  "Darren," I reply, "You my love have just defined infertility."  I went on to explain that if he says "don't think about it or relax" that it's physically impossible, just like a deep sliver.

2.  I was blog reading and came across this post on  http://hiddeninfertility.blogspot.com  blog.  It is beautiful in regards to explaining the weight of infertility and might make people that tell us to see the glass "half full" shut it. ;)

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full" question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?"

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

 

She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything."

Lots of stuff on my mind, trying to remember that I truly need Him every hour and to breathe through the wait. 

 

[Verse 1:]
Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart

[Chorus:]
Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

[Verse 2:]
Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

[Bridge:]
So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay

 

Transfered 3-Day 5 Embryos on Transfer Round #3

July ish, 2013

This week has definitely allowed me to flex my faith muscles.  Last fresh cycle I felt like the embryologist called me daily for updates.  The last update I got was on Day 3 that all 11 were still in the running.  As a worrier, I flashed back to my last cycle.  All TWENTY were still in the running on Day 3 but just 6 made it to blastocyst and out of the 4 "perfect" ones transferred, I'm still not pregnant.  Eleven seemed a lot slimmer to me and of course worse casenario is nothing makes it to Day 5.  On the bright side, I have trained my mouth and mind to whisper Jesus and remind myself no matter what I do/don't do, He is in control and makes the call.

On a great note, since they triggered me a day early (day 8) I had 1 day of mild bloating but by the 3rd day after SURGERY I shoveled dirt for our yard and my parents for 3 hours and mowed the lawn.  AND shoveled bark dust.  The best part of all this was after we did our yard, I decided to help my dad (they are our neighbors) and he gave me $10!  LOL, it was like a little allowance.   I feel amazing and am so thankful I avoided OHSS.

I got the call today, Day 5, that it was "game time" and that I won the "best embryos of the day" award.  I'm guarded because last time I got that award too.  Just because they are "high quality" doesn't mean they implant or that they are normal (flashback early miscarriage).

I over zealously filled my bladder.  The embryologist came to talk to us and said he was shocked our FET didn't work (they dethawed beautifully) but that infertility is unpredictable (no crap).  He went on to say that we have SEVEN blastocysts that meet freezing criteria with a possible 2 more he can add tomorrow.  I was shocked because last time we just had 6 with more than double the fertilized embryos to begin with.  I told him I wanted to transfer 3.  He laughed.  Then realized I wasn't kidding.  He asked "why?"  I pointed out that FOUR high quality had been transferred and that nothing stuck.  He stared a me and my husband silently and said "you will have to talk to the Dr."

Well, I was one step ahead of him and had talked with her a few days before.  We know the risks but at this point with this being our 11th total treatment (including IUIs) I don't want to mess around.  Triplets would be nuts, and our goal is a healthy baby, but I do want to do this again.

The Dr. did her best to try to re-convince me one last time "you're young, your embryos are good" but she said, "I'm fine with 3" and as she was setting up said the chances of all 3 sticking are slim anyway.  I would be lying if I said Darren didn't look a little nervous with all the concern, but we had prayed God would make it clear if we were to not tranfer 3, and we both felt peace about it.  We decided to transfer our two "BEST" 4AA embryos and then lucky number 7 (he said this last one was still like a B plus).  It went smooth.  The only small hiccup was I had to get up to go to the bathroom after 20 minutes (instead of waiting the 30-40 they prefer) but the nurse convinced me it was safe. 

Darren then drove me to an acupuncturist that was willing to be "on call."  It was different than the regular one I see but I felt better going.  The only annoying part was she asked me if I have had all my hormones checked and if my husband had been checked (read in sarcastic voice 'oh, we've only done 3 IVFs and haven't even thought of that?).  Lol. 

The nurse on duty today told me that I'm on "princess duty" and to lay low the rest of the day.  I've watched like 10 episodes of Arrested Development and whenever I need something I refer to my husband as "helper" instead of Darren :)  I feel peaceful now, praying that lasts the next 9 days.

*Final count:  17 retrieved, 11 mature, 11 fertilized, 9 made it to blastocyst, transfered 3, 6 frozen (added to our 2 other frosties from 1st transfer so we have 8 frosties total).  Infterility is so random. Last time had 20 mature fertilzied eggs and 6 made it to day 5; this time I had half that amount but 3 more made it?  So strange.  Of course several people I follow only ending up having TWO viable embyos total and still end up getting pregnant.  I've had tons of awesome ones and nothing yet. I know too well that ART isn't 100% guaranteed and although I'm thankful for the numbers, it doesn't mean they are all normal or healthy (we didn't pay for genetic testing)  But, for now I get to flash around the annoying term PUPO!  That's me!  Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise ;)

Egg Retrieval

July ish, 2013

Wow, time comes and goes so quickly.  The official 2WW has begun.  Egg retrieval.  CHECK!

Here's a brief recap of our day:

7:20 am left early to get to OHSU on time in case of traffic.

I woke up with peace and excitment.  I didn't "worry" the way there.  The only time I got nervous was when I was waiting on the bed. 

8:45 they called me back.  The anestegoligst was defiantly a talkitive hippi.  He was wearing a bandanna.  I was a little nervous because he said he was going to start me off "low."  I wanted to be OUT.  He did do a great job of getting in the IV.

Darren had to go give his "donation."  I BEGGED him to take pictures of the "artwork" in this special room.  He has talked about it and it sounded hilarious.  Naked abstract women. Perfect.

Once the IV was in, Dar came back and I had to listen to him and hippi sleep doctor shoot the birds about airplanes while we waited 20 minutes for our RE to come back.  In the middle of their conversation I said "Hey, do you guys want to bet money on how many eggs I get retrieved and the winner takes all?" Darren just laughs and the anethostigist said "ya, I'm in, I've never made money off a  patient before."  Ha ha ha.  Then he pointed out I had an unfair advantage since I've seen the ultrasounds.

Finally the RE came back and he started pumping his magic.  He just didn't pump enough.  I was in a lot of discomfort and too alert for my liking and I kept saying "is this normal?"  They got the message and after that I basically lost all my memories.

I could re-tell so many events from my last egg-retrieval so I told Darren to not tell me a thing and I would prove that I was alert.  I couldn't.  I didn't remember asking the nurse to draw "launching pads" on my hips for the PIO shots, I guess I asked "how many eggs did we get?" like 7 times, and apparently when I was recovering I kept telling Darren to take pictures of me!! (I'm so embarrassed about that, the staff probably thinks I'm nuts).  I did want a good "blogger" pic, but one that I was AWARE in.  I have NO memory of this but here she is.  The pictures Darren took literally looks like I'm on my dying death bed.  Oh well, at least there is evidence. 

They got 17 eggs.  Last time we had 24, but last time I was at a way higher risk for OHSS so they triggered me a day early.  I knew this would mean less eggs, but of course, it makes me worried too just because the 24 resulted in just 6 "viable" embryos but out of those, we have put in 4 and no pregnancy.  However, this is a beautiful opportunity to "let go and let God."  I can't do anything about it and at the end of the day, 'que sera' sera'  Now I have to trust Him.

I don't want to jinx myself, but the recovery so far has been AWESOME.  I'm up and walking around, have only take 1.5 pain meds, am eating, and it didn't kill to go to the bathroom.  I'm assuming the dreaded Bloat will come soon (or tomorrow) but I'm thankful that I'm probably not near as close to OHSS that I was last time.  *update-minus a tiny bloat the day after, 2 days after the surgery I shoveled bark dust for 3 hours.  Praise the Lord!

So now, I get to take the week off (I cancelled my 2 college courses I teach this week) and relax and pray. 

Pulling the Trigger

July 2013  (I'm trying to be vague with exact dates so I don't FREAK out, but this has recently happened)

What a whirlwind this cycle has been.  I took a night job for the graduate program at a university in Oregon so I've been busy thinking about that instead of the nightly injections and growing follicles.

The REs did start me on a lower dose this time.  I respond really really well.  Like too well to the point where it's bad.  Last time around they had me trigger shot on Day 9. 

After today's ultrasound there are 26 follicles and 15 are completely mature.  The RE on call (Dr. Wu, she is the one who did my first fresh transfer back in the fall) was pretty confident in doing it a day early.  She said they could push me one more day and get more mature follicles (last time they "harvested" 24) but she said she didn't want my estrogen levels super high and thought I would have a better chance at success if we cut it short and go over the 15ish that are mature.  She said I "could have" miscarried last time because of all the inflammations in the pelvis from the crazy amount of eggs retrieved.  She said "if you were doing a 'freeze all' I would push it out one more day and say go for it.  But since fresh cycles have higher success rates and the goal is to get you pregnant, I want you to trigger tonight."

I was a little shocked.  I was half excited (wow, we are doing something different from last cycle, this could be good) and a little scared (if I'm going to go through ALL this, I want to suck it up one more day and have more follicles).  I remember that my husband had encouraged me to trust the RE's judgement and God.  I have been praying that He would give them wisdom.

I had my first meltdown on the way home.  Crying on the freeway.  Crying because there is no turning back.  Crying because this amazing opportunity is so close.  Crying because I'm happy and excited.  Crying because I'm scared. 

Tonight I trigger at 9:00 pm.  Then I'm just 36 hours away from the "show getting started" and the beginning of the dreaded 2WW.  Here. We.  Go. 

Hope-In-Oil Injection

July 11, 2013

As I near the dreaded, big, scary, creepy, long progesterone in oil shots, I'm reminded of this image I saved awhile back:

For you women who have gone through IVF, this bottle looks a lot like what Lupron and Menopur come in.  At the point, with all our failed treatments behind us, I would actually load this med up in my PIO shot and shoot it in my booty if it gave me a burst.

I haven't gotten to the hard part yet (injections-no big deal, egg retrieval-challenging, 2WW-INSANITY).  BUT so far in this cycle, I have allowed myself to hope again.  Like, all out hope.  Not to be confused fully with "expectation" but plain and simple, there is a good chance this will work. 

I could sit here and worry.  I could sit here and play back ALL the failed attempts of the past and the "what ifs" and the "then whats." But this cycle I am making a conscious effort to not be negative.  And, I'm making a conscious effort to not go down the "it probably won't work again" road.  At the end of the month I'll know and its basically a 50% chance it works and 50% chance it won't.  I might as well "waste" all my energy on the 50% it will, since they are tied.  I found this quote on someone else's blog and am trying to embrace it:

“If you get caught up in the worst case scenario and it doesn’t happen, you’ve wasted your time. And if you are caught up in the worst case scenario and it does happen, you’ve lived it twice.” -Michael J. Fox

 

 

I know for sure I don't want to live any of the negative twice.  I'm not trying to be "new age" nor have I convinced myself that my brain controls the outcome.  100% Jesus Christ does.  He is the author and finisher of life and no matter what I do/don't do, ultimately He decides.  I've been blogging long enough to see PERFECT cycle end with BFNs and really grim looking cycles end in positives.  I've seen people get "surprises" (one lady did after 6 failed IVFs and adoption), and I've see couples embrace the desire to be parents is stronger than carrying the child and find their baby that route.  God will do what He has planned but I have the choice to be fearful, doubtful and miserable OR excited, hopeful, and content.  "But Holly," one might ask, "how are you going to feel if it doesn't work again?"  But I'm asking "How will I feel if it does?"  Whether I'm horrified and depressed through this or excited and thrilled, the outcome will be the same:  Super super sad or super super happy.

 

 

Lastly, there are two Bible verses pulling me through and I thought I'd share:

 

"But me, I not giving up.  I'm sticking around to see what God will do.  I'm wanting for God to make things right.  I'm counting on God to listen to me."  -Micah 7:7 (message)

 

And

 

 

"I will not cause pain without something new being born."  Isaiah 66:9

 

This last verse is especially important to me because IF I do get pregnant from THIS cycle, the day I could hear the first heartbeat would be the same day that my baby that I miscarried would have been born. 

 

I got to go.  I'm going to take an injection of hope ;)



It Still Stings

July 5, 2013

You would think that after over 2.5 year of infertility that I would have grown numb to other people's pregnancies. I'm 29 years old.  I am in the ZONE of EVERYONE and their MOTHER (yes, this happened) are getting pregnant.

I have posted several times about my process when I hear about someone pregnant.

1.  First I feel jealous/annoyed and kind of a "that's not fair" attitude.  Although it's easier when someone in the infertility land world gets their BFP, if I'm being 100% honest, I still get that initial kicker.  We were in the same boat and now they left it.  Waves of emotions come (I am NOT saying this is right, I'm aware of that.  Read on).

2.  Second, I feel bad that I'm jealous that something good happened to someone.  I am really really nice and that first emotion is really really mean.

3.  Third, guilt.  I'm evil!  Why am I crying that someone else got something I want?  That is wrong.

4.  Anger.  I'm angry that infertility has created this mean cycle in me.  Angry I feel guilty.  Angry that something I'm trying for for so ##^^#% long comes so @#@#%% easily for someone else (or sometimes harder if its from other infertiles).

5.  Sadness.  Deep deep sadness.  A reminder that I may never experience pregnancy.  No guarantees.  Again, "unfair" emotions of lucky person at least knows they will.

6.  Reconciliation.  Reflection.  Calming down.  Choosing to chose to be so happy for them.  So sad for me.

My YOUNGER sister who has a 10 month year old baby has a friend who is my age.  Her friend has been married a couple years and really relaxed about having kids later.  I think her knowing about my situation made her nervous to wait, so they decided to start trying (like 3 months ago). I  just found out she is pregnant.  My mind whirled. I honestly, physically cannot image getting pregnant with in 3 months of trying.  I know it happens.  A lot.  But I couldn't digest it.  I'm sitting here, injecting myself with hormones, praying for miracle, fighting for 36 months and BAM, 3 months? 

I know I know.  It's called fertility.  It's called being normal.  It's called being the 9 in 10 that don't have issues.  It stung me though and I don't even ever see this person.  Whoosh me through my 6 step process and I'm happy for her.

The funny thing is, I'm in a lose-lose situation.  As mentioned, even seeing "fellow" bloggers get pregnant is bitter-sweet.  It gives me hope and happiness that they no longer suffer, but in a way it magnifies my pain.  However, I say lose-lose because I'm rooting for these people too.  If they are not pregnant after a treatment, I feel deep sadness for them.  If they miscarry, I SOB.  Like big time cry. I don't want anyone to get pregnant and I don't want anyone not too (lol, can you hear my stims talking by chance?)  I found this "prayer" on a blog and had to share:

Lord, Give me Strength...

·         To keep my cool when another period starts.

·         To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her pregnancy.

·         To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her.

·         To endure my sister-in-law's comments about toilet training.

·         To keep from crying when I see children begging on the roads.

·         To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for two hours for a consultation - and then can't remember my name.

·         To make the right decision about treatment.

·         To maintain a good relationship with my husband in spite of all this

 

I know that this is a season and I trust that in time, I will carry a baby or that God will give us peace to go a different route and that the sting won't be so deep or harsh.  For all you women chasing your BFPs, I really really am rooting and really really am so happy for those that catch it and so sad for those that don't.  We all must keep hoping.

Infertility in Laymen's Terms

June 27, 2013

This is me on Lupron:

 

I would take hot-flashes any day over OHSS and all those other rough things that come with IVF treatment, but them leaving me on Lupron for longer than last time is H-O-T!

 

 

I recently had a conversation with my mother-in-law and dad (at separate times) trying to explain infertility. 

 

 

In life, most (note: I said most, not all) situations/challenges/issues are consequences of our choices.  I.E you have bad credit card debt?  You most likely made unnecessary purchases.  Overweight?  Wrong food choices.  Bad marriage? Maybe one of you is selfish or mean.  You get fired?  Probably didn't work hard. 

 

I personally have always loved a good challenge and I'm one of those "over achievers" who "make things happen."  When my husband and I got married 3.5 years ago he had over 100K in student loans and no degree (see example list above of decision:consequence).  HOWEVER, he didn't want to live his life in debt so we PUT IN discipline.  Blood, sweat, tears of forcing ourselves to use 1 of our entire paychecks to go towards the loans every single month.  We wanted new things, we wanted vacations, but we also wanted to have control of our finances: so we SACRIFICED.  But got results we wanted: financial peace.

 

In college, I graduated in 3 years.  I overloaded credits, I stayed in on the weekends (I know, nerd alert), I studied hard.  I graduated with a 3.9 and started teaching high school when I was 21.  I put in hard work, I reaped a degree and job. 

 

In my conversation with my dad, we talked about weight loss.  Many Americans are overweight and it's hard to lose.  BUT, anyone would agree that if the person truly committed, took action, dieted, ate right, exercised, etc. they would get the result they wanted.  It would be hard.  It would cost a lot of time, effort, etc.  BUT ultimately the choice/result is in their hands.

 

Again, massive disclaimer.  I know there are people that have to use credit cards to survive.  I know there are people with medical issues that make weight loss more challenging.  However, my point is, in MOST situations, you work hard-you get the results.  Ball in your court.

 

So, now.  Infertility.  This is what I said to my dad in regards to me having a struggle with "hope."

 

Imagine that you need to lose 100 pounds and you commit.  You're in.  You want it bad.  So, you follow the strictest diet perfectly.  You eat lots of fruits and vegies.  No sugar.  You exercise hard several days a week.  You deny yourself candy and treats because you want a healthy body more.  After 1 year of really really working hard you step on the scale.  It hasn't budged.  You still weigh the exact same as you did at the beginning of the year.

 

You feel mad.  Shocked.  Confused.  You did everything right.  You want to be healthy!  You do it again for year 2 but maybe consult another Dr. or nutritionist.  You go a step further.  You pay a lot of money.  You involve your body in hard physical challenges.  You eat perfectly.  Year 2 comes to an end.  You step on the scale.  You weigh the exact same.  Again.

 

At this point, it is harder and harder to believe that you will reach a healthy weight.  You are discouraged.  You become a little "harder" a little more cynical.  You look to the future wondering if it will ever work...

 

"This is how I feel dad"  I say, "This is how infertility has been for us."

 

We started off so pumped, so excited.  We took the right vitamins.  We don't drink alcohol.  My husband avoids hot-tubs at all costs.  We used OPKs and BBTs.  We did IUIs and monitoring and trigger shots and clomid.  Year 1 passed, no baby.

 

Year 2 is a little harder but we bring in the "big guns"  IVF.  At this point we are giving it our all.  Blood, sweat, tears, SPERM, eggs.  Injections, retrievals, transfers.  Everything we can possibly do emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually.  Nothing.

 

I'm not hopeless, dont' get me wrong.  I know there are many instances of "suddenly" in the Bible where out of nowhere ONE thing changes the course.  This even happened with me getting together with my husband.  I was single for so long (and nervous it would never happen) and then BAM out of nowhere God brought him into my life.  I'm not hopeless, just frustrated.  Infertility is not a consequence of me making bad choices, it's just part of living in a fallen world.  And no matter how hard I work towards getting results, I haven't yet.  It's hard sometimes.  I know God is reminding me that I am not in control.  I get that.

 

After having this conversation with my family, many light bulbs went on.  They could understand why I am "guarded" and not super overly excited for future IVFs.  I'm thankful.  I'm hopeful but I guarded.  I'm praying for a "suddenly" experience where despite the PAST, God does something new in my future. 



Keep Pounding the Rock

June 20, 2013

“When nothing seems to help, I go look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it, but all that had gone before.”

-Jacob Riies

My husband is a huge NBA fan and of course we have been watching the final series of the Miami Heat verses the San Antonio Spurs. I played bball in high school myself so I usually watch the games with him.

On Thursday we were watching the game and I mentioned how strange it is that now a days they actually film/broadcast what the coaches say to the players in the huddles.

Darren said, "well, all he ever says is "keep pounding the rock." 

Me:  "What?  Why?"

Darren:  "In theory if you keep pounding a rock, it will break.  The Spurs are steady and strong but older.  Their motto this year has been "keep pounding the rock." 

Me:  (I didn't respond out loud but get major epiphany) nod my head

It all the sudden totally applied to infertility to me (surprise surprise I could connect something to infertility since I'm never, wink wink, thinking about it). Pounding (in my case punching) a rock sounds really really painful.  I imagine a really sore hand.  Blood.  Lots of pain.  Frustration.  But, with the inspiration of the San Antonio Spurs, they believe if you KEEP pounding the rock it will eventually break.

In the world of IF, I have beat the living $%#^#&## out of the rock.  I am tired.  I am bloody.  I am frustrated.  But what if all I need is just a few more hits before it breaks?  What if I "give up" from all the pain and lack of movement when really one more strong punch would have done the trick?

Our IVF #3 is going to happen in July.  I have been pounding the rock for over two years.  Little weak hits of off-timed IUIs, some bigger hits with perfectly timed IUIs or even on our own, and my hands hurt bad.  IVF #3 is going to be an extra hard punch.   It will hurt (literally) but I pray that this will be the last swing I have to throw for a bit.

Father's Day Funk

June 17, 2013

Although we have been ttc for oh, 951 days or so, Mothers Day and Fathers Day haven't really "gotten" to me till this year.  Last Mother's Day I had just had an IUI that seemed perfect and someone on the prayer team at church told me he felt like God wanted us to know "Mother's day was our day"  (he didn't know about the treatment and said he really didn't know what that meant but wanted to share).  I had more hope last Mother's Day.  Heck, once I started clomid in 2010 I thought we would be knocked up within months.  I almost cancelled the trip I had planned to Spain in summer 2012 (I started planning it in 2011) because I "just knew" chances of being pregnant with so many IUIs ahead were high.

I've almost calmed down.  I've stopped that thinking to some degree.  I try really hard to take one day at a time.  However, when you find yourself shooting up in the Olive Garden bathroom (not crack, lupron) it's really hard not to wonder about the future, and then worry.

When our FET failed, I booked a cruise to the Caribbean to "get out."  I was happy we would be missing mother's day.  It was my younger sister's "first" and my grandma was in town.  I just didn't like the idea of talking about moms.  I feel like I am becoming an OBESE, SMELLY, AWKWARD, elephant in the room.  Although others may not think it, I do and thats no fun.

I didn't really see "Father's Day" hitting me the way it did.  I'm on an long IVF protocol and have to take Lupron injections FOREVA and for some reason the Lupron this round is making me nuts.  I mean like every emotion I feel is just super intense.  If it's sad, I'm heartbroken.  If it's happy, I'm giddy.  If its worried, I'm horrified.  I can feeeeel the emotions. Basically everything is a bit "biggger" than normal.

Anyways, we haven't even gotten through Father's Day with my side of the fam, but we celebrated with Darren's.  The fathers in this group include:  Darren's dad, and our brother-in-law Mike.  Michael and Darren's sister struggled with IF for years but now have a 2 year old daughter and are pregnant with a boy.  We go out to eat at this crab shack place.  We arrived with Darren's parents and the waiter almost instantly puts on a #1 Dad Bib on the father in law.  Okay.  I'm used to this.  But when Michael showed up a bit latter, and got one two, I suddently felt so isolated.  I wanted Darren to have one.  Bad.  I really really wanted Darren to have a bib that said #1 Dad.  It was obvious we had no children.   Now remember, this round of Lupron injections is making my emotions X 10.  I basically held back tears that Darren didn't have the right to wear the bib.  Am I totally insane? 

To make matters worse, I was asked if I had had all my hormones checked.  This is one of the situations were people are genuially trying to be nice and caring and helpful but it reved me up.  Of course I've had all my hormones checked.  To be on the verge of doing my 10th IF procedure, I guarantee you I know what's up (and down) with my hormones. 

Darren had a headache so I drove our new (to us) mini-suv that we bought for kids, back home.  And I didn't hold back the tears.  I felt better when I got home, but as the years go by and the families grow, I'm going to have to come up with a way of dealing with Fathers/Mothers day.  Ah!

On another note, at my inlaws church there was a quote that said:

"Delay may not mean denial.  Keep praying."

This little quote was JUST what I needed.  I have so many failed attempts behind me, I get stuck on what to say, to even mess with praying, on hoping.  But then it hit me.  Yes, God could ultimately say "You shall not bear child" and I would have to pray for peace and move forward.  But we are not there yet.  Maybe, just because it hasn't happened, may not mean it's denied. 

Jesus, I pray for all the women who are reading this who are in a boat similar to mine. I pray for all of us.  For a new breath of hope.  To have the will power to keep asking to keep dreaming.  To accept your will and that it be clear to us.  Give us strength each day in each high and low.  Help us look forward and not back.  Help us anticipate the things to come and cling to your promises that you work all things together for good for those that love you.

If You Adopt You WILL Become Pregnant

June 12, 2013

I have written several posts about things NOT to say to people struggling with infertility, but rarely do I experience it directly.  Yes I've had the nosy "does you husband wear boxers" to "have you read ________" and of course the "I heard keeping your legs up after sex...."

At  a district curriculum meeting an older Spanish teacher started up the conversation.

Her:  "How's marriage?  You're still in the newlywed stage right?"

Me: Well, it's almost been 4 years so kind of."

Her:  "Are you guys wanting children?"

Me: (I'm prob too blunt at this point but they asked!) "We've been trying for awhile. We did IVF in the fall and had a miscarriage so we are hoping to do IVF again."

Her:  "Oh sorry to hear it...you should just adopt.  If you adopt you WILL become pregnant.  I know two people that this has happened to."  (follow by her overzealous giggle).

Me: "Can you give me a money back guarantee?" (trying to add humor but sheesh!)

The conversation ended and the meeting started.  I wasn't mad at her, I get that most people don't "get it."  At this point we have spent $25k on IF stuff and I don't know if we could do it all again for awhile on the high cost of adoption.  It just stings and reminds me of the isolation I have from so many people who haven't had to deal with this challenge.  If only "just adopting" was as easy as getting pregnant and completely satisfied the desire to carry a child (which I have not let go of yet), I promise I would be holding a baby right now. 

On another thought, a fellow blogger posted an interesting article on the impact of infertility on men : http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/for-men-infertility-often-becomes-a-private-heartache/2013/06/05/049e33ca-ba6b-11e2-b94c-b684dda07add_story.html

It was a good read.  It reminds us (me at least) that men have it rough too.  Of course, when I'm reved up on hormones, I might get a little cynical with him because all he has to do is have an orgasm; I know its so much more.  I think I often forget about their feeling of helplessness.  My husband is strong on the inside and outside.  For him to not be able to fix a sobbing wife I think gets to him.  The article talks about how men don't really talk about their emotions/struggles with their friends.  It talks about how the sperm is always called a "sample" but to us its "my future dreams."  It talks about them peeling their wives off the ground after a failed treatment. 

It also mentions how society always "assumes" infertility is the "woman's fault."  We were with his old high school friends the other day and they started asking questions about IVF (I'm an open book about it).  His friend jokingly said "Is it you Darren?"  Something about a man having "bad" sperm messes with his ego I think.  I jumped in "I don't ovulate on my own!" I had to defend Dar and his fish, I could take one for the team.  After all, we both got "issues."  Along those lines though, Darren has been taking clomid and his testosterone has gone from 138 to 440!  The normal range is like 250-800 so we are hopefully making progress in case we have to try on our own again if IVF doesn't do it for us this summer (even typing it makes me anxious). 

I just bought a Christian book called "Battlefield of the Mind."  It really encourages people to train their brains to think positive, choose joy, fight against worry.  Easier said then done but I'm so about to read that book.  I need it!

Saline Infusion Sonogram (SIS)

June 3, 2013

My RE suggested getting a SIS before starting our next cycle.  I was iffy as I've had every other test in the book and it's been fine.  Getting my uterus filled with dye didn't exactly sound like a "fun" way to spend a Monday afternoon.  My insurance covered half so Darren and I decided that we should just do it for "peace of mind."

The procedure was similar to and IUI but they filled my uterus with dye.  It was pretty uncomfortable and the doctor was super young and super new and he couldn't figure out how to get the spectrum out (my worst nightmare).  Everything was "clear" and I'm so thankful for that.

On the drive home though, a huge wave of sadness hit me.  Like the 2 and half years of failed procedures and the 2 and half years of incredibly invasive procedures (like the SIS) just kind of landed on my shoulders.  Tears streamed down my face in frustration of lives's injustice.  I know God doesn't owe me a thing, but going through the process is hard.

Today I was proctoring a state test at work and the math teacher's quote on his desk caught my eye.  It said:

"Sometimes life feels like we are driving a bicycle through a carwash."

I loved it!  This doesn't just apply to infertility.  This applies to everyone in some season.  The beauty of it is that although it's scary, creepy, painful, uncomfortable, you are being "cleaned" in the process.  I have to believe that God's promises are true.  In Isaiah he says "I will not cause suffering without something new being born."  He doesn't promise comfort, he doesn't promise a perfect life, but he does promise something new after suffering.  I was reading the book of Job and the study guide mentioned that when God allows His children to suffer, we often question his goodness.  It goes on to say this is exactly where Satan wants to discourage us-in that moment-to question if God is good. 

For some reason I've read several blogs this week of writer's annoyed with complaining.  Complaining can be very painful of course (like a pregnant friend complaining to me for example) but I also believe that sometimes venting is necessary.  It's real life.  Thank goodness my dear hubby listens, but sometimes, after I've repeated my complaints and worries to him to the level of seeing his eyes glaze over, I write.  I hope that through my pain, and venting, and honesty that I come across as a person TRYING to remain hopeful and positive despite the mounding fear behind.

Next steps in our process?  I have to be honest, I'm so jealous of some of the bloggers I follow.  Their RE let's them jump right in and get to the stims! I would love to just jump all in.  I called our RE office because we would like to move forward.  The nurse said if we started now it would be an 8 week protocol??? What?? It was 6 last time I did a fresh? I'm the type of person that just likes to get stuff over with and with everything a floating in the unknown future, I get anxious.   Due to scheduling they want me to be on BCP and then 17 days of lupron before starting anything.  I guess this is called the "long protocol."  I emailed my RE directly and asked if there was any way to shorten the lupron part since I was only on it 10 days last time and completely surpressed.  This request annoyed the nurse and she called me back to let me know that this isn't an option (she seemed annoyed).   It actually hurt that she was "short" with me.  I'm so vulnerable right now I wish she could have been more gentle about it.  In the world of infertility when you are waiting for results it can feel like years.  I guess I just had mentally calculated I would be doing a transfer like July 1.  Looks like I won't be getting to "this moment" till the end of July or early August. I know God is teaching me over and over again that I am not in control.

 I don't think I'm going to put dates or specifics on my blog this time.   I'm so nervous about everything that I feel like if I keep it secret (from the entire world except my husband and the doctors) that it might feel less real.  I am terrified of what can come.  I am thankful of what can come.  But at the end of the day I know it really only matters if God says "yes" or "no" and nothing I do/don't do can change that.  I am hopeful His will and ours allign this time!