Natropath

April 18, 2012

Desperate times call for desperate measures.  I have always kind of "laughed off" natropathic medicine.  I went to one about 4 months ago and left with some tea to drink.  I didn't go back.

But now, 4 months later, I'm kind of willing to try anything.  I met with one in Portland today.  She was very very nice and not much older than me.  She asked a lot of questions and then made a lot of suggestions.  By the end, there was probably over 12 things to try and buy.

The receptionist showed me all the medicine on my way out.  Bottles droplets and oils and creams.  Each about $30.  I also don't want to overstimulate but they seem so confident.  As of now, I've decided to try the following, crazy or not...

1. Seed cycle:  First 14 days of cycle I eat pumpkin seeds, last portion of cycle, I eat sunflower seeds.

2.  Castor Oil: I literally rub caster oil on the outside of my liver and lay there for 30 minutes a day.

3.  Magnesium

4.  Fish Oil (I'm ify on this one because I HATE the smell).

5.  30 minutes of exercise to reduce insulin

6.  Several deep breaths throughout day and reminding myself that God is in control and the timing hasn't been right yet.

7.  Skin combing:  I literally take a hairbrush and brush it lightly on my arms and lets towards my heart to move toxins there?  Weird but I'll do it.  I just hope Darren doesn't pop in ;)

Happy Wife=Happy Life

April 17, 2012

Well, the last cycle was a bust and it's amazing to think of all the emotions I've been through in the last week.  I've cried to friends (can't hold back tears) about how I'm trying to keep my faith high and eyes above, but the pain of another failed cycle and the fears of "what if."

I have become a bit more aggressively medically as well.  I have insisted on a pelvic ultra sound just to make sure my ovaries are not covered in cysts.  I emailed my doctor in regards to how far Kaiser Permanente will take me.  I'm about to start 7.5 mg of Femera (the highest dosage) and if this doesn't work, my only option is to try clomid 150 mg one more time with an HGC shot.  If that doesn't work...

I'm in a tough spot because I don't want to "rush" God but in numbers, I have only ovulated twice in a year.  I was able to convince my husband to let me go to IVF when he is done with school at the end of the year, but then again, if nothing works before hand, why not do it now?

It's such a frustrating boat.  The program we would do is called ATTAIN and you pay 20k but get 6 trys.  It's hard because the last 3 years of our marriage we have been putting every penny to get out of student loan debt...to add 20k to that seems heartbreaking; to not be pregnant seems worse.  How long do you try before IVF?   On one side, I would pay 20k tomorrow to get out of this emotional/stressful ride.

Darren my husband is sweet and he trusts me with financial decisions.  He said he wants me to be happy and if I want to go this route, he supports its.  It's relaxing to know their is a little hope in the future that I can move forward with this, but on the other hand, I really really really am praying God will answer before then.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

April 5, 2012

CD 21, no positive opk yet.

Today is hard.  This is such a process of hope and doubt and surprise and disappointment.  I recently have been feeling like I was going to ovulate and almost shocked when the digital tester came back negative.  It's difficult because I feel like I'm wasting time.  If this cycle is a "bust" I want to move on to the next.  I HATE that I have to wait 40 + days to restart a new cycle and then wait another 20 to see if I even ovulate.  It puts SO much pressure on the positive days for us to "do it" because the opportunities are so few and far in between.

Being pessimistic, it's April and I have only officially ovulated once (New Years) this entire year :(  I wish I could go right to IVF, but I know we haven't tried long enough.  Plus, IVF is its own "can of worms" with the trillions of shots and hormones they put you on, not to mention, the price of a house down payment. 

Kaiser offers free counseling to people struggling, I think I need to go.  Sometimes its hard being a woman because I am 100% constantly aware of the ache and fear inside me.  I even dream about it.  Even in my  happiest of moments, I am aware.   

My only options are to chose to hope or despair.  I'm not going to sugar coat this.  It really SUCKS.  But maybe this month I'll still O or maybe next month the next dosage will do the trick...

REMEMBER ME GOD

April 3, 2012

Today my little sister got to see her baby.  She is 8 weeks.  My mom wanted to tell me all about it (although I said I would rather just talk to my sister).  Mom went on about the "miracle" of life. 

By this point, I am well aware that conception is indeed a miracle.  With millions and millions of sperm and a failed Artificial Insemination, I know that babies being created is beyond miraculous.  I don't need people to tell me. 

I'm reading the Old Testament and so many women had "closed wombs."  Hannah, the mother of Samuel, prayed and prayed and prayed and then eventually it says, "And then God remembered her." 

I feel terrible.  Terrible that my sister's joy magnifies my sorrow.  Terrible for feeling it.  I don't want to be that person that everyone has to "tip toe" around, but even walking by the baby aisle in Target feels like the cute toys and puppy ear hats laugh at me and remind me of the hole in my heart and womb. 

I continually am trying to turn my worries and anxieties to prayers.

"I have a gut feeling that the Femera won't work this cycle" =Oh God, help it work

"What if we do IVF and that fails too?" =Jesus, I trust you.  If that is your will, open that door.

"This saddens deepens daily.  I'm tired of charting, hoping, temping, testing, monitoring" = Father, have mercy on me, give me patience.  And REMEMBER ME.


This video brings tears to my eyes.  Watch it if you want to experience even a small ounce of the thoughts and fears in women dealing with this.  I don't have all the fears (ie husband leaving me for a fertile women), but I have many. 

Do YOUR JOB!

March 27, 2012

I totally believe in the power of prayer and Jesus, but I had to laugh at this!  I love it!  Started my opk's today.  Cycle Day 10. I can only hope that femera makes me ovulate sooner than later.

I Want the Family Bumper Sticker TOOOOO.

March 24, 2012

It has been officially over three months since I have ovulated, and I just finished my last round of Provera last night.  Although each day feels wasted when I'm not actively taking medicine to ovulate, it was nice to have a small break last month (cycle lasted 2 months with no sign of ovulation on my own).  I now find myself going back to the anxiousness of knowing I have to temp, ovulation test, and then try to time sex right with Darren.  We are at the point where he as asked me to NOT tell him when I'm ovulating.  It's too stressful.  He has actually given me permission to "trick" him.  I'm just hoping that this dosage works and we can get back on track. 

My biggest prayer is a miracle: we get pregnant this month on our own without an IUI (we won't do and IUI till next cycle since this is my first time on this medication). 

"In all things it is better to hope than to despair."    -Von Goethe

If I have the choice between the two, I choose HOPE.

Darren hates these but I <3 them.  I'm HOPING to announce my pregnancy to him with these stickers!

The Early Bird Catches the Sperm

March 23, 2012

Just started Femera. So far so good.  Hoping the dosage is enough to make me ovulate this month.

Not a fun situation, but laughter helps.  This is a song about the "Bird's and Bee's"  This can really really become an obsession. 

If You Have Triplets Can I Have One?

March 1, 2012
My little sister Heidi is my best friend.  She is 3 1/2 years younger than me.  We were each other's maids of honor.  When we were single we spent a month in Costa Rica together.  I would die for Heidi.

Heidi had a much easier "dating" relationship than me.  She found her soul mate and they got married a year and a half later.  Things for Darren and I were much more of a "broken road."  Heidi got married first.  Ironically, I was always the one obsessed with marriage.  I was happy for her, but it stung.  I got married 5 months later.

Heidi and Joel have been praying for us since last February to get pregnant.  Her and Joel had been living in Mexico as missionaries for the last 2 years.  In December 2011, she told me that her and Joel were going to start "trying" when they got back and wanted to make sure it was okay with me.  It was.  I had spent months fantasizing about how I would announce my pregnancy to the family.  Although I secretly wanted to be the first one (as the oldest child) to announce to my parents "you shall soon be grandma and gramps" I also knew that God's ways are higher than mine.  I did cry when she said it, because deep down, I knew it would happen first for her.   

And then it did.  One month after trying actually.  She called me first.  I can't express how happy I am for her, and how, this child will in fact be a part of me and share my DNA.  I can't express how happy I am for them, the joy of starting a family.  She got to tell my parents.  Her child will make them grandparents first.

I cried hard.  Honestly, not out of bitterness or jealousy, but out of how tired I am of trying.  Heidi and Joel got to "have sex for fun and see what happens" and poof.  Where my bathroom has become a science lab for ovulation and our sex life has become a chore and often burden because of the "IM OVULATING NOW" situation.  But, just like her having the first wedding, we are now both happily married. Just like her having the first baby, maybe we will follow suit 5 months later?

Heidi and I on the night of her engagement

 I love you Heidi and I love you future niece and nephew too!!  I did ask if she had triplets if I could have one and she said "Sure."

Not How It's Supposed to Be

February 23, 2012

This is not how I imagined

trying to conceive.

I had the same loving dreams

that most young women weave

Yet, here I am laying back

in a faded cotton cover

A doctor stands between my thighs

where you should be, my lover

Life’s liquid in a catheter
inserted in my womb
We hope that one will implant
and life will start to bloom

You hold my slightly trembling hand
and softly stoke my hair
The doctor does all he can do
and we add a little prayer

I never doubt it’s worth it
but I often wonder why
What comes to others easily
so often makes me cry

I lay here on the table
for my 30 minute wait
and dream of steamy interludes
where we procreate

I mourn the loss of afterglow

wrapped up in your embrace

The wonder of believing love

is all you need for grace

The two week wait begins

as we walk out the door

and we’re filled with hope ~ but worried

that we’ll be back for more

I hate that it’s so clinical

when I wanted sweet romance

So hold my hand and kiss me

and lead me in a dance.

And I will close my eyes real tight

as truth; I fervently declare

“Our child will be a testament

To the love we share.”

By Patricia Gibson-Williams

3 IUI's, Only 1 Timed Right

By the time December rolled around, I was scared of the IUI, but ready.  Almost craving it!  I religiously took 150 mg of Clomid at the EXACT same time days 3-7 and then started the opk's a few days later.  On day 21, I got the smile face and I made the call.

My little sister Heidi had just moved back from Mexico and came with me for support.  She joked that she was going to tell the future niece/nephew that she was in the room when he was conceived. 

We arrived to the hospital at 7:oo am the next morning.  Darren had to go into a room to deliver the goods while Heidi and I waited patiently.  They then "wash" the sperm and you have to wait an hour before the IUI.

Finally they called my name.  I was really really nervous.  The nurse was friendly and wanted to talk a ton (in my head I was like, get this OVER WITH).  The unknown is so creepy and just thinking about what she was going to do to me.  The process wasn't comfortable but over fairly quick.  I had to lay there for 20 minutes. 
I was really happy the rest of the day.  Pumped for a miracle.  Full of hope.  But then...

For some reason I kept ovulation testing.  4 days later, I got another smiley face.  I had gone in too soon.  The first one was a "false positive."  $200 later, we went in again on New Years Eve.  Since it had only been a few days, the sperm count was much lower but I was more mentally prepared.   Blood test a week later showed my progesterone level was high.  One more week to go.  I started feeling pregnant.  I was convinced I was craving artichokes.  However, I started spotting with a period following 15 days later.  There was peace in knowing we had done all we could, and that God himself had chosen to say "not this time." But still heartache in feeling so close. 


The next month I did the same exact thing, went in for IUI #3 (February 2012) the same exact time, and found out I hadn't ever ovulated at all!  Talk about going backward.  Dr. decided to put me on Femera (used for women with breast cancer) and newly found to make women ovulate.

You're Going to Put That Where?

January 2012

Due to low sperm count/poor morphology and the fact that Clomid can actually ruin my lining, our doctor suggested going directly to an IUI.  This is a fancy abbreviation for Artificial Insemination.  They let you go up to six times (once per cycle) and it basically gives the sperm a lift directly into the uterus. 


Since they determined I was ovulating, next cycle when I get the smiley face, I was to schedule an IUI at the hospital.  Here is a little more info to see exactly what God + Science can do/what I was going to have to do.

Clomid Sounds Great, Maybe We'll Call Her Chloe!

January 2012

By the time August rolled around I was practically BEGGING my doctor for Clomid.  Since I did get periods of my own (it was about every 40-60 days), the doctor decided I was "anovulatory" meaning my body wasn't releasing eggs.  Clomid is a pill that is suppose to give you a monthly period which would at LEAST put us is the same category of all the other "healthy" and "normal" couples.  They start you at 50 mg, then, if that doesn't work (I just knew it would), then they up you to 100 mg the next cycle and then the last move is trying you on 150mg.  Since I did kind of have a period, I was pumped to start and sure 50 would do the trick. 

It didn't.
With crazy charting and the use of ovulation predictor kits, I thought I had a positive but through the 7 day blood work test they determined I hadn't ovulated at all (Progesterone is supposed to be at least 10 and my first level was .9)

A little bummed, I had to take Provera (it induces a nearly instant period) to start Cycle #2, 100mg.

I took this 2 different cycles and nothing.

By the time October rolled around, I was getting scared.  If I can't ovulate, I can't get pregnant.  We decided to bring in the big guns AKA 150 mg of Clomid.

These cycles were crazy.  I'm 28 years old but would have the most intense hot flashes 15-25 times a day.  I had headaches.  To make sure I was giving it enough time, Darren and I decided to wait until later into the cycle for the "smiley face" on the opk.  At the end of November, I got my first happy face.  Since my cycles were like 40 days long, if I even thought there was a chance of ovulation I became like a prostitute that would die if "do it" with my husband.  I think I officially scared him with my tiger hunger ovulation eyes.

Blood work showed a week later that for the first time I ovulated! Progesterone was 18!  I actually felt as happy as I would be if the test said pregnant (for 20 seconds or so).  I cried, I laughed, and finally felt like something was happening.