There are some "dangers "in too much time though. We went to the outlet malls at I bought THREE baby outfits for 3 different friends/family in live that have a baby or are about to have a baby. They are the cutest things ever-pajamas that look like teddy bear fur and the hoodie has ears. Maybe it was buying those that triggered a ever deep growing sadness I couldn't shake. Too much down time, too much time to think. As the sun got brighter, my heart got dimmer. Falling into a well down slump.
So many fears. I know that "fear is the opposite of faith" but lets be honest. I want this FET to work more than anything. I'm afraid it won't work at all. I'm afraid it will, all to result into another crushing miscarriage and DandC. I'm afraid of those horrible horrible dreadful days between when they put the embryos in and when I know if they stuck. Then I go deeper. What if it never works? What if God has some crazy plan of me miraculously getting pregnant in 10 years when I'm 39? (I know His ways are best, but that's a scary thought). Down down down the slide my mind goes. Next thing I know, I'm crying alone in my car. Begging God to answer. To move. To breathe a breath of hope. And poor Darren. The infertility issue follows us wherever we go. I asked him to pray for me and then I felt better. I still think about all these fears everyday, but not to the point of allowing it to really sink in and make me panic. Oh God, let March come soon.
A cute highlight of the weekend was our trip to the Coach purse store. Darren has promised me that as an early "push" (or adopt) gift I can get a Coach Diaper Bag at the outlet. He was like, "Let's get one this weekend just to prepare and be hopeful." I agreed to look but I don't want to buy one until I hear a heartbeat. I have enough "faith" gifts laying around. In the store the sales people were super aggressive and when they heard "diaper bag" the man showed us like ten. Then he said "this is a gift right?" Awkward pause....then I say, "Well, we are hoping to get pregnant soon so it's kind of for us." Then Darren piped in and said, "Yes, it's for us, we are wanting to buy one."
It was really really fun for me to hear him say that. He has been so supportive of me but rarely talks like that. It made me smile. End of story, I walked out with a new purse instead so I'm happy. Hopefully we can go back in a few months and buy a pink or blue bag...
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