Women to Blame?

February 12, 2013

One thing that really really bugs me about infertility is that it is ALWAYS considered that the woman has issues, that she is the problem.  First off, in couples, where the “two have become one” there is no he or she, it’s “we” have a problem.

A woman at my husband’s work has gone through all kinds of treatments and shots and IVFs.  Darren just assumed that she must have a serious issue.  However, it could very well be her husband.  40% of infertility is male factor, 40% is female and that lucky 20%? Yea, that’s where Darren and I fall.

My sister in law called me because she announced her pregnancy to my husband’s extended side of the family.  Their grandma is a bit blunt.  Rachelle called to announce her big news which was followed up with “What’s with Holly and Darren?”  She just said we were experiencing issues.  And then, I guess the grandma just started going off about “I should have been honest with Darren before I got married.  I should have been tested.  How that was mean of me.  SERIOUSLY?  A month away from IVF and I’m dealing with a random attack?  My sister in law defended me and told her that Darren has “sperm” issues too.  Now that get’s sensitive.  Men usually aren’t assumed the culprits.  In fact, I was “normal” all last year because I finally found a dose of femera that made me ovulate monthly…we still didn’t get pregnant.  Sperm morphology cannot be fixed and his is only 6% normal.  Up till now I just assumed people assumed it was me.  Which is fine I guess but to freak out that I “tricked” Darren by hiding my "possible infertility" issues?  He knew I had PCOS I told him from day 1 that the doctors had told me “conceiving might be a little trickier for you but doable.”  I didn’t realize that meant 10 years later everyone and their mother would have seen my you-know-what and that I’d be conceiving in a laboratory.

Apparently the grandma wants to tell us some herbs to try (been there, done that).  Here’s how I feel about that (See grumpy cat pic on right):

Like I said, I’m tired of society jumping to it always being “the girl.” I’ve been guilty of this too.  An old friend prayed for years to get pregnant and eventually God called her to adoption.  I recently had coffee to hear her story.  She was totally healthy, her husband had some major issues that a surgery didn’t fix.  I am fine with “we are infertile.”  It’s not fair to point fingers but with this little incident I found myself wanting to say “Dude, it’s not just me.” 

I guess I sound crabby.  Maybe it’s the lupron injections?  Maybe it’s the stress of how close this day is coming and how incredibly happy or incredibly sad I will feel.  I just have to keep whispering “Jesus I trust you” but so so so so so so hard. 


  1. Ugh, that makes me livid reading that post. I am so sorry people are SO disrespectful and rude. Like you said, I think society has a way of assuming its 100% the woman's fault and the man has nothing to do with it. My husband's mom would say so many insensitive things to me regarding our infertility issues, and I would just think "its YOUR son". Of course, we don't want to point fingers but sometimes its just like, SERIOUSLY.

    My favorite moment was when she said how things could be fixed SO easily. Because, you know, you can fix genetic mutations apparently. So irritating! I'm praying for you, and praying that the lupron doesn't make you snap on anyone any time soon :) You are SO amazing and strong, you've got this!

  2. This post got me so upset. Mainly because I also dealt/ have been dealing with the same issue. My husband's side doesn't like to believe that their "side" could be the problem and it can't be fixed with herbs? Really?? After the doctor prescribed Clomid our response was "why did it take them this long to figure that out?" It's very upsetting. Then I have my mom to continues to remind me that this isn't "my" problem and we can always just use donor sperm. I have to keep on reminding her that it is our issue and we are going to try every possible avenue to make it easier to concieve before jumping to anything major.

    You are strong. Take some deep breaths, pray, and focus on that beautiful feature.

  3. Some people just have no clue. I am the opposite though being that ours is an egg issue. My husband has some minor issues and anytime people ask he tells them it is a combination of both of us. This always makes me feel terrible because I know if he was with someone else he could have a child. I'm lucky he is so sweet about it though. When the doctor told us to do egg donor he said I wanted all of us or none of us. The worse part of infertility is all the comments we have to hear. Hang in their lady!


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