Enter Anger/Sadness Stage

March 21, 2013

I'm starting my failed IVF period today.  It's tough.  I hate it reminding me about what I felt like we were so close to.  Yesterday as I got in the shower my eye caught my very bruised hips from the PIO shots.   They are still there even though the embryos are not.  After work I ran to my car (it was pouring rain) and my butt muscles KILLED from where those injections were.  The hope is gone for the FET but the side effects aren't.

As we all know, pregnancy announcements can be tough.  I'm usually "cool" with infertile people finally getting pregnant as it give a glimmer of hope, but although 90% of the world has the luxury of getting pregnant when they feel like it, I still get shocked and stung with announcements.  I have WAY too many "friends" on facebook.  One girl I have probably talked to twice in my life posted her positive pregnancy test with something that said "we got the best news of our lives 3 months ago".  I remembered when I got that news 5 months ago.

The hardest part about the post was it was a clear blue digital.  You know the make.  It reads "pregnant" or "not pregnant."  It was the same exact one that I read on Sunday morning but her image was the one I so incredibly desperately wished I could have seen.  For some reason this stupid image made me feel like someone just kicked me in the stomach.  I've been at this for 2 years.  I'm a veteran with BFN and pregnancy EVERYWHERE but ouch today.

Yesterday at a staff meeting they were talking to the online Spanish teacher my age and asked if she wants to be back in the classroom (my ears perked up because I SOO want her job if we get pregnant).  She said "I want  to be back in the classroom but we are going to have a baby in 6 months" all the women smile/gasp/freak out and ask "YOU'RE PREGNANT??""  She smiles and responds, "No, no.  We plan to get pregnant in six months."  I had to swallow puke.  Oh the luxury.

And my poor husband.  I can "turn it on" at work and be my happy self.  I've actually probably been a better teacher lately because I can focus more on it then during IVF crap.  But I'm a zombie at home. No desire to have sex. No desire to have fun.  I want to be sad and angry (just for awhile) and he has to have a sucky wife. He told me hat being depressed is a choice.  I mostly agreed but  I feel depressed right now due to injury. I still have to shed the lining. I have to deal with the "aftermath" of the injections. I feel like I'm been punched 38 times. It's different. This emotion is not a choice, it's an injury. But injuries heal. The bruises will fade, the period will pass, the sun will rise again. 

When Darren and I broke up years ago, I was in such a similar place.  Hopeless and broken.  I found a great Christian counselor.  I called him today.  Thank Jesus for help.

Today I volunteered to help out at the "knowledge bowl meet" at the middle school (helping out a friend) and one of the answers to the questions was the quote "Time heals all wounds."  Isn't that the truth?  I know in my heart, this will pass, it's just I have to WAIT for time to move on.  And it will.

1 comment:

  1. Hi! I’ve been reading your blog for a while and wanted to let you know that you are not alone. We’ve been TTC for nearly 4 years and I have seen many BFNs during that time. It is easy for someone to say – cheer up – especially when you’re down and it is hard to see/ hear all the pregnancy announcements. Just know that I’m rooting that you’ll get a BFP soon. It always seems that the women that would make the best mothers are not given that gift and the crazy ones are.


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