Hello Cycle Day 1

May 22, 2012

It seems like each month it gets a little harder to let go of what could have been and gear up to wait for the next "maybe."

I knew last cycle was crazy, but I also know that Jesus loves to work in impossible, hopeless situations...so the fact that it was so hopeless actually gave me hope!

My period started yesterday and it was a cruel mixture of shock and "I knew it was coming."  These type of polar opposite emotions don't mix well.  If you have ever loved and hated someone at once you know what I mean.  It's the combination of two things clashing into one painful and unnatural emotion.

I contacted my doctor because I realize I will out of town, without Darren, for one of my best friend's weddings when I will most likely ovulate this cycle (considering femera works again and I ovulate around CD 16).  For some reason, this shot me into a pure meltdown...

I can handle that we didn't have sex this month in the "window" but another one?  Can I somehow manipulate the cycle to ovulate later?  Do I pay to have the ticket changed?  Do we fly him out with me?  What if I don't even get the positive there?  Maybe I'll get it before.  I really want to go in for an IUI this month considering our circumstances.  I got an email back from the doctor saying she is out of the office till June 2nd! 

Before I knew it, I found myself uncontroallby crying to the point you get hiccups.  Praying King Davids prayer almost shouting "How much longer?"  Crying for the loss of what could have been and crying because of the unknown future.  Crying because my arms ache to hold that child.

Luckily my mother in law popped in and I could bable on about cycle days and smiley faces and high hopes and loss and progesterone levels and blood tests and castor oil.  She reminded me that God has already decided the "when."  We also discussed that its not just about us, but about the best time for our child to come into the world.  I just wish that coincided with when our hearts started wanting it.

And poor Darren.  He gets me at the end of this long toiling day.  After the meltdown, after the acceptance of starting my period, and I feel dead.  I have puffy eyes, a cramping stomach, and an injured heart. Not only am I not used to starting a period, it makes everything "bigger" and more intense so I cry more.  I start to feel insecure as a wife as I can't be my normally bubly self because my brain won't stop racing.

However, all of this, is now the past.  I can praise the Lord that we hopefully cracked the ovulation code and that in just 2 weeks, I will hopefully have the oppurtunity again!  My mind starts to shift from sadness to hope...again.