Hope is the Thing with Feathers...

May 6, 2012

I have found myself on cycles emotionally, despite the lack of real cycles.  With the ending of each failed cycle, I go through fear, depression, sadness, heartbreak.  Another month wasted of pills with obnoxious side effects, medical bills, and the stress of "mating."  Each time, knowing that I have to wait at least another 10 days to restart a cycle and try again.  I feel hopeless and rock bottom.

But a funny thing happens once I start Provera (period inducing pill), my "tank of hope" slowly begins to refill.  I feel like I'm doing all I can and that a new cycle with begnin again.  It's in these 10 days where I feel the most peace and rest.  I don't have to chart.  I don't have to use the OPK.  I don't have to "have sex or else."  It's a pool in the dessert.

I recently started the highest dosage of femera 7.5mg.  The last cycle ended with the same hopelessness, lonliness, fear, heartache, wasted time feeling.  But taking the 7.5 mg femera gave me a little hope.  Honestly, I tell myself, "it's probably not going to work" as almost a protection mechanism.  I'm too afraid to really expect it because of the terrible let down if it doesn't happen.  And if it does happen (ovulation) it's a great joyful surprise.

This cycle I decided to go all out.  I using the nathropathic advice (Castor oil and seeding).  I'm taking chinese herbs. 

On clomid the earliest I ever ovulated was on day cycle day 23, so today is only cd 16 so I'm braced to wait.

But this morning, there he was, the opk smile face I haven't seen in months.  Only women battling infertility can really understand this, but the thrill, surprise, joy of seeing the positive opk is the same feeling I believe most fertile women feel if they get a positive pregnancy  test right away.  I cried.  I praised God.  I have been asking/begging Him to at least let me ovulate.  Considering I haven't even had the chance to get pregnant since January, you can imagine the excitement that came over me this morning.

I did get 2 negative positive opks since January, so I'm not 100% sure this is the true LH surge, but I'm going to believe it and enjoy it. 

My doctor said no IUI until we verify that this cycle was a true ovulation.  So that means as far as conception, its up to Darren, me and Jesus this month.

I haven't told Darren about the positive opk this morning yet because I don't want to stress him out or put pressure on him even though ITS ONLY A 24-48 HOUR WINDOW THAT COMES FOR EVERYONE ELSE EVERY 28 DAYS AND FOR ME ITS BEEN OVER 120.  I'm not stressed or anything.

But its crazy what that little tiny smile face has done for me.  I sang a little louder in church today.  I felt joy driving home from a friend's baby shower.  What is this all from?  The power of what a little tiny slice of hope can do for the hurting soul.

I don't know what the future holds, but I am so grateful that Jesus is at least allowing my body to ovulate this month.  The timing of our future baby is in his hands, but at least I feel like He is moving and hearing our cries.  For the first time in a long time, I feel joy.  I feel hope.

"Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul" -Emily Dickenson

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