10 Things to NEVER Say to Singles

April 27, 2013

I'm a big fan of reading the "yahoo" news when I go check my email.  Today I found an article called "10 Things to Never Say to Singles."  It was almost creepy how similar most of the points where parallel with things to never to say to women struggling with infertility.  I'm posting the 7 that totally connected and my thoughts. 

I'm also posting a HILARIOUS video at the end of a woman saying all the things you SHOULDN't say to people struggling with IF (it's the first one on the left).  There is humor is this mess.  I have heard almost ALL of the stuff she says :)


1. "Why aren't you married?"
This question almost universally pushes single people's buttons. "Perhaps the answer is 'none of your business,'" says *Grace from Detroit. In fact, it's rude to assume singles are looking for a relationship.

#1 Infertility aka “You have been married for awhile, why don’t you have kids?”
Many people ask us, "Do you guys want kids?"  As they ask, flashbacks of shots, and failed pregnancy images, and egg retrievals and tears race through my head.  I smile.  "We really do someday."  It's such an innocent question but man does it bring up a sting.  Students are constantly asking me if I want kids.  One student went as far as to tell me "just go home and have sex with your husband tonight."  Lol.  While her health teacher gets a gold star for scaring her into abstinence, it's not that easy. 


2. "Have you tried online dating?"
True, people find relationships online. But this assumes your friend is clueless and hasn't thought of it herself. "I can't tell you how many people have suggested online dating like it's never been suggested before," says *Idora from Boston.

#2 Infertility aka = “Have you considered adoption.” 
We are not clueless of our options.  Most people that so freely suggest adoption have never considered it themselves and have no idea the costs and emotional risks that come with that (IE. birth parents changing mind at last minute).  OF COURSE we have talked about adoption.  We are not clueless but we are most likely WAY more informed of the own risks of adoption.


3."You'll find the perfect guy when you're not looking."
This is a lose-lose comment. On one hand, this assumes your friend is on the hunt when she may be content with single life. On the other hand, "This comment is disempowering if your friend actually is seeking a relationship," says Dr. Friedman. "It's the equivalent of saying, 'Just sit and wait for someone.'"

#3 Infertility aka=”When you stop trying it will happen.” 
GRRRRRRRRRRR.  This is the most angering.  And just like the above point, it's disempowering.  Since I actually have ovulation issues, it's like telling a cancer patient "stop trying and it will go away."  I can't "just stop trying." 


4. "What ever happened with [insert ex's name here]?"
This is one of the worst things you can say to your friend, according to experts. "When a relationship ends, there's usually some degree of sadness, even if your friend is the one who initiated the breakup," says Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Find Your Soulmate Online in Six Simple Steps. "Dredging everything back up is hurtful."

#4 Infertility aka= “sorry you had a miscarriage.  At least you know you can get pregnant.”
In all honesty, I ever said this to myself after our first miscarriage.  At least it implanted, at least it can work.  But then with 2nd failed attempt the doctors started to wonder if we have genetic issues.  Meaning maybe EVERYTHING will be a miscarriage.  1 miscarriage doesn't mean I now know 100% I can get pregnant and carry it to full term. 


5. "You're so lucky to be single!"
Even if you're reminiscing about your own carefree days of singledom, no one wants to hear this. "Just because I've never experienced marriage doesn't mean I don't miss that experience or think of what it might mean to me," says Grace. "I'm sure people in a relationship think the independence of being single is preferable at times. Yet singles have all the responsibilities of life without someone to share them."

#5 Infertility aka =“Enjoy your freedom without kids...do you want mine? (insert overbearing laugh).”
I cannot tell you how painful it is to hear stupid things like "just wait till you have to change diapers" or with a screaming child in the room someone smiling and saying "you sure you want kids?"  Infertile women LONG to hear a screaming child in the middle of the night.  Period. 


6. "If you'd get out there, you'd find someone."
"This rubs me the wrong way because you have no idea what I've tried or how aggressive or passive I might be," says Grace.

#6 Infertility aka=“Have you considered IVF?  My aunt’s friend’s sister’s third cousin’s friend did it and had triplets!”
People that have kids easily don't realize that IVF isn't fool proof.  I was told I had a 70% of it working and it didn't.  IVF is the most aggressive attempt we can make at this dream but it doesn't mean it will always work. 

7. "You should smile more/flirt more/wear your hair differently/wear more makeup."
It's hard to imagine anyone finding these useful, but singles say they frequently hear these rude suggestions. "It's smug to think that because I'm single, I clearly am doing something wrong," says Idora.

#7 Infertility aka=“Have you tried putting your legs up after sex?  Does your husband wear briefs?  Read ‘Taking Charge of Your Fertility.’ Eat pineapple core.  Sacrifice an animal (fine I added this one).
The tough thing about this is that as humans we naturally want to help each other out.  People just don't realize that by this point, I can have my 2nd master's degree in "HOW to get Knocked Up."  Honestly, I know more than most non-infertile couples.  Just because I'm married I don't consider myself a "dating expert."  I just feel lucky.  Just because you reproduced, I don't need 80 trillion suggestions.  And I've tried it all.  NO, my husband doesn't wear briefs or drink ever or go in hot tubs or get overheated and YES he eats lots of vitamin C.  Yes, I keep my legs in the air as long as I can possibly bear it.  Yes, I've read the book and a trillion websites . I have specialist telling me what to do.  YES, I do acupuncture, I use PRE-Seed lubrication, I eat pineapple I avoid caffeine, I eat weird seeds and Chinese medicine.  I've tried femera, clomid, IUIS, IVF, natural, OPKS.  Am I making my point? ;)


"8. You're still young. You'll find someone."

#8 Infertility aka=you’re still young, you have plenty of time.
I am glad I'm 29.  I'm glad the REs told me time was on my side. BUT my age doesn't guarantee anything or make me feel that much better. 


9. "Maybe you're meant to be single."
You don't have a crystal ball any more than your friend does. "I want to share my life with someone; I don't need to," says *Nicola in New York.

#9 Infertility aka=“Maybe it’s God’s will for you to not have kids.”
This is supposed to encourage me?  If it's God's will for us to NEVER have biological children, I think He will let US know in our hearts and give us peace and love and desire towards adopting.  We will be parents.  God made the human body to reproduce and HE himself loves to create and put this burning desire in women to pro-create.  I have peace God will lead us to His will, but please don't tell me this.  It just brings me fear and pain.


All this is interesting to me because my "wait" to get married was very similar to my "wait" of becomming a mom.  Same pain, same fear, same hope that seems so distant.  To all my infertile friends, keep spreading the word and keep fighting.  Hopefully there is a bit of humor in this post to get you to smile!