On the Radio

April 19, 2013

 

After the failed FET I couldn't pray for awhile.  I had so much faith for those 2 embryos and SO many people praying for us this time (when we did IVF the first time it was top secret).  It felt like a huge slap in the face.

 

After lots of anger, tears, confusion, I came to a place I haven't been yet in the journey.  Surrender.  Does this mean I no longer care if I don't have a child?  NO WAY.  The pain is still deep.  The miscarriage still fresh.  The longing and unsatisfaction are always present.  But I realize I can't control this.  I'm a Christian.  And God will do what He will do.  I've forced my mouth to say "your kingdom come, your will be done."  I will be first to say I'm not perfect at this.  I often feel frustrated other ttc friends don't have to "ask God" for His perfect timing becasue usually it aligns up with when they try to get pregnant.  It's not fair, but I ackwoledge that there is more to this I don't see.  I just want to know His way so I don't keep banging my head on walls and shooting my body up with hormones if it's pointless. 

 

I will continue to move on with our next IVF unless God makes it clear to stop.  I will still fight for our child.  But I am begging God for peace and joy and satisfication with whatever road he has selected.  I still cry. I still fear the unknown of if I will get to experience a kicking baby inside.  I still initally hate can't look at pregnant women.  I walk fast when I'm near the baby aisle. I still think about being a mom and loving a child every second.  I still sometimes allow myself to hope and dream.  But I'm also surrending my dreams. I heard this song today on the radio and it wa so weird how close it was to my prayers. 

 

Help Me Find

 

I don’t know where to go from here
It all used to seem so clear
I’m finding I can’t do this on my own

I don’t know where to go from here
As long as I know that You are near
I’m done fighting
I’m finally letting go

I will trust in You
You’ve never failed before
I will trust in You
 

Chorus
If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it

I’m giving You fear and You give faith
I giving you doubt
You give me grace
For every step I’ve never been alone

Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way
Even in the valley I will say
With every breath
You’ve never let me go

I will wait for You
You’ve never failed before
I will wait for You

 

I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again)
Have Your way my King (I give my all to You)
I lift my eyes again (Was blind but now I see)
‘Cause You are all I need