I've heard different terms. "The trenches." "Infertility hell." Basically anything that you would want to escape from and wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.
When my SIL got pregnant with 2nd child (she had struggled with a bit of infertility) she said, "Sorry I'm leaving the team." It's weird because that makes perfect sense. Once an infertile mommy sees the beautiful "pregnant" term on the test, the gates of hell open, the trenches spit you out, you leave the team. The people left in the trenches and in the hell are filled with a variety of emotions:1. Hope. It happened to them, it can happen to me.
2. Jealousy. Why wasn't it me?
3. Anger/sadness. Why them for reals? Why did they get out sooner? Why did you answer their prayers while I've been praying the same thing. It's not fair!
4. Guilt. I'm a horrible person. Why am I sad/mad that something wonderful happened to someone.
5. Acceptance. Remind myself I'm happy for them. I'm sad for me. And choose to get rid of emotions #2-4.
6. Repeat #5 many many many times.
When I got my positive pregnancy test on the first IVF, it was insane. In that magical second I felt a heavy weight lift. I heard the gates open. I saw light from the trenches. It felt amazing. Free. Even in that moment I was filled with faith to pray and hope more than ever for the friends left behind. I had to go back too soon.
My husband was frustrated with me last night because I was in a bit of a slump. "We ovulated, we timed sex right" he reminded me, "you were so happy for that." And I was/am. But then the realistic history of 2 years of failed attempts, low counts, failed IVFs come laughing in my mind and I can't help but feel a bit defeated. I worry it will never happen. What happens if next IVF and FET fail? What happens if I miscarry again? What happens if I don't respond well to meds? My pastor says "Worrying is planning negatively for the future." I like that. I try to remember it. But my crazy brain is always on. Always hoping, questioning, worrying. I'm not "depressed" but I feel like a HUGE piece of my heart is missing.
If you have or are dealing with infertility I'm sure you get this. Good days. Bad days. Today I can feel the flames in infertility hell. I'm deep in the trenches. And I really really want out.
Oh God, your kingdom come, your will be done. Give me strength. Give me more hope. Give me peace. Change my heart to your will. Comfort all the women in any stage of ttc or pregnancy.
I have felt your pain. It's hard for the men to always understand. Truly... we had some rough bouts of it. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you ever leave the team. Infertility is not a scar that closes easily. Sometimes you just become the cheerleader from the benches instead of an active player, but infertility stays on our hearts and minds. You'll have your season on the benches too, as I'm having now, but someday we'll be back and fighting for the next babe... because they're worth it. :)
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