Pour Me Something Tall and Strong

August 25, 2012

Ok, fine, pour me a non-fat cafe latte with light whip.  I was desperate enough to not even drink caffeine for 2 weeks in case it "slowed down the embryo through the fallopian tube." I'm not a drinker but the "pour me something tall and strong" song is stuck in my head in these disappointing days of waiting to restart a new cycle.

As I sit here drinking away my sorrow, enjoying the whip cream and comforting taste of coffee, my mind raises with questions about the future:

Why me?  Why did God choose me to go through this journey?  I know He has a reason and I trust that, but I'm not on the other side where I get the 'aha' moment.

What next?  My OBGYN is insisting that I do 1-2 more IUI's but I want to go straight to OHSU and get the dumb IVF rolling.  But what if that $200 IUI, just one more, is the one? 

Do I go all out?  My OBGYN thinks it's pointless to do the monitoring and HCG shot since I ovulate but every time I go in for the procedure the infertility nurses are in shock that I haven't been monitored and taken the trigger shot.  I kind of what to pay the extra and just do it all if I do have to do 1 more IUI.

Am I jumping to IVF too fast?  It's only really been since April this year that I've been consistently ovulating although we have been trying for almost 2 years.  Am I too impatient?  Some people wait over 5 years before IVF.

What if IVF doesn't work?  To jump to this extreme option is scary that we are here.  The end.  Plan Z when it comes to carrying my own biological child.  It's freaky and horrifying.

What are my morals?  I have always been PRO-Life and as a teenager firmly believed its a life the MINUTE the egg hits the sperm.  Well, do I believe that if the egg hits the sperm outside my body?  And if that's the case, am I okay with "freezing" several "souls?" 

Is it strange that OHSU calls these stored frozen embryos "brothers and sisters" for a frozen egg transfer down the road after baby #1 is born?

How many embryos would we want to transfer?  The protocol is 2.  The crazy baby fever lady inside me says 3.  When it boils down to it, after all the hell of IVF, I would rather have 3 than 0, or take the risk and have 1 survive instead of having to do IVF all over again.  (The RE did tell us that couples with triplets have an 85% divorce rate).

When?  Our flex spending kicks in November 1 (waiting for November would save us probably around $700 dollars) but is that money worth waiting 2 more months?  I know 2 months sounds like nothing, but in infertility land, it feels like an eternity.

What does God want me to do?  He feels so silent in all this.  Is He annoyed me with for pushing so hard or does He want us to fight for this and to go through the process to gain empathy for others? If I was unemployed and had failed attempts at job interviews, I would go to a job-fair/specialist and seek help.  Is it any different?

Does God want me to stand still?  There are times He wants us to back completely up (aka no fertility drugs, no medical help) and let Him do a complete miracle?  This terrifies me.  Or does He want to do a miracle through IVF?

I've always beat to my own drum.  I loved this quote I found on pinterest.  Smart wise?  Wait a few months, see where Darren gets a job, see if his insurance overs IVF.  Wait till January were we can use his flex spending too.  Wait a few more months.  Try on our own.  All of that is smart.  But my heart?  My heart says my arms can't bear to wait another month of knowing that I can't hold my baby sooner.  My heart says I'm ready and don't want to waste another second.  My heart says I can take all the pain and scary things that come along with IVF. My heart says IVF soon.

Although not pregnant, it feels good drinking this tall and strong latte. Sippppppp.

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