Maybe in the Future...

August 5, 2012

So I'm in that I-hope-I-ovulate-and-time-IUI-right zone.  I start opk testing day 10 and have ovulated as early as day 13, as late as day 25, and sometimes never.  Even though Femera 7.5 hasn't done me wrong yet, I always get a little nervous (and I'm freaking myself out I may have randomly missed 1 pill??).  Today is only day 12 so no need to panic.

In the meantime as I try to force myself into "positive thinking" I'm going to do a little maybe in the future dreaming.  I follow another mom-to-be's blog named Jen and she gave me this idea.  I'm' a Pinterest lover and I pulled these images from my boards to dream the what if....

First off, I love this picture!!  It tells the quick journey and is so precious.  I'm doing it!

I'm obsessed with gray and pink (girl) or gray and jungle green (boy).  I love this simple nursery so much.  I just painted our "guest room" grey with a little hope that it won't be a guest room much longer and that I'll be one step ahead of the game in nursery decoration ;)

Okay, isn't this creative?  Turn an old dresser into an adorable kid room dresser?  I love the baskets on the sides. 

EARS!!!  I think babies in ears are the cutest thing EVER!!  My little sister just registered for a fox ear beanie for my future nephew and it's precious.  My child shall wear the ears!

This picture speaks for itself.  SO DANG TRUE.  I might dedicate a whole wall to have this saying on it!



Future baby, I love you so much already.  I can imagine our lives with you.  I know that there will be challenges and sacrifices, but you are so worth it.  Know that you are so loved and so, so, so deeply desired.  Hope to meet you soon.

Hysterosalpingography

August 1, 2012

Today was the big HSG test.  85% of the "horror" was just the fear and the waiting for this day to come.  I felt like I was going to have a panic attack this morning (I've spent waaaay  to much google time on "what to expect" and read waaaaay too many bad stories).

My sister came with me but wasn't allowed in the room due to the radiology.  I was freaked when I walked into the room (it looked kind of like MRI).  For some reason, I thought it would be a normal ultrasound where they rub gel on stomach...didn't realize it was a full blown x-ray.

The technician that brought me back was my age and really nice, but I started crying sitting on the table waiting.

I could not have asked for a nicer man than the one that did the procedure.  He went into detail about what he was going to do (it's basically the same route as an IUI but the catheter has a little balloon they blow up to hold the tube in place). 

I could tell the doctor was a Christian and he was soo kind.  He constantly asked if I was okay, if anything hurt, if he was going too fast, etc.  My favorite part was anytime he had to look "down south" he would actually say "excuse me."  Hilarious considering I feel like that has become public property these days.  He tried to use humor and told me he met his wife in med school and at one point she forced him to sit in the "stir-ups" just to see how it felt (he didn't use them today). 

I had worked it up in my mind but the worst part was just the speculum coming in.  After that, I hardly felt a thing (didn't feel the dye at all).

We all watched the dye spill from my left fallopian tube and had to wait a bit for the right one to spill.  He said they were both open but the left was obviously clearer. 

This image isn't mine but it's similar to what we watched on screen.

He wished me luck and said God bless. 

Though uncomfortable, I'm so glad to have gotten this over with.  We now will proceed our next (last) 2 IUIs with clean and clear tubes (hopefully the dye moved out any blockage) and keep our fingers crossed and faith high.

Cramps In My Uterus, Cramps In My Heart

July 23, 2012

We all knew this cycle would be a long shot, but sometimes that gives me more hope than ever because often God loves working in the impossible situations.  I guess this just wasn't His timing.

I have quickly determined that out of the cycle days, the last 4 days of the 2WW are the worst.  The craziest.  The most emotional for me.  I was supposed to pregnancy test tomorrow if I hadn't gotten my period.  I always start it the day before I'm supposed to test.

On Friday I started feeling cramps and began to mourn it.  I know plenty of women that claim they had menstrual cramps but that their period never came, but once cramps set in for me (I always get them 3-4 days before arrival) I deep down can sense it's over for this cycle.  I usually feel really sad, and then on top of that deal with all the PMS junk that comes with the medicated cycle.

The crazy thing too is since I took the HSG shot, it made me feel kind of pregnant for a bit.  I was nauseous and tired.  I know the sperm count was low for the IUI but we had sex 36 hours before and isn't it supposed to live in you for at least 48 hours? 

Anyways, the cramps kick in and I let go, but I still hold on to that 2% chance that it's not over until I see blood.  I have a small glimmer of hope that maybe, like my sister, I will have cramps and the period never shows up?  So, every bathroom break becomes an emotional ride of  "is it coming?" 


As I move forward into my new cycle day 1, I'm getting more scared.  I have to have a procedure called a Hysterosalpingogram done where they fill my ovaries with dye to make sure they are not blocked.  I was told to take anti-biotic and pain pills before (this is NOT comforting).  I've been dreading this for months because the doctor told me to do three IUI's first (I think I just figured I'd get pregnant first).  At least we will know if my tubes are open. 

I got a note from the doctor saying "I would try 1 or 2 more IUI's then look into other options."  Even though we have decided IVF is probably best for sanity sake this fall, to hear it from a doctor seems more official.  More scary.  More real. 

Although I have cramps physically and emotionally, the only thing we can do is move forward. 

Dear God, I'm Sorry.

July 11, 2012

It seems like whenever I allow myself to have a crying-raging-snot running-shake the fist-pity party, I get completely, and overwhelmingly humbled.  Don't get me wrong.  Whether our lives are perfectly smooth or unfairly rough, everyone has the "right" to feel their emotions.  BUT, perspective is important.

Here is a quick summary of what I mean:
1.  I went 3.5 months with no response to clomid (aka over 100 days where getting pregnant wasn't even possible).  I was mad.  I allowed myself to think of God as mean.  He could fix this is a single word yet I'm suffering and suffering and suffering.  Not an ounce of prayer being answered...

But, through that, we decided to get my husband's testosterone level checked.  About 10 blood tests early, they were highly concerned he had growth on his pituitary gland.  The MRI confirmed it. 

I was terrified.  I want a baby more than anything, but I choose having Darren first if that's all I can pick.  I adore him and losing him would kill me. 
I was humbled.  Here I am shaking my fist and yelling "you're mean" to the Creator of the world, while this whole time, He may have just been directing us to discover Darren's growth (if we would've gotten pregnant right away, we never would have tested.)  I felt so bad.  God could be using infertility to save his life, and I had been throwing a fit.


2.  I started ovulating on femera, but we can never get the timing right.  Either I put too much pressure on Darren and he panics, I'm out of town, we think the IUI was too late, etc.  WOE IS ME.

My friend that recently found out she has basically gone through menopause and told she had a 5% chance of conceiving on her own (she's 26) had the most humbling response.  She said "Looks like God is going to use me to do a miracle through."  Wow. I've never once looked at it like this.

3.  Lastly, I felt pure rage last Sunday because after the injection, IUI, monitoring, and then just getting 1.5 million sperm, I jumped back into my "God is mean" attitude.  I cried and cried and cried.  I even complained about "how God could let me walk into pick up my hgc shot and run into a couple who had their 3 day old baby."  I went on about how cruel it was that He let that moment that I went to get the shot be the same moment I ran into this couple. 

Today, 2 people in our community died.  A 15 year old boy and a 26 year old youth pastor.  Drowned.  I was mad about the coincidence of running into new parents?  What about the coincidence of having a terrible accident?  If that 15 year old boy had simply decided to stay home.  Or if that youth pastor hadn't wanted to take a picture of that waterfall.  I feel like I have no right to complain about timing. 
I went to the youth pastor's facebook wall.  He had had a beautiful girlfriend.  This is what she had posted:

cannot even begin to describe the echoing scream inside my soul...a big piece of my heart died with you, Brett... this storm of thoughts and emotions is overwhelming to me. SO many people cherished and loved you; the things everybody has said ring so true to the core... thank you for forever changing my heart, my soul, my mind, and my life... your impact on everyone around you and God's kingdom is evident.

Even though I don't know these people, my heartaches for them.  For her.  There is a scream inside her soul.  I want a child so bad.  It hurts.  But I HAVE to keep perspective and not lose sight of the beautiful life I do have.  I can cry, I can be disappointed, I can be mad, I can long and hurt, and I will, but I can't question God.  Dear God, I'm sorry. Thank you for the beautiful life You have given me.  I don't understand Your ways, but I trust You. 

"We Need to Have a Chat."

July 9, 2012

As I was writing my last blog, I got a phone call from the fertility nurse at Kaiser saying I had two "beautiful follicles" that would be ready to go on Sunday (which is only cd 13).  I almost couldn't believe it since I've never had a "smiley face" surge till day 16.  She insisted that I schedule for a Sunday IUI. 

Still doubting, I asked if I should take the HCG trigger shot to guarantee.  "Why not" was basically her reply.  She said I would need to take it by 8:30pm (36 hours prior to Sunday IUI).  I couldn't believe it still but thought what the heck. 

Although I was still a little emotionally "tender" from the poking and prodding earlier that afternoon, I hoped in my car to drive to the pharmacy the doctor said to go there.  I asked Heidi (my sister) to join.  The whole way there I rambled on and on about cycle days and follicles and LH surges.  My pregnant sister had a glossy look in her eyes (let's be honest, infertility jargon is a foreign language to those outside the "hell").  Despite her not really getting what I was ranting about, she was kind and encouraging.

When we walked into the pharmacy, Heidi squeals with delight.  A couple from our old church were waiting in line with their  THREE DAY OLD BABY.  Heidi was pumped because her kid is due in just a few months.  I sat there, waiting for them to call my number and to give me the $200 shot I would have to inject in my stomach to have a baby.  Or to try to have a baby.  While I was waiting, I couldn't not hear their conversation. 

The proud father talked about how there are not words to describe the first time you "hold your newborn in your arms" and how actually seeing the combination of him and his wife is "amazing" and "out of this world."  He had every right to be as happy as he was, but the IRONY of it all was eating me alive.  It was hard not to be slightly hurt/mad at God to allow me in that SECOND to run into them.

They didn't have my shot so we had to drive 45 minutes back to Portland to pick it up (the place I had been a few hours earlier for the ultrasound).

I was scared to give myself the shot, but Darren was even more scared.  He almost seemed upset or terrified at the thought of penetrating me with a needle.  It was easy and pretty painless.  In case low sperm count is still an issue the doctor told us to have sex that night (36 hours prior  just in case I ovulated sooner) and then come in Sunday.

Here is me, right after the injection, holding the dang needle.  Baby, you are going to be SO LOVED.

So, Sunday morning we wake up for the IUI.  I feel really really peaceful.  Really joyful.  Hopeful. We filmed ourselves talking about how we were rooting for twins and on our way to make a baby.   Everything was going smoothly until the doctor called us back....

She said "we need to have a chat."  Basically, his sperm count was only 1.5 million.  This is INSANELY low.  Last time it was freaking 98 million.  I have read in my hours of obsessing and study that 10 million is the best "minimum" but anything under 5 million isn't cost effective.  1.5?

She gave us a minute to talk alone.  We decided something is better than nothing and we were already half way into the process so to go for it.  The IUI was fast.

As I laid there on the table for the 20 minutes after, I couldn't stop the tears.  For the first time I felt like we had finally timed things right (not to mention paid around $600 with all the monitoring, etc) and all we got was 1.5 million with her saying "chances are really low."

For the first time in a long time, I felt rage.  Pure anger.  Mad at God for allowing this.  Mad at Him for not replenishing Darren's sperm.  Mad that ME (poor me) had to lay there and basically watch another month go to waste. 

I was so mad that I actually wanted to rip the pregnant lady paper mobile floating above my head in the office.  Since I rarely feel anger, it makes me so uncomfortable and sad.  Then it came, uncontrollable crying.

On the way home, I reminded myself that even with a perfect count its still on 20% chance.  I reminded myself that God is the giver of life and He can create a child from 1.5 million sperm if He wants.  Sperm live in you for up to 2-3 days so maybe Friday night would cover the bases? 

By the time I cried it out, I was okay.  Scared? Yes.  Worried that I will have to do this whole thing again? Yes.  Upset with the results?  Yes.  Tired of being poked, straddled, and charged lots of money?  Forsure. But we want a baby.

Up the %$&*^%% and Around the Corner

July 6, 2012

Well, my husband and I made it back from Spain.  I'm a Spanish teacher and we took a group of 7 students.  It was amazing but it's good to be home.

I actually took a pregnancy test this time.  I usually don't allow myself till I'm "late" (which has been never) but there wasn't any spotting at all this cycle (usually is) so I got pumped and took a pregnancy test at 4:00 am before getting on the plane to Europe.  It was negative, but I still hoped.

Got my period on the airplane and dealt with that disappointment over the Atlantic Ocean.  Since I was with students, I was stronger than usual and didn't have a meltdown even though I just saw the 2 IUI's fail along with $400.  Periods almost feel like "dead children" to me these days.  However, trying to be optimistic, I knew the 9 days in Spain would help speed through those CD 1-10. 
So now, here I am, cycle day 11.  Because of the bad timing of my IUI's, they have finally insisted that I get monitored vaginally via ultrasound.  Let me give you an "image"

Basically, they put a probe up the you-know-what "cold turkey" because lubrication can kill sperm.  This is actually worse than and IUI for me because it's longer and they move the wand like crazy to "measure" the follicles.  I feel like I'm doing crazy sex moves (uncomfortable sex moves that is) hence the title of this post.  I was alone during it.  The top right image is basically what egg follicles look like.  Isn't it crazy that I could potentially be seeing my future child pre-conceived? 

Anyways, I cried on the way home.  Cried for the unfairness of it all (so many people get the "oops, funny!  We are pregnant and weren't trying" issue) as I have to lay there, legs straddled again, with a probe literally poking my ovaries.  I cried because I may never see an actual baby during an ultrasound.  I constantly remind myself that obviously life isn't far, I have a good/blessed life, but I can't help but have those few moments where I work on accepting and processing what infertility is.  It will be worth it in the end, but the end seems so far off.

So, now I wait for the doctor to tell me when to go back for another scan.  Hopefully I won't need too many before the next IUI, but at least it will be timed closer!  Fingers triple crossed!

Kickball

June 23, 2012

Well, here I am almost at the end of yet another 2 week wait.   I've been fairly "sane" this round and realistic.  Last night I had some cramping (I've had it on and off since IUI) and had a small melt down.  The emotions of trying not to read into every sign but expecting there to be blood every time I go to the bathroom and then hoping there isn't can drive you mad.  I'm sooo jealous of people that don't even know what a 2 week wait is/means.  Lucky!

Last night I was feeling so down!  Kind of the "don't know how much longer I can take this" feeling.  I decided to spend some time in prayer and worship.  I pulled out my old journal from when I did YWAM in Costa Rica and saw the reminder "Kickball."

Kickball is  a video by Rob Bell that made a lasting impression on me then about my "singleness" but couldn't have been more appropriate for where I am in this exact moment.

To sum it up, Rob Bell talks about how he is at a mall Kiosk and there is this crazy ball toy with a string that is pretty dumb/slightly dangerous.  His 2 years old really wanted it and started screaming "I want it, I want it" and even when on to "I NEED it." 

Rob Bell talks about the father's perspective and that he as the dad had a different view than the kid.  The toy could hurt him, frustrate him, tangle up around his wrist.  The little boy gave the dad the look "but I thought you loved me." 

Rob Bell takes the son across the street and buys him a kickball.

He goes on to explain how frustrated we get when God doesn't answer our prayers.  When we fill like we NEED it (ie a baby now!).  He reminds us that God is good.  We have to truly truly believe this.  And if we do, then all He can do is good.  If He isn't answering something right now, its because He sees something we don't.

I sobbed and sobbed.  I don't understand why this journey is so long and hard for us, but I do know that God is in control and that I must trust Him.

If you have 10 minutes, watch the video.  If you are frustrated for any reason and waiting for answers from God, this will change you.

Hot Tubs Kill Babies

June 12, 2012

There are sooo many oldwives tales, chinese herbs, advice, options, blogs, differing doctors, etc that drive a girl crazy.

I was super panicked because my temp rised the morning I got the IUI.  Here are the "responses" I've gotten:

1.  The infertility nurse that did the IUI said "you should still come in, the egg lives for up to 12 hours after spike."  She then told me not to read blogs but to trust the site/book "Taking Control of your Fertility."

2.  This site/book actually said that once you get the temp spike, its too late.

3.  So I emailed my own OBGYN and she said that yes, this second IUI was probably too late due to temp spike and recommended getting monitored next cycle.

4.  Then another nurse (that did IUI #1 this cycle) wrote me and said "Why are you temping?  The opk replaces that so don't stress." 

5.  Then, I crossed into forbidden google land.  Ranging from YOUR EGG IS DEAD (boo) to It could live up to 24 hours after spike, I'm more confused than ever.  One lady on a mommy want to be forum said she got pregnant the day her temp spiked and she got an IUI (yay!)

Insane how many different opinions.  I feel really disappointed from my doctor's email and can conclude that most experts think the spike is too late (while it did say a few experts think the day of is still good). 

One piece of advice is super true:  Avoid hot tubs at all costs.  For some reason Dar and I thought we just had to avoid them during ovulation window (we would go like once every 3 weeks) but he has been avoiding them completely, and it has greatly impacted count. 

Just get pregnant already!

Just Pretend I'm Not Here, IUI #5

June 10, 2012

Yesterday I got the true surge so we went in today at 7:15 for IUI #5.

I was a little panicked because I already had the temp rise this morning, but the nurse told me to relax and that the egg lives 12-24 hours after being released.  Darren reminded me we are doing all we can do (ie, scheduling when the doctor says) but I can't help but wonder if an RE would be telling me something different.
Before leaving, I took a quick video clip of Darren telling the camera where we were headed, me saying this could be the day, and then a quick interview of me asking my cat if she is ready to be a big sister (angry meow was the response).  I saw this on Bill and Giallana (them filming before IVF talking to their future child).  It could be cool to have someday.  Then we left for Portland.
First off, we got there early so Darren was happy because he didn't feel rushed. He got an AMAZING sperm analysis!  98 MILLION!!  How we went from 6, 10, and 15? I'm not sure, but it was great.  Thank you Jesus.

The nurse was a true "Portlander" in her converse shoes and natural looking style.  She was a bit more aggressive than the last and really really shoved the spectrum around. She took her time and chatted up a storm.  Just get the things in lady!

Before she went in, she had Darren hold his "98 million" (as she termed it) under his arm to keep them warm.  Once she started I asked Darren if he was still holding my babies. Ha ha ha (crack myself up).

Darren joked that the nurse was "including him in the process" as she went in she said "just pretend I'm not here."

IUI's are not natural and they aren't sweet and it's not the result of lovemaking. I've had to work through some loss of intimacy and bitterness due to this route we have to take.  But today felt more natural with Darren by my side and us trying to pretend she wasn't there.

So that is that.  Now my third or fourth EVER two-week wait begins...

Me after IUI number #5

Here is Dar's AWESOME analysis!!  Wooo hooo!!!

Ay Ay Ay U Ay (Stories of the Artificially Inseminated)

June 8, 2012

So, I got another !$@Q$#$ smile face.  This one almost had a sneer to it though.  It was positive on CD 14, but when I retested in the SAME urine sample, it was negative.  This has happened to me before (I know you are not supposed to read the Clearblue OPK lines but I always do and they always match), this time, on the positive, there was a smear!

This forced me into the battle of "do I?" or "do I not?" in regards to IUI.  I didn't feel like I was ovulating just yet and usually I get 3 smileys in a row if it's "true." After talking with Darren and the doctor, we decided to go for it anyways, since this could be the surge and since I was going to be in Denver on CD 16 and 17. 

So, off to the fertility office we went to "do it" via a catheter.  The whole process is emotionally draining and I had this sick nervousness that we weren't even getting the IUI done at the right time.

The nurse said my cervix was wide open and that she can tell my body "wants" to be pregnant.  Duh!

The good news was Darren's sperm count has more than increased 50%.  He has been religiously avoiding hot tubs. She gave him a "nice job" on the sperm collection and Darren seemed proud.  This was the least painful/quickest one yet and the nurse was freakishly nice.  She reminded me of my grandma.

Of course, I kept ovulation testing in Denver.  My temp never went up so I knew that the potential half of our baby (ie egg) hadn't come down yet and the evil smileface had mislead me once again.

Today, (CD 18) I got a very very strong positive (2 smiles from same sample, and another smile an hour later) so we decided to head back to the doctor tomorrow.  My mind again starts racing because I'm not sure where I'm at on the surge and I don't want to be too late (my temp almost spikes the morning after positive OPK).  But, this is the fastest track to get the sperm to where the egg hangs out.  I'm too afraid that if we try naturally it won't get there in time OR that I'll freak the living daylights out of my sweet hubby that he won't be able to deliver. 

$200 a pop isn't bad compared to IVF, but so hard because it has to be timed just right.  Of course, a $400 bill at the end of the month isn't the most fun thing to pay, but we are READY.

I texted Darren and said, "Woo hoo, tomorrow we are going to get PREGNANT" and he liked my attitude.  I tend to be negative as to not get my hopes up.  Darren is really really positive which I love and thank God for.  Can you imagine if we were both worriers/panickers/the sky is fallingers?

So, the stories of the artificial inseminated continue...  Although this is going to be our 5th IUI (only 1 of the 4 actually timed right), I really think the timing is as close as we can get it....PLEASE LET THIS BE IT GOD!

Here is me, bright and early, after IUI #4 we did pre-Denver trip (too darn early)

Pregnant Lady on Trailmix Aisle

June 4, 2012

Today is CD 13 and no sign of ovulation.  I'm half happy (maybe I won't get the smiley till after Denver) and half nervous (maybe I won't get the smiley.)

I called up dad to see if he could take me to Costco to get some supplies.  Dad LOVES going there with me and almost always buys me a coffee.  It's fun.  We were causually walking around while dad skimmed the aisles for samples and then I saw her.

Megan.  A friend I met many years ago at church but lost contact with.  She is my age.  She went through a rough break up to but ended up getting married a few months after Darren and I.  It was that awkward moment when you don't want to say hi and hope they didn't see you (I was in work out gear).

Then she turned. There is was.  A HUGE belly.  So dang cute.  Probably was at 8 months.  I don't know why it hit me so hard, but my eyes started to water, right there, on the trailmix aisle.

I think its my competitive nature.  I love achieving.  I love feeling ahead.  I also have always struggled with jealousy.  It stung.  My mind did the math before I could control it.  She was "ahead" of me and she had wanted I wanted. 

Luckily I could pull it together.  Luckily I reminded myself to trust His timing for MY life. 

When I lived in Costa Rica with my sister for YWAM the speaker said:

"When we pray for something (ie God take away my jealously issues), God doesn't magically take them away.  No.  He does the opposite.  He gives you several opportunities where you could be [jealous] and allows you to learn/choose how to not do it."

Oh man that's hard!  Jesus, I choose to thank you and praise you that you put this desire in my heart for a reason.  Help Megan to have a smooth and healthy delivery.  Give me peace and grace as I wait for my time.  Please Lord, let it be soon. 

Everything reminds me of missing my future baby.  This is soo my brain. 

Cupcakes with Blue Filling

June 1, 2012

A few weeks ago my mom asked when Darren and I go to Spain (June 25th) because my sister wanted to have a "Baby Gender Revealing Party" before.

Yesterday she went in for a "free" ultrasound at an antiabortion clinic because nurses needed to practice.  She found out the gender right then and there (she didn't plan to).  Which means, the revealing party was last night.

It all happened so fast, I didn't have much time to pull myself together to shift into the "so pumped for them" mode (which I TOTALLY honestly am, I just have to take a moment to accept that I'm not there).  My mom called to ask if I could help her through the party together.  That I couldn't do.

My mom called again, about an hour before, wanting me to guess the gender.  "I don't care mom, I'm happy either way."  Not good enough, I had to answer.  "A boy" (I guessed this based on my sister's description that all 3 nurses said, "We know FORSURE what it is).  Mom wanted to continue to talk. "Isn't it crazy Robby (our brother who went with her) found out before Joel (sister's husband).  My voice cracks, pull it together Holly, "I don't want to talk about this."  We ended the conversation and I sat down to watch the news.

It just so happens the news was talking about hidden videos at Planned Parenthood that basically said that they never ask why the woman wants an abortion.  They went on to say some women get abortions because the baby is not the gender they wanted.  This was my breaking point.

I let out the tears of frustration, anger, and a little bit of jealously.  It only lasted a minute.  But to think there are women that @#$#@#@^% fertile that they "select" (read in sarcastic happy voice) the gender and decide to try again????  Seriously?

Heidi and Joel had ordered cupcakes with either blue or pink filling and at the party, they took the first bite.  BLUE.  A son.  So much love in the room, so much joy, such a sweet little baby bump starting to shine through.

Again, I find myself with that TERRIBLE clash of feelings.  (I talked earlier about the bitter taste of Hope mixed with doubt)  Last night it was heartwarming joy mixed with heartache.  I'm the older sister, so its hard to watch when usually older sisters go first. 

I had another small breaking point.  One of Heidi's friends looked at me with a huge smile and said "You are going to be an AUNT!"  (this is like the 7th person that has said this to me).  "I already am an Aunt," I reply nicely, "My husband's sister had a baby a year and a half ago.  But yes, my first nephew on this side." I swallow hard.  These people are not trying to be rude, but for some reason, the over enthusiastic "You are going to be an Aunts" sting.  It's not "you are going to be a mom" and that's what I want to hear.

The other thing that threw me of was her friend has a baby and was talking about their 6 year plan.  "We will have a second child."  There is nothing wrong with this, but I couldn't help but feel a sense of jealousy that she could say that with such ease and confidence.  I wish I had that.  I begging God for 1.

 I'm so excited to meet my future nephew.  This child will have some of my genetic make up.  It could be the closest thing I ever get to "having my own." I will adore him.  But, as I wait, I will still hope for my own as well.

My cute sister and her hubby last night after the reveal...