Go to Sleep, Go to Sleep, Go to Sleep Little Ovaries...

October 19, 2012

So today marks day 12 of Lupron injections.  These are the ones that are supposed to put my ovaries to sleep. 

Last night was the first time it really hurt.  For so reason, the needle wouldn't go in.  Today, was my first "ultrasound" with the RE at OHSU.  They were checking to make sure Lupron was doing its job and had basically shut down my ovaries.  If it had, tomorrow I would start the stem injections.

The trip was short and sweet.  I get a little nervous driving to Portland, but it was fine.  They took my blood and the ultrasound was done in 4 minutes.  Dr. Lee shook my hand, said nice to meet you again, and then got to work. 

He said things looked good but there is one big follicle on the left ovary.  He said we will have to wait till blood test results come in.  The big follicle could be left over sack from last cycle...or it means one follicle overpowered the evil Lupron injections and that that one follicle could mess up the process of calming the hormones.

As far as I understand, worse casanerio is I keep doing Lupron a bit longer and don't start stemming till a bit later...meaning everything will just take a little longer.  He said that the bloodwork will tell him if it's a new follicle trying to ruin my plans or if its a left over.  I'm hoping for left over because that means I can start the scaryier three times a day shots tomorrow and get this show on the freaking exciting road.

It blows my mind how "Time" works.  When I'm on vacation, like our honeymoon for example, 7 days felt like the snap of a finger.  Between Darren's financial scare and waiting till mid-November when IVF is done and we know POSITIVE (please God) or Negative, seems like a billion years from now.  Days feel like weeks.  Waiting oh how I hate you.

On a funnier note, this weekend I turn 29.  We were out to eat with Darren's family and they all thought this was going to be my 30th.  I was so shocked and offended (not really) that they thought I was going to be THIRTY and I was kind of ranting about it on the way home.  Darren laughed as was like, it's not that far off, one year.  Very true point.  In the meantime though I'm embracing the 20's and hoping this is the best year yet in them.

Lastly, I read a fellow bloggers post and had to share what she wrote.  She said she is praying for 3 things:

1.  To get pregnant.
2. For God's will.
3. For the 2 above desires to finally be the same.

I LOVE this and am praying it too.

Yesterday during acupuncture, he asked "how are you doing?"  Honestly, I don't think there is a moment in the day, even in my dreams, when I'm not thinking about or hoping for the current and up coming treatment.  I've used this image before, but it is SO accurate.  All I can think is baby.  I'm trying to turn worries to prayers, fears to hopes, but none the less, it's still baby.

Panic Attack #1

October 13, 2012

I've been doing really well.  I had a pretty bad "Lupron" headache Monday-Wednesday but started to notice it going away Friday.  The injections have been fine...I get a little nervous right before giving the injection, but it's not horrible yet.  Tonight I get to get off birth control pills then another week of Lupron injections.  I go in this Friday to see if everything is "calm." If so, I'll start stemming on the 20th.

Yesterday I ran into an old friend who has gone through IVF a few times.  I asked for the honest truth about the progesterone-in-oil-shot (the big one), and she, a very calm and level person replied, "oh, you mean the mother FU*%#* shot?"  She said the first one feels like you get punched, and then it gets better.

Last night, I couldn't fall asleep.  I kept thinking about the many more injections I have left, how I'm going to "run out" of spots on my stomach to stick the needles, how I will bruise.  I haven't ordered all the medication and I started having half dreams of them not being here or them not working right.  I woke up yelling for Darren to come back and pray for me (he was still up).  I was crying.  "What if it doesn't work."

I'm going to be honest.  Raw. I believe 100% in faith and God.  I believe HOPE triumphs fear.  But I'm human.  Fear is normal.  I'm just going to verbally throw up my fears and try to move on and continue on it hope.  To force myself to remain positive, I'm going to do what my mom calls the "BUT" statement to each fear.  Here they are in order:

1.  #1 Most obvious fear is "what if it doesn't work?"
BUT, I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you...not to harm you.  IF it doesn't work, I will be sad, BUT I trust God and all He does and it means there is something better down the road. And, because it's only 50-60% odds of success, that is why we are buying 4 attempts.

2.  Miscarriage.  I  read so many BFP stories after IVF all to find out that there is not heartbeat at 6 weeks.  I know I can't "live" with this fear if I get pregnant, but I am scared.
BUT, 90% of pregnancies do not end in miscarriage.

3.  Egg retrieval canceled due to low egg production and/or no embryos being formed after ICSI
BUT, the doctors said this only happens 5% of the time, and they said since I'm young, this would be rare.

4.  The egg-retrieval.  I've never had anesthesia.  I haven't had to give myself an enema.  I've never had a needle up there.
BUT, several people go through IVF and anesthesia on a daily basis.  They survive.  So will I.

5.  Not having frozen embryos left.
BUT, it just takes one embryo to have a baby.

6.  The "BIG" 2 week wait.
BUT, the time will pass.  Time always does.

7.  Throwing up.
This has been a crippling fear of mine.  I know it's nuts, but its a full blown phobia.  I haven't been sick with flu since I was 8.  I'm 29 in 10 days.  I'm horrified. But, it won't kill me.

8.  The progesterone in oil HOLY $h*& shot.
But, I might be pregnant!!

9.  Getting OHSS and all the side effects that naturally come with these injections like crazy bloating.
But, I only stem 10-12 days.

10.  The payments on the $16,500 loan.
But, God has provided us with good jobs and He will provide this.

 

Preparing for Rain

October 10, 2012

There were two farmers, neighbors, both praying for rain for their crops - for their livelihood. After praying, one farmer waited for the rain; the other farmer went to his field and started preparing for rain. Which one do you think had the greater faith?"

Galatians 4:22-23

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:1

7 years ago, when I was suffering from a terrible heart-breaking breakup, my mom had me watch "Facing the Giants." There was a scene where an old man who came into the school to pray over the lockers had told the main character to "prepare for rain."  The man ironically was dealing with infertility, and the old man was basically telling him to start preparing for what needs to happen when God answers his prayers.

 I began to see that God is honored in hope and expectancy. There are so many things we are WAITING on Him for and we can chose to go forward with a spirit of fear, or with a spirit of hope. I believe this verse takes it a step further and encourages us to actually start preparing for what we are asking of God.  Like, expecting Him to move. 

Don't get me wrong, I know I cannot change God's plans.  Sometimes, it is not His will to "rain" so to speak.  However, as we move forward with IVF, we are choosing to present our prayers to God with expectancy.  God has put the desire to parent in our heart.  We are going through the most aggressive treatment out there to reach this desire.  Until God shuts the door, we are going to humbly, prayerfully, and hopefully EXPECT to be pregnant, this cycle.  If He says no, He says no.  But for now, we are going to PREPARE.  As sort of an "act of faith" I bought this bear hat last night, EXPECTING to someday, on MY baby (via IVF, natural surprise, surrogate, or adoption) take this picture shoot:

Shoot Me UP

October 8, 2012

Today Darren and I took the class at OHSU this morning on how to shoot me up.  It was a bit overwhelming walking into the room and seeing needles, viles, powders, fake skin rubber ball things, etc.  The nurse was super nice and we both feel READY.

Oddly enough I feel really happy today.  I'm ready.  I'm praying so hard (and appreciate ALL prayers) that this season, this time, God "remembers me" (as prayed by Hannah, Rachel, and Sarah in the Bible).  I realize despite my efforts the decision and timing remain in His hands.  I'm hoping that this IS HIS timing.  November.

Darren on the other hand is really squeamish and nervous about shots.  He asked if its best to go fast or slow.  He carried my Lupron Kit around.  He looked good with the needles.

Here is a pic of us with our first shot kit!  Again, I can't believe I even thought ONE ovidrel shot was a big deal.  Sigh. 

Darren's scared!                                                                                                    I'm HAPPPPPPPPY

Calm Before the Storm

October 7, 2012

Assuming the RE is fine with me moving forward with IVF despite the mild cervical issues, today is the calm before the storm.  It's funny how "emotional" taking ONE HSG shot made me.  I couldn't believe I was at the level of having to take and injection.  I've done the math.  Starting tomorrow over the next few weeks I will be giving myself over 50 injections!

I follow several blogs and realize there are several attitudes I can choose to acquire during this.  I can go through the "life isn't fair" and "why me" ranging to "this really sucks, but worth it," to "praise the Lord I get to inject myself again because I'm on the way to baby land."  I think I'm going to work on staying in the last 2 mind frames.  I'm human. It will hurt.  The side effects are scary.  I hate needles not to mention Darren is freaked to inject me (we take the class tomorrow).  I don't want to be superficial and act like it doesn't bother me at all, but I also want to remain hopeful and grateful this science is an option.

My sister in law gave me a book awhile back about 3 friends who had issues conceiving.  One had to go on to IVF and talked about the various injections but the one that put the most shutters through me was one she had entitled the "HOLY SH*T SHOT"  (aka the progesterone oil one that goes into butt muscle).  That was is one of the lasts.  I think HOLY SH*T SHOT sounds like a good blog post title.

Although we are keeping this a secret from family, I'm telling close friends.  One friend wasn't aware of what IVF was so I explained it.  She said "I want to have my kids the normal way." Seriously?  Why didn't I think of that? ;)

So today I will relax, organize the house, lesson plan, watch Once Upon a Time, pray.  I can do this.  It will be over in a month.  Bring it.  But, until tomorrow's first Lupron injection (which I heard several refer to as 'Lupron Hell') I'm going to enjoy the calm.

Hosting Baby Shower with Cervial Dysplasia

October 6th, 2012

Today I ran my sister's baby shower.  As planned, it was for today considering Ryker wasn't supposed to come till November 9th.  She decided to keep it.  As the oldest sister, I naturally  and gladly am the one who runs the show.

It was perfect.  My mom has amazing life-long friends in the church and they come to all our celebrations.  I ran the game (Mr. and Mrs. Wright and the Price is Right) and I sat by Heidi and wrote down every. single. item. she received.  TWENTY SEVEN gift givers, and over 100 precious little onsies, shoes, dinosaur hats, nipple pads, dishwasher caddies, blankets, hats with ears, medicine, bottles, etc. 

I was okay but I have to be honest, I am ready to be away from 'baby land' for a bit.  I have learned to swallow the pill that it was God's plan for her to have the first baby and not God's timing for our little boy/girl to enter the scene.  I've accepted that long ago.  But its all real and it quietly tugs at my infertility struggle and fears.

The hardest points were the following:

I've had too many "congrats on becoming an aunt" comments.  They are incredibly innocent but this secret blog is where I can throw up my raw emotions right?  I have been an aunt to my sister-in-laws baby for 2 years.  Don't say "it's not the same, it's not bloooood."  I might adopt some day and that baby won't have my 'blood" either.  I'm not bitter at all (maybe it's been a rough week).  I am happy I am an aunt again, but please please please stop congratulating me on this.  My sister went through hell and back to push the baby out.  Congratulate her.

Heidi (on me driving her from hospital to shower) started crying telling me that she loves her husband more than ever.  Seeing him hold THEIR child that came from THEM.  She explained it as amazing.  God, I want to feel that so bad.  This crazy love all mother's swear by.  That glazed look at my husband for giving me this child.  The feeling she gets when her baby looks her in the eyes.  The beauty of it all actually horrifies me as I realize I may never ever know this feeling.

Thank the Lord IVF is around the corner, there is a little hope left in my soul.

The last hardest part, (and has been), it just the pure fact the oldest child (me) didn't make my parents grandparents, and my grandparents great grandparents.  I can get over that.  At this point, I want a baby.  Period.  But my mom felt the urge to share (at the shower) how she has only heard how awesome it is to be a grandma and can now verify that it's true and her crazy love for this baby.  Grandma mentioned that he is their "First great-grandchild."  The thing is, they have every right to say all this and it's all true.  No one should tip-toe around the "infertile aunt." But for some reason I can't help but have an inner cringe and find myself doing an extra blink to hold back tears during these "announcements" or "sharings."

PS.  Results are in from the Dr.  I have "mild dysplasia" which  refers to the presence of precancerous changes of the cells that make up the inner lining of the cervix, the opening to the womb (uterus). The term dysplasia refers to the abnormal appearance of the cells when viewed under the microscope. Basically he thinks there is a high chance it will correct itself and said it's mild.  He told me to go ahead with IVF and get another pap in 6months -year.  And continue of with IVF I will.

Baby Birth and Birth Control

October 4, 2012

Insane crazy week of events and emotions.  Darren should know about the financial drama tomorrow but has a lot of stress.  I should know my HPV results Monday.  I start IVF Monday if the prior things clear.  THEN...

My little sister's water broke yesterday morning.  She had her baby last night.  He wasn't due till November 9th so he defiantly came early.

I got there in time to be with her during pretty intense contractions.  My baby sister who has a high pain tolerance omitted heartbreaking sobs, groans, and moans during each contraction.  She was begging for the epidural but the anesteiologist was running behind.  It was really hard to watch.

Finally the anestieologist came and within the half hour she was back to her perky self.  I didn't realize "pushing" takes so long.  Her and her husband decided they wanted to be alone as the baby was born.  It took her 2 hours to push him out.  He came at 2:50 am this morning.  5 lbs, 14 oz. 

We were all waiting outside the door.  We heard a nurse say "he's out" but then no cry.  For the next 10 minutes about 6 different nurses/doctors walked in and out, none making eye contact.  My mom was in a frantic "why don't we hear the cry?"  "he should be crying" "I don't hear a cry."  It was silent for a long time.

In those moments, my emotions were raw.  I had been doing an awesome job of hiding any jealousy/pain that today was the day my parents became grandparents from their middle born child, not me.  I was longing to be crying in pain pushing out a child.  I wanted to be in that room, pushing out MY baby.

But in the silent non-baby-crying-filled time frame, all pain from me erased and I instantly realized again people have it worse.  Carrying a full baby to term and losing it or having a still born or even the fear that comes with preemies is worse than any IVF treatment.  In that moment I prayed and tried to barter with God.  God, let this baby be okay.  I would give up me every conceiving for him to live.  As the long silence continued, my mind raced.  There was no sound or cry from the room.  God, let him live. 

Ryker Joel Jaquith is a fighter.  They chose the name because Ryker means strong.  He had to get whisked away to NICU on breathing tanks (lungs are not fully developed) but he is going to be okay.  Today Heidi got to hold him the first time.  She sobbed.  My mom sobbed.  Something about my mom crying, staring at her firstborn grandchild, reminded me of my own selfish pain.  I left for work.

Irony is so strange.  During Heidi's labor, I had to take one of my birth control pills.  Funny how life works.  I will continue to seek and praise my God and trust His timing for our life.  I am so deeply happy for them, and so deeply reminded of what may never be a reality for us.  Again, the clash of 2 opposite feelings.

Here we are, the new Aunt (me) on left, the new mommy, Heidi, and of course, the sweetest little guy alive, Ryker.



Kink In Plans For the 83402948239592305 Time

October 2, 2012

Crazy how fast things change.  Still waiting on Darren's news...

I got a random call from my normal OBGYN's office this morning.

My pap smear from 2 weeks ago was abnormal.

I forsure carry the HPV virus.

The nurse assured me that 3 out of 4 women carry the virus.  Since they saw "imflamation" there too, they want to do further tests.

They want me to come in November 4th.  They tell me to delay IVF till I get the results.

I beg to let ANY OBGYN to get me in sooner.  There is one open.  Today.

The nurse tells me it will basically feel like a pap smear but its called a "Colposcopy."

I went in, not worried, more annoyed about this delaying IVF. 

But when they took me in the "room" it was different.  It was way more sciency looking.

No one warned me, but this procedure involves FREAKING CUTTING out parts of the cervix to test.

It was a biopsy.

I could hear the snips.  It was worse than HSG.  My legs were shaking after.

I get a call Monday.  If it's clear (which I'm expecting it to be), I can proceed with IVF.

BUT, they said some IVF doctors like to delay treatments a month just to let cervix heal from the cuts.

Back to waiting land where fears become nightmares.

Sigh.

IVF Becoming Reality

October 1, 2012

Went back to OHSU for the last of our "pre" tests.  I had to have a trial transfer and something that counts my possible egg growth.

I was nervous, but excited.  It was almost pain free.  The only real concern was the Dr. said my cervix is a little tricky to get to and isn't centered.  It took him a while to get in where he would drop the embryos.  He said it wasn't anything to worry about. 

In the meantime, Darren was giving a sperm sample as a backup to freeze, just in case.  He said the collection room was incredibly goofy because there was a weired painting of a naked woman on the wall.  LOL. 

I got the call in the afternoon for my "protocol."  It will actually take a little longer than I thought.

I continue on birth control till the 13th

Next week I start Lupron injections to "calm" the ovaries.

About 2 weeks later I start the "stems" FSH and Monopur? 

They start monitoring around the 19th.

If everything goes smoothly, they predict Egg retrieval to be between October 28 and Nov 2....

I thought my insurance would pay 50% but they only cover if its for and IUI.  So, it looks like the meds will be about $2600 additional.  It's okay though.

Still waiting on Darren's end of things...should know Friday.  If financially we are sound, we will start shots MONDAY.  This is becoming really real.

While I'm Waiting

September 25, 2012

Got some really bad news recently from Darren's school bill that could change the course of IVF.   We should have answers from them soon. Back to the dreaded land of the waiting.

I feel like so much of this journey has been WAITING.  Waiting to see if I ovulate.  Waiting to see if my progesterone is normal.  The @$@#%@%@@ 2 Week wait.  And now the IVF timing wait. 

I have grown to hate the land of waiting because here the mind can take over.  Fears become nightmares.

My pastor once said "Worrying is planning negatively for the future."  It's true in theory, hard to actually put in practice.  Guess God wants to teach me how to control my thoughts (this could be useful during my eventual IVF 2ww).

I did buy birth control today.  It was so incredibly strange to hear the pharmacist say "use a backup plan for 7-12 days so you don't get pregnant."  WOW.  I have to go on BCP anyway before IVF so I might at well start it in case we decide to move forward this month. 

This song couldn't be any more applicable to me right now.  Here's the lyrics, youtube link is at bottom if you want to hear the song.

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I will move ahead bold and confident
I'll be taking every step in obedience, yeah

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint

And I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You Lord

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting

 

 

Bye Bye IUI/Hello In vi tro

September 23, 2012

Honestly, despite the low progesterone result, I was holding my breath.  Hoping.  I think hope is the only thing that can keep ya going in these situations.  Hope that this isn't forever.  Hope that God has a plan.  Hope that end of this crazy, insane, hard journey, my child will be there waiting.

It would be lying if I said I was surprised when the dreaded period showed up today, but I was also prepared.  Instead of the usual mourning I instantly thought "So God has it planned for us to do IVF."

So, Bye Bye IUI

Hello Invitro.

I was scared, but now I'm more excited.  I can suck up anything for a month.  I will start birth control in 3 days to help my ovaries take a break.  Though I'm sad I didn't conceive, I'm excited for the break.  Obviously I can't get pregnant on birth control, so for the first time in years I can have sex without thinking about infertility.   I can take a breath.  Relax.  And gear up for the injections, egg retrieval, and HOPEFULLY egg transfer. 

I can't believe that my chances of being pregnant are about to be FIFTY percent or higher.  I can't believe that by early November, I will know the results.  I can do anything for a month.  Fear has been replaced with anticipation.  Bring it on. 

Lord, give us the strength.  Remind me that you are with me and though I don't know why, this is the path you are leading Darren and I down.  I thank you for this beautiful science.  I thank you that we have jobs to help us pay for this.  I thank you that you are building our testimonies so someday we will truly be able to relate to other couples struggling.  By your grace and mercy, I ask that IVF works the first time.   I trust you, I praise you, I am letting go and trusting that what is best will work.  Prepare our hearts for this month and fill us with hope and joy.  Instead of crying, give us laughter.  When I give myself injections, remind me to praise you instead of complain.  When I am afraid, remind me to turn it to prayers.  Thank you for the plans you have for us.

Un-Beautiful Cervical Mucus

September 17, 2012

Since I have been ovulating since April and since I went the extra mile to take the HCG shot, I hardly forgot that I even had my 7dpo test done Saturday.  My progesterone levels since femera have ranged from 15-48; all great indicators I've ovulated.  I usually call in the next morning to get results because I'm so anxious, but this time, since it's worked for so long, I didn't even think about calling.  For once I didn't obsess or worry about it.  The only thing I thought was a little off was the nurse didn't mention anything about nice-looking cervical mucus this time, but she was super quiet in general.

I got an email today.  My level was a FIVE.  After frantically googling this, 5 is the lowest it can be to mean I did have ovulation, but it's by no means a good sign.  The nurses note read:

This does show ovulation, but fairly low level hormone produced. Dr
Foster should have also received this and should advise on what next.
I almost couldn't beleive it.  I felt like I ovulated.  My nipples are on FIRE like they are every other ovulatory cycle?  I did have lots of EWCM two days later and we "did it."  I'm hopefuly I just ovulated a bit later because there were THREE eggs on the ultrasound. 

But I'm super freaked out because the HCG shot didn't work.  It is supposed to force all the grown eggs out.  This EXACT shot it what they use for the last step in IVF.  Scary.

I'm a little confused with exactly what God wants from me.  We have had either bad timing, low sperm count, or no ovulation each IUI.  Is it a sign that he wants us to let it all go?  Only purse adoption?  Or is it a gentle reasuurance that IVF is the next step, and to move forward with confidence?

I had acupuncture today.  As I laid there and prayed, all I could hear was "Be still."  I know I did what I could do this cycle, the rest is in His hands and out of my control.  I feel a little numb about it all as I feel like our last hope in the IUI has just become a very very long shot.  But I know He is good and I trust that too.  I know He has already selected the "when" I just have to choose to trust that and move forward.