Born-Again Lupron Virgin

January 30, 2013

Can't help but look back to pre-IVF round 1 and think about how cool it would be if I only had to do it all once?  Maybe pregnant with twins round 1 of IVF and adopt a 3rd or have a "surprise" baby when things weren't so stressful?  The hopeful crazy thoughts we allow in our head on those crazy hopeful days when we allow ourselves to dream of a _____(insert month here 9 months from day of dream) baby.  It happens.  You do hear stories.  But so far no such luck for us. 

I wanted to consider myself a born-again lupron virgin.  To be able to move on from the nightly injections, the eternal headaches, the emotions that come with watching your own hands inject things into your own body.  As a born again lupron virgin, I would forget the pain of the past and move forward, knowing that "season" was done. 

I couldn't help but think about that just about now, I would have been clearing the 12 week mark.  My belly would have been growing.  I would be just 4 weeks away from knowing the gender.  What are the odds that IUI's have a 15% success rate and I did EIGHT and never hit it, but the ONE time I was pregnant I fell into the 15% miscarriage rate?  One thing for sure dear readers, I am NOT planning on buying a lotto ticket any time soon ;) 

Why am I writing about all this?  2 big boxes of lupron and A LOT of needles are sitting on my table, waiting for me.   It's the eve of the eve before I start those shots, and this time for at least a month.

I get that I have a choice.  I can look at them with dread, shutters of the past failure, emotions from round 1.  Or I can look at them as hope, as vehicles that God has allowed us to use to get where we want to go.  What if those 2 kits and all those needles result in one or two healthy little babies?  Will I be sad/complaining/scared/doubtful then?  No. 

So, on the eve of the eve of familiarizing myself with this un-fun drug, I'm going to relax that I don't have to do it tonight, rejoice that is represents March 8th coming closer and rejoice that it can lead to answered prayers!

Shearwater Inn

January 26, 2013

Darren and I just celebrated our 3 year anniversary.  We got this great deal at Lincoln City Beach at the cutest little inn right on the beach.  From our bed you faced a gas fireplace and the ocean and they brought us breakfast in bed each morning.  The weather was perfect and it was so fun to get away from everything for a bit.  Here's a pic of our view from balcony!

There are some "dangers "in too much time though.  We went to the outlet malls at I bought THREE baby outfits for 3 different friends/family in live that have a baby or are about to have a baby.  They are the cutest things ever-pajamas that look like teddy bear fur and the hoodie has ears.  Maybe it was buying those that triggered a ever deep growing sadness I couldn't shake.  Too much down time, too much time to think.  As the sun got brighter, my heart got dimmer.  Falling into a well down slump.

So many fears.  I know that "fear is the opposite of faith" but lets be honest.  I want this FET to work more than anything.  I'm afraid it won't work at all.  I'm afraid it will, all to result into another crushing miscarriage and DandC.  I'm afraid of those horrible horrible dreadful days between when they put the embryos in and when I know if they stuck.  Then I go deeper.  What if it never works?  What if God has some crazy plan of me miraculously getting pregnant in 10 years when I'm 39? (I know His ways are best, but that's a scary thought).  Down down down the slide my mind goes.  Next thing I know, I'm crying alone in my car.  Begging God to answer.  To move.  To breathe a breath of hope.  And poor Darren.  The infertility issue follows us wherever we go.  I asked him to pray for me and then I felt better.  I still think about all these fears everyday, but not to the point of allowing it to really sink in and make me panic.  Oh God, let March come soon.

A cute highlight of the weekend was our trip to the Coach purse store.  Darren has promised me that as an early "push" (or adopt) gift I can get a Coach Diaper Bag at the outlet.  He was like, "Let's get one this weekend just to prepare and be hopeful."  I agreed to look but I don't want to buy one until I hear a heartbeat.  I have enough "faith" gifts laying around.    In the store the sales people were super aggressive and when they heard "diaper bag" the man showed us like ten.  Then he said "this is a gift right?"  Awkward pause....then I say, "Well, we are hoping to get pregnant soon so it's kind of for us."  Then Darren piped in and said, "Yes, it's for us, we are wanting to buy one."

It was really really fun for me to hear him say that.  He has been so supportive of me but rarely talks like that.  It made me smile.  End of story, I walked out with a new purse instead so I'm happy.  Hopefully we can go back in a few months and buy a pink or blue bag...

Shearwater Inn was a good little refresher.  And the king size bed was the best, so comfy.  I've started my protocol of BCP and start Lupron February 1st, just 6 more days till it starts to become more real that IVF round 2 is on it's way!

Angels and Protocols

January 17, 2013

First off, about a week ago my sister in law called me and told me about her medifast coach who had gone through FOURTEEN years of infertility.  This coach is actually a woman I use to babysit for when I was a teenager.  She is a strong Christian and wanted to reach out to me, and reach out she did.

She met up with me for coffee and brought my a "faith gift."  She shared her story and for the first time, I felt like I was finally talking to a live human being who fully "gets it."  IF is so isolating even with the terminology.  My SIL thought the embryo transfer was called the "implantation" (I wish).  Most people don't even know what an embryo is while I, am obsessed.  In fact, last night in the hot tub a bubble floated by and I thought "HEY!  That looks like and embryo!"  (only infertiles understand).  I was telling my mom that I read this quote that says something along the lines of "you can hear me, but you can't understand me."  I have felt that way often. 

Anyways, this woman was one of the first even to do IVF in the US (she did it in the 80's) and was featured on 20/20.  The first try she got pregnant with triplets only to have ALL THREE result in blighted ovums like mine.  Round 2 she had to cancel cycle due to OHSS.  Round 3 with only 2 "lower level" embryos is when she conceived her daughter.  Through her testimony, it was amazing to see how God had clearly weaved His love into her life.

It was also nice hearing HER say the things that kill people going through issues.  "I wasn't even trying" to the 100th baby shower, to jealously/pain mixed with joy when friends/family get pregnant.  She "went there" with addressing the fact that my little sister has a 3 month year old while I have empty arms.  I couldn't help but tell her my most recent "encounter..."

I was selling tickets at our high school basketball game and a sweet-hearted kind woman I work with couldn't wait to tell me she is going to have (read in a really super crazy happy perky voice) ANOTHER grandbaby (her son had a kid like 7 months ago).  Then she went on (repeat reading in even happier, crazy, perkier voice) and they WEREN'T EVEN TRYING!!!  I wish I could say I feel to the ground thrilled or laughing or returning the enthusiam but holding back tears I was like (fake happy voice) that's wonderful!   This is such a good example of why this crap is isolating.  I was hurt by a woman who did NOTHING wrong.  She has every right to be thrilled to be grandma 2 but it still stung.  My sister has the right to adore her baby, but it can still hurt.  My mom has the right to tell me weird stories about her grandchild making cute gurgles, there is nothing wrong at all, but yet, I still hate it.  It makes you feel evil and it turns you into a pro fake-smiler.

Darren, my husband, often reminds me that God doesn't waste time and that perhaps is allowing all this pain/waiting/infertility all to help a younger want-to-be-mom- down the road.  I think God knows who is super strong and who can handle it (and of course, He give us what we need to survive).

One of my favorite moments with her was when I said, "Thanks for making time for me."  Her response was "Someone once made time for me."  It was this beautiful "pay it forward"moment.  I couldn't help but imagine years ago, her husband saying, "someday you will help a wanna-be-mom-"

And help she did.  The faith gift was a little outfit for a boy and girl.  She asked me to leave them in a place where I can see them and EVERYDAY to thank God for what He is orchestrating in the future. She said that she had prayed that God would use her as a 'dispenser of hope."  Her prayer was so answered!  She also promised to pray for me daily, to have hope when I don't, and to not stop until I call her with news of a viable pregnancy.  I walked out feeling hope...a feeling I lost with the
miscarriage.



Now onto protocol!!  OHSU called me today and here is the tentative plan:

Jan 19-Feb 10th  Birth Control Pill

February 1- Start the lovely LUPRON injections

Feb 15-first ultrasound

Late February start some estrogen pill (1 a day and increase to 3 a day)

Start the Holy *(^^*(&^&%% injections (Progesterone in oil)

and, drum roll please.......

March 8th is the ETA for my frozen embryos to reunite with my body!! 

It still seems so far, but knowing a date in my head makes me excited!  I'm sure the fears/nervousness/doubt will come in but today I felt hope.

Funny Stuff in the Storm

January 12, 2013

(Little update, no period at all. I was totally "siking" myself into believing it was coming.  It's all good though, I started a 10 day medicine to induce it and then enter the 7 week protocol.)


So, infertility is nasty.   Heartbreaking.  Hopeless at times.  Today I have spent the majority of the day mourning, crying, and praying.  It comes in waves of "I'm great" to "what the h e double hockey sticks just happened?"

But, in all things, there is humor. 

1. The morning on the way home from the doctor I texted the family and friends that knew that "today, confirmed by ultrasound, our sweet little babies went to live in heaven." My inbox was full of kind, loving messages of encouragement and support.

We always tease my mom for her bad text messaging skills. Her message read:

"Holly, I love those little babies so much. I will miss not getting to meet them down here! It makes heaven that much sweeter..knowing someday we will get to eet them."

EAT them?

I had to laugh a little through the tears.

2. Today I read a woman's blog who talked about some weird "good luck fertility" thing you do New Years Eve (WHY did I just find that 12 days late??).  To increase fertility all you do is wear red underwear and eat 12 grapes at midnight and then toss the underwear away the next day.  She went on to say that it was weird but at this point she would be willing to "sacrifice a calf" to get pregnant.  I actually had to agree.  Any one have a calf or red underwear I can borrow??

3.  Speaks for itself, my children will be flawless:

4.  I liked this one too.  Everyone has advice, but if the sperm is low and the ovaries crazy, thanks for your advice (grrrr)

5. No seriously, I need red underwear or a calf...and 12 grapes.

8 Weeks Not-Pregnant

January 9, 2013

I think I may have ovulated around December 21st (I threw OPKs out the window last month due to the miscarriage and all the HCG hormones), which means my period should be starting around now.  I'm pretty sure it is, but it's taking it's time.

This is the first time in about 1.5 years that I'm actually happy to see mother f-ing dear Aunt Flow (I hate that term).  It means I can get to my FET (frozen embryo transfer))sooner! I assumed I would have to take Provera to induce it, meaning another 10 days.  I also assumed that once I got my period, I would be about 3 weeks away from TRANSFER DAY!!! Enter burst bubble:

I emailed my RE yesterday asking what my "protocol" was.  He emailed me back saying "Schedule an appointment with me."  This was somewhat upsetting because I had an appointment with him 2.5 weeks ago.  I called the nurse (I figured he was confused) and he was.  She laughed and said (I SWEAR to heave this is exact quotes), " Dr. Patton is a 'ding-dong." She went on to say that he has been on vacation, maybe had too much wine, and has been spacey.  The place I'm going is often ranked top 10 IVF clinics in the nation and they are telling me my doctor is a "ding-dong?" A bit unnerving but whatev.

So anyway, I ask, "can you tell me protocol."  This was the shocking reply

1.  Wait till my period comes (should be here soon, but who knows, my body is whacked)

2.  Start birth control for 2 weeks on cycle day 3.

3.  Take Lupron injections for a full MONTH (to suppress ovaries)

4.  Take some type of oral estrogen (another 10 days)

5.  Then, start those nasty huge progesterone in oil needles (by the way, my booty still hurts when I run from those guys).

6.  Come in for transfer. 

After reading what seemed like the longest list ever she said, that's your 7 week protocol.  Doing the math, I added another 10 days till I know if it worked.  There you have it.  8 weeks not-pregnant.  My heart sank.  I had just convinced myself it would be like a 2 week protocol, but in reality, its longer than normal IVF protocol. 

I can't complain. Praise God I have this opportunity.  Praise God that I actually have frozen embryos. I'm happy I don't have to do egg retrieval.  I'm happy we could get a loan for this. But 7 weeks feels like a prison sentence.  Ok fine, I'm complaining, but I'm being honest.  It seems so far.

My body WANTS to be pregnant. I can feel it. My mind and heart actually miss the little embryos sitting in that dumb freezer. My womb is empty and wants to be full. 

I know God's timing is perfect, but March seems so far.  I have been on such a crazy cycle of, "it didn't work, let's try next cycle, it didn't work, lets try next cycle" that to have to sit here and wait 4 months from first IVF transfer is killing me.  I can't do anything about it but eat my pre-natal gummies.  Come on March.

Trust

 

January 5, 2013

As most of you know, I've been sentenced to 1-2 months of waiting before trying again for our frozen egg transfer. The doctor told me to wait to get my period, but, with PCOS that means I could be waiting for over ninety days. He did say I could induce my period if it hasn't come by the 14th of January, which isn't too far off. However,when you are waiting, each day seems a bit longer than usual. Thinking realistically it will probably be a month before the embryos return to me seems like a mini eternity. On the flip side, the first two embryos were placed inside Nov 4 and it doesn't seem that long ago...

While I'm waiting, God has been teaching me a few things.  There is this devotional I bought called "A Jesus Calling" and it's written as if God is speaking DIRECTLY to you.  The first thing God has been teaching me came through the book.  Recently, it say to get into the habit of saying aloud "Jesus, I trust you" in ALL circumstances.

I hit a low point a few days ago, because I actually told God how painful the whole thing had been.  To experience and answered prayer inside my womb after so much trying all to have it literally sucked out of my body.  It felt like the answered prayer was "Indian given" if you will.  I couldn't sleep that night.  I had allowed the true emotions to surface.  I thought of Jaden and his/her life with me.  He/she should be growing in my belly but instead is gone.  It was the first time I couldn't shake it.

But then, I felt like God spoke to me.  I'm a Christian.  You can't be half Christian, it's all or it's nothing.  If I truly am a Christian, than no matter what, I have to believe God is good. All that all He does is good.  Period. I than began to realize that my brain is so limited to Him and what He does.  I felt like God was telling me that I am not capable to understand why what happened, happened, but to trust Him to remember that all He does is good.

So, with the encouragement from the devotional, I'm trying to get into the habit of whispering, "Jesus, I trust you."  It's healing.  It brings hope again.  It reminds me that a good Creator is doing what is best for us. 

I am scared the FET won't work:  Jesus, I trust you.

What if I have another horrifying miscarriage?:  Jesus, I trust you.

What if I never can carry a baby?: Jesus I trust you.

The 2nd thing God is teaching me is His ways in things.  For so so so long, I've been frustrated with God because He is all-powerful.  I don't feel like I'm asking a lot when I want Him to simply touch my womb and allow life to grow...heck, it seems like He doesn't have ANY problem doing this for every friend, sibling, and acquaintance in my entire world.  I was like, "come on God, with the snap of your fingers you can end this pain."  He can do anything, so why not just answer my prayer already??

Today in church our pastor was talking about who God really is.  He took us back to Exodus where it talks about God "abounding in love and slow to anger."  The pastor went on to read tidbits of when Moses was asked to lead the children of Israel out of Egypt.  God had actually said something along the lines of "I've heard their cries and I want to help."

For those that know the story, God freed them, but it was an INSANE journey to the promise land.  Even if they would have been perfect angels, they still would have had been in bondage for a long time and then would have had to make the dessert trek completing relying on Him.  They still would have been scared, hungry, tired, etc. 

It hit me that God could have "snapped his fingers" and showed them His glory by zapping them into the Promise Land instantly.  Or  the minute they were freed gave them a break by making it a fun mini-vacay to the Promise Land.  But it was a journey, a process.  Then I realized, there is really no story in the Bible where God instantly does something.  Yes, there are miracles that happen fast, but most of the stories involve a journey.  Even Jesus, again, God could have said "my people need a link to me, and snapped" but instead, Jesus had to in a sense suffer 33 years knowing He had to die.

My infertility journey is a process and Jesus has not chosen to just let me get pregnant fast.  I cannot be mad at Him for this because many people before me also have had to go through long-painful waiting periods to reach the "promised land."  At the end of it all, all I can say right now, through my fears, anxiousness, and CRAZY lack of patience for round two is : Jesus, I trust you.


This song called "These Hands" by J.J. Heller has been very very comforting this month.

Peace OUT 2012!

December 29, 2012

For those that often read my blog, I always talk about how horrible/unnatural opposites can feel when they collide.  Fire and ice.  Black and white.  Hope and fear.  Basically 2012 has been just that: Joy and pain.

This year has been amazing and horrible.  Only horrible in the sense that so much revolved around infertility, so much money, tears, emotion, hope, loss, pain, fear, stress, anger, and deep deep sadness.  After 7 IUIS (this year) and a POSITIVE pregnancy test after round 1 of IVF all to end in miscarriage basically brought me to rock bottom.  But this is the beauty of fresh starts, a new year.  So in regards to the rough patches, I say "peace out 2012."

But one can't complain about the ugliness without seeing the beauty.  2012 was also amazing.  Darren got to go to Paris for free (incentive through the program I planned our school Spain trip to) and then we went to Spain, Morocco, and Disneyland together. 

Darren graduated!  This was a 12 year process and he walked!

We paid his entire school as he went (22 K) and managed to knock out a whole bunch of extra student loan debt.  When we got married, he had acquired 127,000 in LOANS!! He had made some bad choices as an 18 year old and took out big time debt over the next several years.  However, we have been doing Dave Ramsey and after 3 years of marriage only owe about 30k.  This is a miracle.  (It also made it easier taking out the IVF loan, we are experts with them ;).  Darren just got a 10,000 raise/promotion so God is definitely providing a way to pay our debts.

We've been able to remodel a bit in the house as well which is always a great feeling, and I ALMOST met my goal of reading the whole Bible in a year (I'm on November 27 in the daily year Bible). 

I'm so grateful for the beautiful life God has given us and for such a caring/supportive husband.  I have to remind myself to dwell on these things instead of the heartache.  To be honest though I am at a weird spot spiritually.  I'm not mad at God at all but I have lost some desire/purpose to pray.  I figure, He will do what He is going to do.  I know it's a bad attitude and the Bible says to knock knock knock knock but my HANDs hurt from knocking.  I don't want to say I'm complacent, but I'm so "hard" from all the loss/negatives that I have to guard myself even though every single day I think about our "snow babies" and February.

We do have 3 more tries with IVF left.  As I said before (stolen from a fellow blogger) I'm praying two things:
1.  God's will.
2. My heart's desire and God's will to finally be the same. 

Kicking a Dead Horse

December 20, 2012

So many sayings out there but tonight I am experiencing the "kicking of a dead horse."

I have been surprisingly well since the D&C 10 days ago.  I didn't even have to take any pain pills after the procedure.  I had one rough day (on Friday I had bad cramps and heavier tissue) but other than that smooth sailing.

I've hardly cried since the procedure and I keep telling myself it's all behind me.  I'm moving forward.

But then tonight happened.  I fed my sister's baby a bottle (he's 9 weeks old) and came home to work on projects.  My chest had been sore for almost the entire pregnancy and it recently stopped hurting.  However, yesterday they were sore again.

A few hours ago, I realized I'm producing milk.  I'm lactating.  If I squeeze my nipples, warm, white milk comes out.  Food for a baby that I will never feed.  A strange and painful reminder of what I thought I had possibly overcame.  A wave as sadness hit.  If this isn't kicking a dead horse, I don't know what is.

However, the other part of it made us laugh.  It's almost funny.  It's nuts.  I was only 8 weeks pregnant but Darren just figured since the baby is out, maybe my body thinks I gave birth?  WEIRD.  I was also happy to know that I CAN nurse down the road.  2 cousins that are blood related don't produce milk and I've always wondered if I will be able to (in comparison to infertility that's like the least of my concerns).  But, at least I know I will. 

So I sit here typing, with wet spots on my shirt letting life give me one more little kick.  What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right?  :)

Graduation, 3:40, and Disneyland

December 18, 2012

This weekend Darren and I flew down to California for his graduation!! Darren has been in and out of school since he was 18 (he's 30) and has had the longest journey ever to getting his degree but he made it.  Watching him walk was so so so cool!

The RE's office called me this weekend and we set up a "phone appointment" with Dr. Patton for "next steps."  The phone call was set for 3:40 pm.  It lasted 7 minutes. 

It was kind of an awkward call.  I get they kind of do this in "mass" production and they work as team (I actually had 4 different RE's do something to me).  He asked how the D&C went and then said I could start again in a month when I get my period to call.  I shot off the questions as quickly as I could.  Here is almost word for word our "brief" conversation.

I don't get periods on my own?  What should I do?
If you don't get a period within 35 days, call me.  I'll put you on provera.

What will the protocol look like?
Most likely birth control for a bit and then a drug called Lupron (hello, I know about Lupron)

I had a blighted ovum.  Is there a chance this can happen with the other frozen embryos?
Blighted ovums are random.  There is no reason to worry all the others are bad.

What is frozen embryo success rate?
25%-45% (HOLY CRAP it seems low)

Should I consider doing 3?
Are you open to selection reduction?
No.
That's up to you.  You might it one doesn't survive the unthawing.

What are chances of frozen embryos not surviving the "unthaw"?
low

Should I consider genetic testing?
At this point no, if you have to do a frozen again, let's talk about it.

Okay, I'll call you when I get a period.
Okay, here we go.

I hung up the phone in a whirl wind.  Then ran to look at the calendar.  I want to start so soon but these things can't be rushed.  I'm thinking realistically we are looking at end of February or early March.  I really don't want to complain but I think the hardest part is the "slow motion" build up waiting and process to get to the Frozen Embryo Transfer.  But, this too shall pass.

Lastly, Disneyland.  It wasn't as magical as I had hoped.  It was super crowded and really rainy.  The kids didn't really get to me except once.  We were on Pirates of the Caribbean and the cutest family sat in front of us.  The couple was probably a couple years older than us and they had a 4 year old and 1 year old daughter.  They were clearly a happy family and they did such a good job of prepping their girls for the "hills" and the pretend pirates.  I couldn't help but look at the sweet girls in between the two of them and recognize that there was no one in between (or inside) us.  It stung, just because fear is rooting a bit deeper in my heart and I'm so scared that there will NEVER be even 1 in between us.
Out of the millions of faces I saw, I only remember theirs.

Overall, it was nice to get out of "reality" for a bit and spend time with Darren.  I am so very grateful I wasn't riding alone on that ride and that he was by my side.  When we got home, he had surprised me and hired someone to redo our bathroom counters/sinks into granite!  It was a fun surprise (I LOVE updating our home). 

Now I'm on Christmas break and time will fly because it's vacation.  That will bring me to January...in the words of my short-winded RE "Here. We. Go."

D&C

December 10, 2012

It's funny because out of the trillion blogs/posts/forums/google searches I've encountered in this infertility journey, I always kind of skipped of the D&C.  I didn't really know what it was, and convinced myself mostly likely wouldn't have to "deal" with whatever it was.

What is a D&C Procedure? D&C, also known as dilation and curettage, is a surgical procedure often performed after a first trimester miscarriage. Dilation means to open up the cervix; curettage means to remove the contents of the uterus. Curettage may be performed by scraping the uterine wall with a curette instrument or by a suction curettage (also called vacuum aspiration), using a vacuum-type instrument.

Then, when I found myself in the unfortunate club of miscarriers, I still thought I wouldn't need it since I was losing the baby so early. 

However, for Darren and I it was the best choice.  I found out a week ago the pregnancy was not viable, and haven't started bleeding at all.  The OBGYN that worked with me today told me that she has a patient that has been waiting THREE MONTHS!!  Insane.  Mentally, I couldn't keep waiting. 

It was a weird feeling last night.  Although I know the pregnancy isn't alive/growing, according to HPT, I'm still pregnant, and the baby is still inside me.  I realized that this could be the closest I ever get to becoming a mother (I know that there is still a lot of hope, but I'm a "realist" as well) and it kind of made me feel sad.  I've been carrying the little embryos for over a month.

The drive to Oregon was long with lots of traffic.  I checked in at 8:30 but they said I don't actually go into surgery till 10:45!  I guess I was spoiled at the RE's office with the surgery being really fast. 

For those of you that follow my blog, waiting is the killer for me.  And today my friends, waiting is just what I did.

They took me back to this weird room with lots of curtains and told me to fully undress.  I can usually get away with them letting me where my own dresses but not today.  The nurse put the IV in me like at 9:00.  It was so strange to have it in so soon. 

Darren and I talked while I laid on the bed.  at 10:03 they asked me if wanted medicine to help me "calm down and relax."  Yes please!  Can  get some to go as well?  She said it would make me feel kinda loopy and I wouldn't remember a thing.  Ya, about that.  Didn't work at all.  I did feel a little less freaked, but I remember everything word for word (this is all prior surgery).

At 10:35 the OBGYN who will do surgery comes back to introduce herself.  She is the nicest lady I've ever met.  She is with another OBGYN.  They ask me a ton of questions about dates/IVF/egg transfer and say "the odds are really really low, but since your last HCG did go up last week, do you want us to do one more blood test just to be sure?"

"just to be sure just to be sure just to be sure."  The words echoed in my head.  "How long will it take to get the results?" I ask.  "1 hour" they reply.  I look at Darren.  He give me the why not shrug.

So 'just to be sure" they took some blood and left me for another hour (at this pt I've been in the pre operation room for over 3 hours).  The nice OBGYN said, I don't want to give you any false hope, but I'm sure D&Cs have happened where the pregnancy was viable. 

My own brain didn't even let one ounce of hope in.  I knew it my heart it was over, but I also knew, hearing the numbers would give me peace of mind I'm making the right choice.

An hour later, the BETA came back at 7,000 something.  If things had been doubling correctly since last week, they should have been FAR into the 30,000+  I wasn't even disappointed.  I wanted to get the surgery done with.

So, they gave me the "relaxation" medicine again and rolled me away to the operation room.  It was so cold!  They put the "sleeping potion" in via the IF and it actually hurt more than I had anticipated.  They said once it starts fading I would fall asleep.  I must have instantly.

About 40 minutes later, when they were rolling me to recovery and I was waking up, I was sobbing.  I don't remember that part but the doctor warned Darren that when he came back I would be crying.  That's really what I remember first, seeing Darren and me sobbing.

I've never in my life been drunk but I heard that alcohol can intensify emotions -good or bad.  I have a feeling all the drugs I was "high" on kind of attacked the sadness I've been trying to bury.  It hit me hard that my womb is now empty and it's over.  I did the hiccup type cry for a few more minutes and then was okay again. 

Here's my "lovely" self right after waking up.  Not a good memory but part of our journey for sure :)

The nurse asked if I wanted crackers.  I took some gram crackers.  She said "when was the last time you had gram crackers" and I said "I love them with frosting.  Do you have some frosting?"

Then I put on my clothes and they rolled me to the car, and now I'm home.

I guess I can take a few positives away from all this:

1.  I now have a crazy empathy for women who experience miscarriage. I get it.

2.  Jaden is no longer in my body.  I made the video.  I have closure.  I don't have to "wait" for the miscarriage to start, it's been removed.  I can now start to move forward in our fight for our children.

Found this on a friend's blog.  Makes me sob:

Goodnight My Angel: Video Tribute to Jaden

December 8, 2012

We decided that  a D&C is the best choice for us.  They get me in Monday. Since I have an end date, I decided that it was time to reflect, grieve, and say goodbye.  This video is 7 minutes.  It's happy and sad.

You will get to see my husband's reaction at 4:00 am when I got my first pregnancy test ever :)

I decided to name the baby Jaden (which means God has heard).  It works for a boy or girl, and I will know who to look for in heaven.  Jaden Benson. 

Thanks again for all the prayers and support.  The anger stage is passing and I'm praying for hope for frozen siblings.

You Tube Link for video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9w1YHqCXD8&feature=youtube_gdata

 

The Anger Stage

December 6th, 2012

I know grieving has 5? steps?  I never really went into denial.  I guess I'm kind of doing that now, trying to tell myself it's just a period, it's just a period.   IVF in February.  A few more months.  You won't see anything, there is nothing to see.

I don't really get angry.  Honestly, I hardly ever feel "anger."  I always joke that at work in a high school sometimes I should be angry so I "act" upset (aka if kids are messing around) but I'm usually more entertained.  However, when I do feel anger, it quickly turns to deep deep sadness. 

I don't want to feel the sadness, it's too ugly.  Uncomfortable. 

I read on a blog or article that some women need MONTHS to try again while others find the best therapy to jump on the baby makin' bandwagon ASAP.  I'm think I'm option 2.

Here is where the Deep Sadness Anger Stage comes in:

I had to schedule an appt with my normal OBGYN yesterday to discuss miscarriage options.  Of course there was a gorgeous glowing 5 month old pregnant women next to me in waiting room.

I went to check in, and went through the regular, "yes address still the same" and "no, no other insurance" and then the secretary got a sweet smile and looked up at me and said in a really happy voice "is this for a pregnancy?"  For some reason, that was the straw that broke the camels back.  Up till then, I had been really strong (aka no crying) yesterday.  I smiled back sadly and said "no miscarriage" and my voice cracked and I felt the tears.  Just not how I imagined it to be dreaming of being a mommy as a little girl.

I think the most shocking thing about this process is actually understanding the horrors of a miscarriage.  Oh sure, we have all heard of them.  They happen.  A lot.  I just always thought "how sad" and assumed it was a heavier period.  I even expected that with myself, before the appt. I had convinced myself that since the sac is so small, it will pass, naturally, easily.  I had been lying to myself.

The dr. came in and said there was still suspicion of an ectopic (growing in ovaries) due to a cyst on the ultrasound (something different then the sac).  She then asked if they could do ANOTHER biopsy (if you remember, I had a colposcopy about 2 months ago) instantly.  She said they would get some tissue from the lining and use it to rule out ectopic.

Before I knew it, there I was again, in the stirrups, getting pieces cut out.  I was alone.  My legs were shaking and I was staring at the ceiling and that was the first and only time so far I heard myself think "why me, it's not fair."  It is fair.  This happens to 1 in 5 women.  I'm not except.  I guess i had just convinced myself that I wouldn't miscarry out of God's grace since it took us 2 years and 9 treatments to get to the positive HPT.

Besides the biopsy, the worst part for me is the decision in how to move forward.  Here are our options:

1.  See if it happens naturally.  This one freaks me out.  A.  Because they don't know when it could happen.  It might be tomorrow, but it could take WEEKS.  I have a friend who went through it naturally and she said she had contractions (she was  few weeks ahead of me but not much).  We are going to Disneyland next weekend and I don't want that.  I don't want to see it.  I don't want to just wait.  I want to move on.  But the hard part is its natural.  Its at home.  I feel like I owe my body some type of break from all the drugs and treatments.

2.  D and C.  This is a surgery where they go in, put you to sleep and clean it all out.  It's done.  You bleed a bit but it ends the misery of waiting.  However, its a freaking surgery.  More anestia, more missed work.  There is a 1% chance I could have some scrapped too hard and seriously damaged.  there is a chance it could weaken my uterus.  Not exactly a good thing for us during this battle.

3.  Take a pill that helps me have it naturally and speeds it up.

I'm really really sad I'm facing these choices.  I hate them all.  I love my baby, but I am ready to get everything out and move on.  Tomorrow we will decide once we get biopsy results.  I've started spotting from stopping the PIO shots, but that doesn't guarantee the miscarriage is on its way.  They said I could bleed for weeks if I go natural.  The thought of holding on to this and the dreaded waiting kills me.

I'm not trying to scare people.  Friends and doctors alike said its a personal choice.  Some find healing in the passing of it natural where others want to be done.  I just didn't picture myself having to make these choices, and that makes me angry, which makes me so sad. 

For those that follow me, they know I'm not a "debbie-downer" I'm really not.  I've been smiling all day at work and I refuse to curse God.  This is just the reality of where I am now.  I will be better once I can close this chapter and move forward. 

Since this is my anger stage post, I just got to say two more rants:

1.  I was once guilty of saying "at least you know you can get pregnant" to a friend that went through a miscarriage and I even said that to myself.  I know my body can implant an embryo, that is good news BUT for some reason, "at least you know you can get pregnant" coming from non-infertiles stings. Why?  Because I don't know if I can ever just go on and get pregnant.  We have 2-3 more shots with IVF.  Its insanely expensive and the most intense thing I can do to get pregnant.  So in a since, (read sarcastically) ya! great!  I know i can get pregnant . I just have to pay 10k each time.  No big deal...

2.  I know that everyone has their story and their feelings.  I used to be frustrated with women that were miserable and suffering from secondary infertility.  I mean, they have a child!!  My prayer is just ONE God. But I realized it was wrong of me to judge those emotions.  However, 2 people (I think had good intentions), with kids of their own, have tried to relate to me by saying "I had a thick period once and I'm sure it was a miscarriage" and they tell me how sad they felt.  We are talking people that never saw a positive hpt and got a period like a day late.  And you are trying to relate to me?  You know how I feel?  Try sobbing during sex because its so stressful.  Try 100 injections.  Try 8 failed IUIS. Overstimulated ovaries.  Surgery.  Biopsy.  1093839 vaginal ultrasounds.  8786 trillon blood draws. A CONFIRMED pregnancy and 7 weeks later losing it and then having to choose how to deal with the "thick period".  I get you felt sad, but come on.

All I know is that this is over.  There is hope for the future.  I want to move on.  I found this quote and I'm so not into "tupac" or the "f-word" but I love it.  It's almost like tough love.  And yes, my dear readers, don't worry.  I know I can be sad for now. I know I can mourn, and I am.  But there comes a point where you just have to let go and move the #$#% on.  Otherwise you get stuck.