I Hate Your Guts Facebook

October 24, 2012

We all have it.  We all know it.  Facebook.  The new way to connect with the outside world. Social media.  Where all my "friend's" are.

Since we have been dealing with infertility, facebook has the power to act as a bullet to the chest and then the power to fill me with guilt.  Allow me to elaborate:

Bragbook Facebook is a fun way to keep in contact with friends.  When I was single, it was just as painful for me to read about how in love so & so was with so & so.  It seemed like EVERYONE was getting engaged.  People shouted out their undying love for one another while I was stuck at home with Frida (my cat) and a broken heart.  It was hard.  It stewed a lot of secret jealousy (I hid it well).

But, when I got engaged, I kind of forgot about all that and I kind of forgot about all the "facebook pain" I had suffered.  And what did I do?  Posted pics of my fat engagement ring.  Posted songs for our wedding.  Declared my undying love for Darren.  While, in the meantime, single girls may have been logged on despising me or even just feeling like "love" was thrown in their face.  I don't think I did anything wrong, but I simply forgotten how people on the other end felt.

So fast forward to almost 3 years since our wedding date.  I'm high on fertility drugs.  Pumped with them.  My ovaries are obese. Although the side effects aren't awful, they still are rough.  When I sit down, my stomach kills because its sore from the 30+ injections it's gotten.  We want a baby so bad, we are paying a huge chunk of our salaries, a huge chunk of our emotions, and risking my body to carry this child.  I cannot express how painful some facebook "pregnancy announcements" cause me.  I feel no hate or anger towards the pregnant moms, I just feel so deeply reminded that I AM NOT pregnant.  And it hurts.

Don't get me wrong, they are innocent and excited.  Can I really be sad about seeing a growing tummy picture that you take of yourself in the mirror show up on my laptop?  No. Can I really be angry when you and your husband announce the bump in a cute/clever way?  No.  That's where I get mad too because I instantly realize I'm hurt/sad/reminded for no valid reason and then feel guilty, when all I really wanted to do was see if anyone commented on my status in the first place ;)

I'm in a vulnerable spot and need to realize that.  I recognize that I'm more sensitive to baby chatter online.  I usually just "hide" someone when I find out they are pregnant, to avoid myself the pain that comes with the reminder of each update that I am not.  The soreness in my stomach is nothing compared to the ache in my heart for my own child. 

I'm not sure what I will do if/when I get pregnant.  It almost seems weird not to announce it via social media once, but this time around, I'm aware of those secret sufferers.  I'll probably just say something like "After 2 years of trying to get pregnant, 8 failed artificial insemination's, 20k, and IVF, Darren and I are expecting our first miracle."  I'm not going to paint a pretty picture.  This has been ugly, and hard, and uphill.  Maybe when I go "public" with our struggles, I can gain a voice for those of us fighting infertility and create awareness.

All of this just because the 7834 billionth announcement just landed on my screen and it hurt.  I felt the pain and hurt and sorrow in my injection sites.  I felt it in my flashbacks to getting blood drawn.  I felt it in the 10th time they go up inside me to monitor eggs.  But, God has a plan for each of us, and my time will come. 


  1. Girl!! Been there! I know I sent you my post when I announced on the blog.
    That's all I did at the time. Facebook was TERRIBLE FOR ME! I dropped off for a good 6-months and it was actually when I did that I got pregnant(and working with a therapist over my grief from the failed IVF).
    I swore I would NEVER be one of those people on FB posting here and there about my pregnancy and I don't think I have, but I have posted pictures of me being pregnant(and not a ton of those side shots).
    Totally understand I just wish more people did.
    I say take a break. It really does wonders!

  2. Facebook is evil on all levels. The end. :)

  3. It is amazing how much Facebook can make your day come crashing down! I agree with you that when I do get pregnant, I will let everyone know that this was not easy! We struggled and I understand the pain others are having. Your doing great during IVF and I'm praying daily for you!

  4. I also dropped facebook for a while after we first visited our RE office. I had a 'friend' that has PCOS as well but magically relaxed and got pregnant. She quickly became a fertility doctor and would give me the worst advice ever and do nothing but complain about her pregnany. She was the one who spent many nights crying to me when other women complained. I will never forget this pain even if I do get pregnant some day. Hang in their lady, your on the downward slide now. It is all in Gods hands now.

  5. Thanks ladies! It's so good to remember I'm not alone!!

  6. This is such a true and honest post, and it hits so close to home for me. Even though we just started this *WHY AM I NOT PREGNANT YET* infertility process (my husband has awful sperm, everything is low and my FSH is elevated), I already feel so much of what you just mentioned. I know I should be happy for those who get what I don't have, but it honestly just feels like a knife to the chest. I feel almost debilitated at times from the happiness of others joy through announcements, baby bump pictures, and baby pictures. It just hurts. I, too, have thought about announcing my pregnancy, especially after it being two years and the feeling of "it will never happen for me". I'm to that point where I just don't feel like its possible. It feels that far away.

    Your blog is definitely giving me hope though. I can't wait to get off work so I can read more.

  7. That sounds a lot of how Walter and I announced our pregnancy. After that I commented a 'secret' Facebook group that you could join if you WANTED to to keep updated in our pregnancy. A lot of my TTC have been divided, some and followed and some have chosen not to. That's their choice and I'm happy to give it to them.
    It's hard being infertile, and honestly love the infertility pain doesn't go away with a pregnancy. It's hard in a different way, but you're so thankful at the same time.
    Praying you'll be able to make your announcement soon, and know what I'm talking about. It's so hard to hurt your fellow TTC-ers. :(


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