No Turning Back Now. CLICK.

October 29, 2012

It's official. Surgery tomorrow.  Again, I'm calling all prayers to pray!  I'm about 18 hours away from having the largest ovulation in my history.  So sexy right? ;)

All my life I have been more of a "worrier" and anxious.  I HATE doctor visits and talked my way out of pap smears (because I was so freaked) till I got married 3 years ago at 26.  Now look at me!  I cannot count on both hands and feet how many times I've gotten "pap smears" so to speak with things up and in. 

I couldn't sleep last night.  I'm not sure if I'm more afraid of the surgery of what can come after.  The positive or negative pregnancy test seems so far off and out of my mind right now.   I know living in fear is no way to live, but I'm being honest.  I'm horrified.  I know many women have, are, and will go through this "mini-hell" in fights of having a baby.  But now that its me, Holly, it's so real.

Funny thought actually.  As humans, we never really "feel" the pain till we go through it.  Out of sight, out of mind.  I mean I know my close friends feel bad for me and are praying for me, but I guarantee they are not thinking about it every single minute like I am.  It's human nature and impossible.  Even when my husband Darren (the one I love the MOST) had a kidney stone, I felt so bad for him, and he was in so much pain.  But I didn't think about it at work.  I didn't dream about it at night like I do with IVF.  The only people who come close to understanding are you warriors who have been through this zone a time or two. 

I read a quote that was along the lines of "Do what you need to do, even if you don't, time will still go on." 

I guess I'm a little scared to that I've reached the point of no return.  I can't say "never mind."  I mean, there are like 25+follicles in me that have been triggered to ovualte.  If I don't go through this, I can't have the hope of frozen embryos for future tries.  I can't turn back.

Anyone ever seen the the movie "Click" with Adam Sandler?  It's based off an old fable of a man who gets a magical ball of yarn and anytime life is hard or tough he just has to pull it and he automatically fasts forward a bit.  He gets to skip a bit.  Adam Sandler's movie has more humor (he clicks a remote instead if his wife is nagging or he has to do chores).  But in the end of both, they lose control and the yarn/remote start working automatically and next thing they know, they are on their death beds.

I realize time goes fast and it goes on.  I have never ever wanted to "click" any part of my life away.  I get that God teaches us lessons in the most painful situations.  However, if someone gave me a magical remote, I would click it, just once, to get to mid November when it's all over and I know the result.  Click.