December 29, 2012
For those that often read my blog, I always talk about how horrible/unnatural opposites can feel when they collide. Fire and ice. Black and white. Hope and fear. Basically 2012 has been just that: Joy and pain.
This year has been amazing and horrible. Only horrible in the sense that so much revolved around infertility, so much money, tears, emotion, hope, loss, pain, fear, stress, anger, and deep deep sadness. After 7 IUIS (this year) and a POSITIVE pregnancy test after round 1 of IVF all to end in miscarriage basically brought me to rock bottom. But this is the beauty of fresh starts, a new year. So in regards to the rough patches, I say "peace out 2012."
But one can't complain about the ugliness without seeing the beauty. 2012 was also amazing. Darren got to go to Paris for free (incentive through the program I planned our school Spain trip to) and then we went to Spain, Morocco, and Disneyland together.
Darren graduated! This was a 12 year process and he walked!
We paid his entire school as he went (22 K) and managed to knock out a whole bunch of extra student loan debt. When we got married, he had acquired 127,000 in LOANS!! He had made some bad choices as an 18 year old and took out big time debt over the next several years. However, we have been doing Dave Ramsey and after 3 years of marriage only owe about 30k. This is a miracle. (It also made it easier taking out the IVF loan, we are experts with them ;). Darren just got a 10,000 raise/promotion so God is definitely providing a way to pay our debts.
We've been able to remodel a bit in the house as well which is always a great feeling, and I ALMOST met my goal of reading the whole Bible in a year (I'm on November 27 in the daily year Bible).
I'm so grateful for the beautiful life God has given us and for such a caring/supportive husband. I have to remind myself to dwell on these things instead of the heartache. To be honest though I am at a weird spot spiritually. I'm not mad at God at all but I have lost some desire/purpose to pray. I figure, He will do what He is going to do. I know it's a bad attitude and the Bible says to knock knock knock knock but my HANDs hurt from knocking. I don't want to say I'm complacent, but I'm so "hard" from all the loss/negatives that I have to guard myself even though every single day I think about our "snow babies" and February.
We do have 3 more tries with IVF left. As I said before (stolen from a fellow blogger) I'm praying two things:
1. God's will.
2. My heart's desire and God's will to finally be the same.
11 failed IUIs, IVF #1- miscarriage, FET #1-nada, IVF #2-triplets but we lost them all at 9, 18, and 21 weeks in 2013. When all hope was lost a friend stepped forward to be our gestational carrier and carried in our twins... 2 years later we decided to try for one more baby with me carrying again...this is our story
Kicking a Dead Horse
December 20, 2012
So many sayings out there but tonight I am experiencing the "kicking of a dead horse."
I have been surprisingly well since the D&C 10 days ago. I didn't even have to take any pain pills after the procedure. I had one rough day (on Friday I had bad cramps and heavier tissue) but other than that smooth sailing.
I've hardly cried since the procedure and I keep telling myself it's all behind me. I'm moving forward.
But then tonight happened. I fed my sister's baby a bottle (he's 9 weeks old) and came home to work on projects. My chest had been sore for almost the entire pregnancy and it recently stopped hurting. However, yesterday they were sore again.
A few hours ago, I realized I'm producing milk. I'm lactating. If I squeeze my nipples, warm, white milk comes out. Food for a baby that I will never feed. A strange and painful reminder of what I thought I had possibly overcame. A wave as sadness hit. If this isn't kicking a dead horse, I don't know what is.
However, the other part of it made us laugh. It's almost funny. It's nuts. I was only 8 weeks pregnant but Darren just figured since the baby is out, maybe my body thinks I gave birth? WEIRD. I was also happy to know that I CAN nurse down the road. 2 cousins that are blood related don't produce milk and I've always wondered if I will be able to (in comparison to infertility that's like the least of my concerns). But, at least I know I will.
So I sit here typing, with wet spots on my shirt letting life give me one more little kick. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right? :)
So many sayings out there but tonight I am experiencing the "kicking of a dead horse."
I have been surprisingly well since the D&C 10 days ago. I didn't even have to take any pain pills after the procedure. I had one rough day (on Friday I had bad cramps and heavier tissue) but other than that smooth sailing.
I've hardly cried since the procedure and I keep telling myself it's all behind me. I'm moving forward.
But then tonight happened. I fed my sister's baby a bottle (he's 9 weeks old) and came home to work on projects. My chest had been sore for almost the entire pregnancy and it recently stopped hurting. However, yesterday they were sore again.
A few hours ago, I realized I'm producing milk. I'm lactating. If I squeeze my nipples, warm, white milk comes out. Food for a baby that I will never feed. A strange and painful reminder of what I thought I had possibly overcame. A wave as sadness hit. If this isn't kicking a dead horse, I don't know what is.
However, the other part of it made us laugh. It's almost funny. It's nuts. I was only 8 weeks pregnant but Darren just figured since the baby is out, maybe my body thinks I gave birth? WEIRD. I was also happy to know that I CAN nurse down the road. 2 cousins that are blood related don't produce milk and I've always wondered if I will be able to (in comparison to infertility that's like the least of my concerns). But, at least I know I will.
So I sit here typing, with wet spots on my shirt letting life give me one more little kick. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right? :)
Graduation, 3:40, and Disneyland
December 18, 2012
This weekend Darren and I flew down to California for his graduation!! Darren has been in and out of school since he was 18 (he's 30) and has had the longest journey ever to getting his degree but he made it. Watching him walk was so so so cool!
The RE's office called me this weekend and we set up a "phone appointment" with Dr. Patton for "next steps." The phone call was set for 3:40 pm. It lasted 7 minutes.
It was kind of an awkward call. I get they kind of do this in "mass" production and they work as team (I actually had 4 different RE's do something to me). He asked how the D&C went and then said I could start again in a month when I get my period to call. I shot off the questions as quickly as I could. Here is almost word for word our "brief" conversation.
I don't get periods on my own? What should I do?
If you don't get a period within 35 days, call me. I'll put you on provera.
What will the protocol look like?
Most likely birth control for a bit and then a drug called Lupron (hello, I know about Lupron)
I had a blighted ovum. Is there a chance this can happen with the other frozen embryos?
Blighted ovums are random. There is no reason to worry all the others are bad.
What is frozen embryo success rate?
25%-45% (HOLY CRAP it seems low)
Should I consider doing 3?
Are you open to selection reduction?
No.
That's up to you. You might it one doesn't survive the unthawing.
What are chances of frozen embryos not surviving the "unthaw"?
low
Should I consider genetic testing?
At this point no, if you have to do a frozen again, let's talk about it.
Okay, I'll call you when I get a period.
Okay, here we go.
I hung up the phone in a whirl wind. Then ran to look at the calendar. I want to start so soon but these things can't be rushed. I'm thinking realistically we are looking at end of February or early March. I really don't want to complain but I think the hardest part is the "slow motion" build up waiting and process to get to the Frozen Embryo Transfer. But, this too shall pass.
Lastly, Disneyland. It wasn't as magical as I had hoped. It was super crowded and really rainy. The kids didn't really get to me except once. We were on Pirates of the Caribbean and the cutest family sat in front of us. The couple was probably a couple years older than us and they had a 4 year old and 1 year old daughter. They were clearly a happy family and they did such a good job of prepping their girls for the "hills" and the pretend pirates. I couldn't help but look at the sweet girls in between the two of them and recognize that there was no one in between (or inside) us. It stung, just because fear is rooting a bit deeper in my heart and I'm so scared that there will NEVER be even 1 in between us.
Out of the millions of faces I saw, I only remember theirs.
Overall, it was nice to get out of "reality" for a bit and spend time with Darren. I am so very grateful I wasn't riding alone on that ride and that he was by my side. When we got home, he had surprised me and hired someone to redo our bathroom counters/sinks into granite! It was a fun surprise (I LOVE updating our home).
Now I'm on Christmas break and time will fly because it's vacation. That will bring me to January...in the words of my short-winded RE "Here. We. Go."
This weekend Darren and I flew down to California for his graduation!! Darren has been in and out of school since he was 18 (he's 30) and has had the longest journey ever to getting his degree but he made it. Watching him walk was so so so cool!
The RE's office called me this weekend and we set up a "phone appointment" with Dr. Patton for "next steps." The phone call was set for 3:40 pm. It lasted 7 minutes.
It was kind of an awkward call. I get they kind of do this in "mass" production and they work as team (I actually had 4 different RE's do something to me). He asked how the D&C went and then said I could start again in a month when I get my period to call. I shot off the questions as quickly as I could. Here is almost word for word our "brief" conversation.
I don't get periods on my own? What should I do?
If you don't get a period within 35 days, call me. I'll put you on provera.
What will the protocol look like?
Most likely birth control for a bit and then a drug called Lupron (hello, I know about Lupron)
I had a blighted ovum. Is there a chance this can happen with the other frozen embryos?
Blighted ovums are random. There is no reason to worry all the others are bad.
What is frozen embryo success rate?
25%-45% (HOLY CRAP it seems low)
Should I consider doing 3?
Are you open to selection reduction?
No.
That's up to you. You might it one doesn't survive the unthawing.
What are chances of frozen embryos not surviving the "unthaw"?
low
Should I consider genetic testing?
At this point no, if you have to do a frozen again, let's talk about it.
Okay, I'll call you when I get a period.
Okay, here we go.
I hung up the phone in a whirl wind. Then ran to look at the calendar. I want to start so soon but these things can't be rushed. I'm thinking realistically we are looking at end of February or early March. I really don't want to complain but I think the hardest part is the "slow motion" build up waiting and process to get to the Frozen Embryo Transfer. But, this too shall pass.
Lastly, Disneyland. It wasn't as magical as I had hoped. It was super crowded and really rainy. The kids didn't really get to me except once. We were on Pirates of the Caribbean and the cutest family sat in front of us. The couple was probably a couple years older than us and they had a 4 year old and 1 year old daughter. They were clearly a happy family and they did such a good job of prepping their girls for the "hills" and the pretend pirates. I couldn't help but look at the sweet girls in between the two of them and recognize that there was no one in between (or inside) us. It stung, just because fear is rooting a bit deeper in my heart and I'm so scared that there will NEVER be even 1 in between us.
Out of the millions of faces I saw, I only remember theirs.
Overall, it was nice to get out of "reality" for a bit and spend time with Darren. I am so very grateful I wasn't riding alone on that ride and that he was by my side. When we got home, he had surprised me and hired someone to redo our bathroom counters/sinks into granite! It was a fun surprise (I LOVE updating our home).
Now I'm on Christmas break and time will fly because it's vacation. That will bring me to January...in the words of my short-winded RE "Here. We. Go."
D&C
December 10, 2012
It's funny because out of the trillion blogs/posts/forums/google searches I've encountered in this infertility journey, I always kind of skipped of the D&C. I didn't really know what it was, and convinced myself mostly likely wouldn't have to "deal" with whatever it was.
Then, when I found myself in the unfortunate club of miscarriers, I still thought I wouldn't need it since I was losing the baby so early.
However, for Darren and I it was the best choice. I found out a week ago the pregnancy was not viable, and haven't started bleeding at all. The OBGYN that worked with me today told me that she has a patient that has been waiting THREE MONTHS!! Insane. Mentally, I couldn't keep waiting.
It was a weird feeling last night. Although I know the pregnancy isn't alive/growing, according to HPT, I'm still pregnant, and the baby is still inside me. I realized that this could be the closest I ever get to becoming a mother (I know that there is still a lot of hope, but I'm a "realist" as well) and it kind of made me feel sad. I've been carrying the little embryos for over a month.
The drive to Oregon was long with lots of traffic. I checked in at 8:30 but they said I don't actually go into surgery till 10:45! I guess I was spoiled at the RE's office with the surgery being really fast.
For those of you that follow my blog, waiting is the killer for me. And today my friends, waiting is just what I did.
They took me back to this weird room with lots of curtains and told me to fully undress. I can usually get away with them letting me where my own dresses but not today. The nurse put the IV in me like at 9:00. It was so strange to have it in so soon.
Darren and I talked while I laid on the bed. at 10:03 they asked me if wanted medicine to help me "calm down and relax." Yes please! Can get some to go as well? She said it would make me feel kinda loopy and I wouldn't remember a thing. Ya, about that. Didn't work at all. I did feel a little less freaked, but I remember everything word for word (this is all prior surgery).
At 10:35 the OBGYN who will do surgery comes back to introduce herself. She is the nicest lady I've ever met. She is with another OBGYN. They ask me a ton of questions about dates/IVF/egg transfer and say "the odds are really really low, but since your last HCG did go up last week, do you want us to do one more blood test just to be sure?"
"just to be sure just to be sure just to be sure." The words echoed in my head. "How long will it take to get the results?" I ask. "1 hour" they reply. I look at Darren. He give me the why not shrug.
So 'just to be sure" they took some blood and left me for another hour (at this pt I've been in the pre operation room for over 3 hours). The nice OBGYN said, I don't want to give you any false hope, but I'm sure D&Cs have happened where the pregnancy was viable.
My own brain didn't even let one ounce of hope in. I knew it my heart it was over, but I also knew, hearing the numbers would give me peace of mind I'm making the right choice.
An hour later, the BETA came back at 7,000 something. If things had been doubling correctly since last week, they should have been FAR into the 30,000+ I wasn't even disappointed. I wanted to get the surgery done with.
So, they gave me the "relaxation" medicine again and rolled me away to the operation room. It was so cold! They put the "sleeping potion" in via the IF and it actually hurt more than I had anticipated. They said once it starts fading I would fall asleep. I must have instantly.
About 40 minutes later, when they were rolling me to recovery and I was waking up, I was sobbing. I don't remember that part but the doctor warned Darren that when he came back I would be crying. That's really what I remember first, seeing Darren and me sobbing.
I've never in my life been drunk but I heard that alcohol can intensify emotions -good or bad. I have a feeling all the drugs I was "high" on kind of attacked the sadness I've been trying to bury. It hit me hard that my womb is now empty and it's over. I did the hiccup type cry for a few more minutes and then was okay again.
The nurse asked if I wanted crackers. I took some gram crackers. She said "when was the last time you had gram crackers" and I said "I love them with frosting. Do you have some frosting?"
Then I put on my clothes and they rolled me to the car, and now I'm home.
I guess I can take a few positives away from all this:
1. I now have a crazy empathy for women who experience miscarriage. I get it.
2. Jaden is no longer in my body. I made the video. I have closure. I don't have to "wait" for the miscarriage to start, it's been removed. I can now start to move forward in our fight for our children.
Found this on a friend's blog. Makes me sob:
It's funny because out of the trillion blogs/posts/forums/google searches I've encountered in this infertility journey, I always kind of skipped of the D&C. I didn't really know what it was, and convinced myself mostly likely wouldn't have to "deal" with whatever it was.
What is a D&C Procedure? D&C, also known as dilation and curettage, is a surgical procedure often performed after a first trimester miscarriage. Dilation means to open up the cervix; curettage means to remove the contents of the uterus. Curettage may be performed by scraping the uterine wall with a curette instrument or by a suction curettage (also called vacuum aspiration), using a vacuum-type instrument.
Then, when I found myself in the unfortunate club of miscarriers, I still thought I wouldn't need it since I was losing the baby so early.
However, for Darren and I it was the best choice. I found out a week ago the pregnancy was not viable, and haven't started bleeding at all. The OBGYN that worked with me today told me that she has a patient that has been waiting THREE MONTHS!! Insane. Mentally, I couldn't keep waiting.
It was a weird feeling last night. Although I know the pregnancy isn't alive/growing, according to HPT, I'm still pregnant, and the baby is still inside me. I realized that this could be the closest I ever get to becoming a mother (I know that there is still a lot of hope, but I'm a "realist" as well) and it kind of made me feel sad. I've been carrying the little embryos for over a month.
The drive to Oregon was long with lots of traffic. I checked in at 8:30 but they said I don't actually go into surgery till 10:45! I guess I was spoiled at the RE's office with the surgery being really fast.
For those of you that follow my blog, waiting is the killer for me. And today my friends, waiting is just what I did.
They took me back to this weird room with lots of curtains and told me to fully undress. I can usually get away with them letting me where my own dresses but not today. The nurse put the IV in me like at 9:00. It was so strange to have it in so soon.
Darren and I talked while I laid on the bed. at 10:03 they asked me if wanted medicine to help me "calm down and relax." Yes please! Can get some to go as well? She said it would make me feel kinda loopy and I wouldn't remember a thing. Ya, about that. Didn't work at all. I did feel a little less freaked, but I remember everything word for word (this is all prior surgery).
At 10:35 the OBGYN who will do surgery comes back to introduce herself. She is the nicest lady I've ever met. She is with another OBGYN. They ask me a ton of questions about dates/IVF/egg transfer and say "the odds are really really low, but since your last HCG did go up last week, do you want us to do one more blood test just to be sure?"
"just to be sure just to be sure just to be sure." The words echoed in my head. "How long will it take to get the results?" I ask. "1 hour" they reply. I look at Darren. He give me the why not shrug.
So 'just to be sure" they took some blood and left me for another hour (at this pt I've been in the pre operation room for over 3 hours). The nice OBGYN said, I don't want to give you any false hope, but I'm sure D&Cs have happened where the pregnancy was viable.
My own brain didn't even let one ounce of hope in. I knew it my heart it was over, but I also knew, hearing the numbers would give me peace of mind I'm making the right choice.
An hour later, the BETA came back at 7,000 something. If things had been doubling correctly since last week, they should have been FAR into the 30,000+ I wasn't even disappointed. I wanted to get the surgery done with.
So, they gave me the "relaxation" medicine again and rolled me away to the operation room. It was so cold! They put the "sleeping potion" in via the IF and it actually hurt more than I had anticipated. They said once it starts fading I would fall asleep. I must have instantly.
About 40 minutes later, when they were rolling me to recovery and I was waking up, I was sobbing. I don't remember that part but the doctor warned Darren that when he came back I would be crying. That's really what I remember first, seeing Darren and me sobbing.
I've never in my life been drunk but I heard that alcohol can intensify emotions -good or bad. I have a feeling all the drugs I was "high" on kind of attacked the sadness I've been trying to bury. It hit me hard that my womb is now empty and it's over. I did the hiccup type cry for a few more minutes and then was okay again.
Here's my "lovely" self right after waking up. Not a good memory but part of our journey for sure :)
The nurse asked if I wanted crackers. I took some gram crackers. She said "when was the last time you had gram crackers" and I said "I love them with frosting. Do you have some frosting?"
Then I put on my clothes and they rolled me to the car, and now I'm home.
I guess I can take a few positives away from all this:
1. I now have a crazy empathy for women who experience miscarriage. I get it.
2. Jaden is no longer in my body. I made the video. I have closure. I don't have to "wait" for the miscarriage to start, it's been removed. I can now start to move forward in our fight for our children.
Found this on a friend's blog. Makes me sob:
Goodnight My Angel: Video Tribute to Jaden
December 8, 2012
We decided that a D&C is the best choice for us. They get me in Monday. Since I have an end date, I decided that it was time to reflect, grieve, and say goodbye. This video is 7 minutes. It's happy and sad.
You will get to see my husband's reaction at 4:00 am when I got my first pregnancy test ever :)
I decided to name the baby Jaden (which means God has heard). It works for a boy or girl, and I will know who to look for in heaven. Jaden Benson.
Thanks again for all the prayers and support. The anger stage is passing and I'm praying for hope for frozen siblings.
You Tube Link for video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9w1YHqCXD8&feature=youtube_gdata
We decided that a D&C is the best choice for us. They get me in Monday. Since I have an end date, I decided that it was time to reflect, grieve, and say goodbye. This video is 7 minutes. It's happy and sad.
You will get to see my husband's reaction at 4:00 am when I got my first pregnancy test ever :)
I decided to name the baby Jaden (which means God has heard). It works for a boy or girl, and I will know who to look for in heaven. Jaden Benson.
Thanks again for all the prayers and support. The anger stage is passing and I'm praying for hope for frozen siblings.
You Tube Link for video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9w1YHqCXD8&feature=youtube_gdata
The Anger Stage
December 6th, 2012
I know grieving has 5? steps? I never really went into denial. I guess I'm kind of doing that now, trying to tell myself it's just a period, it's just a period. IVF in February. A few more months. You won't see anything, there is nothing to see.
I don't really get angry. Honestly, I hardly ever feel "anger." I always joke that at work in a high school sometimes I should be angry so I "act" upset (aka if kids are messing around) but I'm usually more entertained. However, when I do feel anger, it quickly turns to deep deep sadness.
I don't want to feel the sadness, it's too ugly. Uncomfortable.
I read on a blog or article that some women need MONTHS to try again while others find the best therapy to jump on the baby makin' bandwagon ASAP. I'm think I'm option 2.
Here is where theDeep Sadness Anger Stage comes in:
I had to schedule an appt with my normal OBGYN yesterday to discuss miscarriage options. Of course there was a gorgeous glowing 5 month old pregnant women next to me in waiting room.
I went to check in, and went through the regular, "yes address still the same" and "no, no other insurance" and then the secretary got a sweet smile and looked up at me and said in a really happy voice "is this for a pregnancy?" For some reason, that was the straw that broke the camels back. Up till then, I had been really strong (aka no crying) yesterday. I smiled back sadly and said "no miscarriage" and my voice cracked and I felt the tears. Just not how I imagined it to be dreaming of being a mommy as a little girl.
I think the most shocking thing about this process is actually understanding the horrors of a miscarriage. Oh sure, we have all heard of them. They happen. A lot. I just always thought "how sad" and assumed it was a heavier period. I even expected that with myself, before the appt. I had convinced myself that since the sac is so small, it will pass, naturally, easily. I had been lying to myself.
The dr. came in and said there was still suspicion of an ectopic (growing in ovaries) due to a cyst on the ultrasound (something different then the sac). She then asked if they could do ANOTHER biopsy (if you remember, I had a colposcopy about 2 months ago) instantly. She said they would get some tissue from the lining and use it to rule out ectopic.
Before I knew it, there I was again, in the stirrups, getting pieces cut out. I was alone. My legs were shaking and I was staring at the ceiling and that was the first and only time so far I heard myself think "why me, it's not fair." It is fair. This happens to 1 in 5 women. I'm not except. I guess i had just convinced myself that I wouldn't miscarry out of God's grace since it took us 2 years and 9 treatments to get to the positive HPT.
Besides the biopsy, the worst part for me is the decision in how to move forward. Here are our options:
1. See if it happens naturally. This one freaks me out. A. Because they don't know when it could happen. It might be tomorrow, but it could take WEEKS. I have a friend who went through it naturally and she said she had contractions (she was few weeks ahead of me but not much). We are going to Disneyland next weekend and I don't want that. I don't want to see it. I don't want to just wait. I want to move on. But the hard part is its natural. Its at home. I feel like I owe my body some type of break from all the drugs and treatments.
2. D and C. This is a surgery where they go in, put you to sleep and clean it all out. It's done. You bleed a bit but it ends the misery of waiting. However, its a freaking surgery. More anestia, more missed work. There is a 1% chance I could have some scrapped too hard and seriously damaged. there is a chance it could weaken my uterus. Not exactly a good thing for us during this battle.
3. Take a pill that helps me have it naturally and speeds it up.
I'm really really sad I'm facing these choices. I hate them all. I love my baby, but I am ready to get everything out and move on. Tomorrow we will decide once we get biopsy results. I've started spotting from stopping the PIO shots, but that doesn't guarantee the miscarriage is on its way. They said I could bleed for weeks if I go natural. The thought of holding on to this and the dreaded waiting kills me.
I'm not trying to scare people. Friends and doctors alike said its a personal choice. Some find healing in the passing of it natural where others want to be done. I just didn't picture myself having to make these choices, and that makes me angry, which makes me so sad.
For those that follow me, they know I'm not a "debbie-downer" I'm really not. I've been smiling all day at work and I refuse to curse God. This is just the reality of where I am now. I will be better once I can close this chapter and move forward.
Since this is my anger stage post, I just got to say two more rants:
1. I was once guilty of saying "at least you know you can get pregnant" to a friend that went through a miscarriage and I even said that to myself. I know my body can implant an embryo, that is good news BUT for some reason, "at least you know you can get pregnant" coming from non-infertiles stings. Why? Because I don't know if I can ever just go on and get pregnant. We have 2-3 more shots with IVF. Its insanely expensive and the most intense thing I can do to get pregnant. So in a since, (read sarcastically) ya! great! I know i can get pregnant . I just have to pay 10k each time. No big deal...
2. I know that everyone has their story and their feelings. I used to be frustrated with women that were miserable and suffering from secondary infertility. I mean, they have a child!! My prayer is just ONE God. But I realized it was wrong of me to judge those emotions. However, 2 people (I think had good intentions), with kids of their own, have tried to relate to me by saying "I had a thick period once and I'm sure it was a miscarriage" and they tell me how sad they felt. We are talking people that never saw a positive hpt and got a period like a day late. And you are trying to relate to me? You know how I feel? Try sobbing during sex because its so stressful. Try 100 injections. Try 8 failed IUIS. Overstimulated ovaries. Surgery. Biopsy. 1093839 vaginal ultrasounds. 8786 trillon blood draws. A CONFIRMED pregnancy and 7 weeks later losing it and then having to choose how to deal with the "thick period". I get you felt sad, but come on.
All I know is that this is over. There is hope for the future. I want to move on. I found this quote and I'm so not into "tupac" or the "f-word" but I love it. It's almost like tough love. And yes, my dear readers, don't worry. I know I can be sad for now. I know I can mourn, and I am. But there comes a point where you just have to let go and move the #$#% on. Otherwise you get stuck.
I know grieving has 5? steps? I never really went into denial. I guess I'm kind of doing that now, trying to tell myself it's just a period, it's just a period. IVF in February. A few more months. You won't see anything, there is nothing to see.
I don't really get angry. Honestly, I hardly ever feel "anger." I always joke that at work in a high school sometimes I should be angry so I "act" upset (aka if kids are messing around) but I'm usually more entertained. However, when I do feel anger, it quickly turns to deep deep sadness.
I don't want to feel the sadness, it's too ugly. Uncomfortable.
I read on a blog or article that some women need MONTHS to try again while others find the best therapy to jump on the baby makin' bandwagon ASAP. I'm think I'm option 2.
Here is where the
I had to schedule an appt with my normal OBGYN yesterday to discuss miscarriage options. Of course there was a gorgeous glowing 5 month old pregnant women next to me in waiting room.
I went to check in, and went through the regular, "yes address still the same" and "no, no other insurance" and then the secretary got a sweet smile and looked up at me and said in a really happy voice "is this for a pregnancy?" For some reason, that was the straw that broke the camels back. Up till then, I had been really strong (aka no crying) yesterday. I smiled back sadly and said "no miscarriage" and my voice cracked and I felt the tears. Just not how I imagined it to be dreaming of being a mommy as a little girl.
I think the most shocking thing about this process is actually understanding the horrors of a miscarriage. Oh sure, we have all heard of them. They happen. A lot. I just always thought "how sad" and assumed it was a heavier period. I even expected that with myself, before the appt. I had convinced myself that since the sac is so small, it will pass, naturally, easily. I had been lying to myself.
The dr. came in and said there was still suspicion of an ectopic (growing in ovaries) due to a cyst on the ultrasound (something different then the sac). She then asked if they could do ANOTHER biopsy (if you remember, I had a colposcopy about 2 months ago) instantly. She said they would get some tissue from the lining and use it to rule out ectopic.
Before I knew it, there I was again, in the stirrups, getting pieces cut out. I was alone. My legs were shaking and I was staring at the ceiling and that was the first and only time so far I heard myself think "why me, it's not fair." It is fair. This happens to 1 in 5 women. I'm not except. I guess i had just convinced myself that I wouldn't miscarry out of God's grace since it took us 2 years and 9 treatments to get to the positive HPT.
Besides the biopsy, the worst part for me is the decision in how to move forward. Here are our options:
1. See if it happens naturally. This one freaks me out. A. Because they don't know when it could happen. It might be tomorrow, but it could take WEEKS. I have a friend who went through it naturally and she said she had contractions (she was few weeks ahead of me but not much). We are going to Disneyland next weekend and I don't want that. I don't want to see it. I don't want to just wait. I want to move on. But the hard part is its natural. Its at home. I feel like I owe my body some type of break from all the drugs and treatments.
2. D and C. This is a surgery where they go in, put you to sleep and clean it all out. It's done. You bleed a bit but it ends the misery of waiting. However, its a freaking surgery. More anestia, more missed work. There is a 1% chance I could have some scrapped too hard and seriously damaged. there is a chance it could weaken my uterus. Not exactly a good thing for us during this battle.
3. Take a pill that helps me have it naturally and speeds it up.
I'm really really sad I'm facing these choices. I hate them all. I love my baby, but I am ready to get everything out and move on. Tomorrow we will decide once we get biopsy results. I've started spotting from stopping the PIO shots, but that doesn't guarantee the miscarriage is on its way. They said I could bleed for weeks if I go natural. The thought of holding on to this and the dreaded waiting kills me.
I'm not trying to scare people. Friends and doctors alike said its a personal choice. Some find healing in the passing of it natural where others want to be done. I just didn't picture myself having to make these choices, and that makes me angry, which makes me so sad.
For those that follow me, they know I'm not a "debbie-downer" I'm really not. I've been smiling all day at work and I refuse to curse God. This is just the reality of where I am now. I will be better once I can close this chapter and move forward.
Since this is my anger stage post, I just got to say two more rants:
1. I was once guilty of saying "at least you know you can get pregnant" to a friend that went through a miscarriage and I even said that to myself. I know my body can implant an embryo, that is good news BUT for some reason, "at least you know you can get pregnant" coming from non-infertiles stings. Why? Because I don't know if I can ever just go on and get pregnant. We have 2-3 more shots with IVF. Its insanely expensive and the most intense thing I can do to get pregnant. So in a since, (read sarcastically) ya! great! I know i can get pregnant . I just have to pay 10k each time. No big deal...
2. I know that everyone has their story and their feelings. I used to be frustrated with women that were miserable and suffering from secondary infertility. I mean, they have a child!! My prayer is just ONE God. But I realized it was wrong of me to judge those emotions. However, 2 people (I think had good intentions), with kids of their own, have tried to relate to me by saying "I had a thick period once and I'm sure it was a miscarriage" and they tell me how sad they felt. We are talking people that never saw a positive hpt and got a period like a day late. And you are trying to relate to me? You know how I feel? Try sobbing during sex because its so stressful. Try 100 injections. Try 8 failed IUIS. Overstimulated ovaries. Surgery. Biopsy. 1093839 vaginal ultrasounds. 8786 trillon blood draws. A CONFIRMED pregnancy and 7 weeks later losing it and then having to choose how to deal with the "thick period". I get you felt sad, but come on.
All I know is that this is over. There is hope for the future. I want to move on. I found this quote and I'm so not into "tupac" or the "f-word" but I love it. It's almost like tough love. And yes, my dear readers, don't worry. I know I can be sad for now. I know I can mourn, and I am. But there comes a point where you just have to let go and move the #$#% on. Otherwise you get stuck.
Too Little, Too Late
December 4, 2012
Today God answered our prayers, it was just with a "not right now."
The line between hope and miscarriage has been so thin, so intense, so scary. It's caused me to cry, lose my breath, laugh, pray, hope, doubt, fear, trust, shake.
I'm 6 weeks, 6 days today. And there was nothing but 1 empty sac on the ultrasound window. The sac was too little, the hcg numbers went up too late.
First off, I thank God that I was somewhat prepared for this. I knew it would have to be a miracle but I also knew that things were not looking promising. I can't imagine walking in all happy and joyful and then seeing the empty sac. However, that doesn't erase the crazy sting of the words "that's were the baby should be." and "I'm so sorry."
Second, yesterday in my devotions I came across:
"Rather than trying to take control of your life, abandon yourself to My will. Though this may feel frightening-or ever dangerous, the safest place to be is My will."
I am a Christian so I don't have much choice to trust His plans. I don't think it's God's will for miscarriage, but we will in a fallen world. He knew it would happen and He knows the master plan. I have to rest that He is in control.
Third, I'm actually hoping it's a blighted ovum or chemical (though they don't think it's chemical since the numbers grew). I don't want to see the baby when I get my period. I cannot bear that thought.
My heart is really heavy. I have been pregnant for awhile, for the first time. I think the deepest fear is never becoming pregnant. I mourn the loss of these babies, but I also fear that the next try and the next will result in this type of pain. Amazing how IVF can produce some extreme emotions of joy and sorrow and amazing how in one shot, I've tasted both sides of it.
I'm trying to be strong, trying to look ahead. Four frozen embryos, future, hope. But I will also have to deal with the loss I am currently suffering. I hated telling my husband. That look of dissapoint is heartbreaking.
We serve a God who GIVES and TAKES away. Thank you so much to all of those who have held us in prayer. We will hopefully be going after our little frozen babies in the early new year.
Today God answered our prayers, it was just with a "not right now."
The line between hope and miscarriage has been so thin, so intense, so scary. It's caused me to cry, lose my breath, laugh, pray, hope, doubt, fear, trust, shake.
I'm 6 weeks, 6 days today. And there was nothing but 1 empty sac on the ultrasound window. The sac was too little, the hcg numbers went up too late.
There is this song by Pink called "Try" and the lyrics have been stuck in my head:
Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
It is so true. When there is desire, there is flame, and the risk of being burned is high. I feel like we got burned. It hurts, it stings. But it heals. I like the reminder that "it doesn't mean youre going to die." Sometimes when life is kicking me and I'm feeling depressed (aka now), I need to remind myself I'm not going to die.
First off, I thank God that I was somewhat prepared for this. I knew it would have to be a miracle but I also knew that things were not looking promising. I can't imagine walking in all happy and joyful and then seeing the empty sac. However, that doesn't erase the crazy sting of the words "that's were the baby should be." and "I'm so sorry."
Second, yesterday in my devotions I came across:
"Rather than trying to take control of your life, abandon yourself to My will. Though this may feel frightening-or ever dangerous, the safest place to be is My will."
I am a Christian so I don't have much choice to trust His plans. I don't think it's God's will for miscarriage, but we will in a fallen world. He knew it would happen and He knows the master plan. I have to rest that He is in control.
Third, I'm actually hoping it's a blighted ovum or chemical (though they don't think it's chemical since the numbers grew). I don't want to see the baby when I get my period. I cannot bear that thought.My heart is really heavy. I have been pregnant for awhile, for the first time. I think the deepest fear is never becoming pregnant. I mourn the loss of these babies, but I also fear that the next try and the next will result in this type of pain. Amazing how IVF can produce some extreme emotions of joy and sorrow and amazing how in one shot, I've tasted both sides of it.
I'm trying to be strong, trying to look ahead. Four frozen embryos, future, hope. But I will also have to deal with the loss I am currently suffering. I hated telling my husband. That look of dissapoint is heartbreaking.
We serve a God who GIVES and TAKES away. Thank you so much to all of those who have held us in prayer. We will hopefully be going after our little frozen babies in the early new year.
Love/Hate Relationship With Hope
November 29, 2012
Yesterday I went back to Kaiser EXACTLY 48 hours after my BETA on Monday at 881. I was praying that
A. If it's not in God's will that this ride ends and my numbers drop so I can mourn and move on.
B. A miracle and numbers double.
I cannot begin to explain the anxiety I've had since the day the little babies were put in me. First, when should I do a HPT? Second, what is my blood level? Third, did my HCG blood level double??
When it didn't, that when the craziness began. It went from 100 to 104 (48 hours) to 134 (72 hours). As mentioned, I cried and said "goodbye" and even told the secretaries at my work that I was having an early miscarriage.
But then I get the news to wait a full week. I spotted once and the RE said to stop the PIO shots. I didn't just in case. Monday my numbers were 881. Yesterday they had gone up to 2020!!! More than doubled!! I was so sick waiting on the phone with Kaiser to hear my results (I was on hold for 20 minutes). My heart beat fast, I had the worst headache ever.
When I finally heard the results I temporally was released from the level of stress. My own OBGYN (who is now monitoring me) said "this looks great!" the RE said "still low but lets do an ultrasound in another week". I go in Tuesday.
I realize how much I love and hate hope at the same time. I love it because it means there is a chance. It means miracles can still occur. It means I might go on to have a healthy pregnancy.
But I hate it too. The minute I think "I might go on to have a healthy pregnancy" I realize, the hope is making me more vulnerable. That if this fails, because I've started to allow hope in, it will hurt worse than before.
The Bible says HOPE does not disappoint us. I know HE will give me strength no matter what, but He has also brought me this far and been responding to prayers. I'm guarded, but I so so so HOPE that I see that little beat next week.
Thank you for the prayers. I would love to personally experience this miracle!
Yesterday I went back to Kaiser EXACTLY 48 hours after my BETA on Monday at 881. I was praying that
A. If it's not in God's will that this ride ends and my numbers drop so I can mourn and move on.
B. A miracle and numbers double.
I cannot begin to explain the anxiety I've had since the day the little babies were put in me. First, when should I do a HPT? Second, what is my blood level? Third, did my HCG blood level double??
When it didn't, that when the craziness began. It went from 100 to 104 (48 hours) to 134 (72 hours). As mentioned, I cried and said "goodbye" and even told the secretaries at my work that I was having an early miscarriage.
But then I get the news to wait a full week. I spotted once and the RE said to stop the PIO shots. I didn't just in case. Monday my numbers were 881. Yesterday they had gone up to 2020!!! More than doubled!! I was so sick waiting on the phone with Kaiser to hear my results (I was on hold for 20 minutes). My heart beat fast, I had the worst headache ever.
When I finally heard the results I temporally was released from the level of stress. My own OBGYN (who is now monitoring me) said "this looks great!" the RE said "still low but lets do an ultrasound in another week". I go in Tuesday.
I realize how much I love and hate hope at the same time. I love it because it means there is a chance. It means miracles can still occur. It means I might go on to have a healthy pregnancy.
But I hate it too. The minute I think "I might go on to have a healthy pregnancy" I realize, the hope is making me more vulnerable. That if this fails, because I've started to allow hope in, it will hurt worse than before.
The Bible says HOPE does not disappoint us. I know HE will give me strength no matter what, but He has also brought me this far and been responding to prayers. I'm guarded, but I so so so HOPE that I see that little beat next week.
Thank you for the prayers. I would love to personally experience this miracle!
The Waiting Room
November 26, 2012
What a crazy string of emotions it's been since last Monday. Last Monday, as mentioned, my HCG levels went up (from 104 to 134 in 3 days) and the RE said, "Let's give it a week and to get an ultrasound next Monday (today) to check in."
To cope, I've allowed myself to "mourn" my babies. Although still inside me, I know things look very very dark. I believe in a God of miracles but I also believe in a God that does His plans over mine.
I have always thought it was "weird" to name babies before they are born, but I've done it.
I have always thought it was "weird" to want to have a funeral or memorial service for early miscarriage. I've planned one.
I have always thought it "strange" how some people can be so deeply saddened by the loss of babies that didn't even have a heartbeat yet. I've sobbed, I pleaded in prayer, I have felt like I've tasted death.
Infertility redefines us at the core.
Today I went to Kaiser (my insurance doesn't cover IVF stuff) to get the ultrasound. It was just a lab tech. I got my blood work done at Kaiser as well. I was in the waiting room forever. Then waiting in the ultrasound room forever also. I thought "the waiting room" would be the perfect name for an IF blog.
They put my OBGYN on the phone. She actually seemed hopeful. She said my numbers are not great but she has seen them develop into normal pregnancies. The lab tech couldn't detect much but they THOUGHT they MIGHT have seen something in the uterus but too early to detect.
It's been a week but my levels went up to 891. They are increasing. She said this is good although still a "little low." The RE called and said I'm in the grey area, they are not sure what to make. They don't think it's chemical because that usually dies off fast...
So many people have recommended Te book "A Jesus Calling" to me and I finally got it. Here is the first one I read a few days ago when I was at a low point:
I was sure today would be the day I could let go, mourn, cry, sob, and then try to move on. But the only answer I got was repeat blood test Wednesday. God could be doing a miracle. Or He could be putting me through trials to refine me...but for now, I'm stuck in the "waiting room."
Thank you so much for the continued prayers. Lord, hear us knock, do a miracle, and save the lives of my babies.
What a crazy string of emotions it's been since last Monday. Last Monday, as mentioned, my HCG levels went up (from 104 to 134 in 3 days) and the RE said, "Let's give it a week and to get an ultrasound next Monday (today) to check in."
To cope, I've allowed myself to "mourn" my babies. Although still inside me, I know things look very very dark. I believe in a God of miracles but I also believe in a God that does His plans over mine.
I have always thought it was "weird" to name babies before they are born, but I've done it.
I have always thought it was "weird" to want to have a funeral or memorial service for early miscarriage. I've planned one.
I have always thought it "strange" how some people can be so deeply saddened by the loss of babies that didn't even have a heartbeat yet. I've sobbed, I pleaded in prayer, I have felt like I've tasted death.
Infertility redefines us at the core.
Today I went to Kaiser (my insurance doesn't cover IVF stuff) to get the ultrasound. It was just a lab tech. I got my blood work done at Kaiser as well. I was in the waiting room forever. Then waiting in the ultrasound room forever also. I thought "the waiting room" would be the perfect name for an IF blog.
They put my OBGYN on the phone. She actually seemed hopeful. She said my numbers are not great but she has seen them develop into normal pregnancies. The lab tech couldn't detect much but they THOUGHT they MIGHT have seen something in the uterus but too early to detect.
It's been a week but my levels went up to 891. They are increasing. She said this is good although still a "little low." The RE called and said I'm in the grey area, they are not sure what to make. They don't think it's chemical because that usually dies off fast...
So many people have recommended Te book "A Jesus Calling" to me and I finally got it. Here is the first one I read a few days ago when I was at a low point:
I was sure today would be the day I could let go, mourn, cry, sob, and then try to move on. But the only answer I got was repeat blood test Wednesday. God could be doing a miracle. Or He could be putting me through trials to refine me...but for now, I'm stuck in the "waiting room."
Thank you so much for the continued prayers. Lord, hear us knock, do a miracle, and save the lives of my babies.
Mirages, Miscarriages, and My Moms
November 19, 2012
(Disclaimer, I was 100% I was going to get the pull the plug 'aka progesterone in oil shot" and let it go call that I told everyone at work that knew that i was miscarrying and wrote this post. However, the roller coaster continues. They called me and said it only went from 104 to 134 in 3 days. Still a horrible sign but she said there is aSMALL super tiny chance of hope. I have to wait an entire week for 1 more blood test and an ultrasound to rule out ectopic. I'm trying to stay positive: more time to pray and ask for a miracle, 1 more week I get to spend with my little sweethearts. This post was written before I got the "wait" news. I want closure and to move on either way. Please hope with us)
I wasn't prepared for the emotions that come with IVF. I knew positive pregnancy would be crazy joy, and I knew negative pregnancy would be deep sadness, but I wasn't prepared for a "congrats" and "I'm so sorry" within 48 hours. That one is throwing me bad.
In order of my title, I looked up reasons why I would get a positive HPT and blood test all to have it turn into an early miscarriage. When I was searching I came across this title:
"Chemical Pregnancy, a Cruel Mirage"
"A chemical pregnancy occurs when an embryo does not implant properly. The embryo produces enough HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin, the molecule which is unique to pregnancy) so that it can be detected on the beta HCG blood test and the sensitive uterine pregnancy home tests (hence its name, because it can be detected using chemical tests) , but because it does not develop normally, the HCG levels decline. "
The article goes on to say:
The most difficult aspect of a chemical pregnancy is the false hope that it creates - you get excited that you are finally pregnant - and then you have to deal with the crushing disappointment of having to cope with a miscarriage. For many couples, this can be the last straw which breaks the camel's back. They often find it easier to deal with a negative HCG result ; rather than a result which starts of offering hope by being positive, and then declines.
I couldn't agree more. Cruel. Crushing Disappointment JUST because I heard congratulations. I let out a sigh of tension that has been building for years.
Not to mention the crush of future dreams. The minute the "ring is on your finger" or you "hold the positive test" you almost hear your baby say "mommy." It's natural to instantly go to these dreams.
My mom and mother in law were amazing. My mom instantly prayed for a miracle and told me she already loved her little grandchildren so much. My mother in law also went to prayer and then reminded me of the positives (hard to see in the moment, but stuff like "knowing an embryo can stick" and that miscarriages are usually the sign of an unhealthy baby on the way).
A wonderful fellow blogger sent me a little stitched heart with 2 hearts stitched inside representing the embryos (before I knew I was going to miscarry) and I can't let go of it. All weekend, it's been in my pocket, in my shirt, on my chest.
(Disclaimer, I was 100% I was going to get the pull the plug 'aka progesterone in oil shot" and let it go call that I told everyone at work that knew that i was miscarrying and wrote this post. However, the roller coaster continues. They called me and said it only went from 104 to 134 in 3 days. Still a horrible sign but she said there is a
I wasn't prepared for the emotions that come with IVF. I knew positive pregnancy would be crazy joy, and I knew negative pregnancy would be deep sadness, but I wasn't prepared for a "congrats" and "I'm so sorry" within 48 hours. That one is throwing me bad.
In order of my title, I looked up reasons why I would get a positive HPT and blood test all to have it turn into an early miscarriage. When I was searching I came across this title:
"Chemical Pregnancy, a Cruel Mirage"
"A chemical pregnancy occurs when an embryo does not implant properly. The embryo produces enough HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin, the molecule which is unique to pregnancy) so that it can be detected on the beta HCG blood test and the sensitive uterine pregnancy home tests (hence its name, because it can be detected using chemical tests) , but because it does not develop normally, the HCG levels decline. "
The article goes on to say:
The most difficult aspect of a chemical pregnancy is the false hope that it creates - you get excited that you are finally pregnant - and then you have to deal with the crushing disappointment of having to cope with a miscarriage. For many couples, this can be the last straw which breaks the camel's back. They often find it easier to deal with a negative HCG result ; rather than a result which starts of offering hope by being positive, and then declines.
I couldn't agree more. Cruel. Crushing Disappointment JUST because I heard congratulations. I let out a sigh of tension that has been building for years.
Not to mention the crush of future dreams. The minute the "ring is on your finger" or you "hold the positive test" you almost hear your baby say "mommy." It's natural to instantly go to these dreams.
My mom and mother in law were amazing. My mom instantly prayed for a miracle and told me she already loved her little grandchildren so much. My mother in law also went to prayer and then reminded me of the positives (hard to see in the moment, but stuff like "knowing an embryo can stick" and that miscarriages are usually the sign of an unhealthy baby on the way).
A wonderful fellow blogger sent me a little stitched heart with 2 hearts stitched inside representing the embryos (before I knew I was going to miscarry) and I can't let go of it. All weekend, it's been in my pocket, in my shirt, on my chest.
Bad, Bad News
November 16, 2012
I know that it is "idiotic" to celebrate a pregnancy early. I felt I could announce it on my blog since my followers are almost all strangers that deserve to know the honest truth of the journey.
My Beta didn't double.
It went from 100, to 104.
The nurse wasn't optimistic but said they are not pulling the plug yet and i have to continue with the huge shot till Monday for 1 more bloodtest.
I'm pretty speechless. My husband felt like it was time to press in and pray for a miracle.
That we will do, but I need EVERYONE to pray. Just like in the Old Testament, Moses was at a point where he couldn't hold the rod up anymore because his arms were tired.
My arms are tired.
We are breaking the news to our families tonight to get them on the prayer wagon. Not how I dreamed of telling them, but I don't care. There is a glimmer of hope and I'm chasing it.
In the meantime, I'm preparing for next steps.
A trillion cuss words to you, infertility.
I know that it is "idiotic" to celebrate a pregnancy early. I felt I could announce it on my blog since my followers are almost all strangers that deserve to know the honest truth of the journey.
My Beta didn't double.
It went from 100, to 104.
The nurse wasn't optimistic but said they are not pulling the plug yet and i have to continue with the huge shot till Monday for 1 more bloodtest.
I'm pretty speechless. My husband felt like it was time to press in and pray for a miracle.
That we will do, but I need EVERYONE to pray. Just like in the Old Testament, Moses was at a point where he couldn't hold the rod up anymore because his arms were tired.
My arms are tired.
We are breaking the news to our families tonight to get them on the prayer wagon. Not how I dreamed of telling them, but I don't care. There is a glimmer of hope and I'm chasing it.
In the meantime, I'm preparing for next steps.
A trillion cuss words to you, infertility.
I'm Engaged!
November 15, 2012
Okay, I've been married for 3 years. BUT, my mind is BLOWN with how similar a "positive pregnancy test" is to a wedding ring. My sister and I were just having this conversation.
When Darren gave me the wedding ring, I knew the plan was to get married in 6 months. I had six months to prepare, to plan, to dream. BUT, many many many engagements end for whatever reason: doubt, fear, timing, insecurity, infidelity, realization, etc. It's not a guaranteed deal till it's official and I hear those sweet words "I know pronounce you man and wife." I had an amazing engagement and am blessed with an awesome marriage. But it would be a lie if I didn't have that little fear creep in that the dream could end, that a date was "set" but not fully 100% going to happen.
Many people warned me that pregnancy is the same. I think, at least in the beginning, people pursuing ART have it worse. I mean, when all my friends and sister got the positive hpt, that was it. They celebrated among close friends and family, rejoiced, and of course looked forward to (and some still nervous) the 9 week ultrasound.
But with me, it almost feels as if someone told me Darren will propose tomorrow. Tomorrow is when I go in for the 2nd BETA to make sure it doubles. If it doesn't double, that's bad. Most women don't go through this, although they can miscarry, they accept that they are pregnant and move on. But IVFers and IUIers have lots of mini steps.
I cried when I saw the positive pregnancy test. I have been fearing for over 11 years I would never experience that moment.
BUT, when the nurse called to tell me congrats, she was calm. She said I need to come in tomorrow for the second blood test. When I got off the phone with here, there wasn't the relief I was expecting. There was my automatic "what if." I have got to completely let go and trust God and know that at this point, I'm on cruise control, but it's bittersweet. I want to celebrate but I'm in dread of tomorrow. I am so used to NEGATIVE tests (I mean come on EIGHT failed IUIs).
Even when I called to tell my close friends the update it wasn't a celebration. It was a cautious one step at a time congrats. Which is healthy and safe...but kind of sad.
Infertility impacts women on both sides of the coin. PLEASE understand I'm not complaining, I'm just not celebrating, at least not yet. Tomorrow when I get the BETA, if it's good, I'm going to let go of my held breath.
I follow some awesome blogs. I'm really inspired by a fellow blogger named Jen (http://theinconceivablehousewife.blogspot.com/). She pondered keeping her pregnancy a secret till the official 12 week mark but realized, in this moment she is pregnant and she is going to embrace and celebrate each day God gives her with the baby.
After tomorrow, that will be my new goal. One day at a time, enjoying the pregnancy and not fearing it. I think we will tell our families after all. I want mom and dad and the in laws to get to experience the joy too, come what may.
The funny thing is, another fellow blogger (http://ababyinthemakingihope.blogspot.com/) pointed out, the worrying over our children will never stop. It starts with did the embryos stick, to is there a heartbeat to is everything okay with the baby, to them being born. When they are actually walking around, I've heard its like "your heart outside your body." I guess the other part better get used to worrying for them and training my mind to turn that to prayer.
Until tomorrow, I feel like I just found out Darren bought the ring. If the numbers are good, let the 9 month engagement begin.
Okay, I've been married for 3 years. BUT, my mind is BLOWN with how similar a "positive pregnancy test" is to a wedding ring. My sister and I were just having this conversation.
When Darren gave me the wedding ring, I knew the plan was to get married in 6 months. I had six months to prepare, to plan, to dream. BUT, many many many engagements end for whatever reason: doubt, fear, timing, insecurity, infidelity, realization, etc. It's not a guaranteed deal till it's official and I hear those sweet words "I know pronounce you man and wife." I had an amazing engagement and am blessed with an awesome marriage. But it would be a lie if I didn't have that little fear creep in that the dream could end, that a date was "set" but not fully 100% going to happen.
Many people warned me that pregnancy is the same. I think, at least in the beginning, people pursuing ART have it worse. I mean, when all my friends and sister got the positive hpt, that was it. They celebrated among close friends and family, rejoiced, and of course looked forward to (and some still nervous) the 9 week ultrasound.
But with me, it almost feels as if someone told me Darren will propose tomorrow. Tomorrow is when I go in for the 2nd BETA to make sure it doubles. If it doesn't double, that's bad. Most women don't go through this, although they can miscarry, they accept that they are pregnant and move on. But IVFers and IUIers have lots of mini steps.
I cried when I saw the positive pregnancy test. I have been fearing for over 11 years I would never experience that moment.
BUT, when the nurse called to tell me congrats, she was calm. She said I need to come in tomorrow for the second blood test. When I got off the phone with here, there wasn't the relief I was expecting. There was my automatic "what if." I have got to completely let go and trust God and know that at this point, I'm on cruise control, but it's bittersweet. I want to celebrate but I'm in dread of tomorrow. I am so used to NEGATIVE tests (I mean come on EIGHT failed IUIs).
Even when I called to tell my close friends the update it wasn't a celebration. It was a cautious one step at a time congrats. Which is healthy and safe...but kind of sad.
Infertility impacts women on both sides of the coin. PLEASE understand I'm not complaining, I'm just not celebrating, at least not yet. Tomorrow when I get the BETA, if it's good, I'm going to let go of my held breath.
I follow some awesome blogs. I'm really inspired by a fellow blogger named Jen (http://theinconceivablehousewife.blogspot.com/). She pondered keeping her pregnancy a secret till the official 12 week mark but realized, in this moment she is pregnant and she is going to embrace and celebrate each day God gives her with the baby.
After tomorrow, that will be my new goal. One day at a time, enjoying the pregnancy and not fearing it. I think we will tell our families after all. I want mom and dad and the in laws to get to experience the joy too, come what may.
The funny thing is, another fellow blogger (http://ababyinthemakingihope.blogspot.com/) pointed out, the worrying over our children will never stop. It starts with did the embryos stick, to is there a heartbeat to is everything okay with the baby, to them being born. When they are actually walking around, I've heard its like "your heart outside your body." I guess the other part better get used to worrying for them and training my mind to turn that to prayer.
Until tomorrow, I feel like I just found out Darren bought the ring. If the numbers are good, let the 9 month engagement begin.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
My Bucket List:
